Borderline Verbal Abuse?

I've had many a-shitty boyfriends in my life. All I have stayed with because I always have the "it will get better" attitude. I guess I'm 24 years old and I still don't know how to value myself. I may have lost 77 pounds, but I'm still 300 pound Cindy. Its a fucking tragedy that what I thought would give me lots of confidence...just hasn't. On to the story...

I have a boyfriend, almost 2 months in. He's sweet and kind, and he takes care of me. He makes me laugh and I feel strongly for him. But he has another side to him...one that makes me cry. One that tears me so far apart that it smashes my face on the pavement.

Sometimes I feel like he's playing some sick game with my emotions to see how far I am able to go. How long I am able to last. Throws around the comment, "If you can't deal with me then you don't have to be with me" How the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel, special? Like I'm fucking priceless? More like I'm fucking stupid replaceable bitch who just happens to be there.

And then even if he's wrong he just wants to wash his hands of it. Points the finger toward me...makes me out as the bad guy EVERY TIME. I'm a very resiliant person, I think. I may cry, and may pout, but at the end of the day I'm still standing. I feel like he's taking a bat to my legs every time he hurts me with his words.

Then I just start thinking, "Would Juan ever do this to me?"And then I feel even more terrible because I know that he wouldn't. Four fucking years and I still miss him. I wish I wish I found somebody that loved me the way he did, unconditionally, and completely devoted to me because he loved me, truly loved me.

I fucked him over so bad that karma is just fucking me 69 times.

He's somebody else, I am somebody else

As you all know I suck at life, and everything along with it. At this moment I am fighting sleep because I just feel like torturing myself, when my body is telling me to go to sleep. I spoke to Michelle about the subject further. She advised that I should get over it...again and again. I was convinced. Truly convinced. And I was serious about it. Putting Juan in the back of my mind is the best thing. You know it, she knows it, and I know it, hell the old lady down the street probably knows it too.

Right now, I feel like I can't. I want to call that person and ask about Juan. I want to call Juan to see if his number works. I want to just STOP. Its hard. I don't know how. I want to be free of this. I've been "loving" him too long. bur I don't want to love somebody else. I'm stubborn and I hate it. I hate myself for being this way because I cant stop myself. I cant imagine somebody else living up to my expectations and I cant imagine loving somebody else the way I loved him. I want to put these feelings in a lock box, forget the combination and throw it in a bottomless pit. I want it to stop haunting me, him, the mistakes, the lies, the heart ache. I want to forget that it even happened. Now, my pain meds have worn off and I want to cry some more. great.

I know that I'm not the same person I was nearly 4 years ago. I'm not the same. He's also not the same person. Things along the way have probably changed us...I don't know. I'm not what he wants...a liar, a deceitful liar. I wish he would have just gotten to now the "real" me from the beginning, and not something fabricated from my mind.

If I could go back in time, I don't know what route I would have taken.
A. Shown the real me
B. Never have gotten so close to him
C. Ended it differently

it all doesn't matter...why obsess? why think about it? why waste time? why not move on? why not love somebody else? I guess what upsets me more is that I'm NEVER going to see him, I'm never going to hug him, I'm never going to kiss him, I'm never going to hear sweet things from him ever...NEVER, EVER.

I'm broken. I'm defective. I'm no good. I'm a failure. I'm so depressed. I am somebody else, a very sad version of myself.

Different perspective

I told my friend Michelle about my crazed feelings last night, and this is what she wrote to me:

Oy, i think it is really hard when you love someone that much and things end in a weird way. i dont think its crazy. My major ex of 8 years, we broke up 1.5 years ago, and haven't talked since january, and honestly i still think of him often..... the thing is this. its done and over with and think about how different you are from 4 years ago - he is also a different man now. you are becoming an even different version of yourself, and when you are ready you are going to meet someone completely wonderful and amazing, that deserves you. i think i know how you feel. even writting this now, i am thinking about joel, and if it would work if we got back together..... but i guess at the end of the day things end for one reason or another and its over. we are both making such huge changes in our lives and we have to move forward. its a weird thing being in love. there is a book i really love and he sums it up perfectly.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

it is right isn't it ?
we both need to let go of those people and love them for who they were, but move along.

xo

More thoughts on this later

Just cry it out

Wow, another depressing blog, Cindy? Yeah pretty much. I should rename the blog Cinders' depressing blogs about obesity, and some guy named Juan.

All of the sudden, I just felt like crying...and crying, and crying some more. I feel like I've built up my life to revolve around those months with Juan, and its driving me insane. I can't do it anymore. Can I put it in a box, lock it up, and put it away? no. I'm not capable of closing that chapter in my life.

Esteban asked me, "Do you know if he has a girlfriend now?" Hell no. Would I want to know? No. I could only imagine how devastated I would be. I know that its normal for people to move on, and have their lives, but I don't want him to...or I want to pretend like he hasn't.

And again I went on a google rampage... Jan 9, 2010 in Houston selling parts through a guy named Bryan's houston-import board thing. Same number. I hyperventilated. Why? I don't know. Maybe I thought that he actually still lived here. Now, I feel very dizzy, and nauseous.