Anxiety

I'm feeling more and more out of control of my emotions. I don't like it very much. I feel so out of whack, so not myself. Or maybe being upset is how I am. I don't know anymore. I just breathe. What else is there to do in life? Well what else is there to do in my life?

I'm not sleeping very well. Actually I'm not sleeping at all.

Not driving is depressing me as well. I get really bad anxiety when somebody else is driving my car like my heart is beating ot of my chest. I'm just quite a mess right now.

Another one of those days

That I feel like I should have somebody, but I don't. I don't have anybody. If I go to the hospital today, I won't have a boyfriend come to my aid. I've been single for such a long time that I don't know what its like anymore.

Last night, Esteban told me he likes me...which should make me happy but it doesn't. Sure, it boosts my self esteem, but I can't do much with that info. Jonathan keeps trying to be my boyfriend, but I don't care about him. I dangle him around just because I can. I'm a bitch and I know this. Maybe that's why I'm alone. Karma is getting me.

With all this tak about abortion...and how drastically I have changed my views on it...its got me thinking.
That one I don't want a child but that two I want a significant other. I'm 24 going on 25. My best friend is married and I'm not. There are so many people on my FB that have changed their last name just this year its crazy.

I want to experience life with somebody else. It just makes me miss Juan more. We were just talking about the perfect relationship...ugh. I'm a broken record I know.

I'm doing the same thing I did with Esteban...obsess. Not healthy. I have nothing going for me so what else can I do?

Ugh...the day I feel like crying Monica came to sleep on my bed...

Up and DOWN...

Wedding

Shani got married this weekend. I had fun...it was cool, but there were a couple of things that I was not ok with.

1. Maid of Honor - I had the feeling in the back of my mind, and it was pressing me more and more as the date got closer. While we were in SA Shani kind of lost disconnect with her other friend, and well we remained the same. So, I guess since we lived far away this year, we disconnected. So, Friday during the rehearsal, it was made CLEAR that I was just bridesmaid number two and not "maid of honor," and I'm going to be honest it hurt my feelings. I mean, my friends can all have other friends. Of course life doesn't revolve around me, but for you supposed best friend to have another best friend thats more important than you is not cool. IDK it feels weird to be second place while you hold that person first. I was guessing SHE would me MY maid of honor, but I don't know if that is the case now. I know its petty, but...but I have no excuse for my way of thinking at this moment. I felt embarrassed, and I hated that everybody kept asking me, "Oh I thought YOU were going to give a speech" when I wasn't even given the opportunity to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

2. Tennessee - I was anxious to meet the guys from Tenn. but I also knew they were WHITE. I have my white friends that I love. I think I've had more white friends now than I've ever had, but "new" white people can always pose a problem, and all minorities are aware of this. The hot guy's girlfriend seemed disgusted by the fact that we were "Mexican" which I am NOT. Its funny how I am so offended by being called Mexican, but not offended when people think I am Euro or Asian. haha its funny how people perceive me to be different race/ethnicity except my own. Anyway, the guys also didn't introduce themselves accordingly. Weren't they supposed to be southern gentlemen? So, it started off wrong. I was sure that I was gonna beat somebody down. It was just awkward. We gave them all horrible nicknames like boobies, and ball sack. In the end I only like two of em, and I still crushed on the cute guy along with the rest of the wedding party.

3. it was hot

4. Too many Amens - All of us could not feel our feet for the rest of the night, and I even switched to sandals.

5. That hoe bag didn't want to give me more vodka...what I bitch. I was like, "THIS BITCH MUST NOT KNOW ME!" lmao.

on the other hand
On the POSITIVE note

1. Pudding shots that we made were fucking delicious...omg!

2. I looked good in my dress, AND it didn't fit anymore - too big. 30 lb makes a big difference.

3. My makeup was ON point

4. Mayra and Allyson's makeup was on point because of me, and everybody noticed.

5. Shani was on point because of the dress I pulled...it def looked good.

6. The food was good, both appetizers and entree. I didn't have a cupcake cause I won't have bread...or I shouldn't but the bro said it was delicious.

7. Free booze. enough said.

8. nice scenery for candid and posed photos (was at marina/dock area)