I was talking to Ana about what had happened with Aaron today. And She said, get over it. I know in my heart of hearts that i SHOULD just make and ugly face and move along (haha inside joke). Its hard...I can't really do this on my own. Gosh, i dont KNOW who can really help me through this. It is completly awful to keep on living the way I am. I need to allow myself to find some type of way to look past it all.
Like today...today was an awesome day. Shani and I went shopping at San Marcos and then went to Olive Garden. It was a really good day! Seriously! But when I come back to my room, when I am alone here at nights, Aaron is ALL I think about. This ISNT good, and I know it. I KNOW that I am doing so much damage to myself, to my soul.
Love is gay...how could I still be? I should be like, NO! You DONT WIN! YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! I REFUSE! But I'm tied down...I can't lift myself up. I wish I could control it all, my feelings, my judgements, my perception of what was and what isn't. I need it to be put in big bold black letters, to be put on billboard, highlighted, displayed with lights, SOMETHING HUGE so that i can snap into fucking...realizing shit that I should ALREADY FUCKING KNOW!
Then i can say, Fuck You Aaron! You stopped loving me after...April of this year, SO CAN I!
Fuck You, Esteban! Will You ever fuckin realize how great a girl I am, and stop dating cheating losers!
Fuck You, German! You're not even half the man you think you are! Grow up!
Fuck You, Taure! How dare you forget about the good times?! How dare you forget that we were friends?!?
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