Tick tock

Im only 23, but already i feel old. As if i were a ticking time bomb. Its probably become today i came to a realization that in two months i will have been single for a whole year. That hasnt happened to me since i cant...since never. It honestly feels horrible [today].

My plan, my life plan isnt going the way i thought it was, and it sucks. Nothing is going on schedule. What sucks more about it is that im freaking out over nothing. I have no money to be married. Im not psychologically ready for it either, but because everybody else is doing it, i feel so left out.

I know a lot of people in my same boat though...why am i freaking out so much? Why am i feeling so insecure at the moment?

The mistakes of my past eat away at me, i guess. I feel like if i wouldnt have done this, or that maybe i would be with Juan right now. And thats absolute crazy talk. Why? Because a guy like Juan was never supposed to be with a girl like me.

Its absolutely ridiculous to even BELIEVE that he was ACTUALLY in love with me through the duration of our relationship. Im an idiot when it comes to love. I fall for it. I hang on every word. I cherish every...everything. I cant help myself.

But now im an insane psychopath with no hope. I dont even remember what love feels like. I just know that i miss the feeling. And i desperately crave it.

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