Normal

I have lost 30 pounds, and I'm not happy. I know that I should be because it's a big deal. For some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be happy. If I said I lost 100 pounds I still wouldn't be completely happy. You know why? Because I will still be fat. FAT FAT FAT. I still won't be a normal person in society...I will still be fat.

I don't know what to think...and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because I just can't. It's hard to lose weight. There is so much sacrifice involved in it, and it's just rocky.

Idk...I missed out on so many things by being fat. I am upset because I can't have those opportunities ever again. They're gone! I'm just out there floating around...with no clear direction and no plan. I always have a fucking plan. I am lost. I am at a stand still.

I only blog when I am upset...I realize this haha. I do have good times...lol.

But back to the depressing stuff.

Maybe another aspect of not being happy with my weight loss is that I feel like I look the same. I don't think I look any thinner, or slimmer or anything. I look the same. I am not happy with making the sacrifices that I am making just so that the scale can tell me that I have lost weight but for my closet to tell me I am the same. It's just not right. Nobody has noticed...nobody has said anything. Well, except for Rebecca cause she WOULD tell me something lol she's just nice like that.

Ok my head hurts from crying and my eyes feel super dry...off to sleep I go.