Normal

I have lost 30 pounds, and I'm not happy. I know that I should be because it's a big deal. For some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be happy. If I said I lost 100 pounds I still wouldn't be completely happy. You know why? Because I will still be fat. FAT FAT FAT. I still won't be a normal person in society...I will still be fat.

I don't know what to think...and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because I just can't. It's hard to lose weight. There is so much sacrifice involved in it, and it's just rocky.

Idk...I missed out on so many things by being fat. I am upset because I can't have those opportunities ever again. They're gone! I'm just out there floating around...with no clear direction and no plan. I always have a fucking plan. I am lost. I am at a stand still.

I only blog when I am upset...I realize this haha. I do have good times...lol.

But back to the depressing stuff.

Maybe another aspect of not being happy with my weight loss is that I feel like I look the same. I don't think I look any thinner, or slimmer or anything. I look the same. I am not happy with making the sacrifices that I am making just so that the scale can tell me that I have lost weight but for my closet to tell me I am the same. It's just not right. Nobody has noticed...nobody has said anything. Well, except for Rebecca cause she WOULD tell me something lol she's just nice like that.

Ok my head hurts from crying and my eyes feel super dry...off to sleep I go.

All over the place

Look at it for Hours

I don't really open my iPhoto program unless I am uploading photos, or it automatically does it when I sync my iPad. Today, I was going to click on my iMovie, but instead I accidentally clicked on iPhoto, and I just left it open. When I filmed a fail blog (the sound of the my fan and the computer fan made it sound like poison for the ears, and I am half deaf), I deleted it and started painting my nails. Then, I was closing windows cause I'm OCD about too many windows, and up came iPhoto. The only photos I have of Juan are in the second album because they are earlier pictures.

I always examine this specific picture. I could look at it for hours. I guess I want to hold on. No, I DO want to hold on. I have fantastic, amazing, fabulous, lovely memories with him, and this is NORMAL...right? I don't now what is normal and not normal.

I've had a busy month. I've had so many other things on my mind that have taken any over mental thought space that I can have. I can't say that I miss him with the intensity that I usually miss him, but I do. I've simply just had other things that were more pressing to think about.

I can't make much of it. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that I do not think of him with longing, and sadness and everything else thats wrapped up in the act of fuckery that I placed myself in nearly 4 years ago. OMG four years, and I'm still not fully over it. When I attach years to it like that I feel so dumb. I know that sometimes people live decades upon decades loving somebody they cannot have, but Its dumb to me. Its unacceptable.

I feel like I have my arms stretched out with my heart in my hands offering it over to him, but he won't take it. He doesn't want it. He doesn't even see it.

Esteban says that I need to stop blaming myself for everything wrong that happened after the breakup. I simply don't see it that way. It was my fault we broke up. It is my fault that he doesn't speak to me now. I fucked up. I did. Not him.

Fucking fantastic.

I just said that I wasn't thinking about it, about him, but now I am. I have tortured myself yet again. I allow myself to cry from time to time, but NEVER will I allow it to tear me down completely like it has in the past.

____________________________________

5 minutes later...
Thank you Cindy of October 2010 for posting a video to put things back into perspective.

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