Ever since Juan deleted his myspace I had been on the hunt for his new one, or his facebook. I would always randomly look for it...then i'd forget a month would pass and I would remember again.
Just now I signed into myspace after like ages...and I thought of finding Juan. Myspace had no luck. I decided to try FB just for the hell of it.
Juan in houston? No Juan in San Antonio? No Juan in LA? Nah just a cool photographer
Just Juan with no loc Page one? No Page two? Bingo.
Picture of him on a boat from last summer. Why do I remember that? Goodness...
Clicked on it...most private profile evar. Just picture and sex. No location...no nothing!
Ugh this is ridiculous. I keep on hoping that I get over this but I don't. Its stupid, and even more stupid. He's not a part of my life. He's not here. He's not going to be ever again. Where are my obnoxiously large pair of scissors to cut loose my emotional ties to this individual that more than likely forgot that I ever existed.
Today really sucked. I've been trying really hard to keep a positive outlook, but today just sucked. And maybe because I've been trying so hard to keep a positive outlook is why everything just seemed to blow up.
Work was really stressful and frustrating. The one kid that is about to burn me out really REALLY just didn't please me today. For a total of 3 grand hours. Makes me just wanna quit sometimes.
I went to school today to talk to a damn advisor. The nice old lady let me know that they don't let people walk in the spring even if they have 6 hrs left for summer. She also told me that I had to walk in December. Why the fuck would I want to wait 6 months? I know that I hate graduations, but its tradition. And I got really teary when she told me that. I'm gonna leave college without a celebration, you know? Nobody is gonna care 6 months after. Its not gonna fucking matter.
I fixed the truck, and bought a replacement tire. That's what I was supposed to do right? Well according to my dad everything I do is wrong. It doesn't matter if I fixed it because I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I can't stand his ugly looks and his stupid silent treatment. Its like I'm living with a child. Its so frustrating!
I dropped my check at the place where karen practices her dance. The dude said he found it but when my mom went to pick it up he "didn't" have it. Now I will most likely have an overdraft fee in the morning great!
The most frustrating part of it all is that I'm lonely. I have nobody to talk to about anything.
I was texting my friend just now. He just recently broke up with his bf. The story goes like this:
Guy gets with guy They move in together They live happily Everyone thinks they're gonna last forever Everything is cool All of the sudden guy says, "this isn't working out" Guy moves out Guy starts dating other guy within a week
So, I'm here thinking that shit happened to me with steven just more fast paced. And I get everything he's telling me, "I loathe him for what he did, but I want him here with me. I miss him." That's exactly how I felt. I hated him I wanted him dead but I wanted him to come back to me.
I was crazy. Shit wasn't going to work out. He sucked, and I was crazy. So no...never.
I'm not going to think about him I'm not going to think about him I'm not going to think about him anymore I'm not going to think about the way he looked I'm not going to think about how I've almost forgotten the sound of his voice I'm not going to think about how he used to cut his own hair in the bathroom I'm not going to think about how he wanted an English Bulldog I'm not going to think about how he was in love with his car I'm not going to think about how I "shared" him with his "boyfriend" John I'm not going to think about when he included the word "faggetry" into his everyday terminology I'm not going to think about how most of his clothes were from Vans or skater stores I had never even heard about I'm not going to think about how he got drunk and told me about 2 girls 1 cup and how I was then scarred for life I'm not going to think about how he tried to make me jealous with random sonic car hops I'm not going to think about when he wanted to buy these red rims from a 350z I'm not going to think about how his mom used to cook him burritos and he burned himself because it was too hot I'm not going to think about how "Reppin' my Block" came on when his alarm went off I'm not going to think about how much I obsessed over his perfectly crafted cupids bow I'm not going to think about how he made fun of me for laughing with my mouth closed I'm not going to think about how I thought he was the strongest person on earth I'm not going to think about how he would always call me at 9 pm I'm not going to think about the size of his nipples lol I'm not going to think about his obsession with sharing a snowcone I'm not going to think about our plans for December 07 I'm not going to think about how he nervously laughed when he too said, "I love you" I'm not going to think about how we said we were going to watch Beowulf, but we never got around to it I'm not going to think about how I always thought we were the only two people on earth I'm not going to think about how we had talked about the price range for engagement rings I'm not going to think about how he went to Miami instead of Houston for my birthday I'm not going to think about how hes doing now I'm not going to think about how he used to respond to every text/call I ever gave him but now he doesnt anymore so he must have gotten sick of me.
