In a weekend my whole life goes to shit...I'm jobless and stuck in houston for the summer. Juan left. That motherfucker left texas already. I wanna scream in fucking agony! My heart has been broken into a million fucking pieces and I can't do anything...
I wanna just fill the tub up with water and sink in...hold my breath and close my eyes...and maybe even drown for a minute...
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do without him? Without him here, close to me? I can't feel anything for anybody else! I can't! Its like I've been cursed. I've tried sooo hard to feel something for somebody else, and it doesn't happen.
Getting over him has been long overdue; it just doesn't happen. Everybody else...I don't even remember...the other day I couldn't remember fucking Oscars name. Wait...I don't remember the name of the guy I dated before Juan. Carlos? Idk. I remember his face.
I wanna be a zombie again...lifeless and depressed. I don't want anybody else to enter my life. Nobody can take his place in my heart...I refuse to settle again. I won't do that. That's why I stopped trying to feel anything for anyone else. I can't do it.
I keep comparing. Not one single person is like him. I could have always found a macho mexican to replace aaron, or a needy minute man for steven or an indecisive person like Esteban. Juan is a different story. He lit up my motherfucking life. He had this way...of his. I wish I could explain it, but no fantastical words could properly describe his awesomeness.
I have 5 dollars to my name...my next paycheck goes to bills. I'm officially poor.
Fml
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