short end of the stick

So, this week I have been in Virginia. I would have never imagined that a week away from Texas would make a difference in how me and Matthew are. I know that I rather hear the truth than not...I do not like to be in the dark about certain matters. The time one invests in a relationship is time that one cannot get back. He was out basically everyday this week...which kinda sucked. Just because I am not in Texas...doesnt mean I don't exist, you know?

And I noticed that when I text him he doesnt really text back in a timely manner, like he used to...if he even does. I've called him and he doesn't answer. and he didn't call me two days in a row.

Why lie? It felt awful. So, today I texted him :

Ugh you're too busy for me now-a-days

That's what happens when you have a job and a life ;p

oh...

:D

Since I'm rarely part of your life, I get the short end of the stick...ha

lol Well you are pretty far.

Let me know what I need to start backing away

Lol you don't have to. Just letting you know why I can't be there 24/7

Did he think the "lol"s or the stupid happy faces were going to damper the situation? Not really. Am I some random person to him that really doesn't matter? I wish I knew exactly what he thinks of me...and on a scale from 1-10 how important I am. I know that I have invested a LOT of my emotions into this "thing" that we have. I don't want it to be a complete waste. It sucks to feel like you like somebody more than they like you.

This relationship has probably been the most honest relationship that I've had in my life. I'm proud of it. I haven't bullshitted or said something that wasn't true. I didnt lie to him about how I felt like how I did with Steven. Ha. but then again Steven felt wayyyy stronger than Matthew ever will. It also sucks that Matthew really isn't touchy-feely. Of course, I do not want a guy that is ALWAYS sharing his emotions, but I do want some kind. And there are days where I feel like he reaaaallllyyyy likes me, but there are days where he just seems indifferent about me.

I was telling Jon about it today, and he kept saying, "You're a great girl and you are probably a great GF. You should be with somebody that appreciates you." I know he was saying it because he still likes me, but I started to think...that maybe he is right. I'm not saying that Matthew is a horrible "non-bf" but I like to feel...LIKED or feel important at least.

On another note...a month ago...I went to Juan's profile and clicked the send message link. It took me to the compose page, and I stared at it for a while. I wanted to write something, but didn't. I just clicked the "save as draft" link and decided that i will eventually get to it. or should I say - grow some balls to send it. lol...well I opened it yesterday and actually wrote a message, but AGAIN I saved it as a draft.

I know I KNOW! I'm so lame. I don't seem to muster up the courage to click send.

Anyway...tomorrow I go back to Texas, and I don't know if I will spend Wednesday and Thursday with Matthew like I had planned to.