100 for 62

I've been slacking on the Saturday and Sunday Vids
theyre SOOO long and I had nearly finished Saturdays and the file was effin lost
what a bummer
I'll finish and load those on Sunday after I see Ryan

Nobody Cares

hahah so...I added the subtitles before I added the beginning so thats why its like 2 seconds early hahaha
what-ev

See you in my nightmares

Demons don't exist

From you to Me

Oooops
the 27th
well...it was the same "day" since I hadn't fallen asleep yet haha

Turkey Leg Fail

Friday, April 24

I really didn't like the drag queen show.. we were there for about an hour and 1/2 of that we were just standing around waiting for the drag queens to stop entertaining.

Rape Spot

In the mornings

I've started vlogging...just cause. I wanna remember my actual thoughts an not just words later.

When I'm up to this time I start thinking too much about Juan. Ugh.

I feel sick.

I need to stop forreal. If I were in his league we would be together. We're not and I need to come to terms. How hard can this effin possibly be? Cmon cindy just snap outta this already. Its OVERRR!!!!!

My bed

I just finished 4 chapters of review for my marketing test. I need a 92 in this test and a 92 in the final to get an a for the semester.

I just noticed the springs underneath me on my bed and its like their jabbingg themselves on my ribs. No wonder...meh not worth talking about lol. And shanis mom hates it.

A lot of things reminded me of steven today and it bothered me. Made me sad...ugh fuck remembering good things. I rather stay bitter about the situation. Well, I've gone past the bitter stage to the whatever stage, but today made me take a lot f steps backwards. I guess its cause I didn't greave (sp?). I just went from love and complete devotion to hate in a week...haha. whatever.

I spoke to my twin today. She informed me that the test was negative. Thank the lawd. Lol I was starting to worry.

I'm mad at Jon...just to be mad at somebody. Hahaha. I'm so bad. Idk what he's doing...blah. I don't care either!

Happy earth day!

Volcanic Eruption

Wait how do you spell that?
double R?
Single R?
hahaha

Bitch Face

So I saw two people today that I just did NOT want to see. lol

Shani and I had Pei Wei for dinner, and since we didnt see the point in going home to eat it, we ate there. We sat outside. It wasn't too hot or whatever. We were like prob 5 minutes away from leaving when this girl sits on the table right next to us. I think nothing of it...just stupid little white rich girl, what-ev...Then her friend comes too...lol Turns out her friend was our old Skank of a roommate freshman year. I swear I hadn't seen her in 3 years. I was like OMG is that her? well I text that to Shani and she looks back and she's like yeahh. lol She put on some weight. That was keeping us from recognizing her.

Then I went to Boston's Pub with Pris and as soon as I walked in i saw that stupid chic who was there last time. Ugh just looking at her annoyed me. She's so ugly but always pretends to look so damn hot...anyway, she wasn't the one I was all ugh about, but it turns out that Scott is her boyfriend AND he bartends there. WTF?!? I hate Scott. I hate seeing his face. I hated that he would purposely come over to us and take our empty glasses. Thats not even his job. Pris was like, "He's trying to get noticed" Uhhh yeah! So, I felt uncomfortable. We spoke to Joe, the regional manager of that one and chicago and new york and I forgot what the other one was...He's always so cool. I like him. He makes me laugh when he rants in Spanish (cause of his English accent).

Pris was talking to me about a lot of stuff. I was halfway listening to be honest. I couldnt hear anything, but I didnt want her to repeat it. She was like, "I accidentally got a BF, and everybody's giving me shit because they think its not possible" lol it IS possible. Like...uhhh I don't think so, but then it happens anyway. I can totally relate. lol. They broke up already but still. And then, she told me about this other guy that she went out with for a while. Humm...I haven't been drinking with her in so long that she did literally have 30 million stories to tell me. Anyway, this guy wrote her a letter and in this letter he said that he only dated her because he felt sorry for her...and then just kept on going out with her because of habit...and all these other shitty things. I was like whoa! Guys are douche bags.

You know...I want to blog about Juan everytime I blog because he is on my mind like 24/7. I desperately want to be part of his life...but I can't. Besides, when he moves back to Cali...how important could I possibly be? He'll be around his old friends, old flames, old fuck buddies...whatever. I wont mean anything.

I've been thinking more and more about Mr. Juan...and its affecting me. My sleep is suffering. I have a hard time going to sleep, and once I go to sleep I wake up soooo many times. I hate this stupid shit...like two weeks my sleep is fine the next week my sleep is shitty...I'm ANGRY!!!! I love sleep!

Meh...at least I'm not dreaming up some stupid shit that ends up hurting my feelings.

Invisible man

I just had a tearful conversation with empty space pretending to be juan. I told him exavtly what I would say...

I'm going nuts

I have 2-3 more weeks

Pass - Fail

I made such a huge mistake...I think. haha. I allowed Jon to take the next step...Ugh. It was sooo awkward on my part...egh. I swear I wanted to stop...it seemed absurd. On the flip side, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ugh. I fail. Giving a person false hope is so horrible. I don't even need him as "my dude". I guess I just feel like he needs me. The whole maybe-I'll-like-him-later thing isn't a good route at ALL.

I passed my Stats exam. I swear I LITERALLY cried like twice in one night because I was so upset that I couldn't figure out how to solve some problems. And better yet, I got a B on it. Ohhhhh yeaahhhh! I was scared to see the grade, but I eventually did.

My black parents were here this weekend. We saw State of Play, ate at Red Robbins, went to the mall, and to the RIM to shop. I enjoyed them very much. :)

So, the fiesta plans got jumbled up again...We aren't going to Austin on Friday; we are sticking to San Antonio. Its a good thing because I got a flat on Monday, and I'm not sure if the patched up tire will make it over. And we might save some cash by staying - no hotel, no gas, no outlet, no pluckers :( lol

I'm excited...we are 4 days away, and I am def looking forward to our day off on Friday!!!

Stats is the devil in Mathematical Form

So, last stats test I got a B on. I was hella proud of myself because I understood EVERYTHING! well except for like 3 problems...that I didn't know how to solve to begin with. I seem to always go into lala land when I'm in stats. haha. I guess I has zoned out at the time. 

Ugh...I am taking the 3rd test in like 11 hours. I have not gotten any sleep and I took like 3 hours trying to figure out something really dumb...I felt dumb for not knowing to look at a damn table for the answer. THREE HOURS! Just cause I hadn't flipped over an effin page...

Yes, I felt like an idiot.

lol

I thought prof keating was going to go through some of the problems on review day but he didn't and I was disappointed. Or maybe he and I just wasn't paying attention cause I had no idea about what was going on in the first place. So I've managed to teach myself through 1/2 of the test :) but I have no idea on how to calculate the percentile...how to reach this "b" I would know how to effin solve the problem if only i knew how to solve for b. Its so irritating and I bet its like easy as shit...ugh!!!!!! Anyway, I'm always proud of myself for figuring stuff out on my own...I think I'll stay awake until 10...nap til 130...drink a monster and he on my way to work. I prob wont go to Marketing cause I'll def fall asleep. I can him online anyway.

I think its Prof Keating's monotone voice that makes me go into lala land...or maybe its cause I can NEVER see what he's writing down. I must be blind cause the lesbian chic in front of me can see. 

Now that's stupid

Ugh...so my prediction was correct. I am all emotional...but it wasn't the reason why I would usually be emotional. The whole I'm talking to him but I can't really do much past that kind of thing. This time its worse. I know its really stupid to be crying over this and if it were somebody else I would never give a damn...cause really? Why should I care if somebody doesn't text me back. 

On the other hand, I have Juan here...he ALWAYS gets back to me...NO MATTER WHAT. I texted him this afternoon and he never wrote me back. I didn't have much time to think about it with the whole family shit happening and I would leave my phone around not really paying much attention to it. He hasn't texted me. I would understand if I had made a reference to "Snuggle Bunny" because it was easter and thats what I called him. My eyes are kind of teary right now. I hate it! Its retarded to be feeling this way. I hate that I am in love with him. I do. Its not fair, and now my make up is running, great! Juan Sunday is supposed to be bittersweet not just bitter. I hate that he's so perfect for me. I hate that now I have such a high standard for the next one...obviously not the previous one lol but that was the rebound guy that seemed promising but wasn't. 

I feel pressured by my dad's side of the family to come up with somebody. All of my cousins my age are married...or have live in bfs or have kids...whatever. What am I gonna have? A career? And yeah, I will be proud of that when I get it, but i will be alone. I will have nobody to share the wonderfulness with.

I don't know whats WRONG with me! I don't see any other guy remotely great, interesting or even hot. I don't have the desire to pretend, to search, or to even allow another guy enter my life. I know that I do not want to be alone, but I don't want anyone, except for him. This is so frustrating. I'm angry with my emotions right now! 

I broke his heart, and in turn he unintentionally broke mine. 

...

Ohhhh how would it please me to call him Snuggle Bunny again, to call him babe, to tell him that I love him unconditionally. I want to do something simple like hold his hand, take a walk...talk about effin cars or weinerschnitzel, listen to Reppin' my block...text a gabillion times a day like we used to, laugh about the gayness of our sappy words, snowcones! lol, sweet sweet love, UFC shorts...blah

He's leaving me...

What am I gonna do?

 

Ride the waves

wow, I havent blogged in nearly two weeks.

I've been out of it lately...I haven't been going to class either. Well, I did go to class last week, but the week before that I skipped out. Ugh...It bit me in the ass though. I had an accounting test that I didn't even know was happening. lol I just showed up to economics and as I was walking there I looked at my phone...the screen had gone to my calendar and there it was ACC test. BLAH!!! It was a sign. lol. I winged it. I can't drop now and I refuse to take a 0.

I recently came to the news that somebody I know might be bi...I can't say that I was really surprised or not. And supposedly this person thought I knew. I didn't. lol. I wasn't really looking towards those signs...seeing that I am too involved in my own sexuality at the moment. Maybe its just confusion like Mario says. I haven't even had a crush on a new dude since foreverrrrrr, but for a girl yes, ehhh more like 2.

Jon is trying to be my friend again or something idk. We had a falling out cause...well I had to set him straight. I wasn't gonna let it continue. IDK what to do...how to react to it. I had grown so used to not hearing from him...idk. I've been alone and thats all good. Of course I miss Juan, but what can I really do? I can't cry...I have been struck by the case of the Steven : Emotional Numbness hahahahahaha. I don't give a fuck about anything...I'm just riding the waves. Watch tomorrow...I'm be all emotional about something hahaha. Tomorrow IS Juan Sunday...

I was talking to Mario about weddings...I guess since so many have passed by this spring he's like trying to plan out my wedding haha when I dont even have a fiance much less a bf or even an effing crush. And he asked me who my maid of honor would be and I was like IDK...you know it would be good if I would just marry Juan his best friend is a girl...so yall would just switch sides or something. And then I said some more reasons why marrying him would be best...blah. I need to stop thinking of him, and marriage together. 

I am here in Houston for the second weekend in a row. I hate it. I hate driving all the way over here, but my dad asked me to come so I had to. We are having the whole easter thing tomorrow and we are celebrating with my dad's side of the family for once. I hadn't seen them since december. One of my cousins is 3 months pregnant. Man...I'm the ONLY one of age here in Texas from my dad's side of the fam who doesn't have a man and/or kid. lol. I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I'm gonna be an old person and not married. Thats a little sad. Fuck it. More money for me.