Cindy Don't Cry

I really hate being on my period because the hurtful feelings that I have/experience are just magnified. I spoke to Esteban about it...like I always do. Ha...sometimes I feel bad that he's always my shoulder to "cry" on. but I dont really cry I just vent. Haha...I told him that I was on my period and that I was highly sensitive and he was like...you must be because I've never known you to be sensitive lol. Its so funny how I always have that "front" for all my friends. I think the only person I've cried in front of for Juan is Vanessa (and Steven, but he doesn't count anymore).

I told him how I cried once I saw a car that looked exactly like his...haha. I felt really retarded cause it was a stupid reason to cry. lol I cried as soon as I saw it...hahahaha I was bawling. lol. I had to slap myself out of it, literally.

And now I'm crying because I saw an ad to Tiffany's and I remember him saying, "Just don't pick a ring that costs more than ten grand" and I was thinking...shit 10 grand? thats a LOT for an engagement ring...

I'm trying my hardest...but its haunting. Nobody has ever made me shine as bright as he has...and now, my light has been shut out. Esteban said, "We just need to find you another MMA fighter who loves cars"

I wanna let him go, but i'm not that strong.

I can't make myself do that. I don't want to find a fucking replacement. I can't find another Juan. He was one of a fucking kind. I can always find guys with Steven traits or Aaron traits or Oscar traits or Adam or Carlos or whatever the fuck, but Juan was special. WIth him I let go of the fantasy. You know, the perfect soulmate fantasy of the guy that has a million dollars and is great with kids...the mentally manufactured flawless specimen lol that you can never find. He didn't meet some of my requirements, yet I KNEW he was the ONE. I came to that conclusion...which in turn made me human. lol I consider myself a vile and evil person - therefore not human. For once, I put somebody else's feelings in front of mine.

Esteban thinks that I need to find closure...that when I go to California, I need to look him up and talk it out. That he needs to yell at me and tell me exactly how he felt. I'm so bad at planned confrontations...I get nervous. lol. Esteban thinks that I'm still not myself...and that I won't be until that happens. I guess he's right...and he should know - he's known me for like 6 years. He could probably blackmail me if I ever held public office.

I've been crying throughout the course of this effin' period. I've become such a cliche...At least I don't have angry-monthlys.