We have Changed

Esteban,
I can't believe I told you that I still liked you...lol I would have felt bad if i would have told you that i was REALLY in love with you. You probably would have freaked out on me. I was drunk...well that was back in january. You said that you werent the same guy. And you're right. I'm not the same girl either. You still see me as the same girl...but with a slight more alcohol in my system.

Oh...how much did I dream of this moment. When me and you both were single...ahhh but ur loving that single life obviously. I dont blame you for it. the girls after me weren't so great to you. I miss you so much and I wished that me and you were together again. I want to be able to feel you close to me. I dont know what the fuck I'm saying anymore.

It strikes me as odd that i cant just pick up my cell phone and dial you. After my trip...I couldnt, I would put off calling you to wish you a belated birthday. its like there isnt that level of comfort anymore. i feel awkward or rejected somehow. You call me...a minute later you let me go. Then why even call me? i dont understand. I was sooo glad when you called me last night...but once again the convo was a minute...literally. What the fuck! What is it that you want? Why do you call me? Ahhh!!!

I'm upset...you're making me feel like an idiot...

Ahhh!!! lol

I was crazy to think that I was actually over my first love. lol...Esteban is the guy that I will always and forever love...theres NO doubt about it. Its been 2 and a half years...and I still feelo the same way. I still get butterflies in my stomach everytime I hear his voice. I still have the never-ending smile on my face when I think of him...I still daydream about him. Gosh! I'm soooo into him. He's still the guy that i wish I could marry...or would like whoever I marry to be just like him. So understanding, so cute, so handsome, so hardworking, so well set...so everything!!

Ahhh!!!! I can't hold it in anymore!!!! I'm in LOOOOVVVEEE!!! lol

I can't wait until next wednesday!!!

Out all night

For some reason...I had the urge to call German last night. I did...and he was studying for his Pshyc test. I let him go after a minute, and then he called me back like 5 minutes later. And we decided to go to the library. He said we shouldn't mess around and blah blah. And I was cool with it. I don't HAVE to kiss him...or be touched by him for that matter. I was ok with the fact that we were going to hang out as friends. And besides...all I really care about is that he's not with her. She's been staying in with the guy downstairs all week, but not today...well. I dunno. She left an hour ago...

Well we were studying until like 330...but then...we commenced into...yeah. I didnt want to...I said no for a while...but dammit! I couldn't resist. Then at around 5 we left, and we had tickets...great! we headed over to TC, and he was talking to me about how his dad's clinic got shot up by some black guy. He was so mad...and I tried to console him...I hugged him...but he pulled away after a second. I didnt like that AT ALL. and I was kinda hurt you know? He tried to console me...lol he rubbed my back, but he didnt get what was going on.

I felt SOOOOO tired...but I couldnt go to sleep. I had been up almost 24 fuckin hours. 2 hours shy of it. I felt bad...Aaron called me when I was heading out, But I didnt answer. I called him back today, but he was pissed off. LOL I sent him a message saying that I hated him...blah I don't give a fuck. I should just stay away from him.

I woke up at 12...blah I didnt wanna go to class...but i dragged myself out of bed. After class I went to get my refill at this new place. The pedi was EXPENSIVE! 30 dollars! blah but it looks cute. there was some drama going on up in there..I was like ouuuu lol

well...whatever...I have to pull an all nighter now. I hate tests

Acting like Jay?

My foot fell asleep ahhh! lol ... nah I'm a lil upset and maybe thats why I am procrastinating. No wait...I am a natural procrastinator. Me, Andee and Shani went to see this French Movie this afternoon and it was awesome. It was a really cute movie...cartoon sillouets. Cheered me up a bit. I've been a bit down since i havent seen or spoken to German. Besides things with Aaron arent any better.

After I got back on campus...I went back outside to get the rest of the stuff that I had left in my car. I got my crap and I was walking back when I noticed a truck pulling out of a parking spot right next to the Cafe and I was like, "Hey that looks like German's truck" at that time I just thought I was being ridiculous, but then it pulls out and theres the scoop on the hood. So it was him. Do you know how much I burned with jealousy and anger all at the same time? Why couldnt it be me he was out with? Why cant he scoop me up to go somewhere random? WHY!!?!? lol I'm going crazy!!!

I dont wanna be like Jay and bother the fuck outta him. I dont wanna smother him. I dont want him to think I'm still madly in love with him. I want to be nonchalant but i cant! Ten thousand times I wish I had never met him at all. And by disgrace we will still live close to eachother next semester...why oh why? Today I was searching like crazy on Xanga to see if I could find his blog...but no luck. I just wanna know how he feels about me without actually asking.

Ahhh...I'm stressing a LOT!