Fuckin' English Bulldog

Every time I feel something new for Alejandro, I feel more and more guilty. I keep on thinking about Juan. How much I miss him. I replay memories in my head over and over. I know I shouldn't. Its not even healthy, but I can't help it. Those memories keep on dragging me back to the past. In so many ways, I wish that they would just dissipate. Poof be gone. That way...I would be feeling ok. I wouldn't go forward with any regrets.

haha...but then I look back at them again, and I know that I would never ever trade my memories of Juan...EVER, for anything. They are my most precious.

I feel pathetic because when I think of our past, I fantasize about reuniting with him again. Making all of our previous plans a reality...setting up at a beach house with a couple of little ones and a fucking english bulldog. playing in the fucking sand. Having fun in the fucking sun for christ sake.

The few days before the weekend, all I thought about was UFC 100. That if we were together we would have gone together...gone to Vegas and stayed at the fuckin MGM. I had the stupid statue in my head...the lights...him in black button down shirt.

Jesus...I think my imagination has gotten out of hand. I'm imagining too much. Too many things that will NEVER come true.

Its fucking insane how much I love him when we weren't together for that long. How much he impacted my life. How sincere and clean my feelings were for him. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I am cursed with a love that I can't express.

i should sleep now.

must fix header ASAP!

follow your fucking bliss, bitches