Slow Reaction

Last night I wrote:

Sometimes I feel as if I am at the end of a dark tunnel running towards the light but never getting there…maybe I'm not really running, I'm power walking haha. Right now I don’t know how to react towards anything…I talked to John and he apoligized once again…he tried to act as if he's a GREAT friend. If you ask me I think he's faking it. I don’t give a fuck though it doesn’t faze me one bit anymore. He asked me are you still going to talk to me when you leave? And I'm like we'll see…and then he was all like, "knowing you…It was nice knowing you my number is…and my sn is…blah" and I'm like youre stupid…in my head though and I tell him, "my laptop screen is fucked up" and thgen he acts happy again and says, "I guess I will have to be calling you up while youre gone. If you don't mind that is" and I was like, "I would mind if you call me just because I got mad at you the other day. I'm not about to be your fuckin' pity case alright?" then he was like I'll talk to you later I'm gonna go play basketball.

Ugh whot-eva! I have a shit load of things to do and to buy before I go but I havent done it and I cant do it after cause I don’t have a car so…yeah. I'm supposed to go out with Vanessa and Ana tomorrow, going to the movies and junk. Maybe I will take my bro since he wants to see 4 Brothers too. I will have to see whats up. I want to buy some shoes before I go, but is it really imperative that I buy clothes at this moment? I mean it is college…who gives a damn what I look like…I'm going to show up in my pajamas fuck it…Its not as if I'd get prettier by the clothes that I'm wearing…same old eww me.

I'm still hoping that Aaron will call, and that Esteban will call…ugh I'm just a hopeless romantic. I need to snap out of it really…Can’t I ONCE for one entry can I write about me being happy? I guess I never really record the times when I'm happy, but the times that I'm sad.

Ana n Yoly called me and the phone was on silent so I didn’t answer. Hahaha Yoly was all like, "I'm Eduardo, youre a hot mama, I just want to eat you up" hahahaha it made me laugh theyre so retarded lol. They were inviting me to hang out before I leave…sucks that I cant go with them…probably the next time I will see them is on Thanksgiving, or Christmas break. We will have to see how it goes.

So much crap

so many things happened to me in a span of 24 hours...I was chillin in SPIsland and I get a call from HPD...my car had been stolen. On the way back to Houston we get a speeding ticket...I arrive at the place where my little honda is at and its tottalled...cant even turn on. it was grafhittied (SP?) in marker inside, the whole car is scratched up, broken mirrors, all 4 sides and top of car was dented in, right door wont close...and the list goes on...Officer arrives and he tells me I have to go to court to get them to go to jail...they were 16 so they get a slap on the hand for their first offense...bullshit. and if I want to sue for damages I will have to go to civil claims court. Dad doesnt want to so nothing is going to be done...

while I was waiting for the wreker to get to the place to pick up my car and take it to the shop mom called but I didnt have signal...she left a message. As I was listening to the messages there was 2 new messages. One from my mom and the other from Aaron...why I never received that call or picked up? I dont know...it was on the 4th of August. He said he missed me...what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?!? I cried in the rain for about an hour. This whole freakin day when I was in SPI all I could think about was him. Maybe it was something telling me something...I cant believe that I missed his call...I'm getting teary now...

Manny called me on the way to houston...He doesnt remember that night when he was acting a fool...I cut the conversation short...didnt really feel like talking to him for a long time.

Esteban called me too...somehow since it was my car that was stolen all I could think about was him at that time...he loves cars...but we only spoke for like 10 minutes while I told him the story of my car... then his line clicked...he put me on hold for a LONG time...dumbass. and then just to click over to tell me he would call me back. It was probably his new love interest that he was telling me about...that skank.

Then Dave called me from San Antonio...he's awesome. I might hang out with him first semester of school. he is going to be working at the mall accross from UTSA...we'll lunch date like he said hahahaha. He's dorky.

After that I got into it with John. He got mad and started saying all types of bullshit. He didnt say it straight out but I knew what he meant by the things he said. He's pissed...cause of things I cant mention, but the point of the story is that he thinks that all I'm not worthy of a relationship with somebody and that all I'm good for is a night...if you know what I mean. I was so hurt...I cried and I was embarrased because I was crying, but I cant help it that I'm so fuckin sensitive. I sobbed...and had that silent part in the middle you know what I'm talking about? I erased his number from my phone and his texts and everything...Now to erase him outta my memory.

I'm not saying that I wont speak to him again...I may be a bitch but I'm not that much of a bitch to not forgive somebody about something while they acted when they were mad....or am I? I will have to wait and see about that because I'm not sure.

Then I talked to my friend Sam...he's such an ass...hahaha but because of him being an ass I stopped crying...he said you met trash throw it away...and blah blah I dont remember...

Now I feel numb and sick...I wanna leave but my plans are now delayed to saturday...

Should be asleep

I should be asleep its pretty late, but it seems as if I have become and insomniac, which is fine I suppose. I do go out at night most of the time. I dont need to be awake during the day anymore. My lil bro is starting at his new elementary school tomorrow. He's going to be a Magnet kid uh! oh! just like his big Sis! I got in a big argument with my mom yesterday. She wanted me to go to my bro's school to get his school supplies when she had just gone the day before. I was still awake at 8 am but fell asleep. I odnt usually wake up until 1 pm on a regular basis. So, I didnt really see the big deal with me going to sleep. I woke up at one, I have an alarm hahahah and the comes in busting through the front door and she was like blah blah blah I DON'T NEED YOU! sO I went back inmy room and slept again. I mean...obviously she doesnt need me. i was going to get the school supplies they didnt close until 3. I dont know what the big deal was. She doesnt need me huh? Well we'll see how it goes when I'm gone. Ha I bet they wont even remember my name...

I dont know what to do about the John situation. In a way I feel I should apoligize and tell him that I will see him on Friday. I dont want to see him...like I said he will only want to have sex... and it shouldnt be a big deal but it is to me. I know He's not the best...maybe cause I was so used to Aaron...Shit...Aaron was a big time freak. In a way I'm like damn I should fuck him on Friday he's a HOOOOOTTTTTIIIEEE, but then again I'm like fuck that I dont need sex...haha. I'll think about it tomorrow.

Army Research

I did my research yesterday. Basic training for the army is 9 weeks. That means that Aaron wont be back home until late September. That makes me feel so...bad. I have waited a month and now i have to wait another. I didnt think i would miss Aaron so much but I do and now I dont know what the hell to do. Every number that calls me and I dont recognize I think its him, but realistically (SP?) its not him and I'm just making up stories in my head. I've made so many mistakes in my life but...when youre making them, you dont realize it and thats what screws you over. I want to be able to welcome him back home with open arms, but I wont even be in Houston when he comes back.

Somehow i feel as if I made the right decision in not getting married with Aaron...thats what my head tells me and my heart tells me that I'm a stupid retard for letting him leave the way he did and then my head's saying Aaron always comes back to you doesn't he? and I'm confused. I was never really sure if I actually loved Aaron or if I was just addicted to him, until now. I realize that he was a BIG part of my life. He made my world go round but I just treated him like dirt but it was only to fight back. Ehhh we were both at fault. Our relationship was the weirdest and I didnt expect it to change. I dont want a guy that I can push around...I can NEVER tell Aaron what to do which pissed me off and made me happy at the same time. I made him change so much though. I forced him to go to school and to do something with his life. I didnt actually think he was going to do something about it but he went back to school and thats awesome. Maybe its my fault that he's in the Army now. But hey it was his dream...so I should be proud of myself and proud of him, right?

I cant help but miss him...Its driving me crazy. John...and people of the summer were and will only be people of the summer. People to keep me from going insane from the lonely days stuck in between four walls. There has only been 4 important guys in my life and John isnt one of them.
JC was the first guy that ever paid attention to me
Chad was the first guy that loved me
Esteban the first guy that I loved
Aaron the only guy I've loved and hated at the same time