Army Research

I did my research yesterday. Basic training for the army is 9 weeks. That means that Aaron wont be back home until late September. That makes me feel so...bad. I have waited a month and now i have to wait another. I didnt think i would miss Aaron so much but I do and now I dont know what the hell to do. Every number that calls me and I dont recognize I think its him, but realistically (SP?) its not him and I'm just making up stories in my head. I've made so many mistakes in my life but...when youre making them, you dont realize it and thats what screws you over. I want to be able to welcome him back home with open arms, but I wont even be in Houston when he comes back.

Somehow i feel as if I made the right decision in not getting married with Aaron...thats what my head tells me and my heart tells me that I'm a stupid retard for letting him leave the way he did and then my head's saying Aaron always comes back to you doesn't he? and I'm confused. I was never really sure if I actually loved Aaron or if I was just addicted to him, until now. I realize that he was a BIG part of my life. He made my world go round but I just treated him like dirt but it was only to fight back. Ehhh we were both at fault. Our relationship was the weirdest and I didnt expect it to change. I dont want a guy that I can push around...I can NEVER tell Aaron what to do which pissed me off and made me happy at the same time. I made him change so much though. I forced him to go to school and to do something with his life. I didnt actually think he was going to do something about it but he went back to school and thats awesome. Maybe its my fault that he's in the Army now. But hey it was his dream...so I should be proud of myself and proud of him, right?

I cant help but miss him...Its driving me crazy. John...and people of the summer were and will only be people of the summer. People to keep me from going insane from the lonely days stuck in between four walls. There has only been 4 important guys in my life and John isnt one of them.
JC was the first guy that ever paid attention to me
Chad was the first guy that loved me
Esteban the first guy that I loved
Aaron the only guy I've loved and hated at the same time