Ding! Epiphany

I was on the road and I was thinking about my actions and why I am psychotic with some people and just fine with others. I figured out that when I am feeling very insecure, I act a damn fool.

I didn't act a damn fool with Juan because IDK. I always trusted him. No matter the situation I knew that he was loyal to me. Well, thats how I felt anyway. I mean I won't totally and absolutely know everything but I was pretty secure that he wasn't the cheating type or the type to fuck me over like I fucked him over.

Or another example - Jonathan I didn't even give a shit when he stopped talking to me cause well he was always friend zoned and we just "dated" cause I was bored and needed attention.

but on the other hand with Matthew since we were NEVER officially together I felt like he was going to leave me at any time. I didn't want him to go and as soon as I felt him slipping away I would go psycho. and thats also how it happened with Steven...by the end I was so insecure about him because he seemed so distant.

So...I guess when I turn psycho it means that I am insecure even though I dont really notice it until I am over and done with the situation.

Dreams Dreams

Christy and I drove to San Marcos last night. I couldnt go to sleep so, I woke up today at 750 am to drive to SA. I got dropped off at my aunts house where I took a nap.

I kept waking up and going to sleep, and thats at the point where I start dreaming.

I dreamed that I was in Northline (as a mall before it got demolished and rebuilt) and I was looking for this sex shop because apparently I was in need for porn. Why I didn't use the internet? idk. But the mall was different even more ghetto than it was. The names of the stores were spray painted in that "tagging" bullshit all colorful. The place that I was looking for was not there. I asked somebody and they said that the place had been moved to, "Baybrook, or willowbrook" then I asked, "Northwest?" And they said yes. I headed out the door and Esteban picked me up. Everything around me was cartoon-like, far from what reality really looks like. We were in a low rider car.

Then I get a phone call from Juan. It was like a movie I could see him on the phone as well. I tell him that I am going to a sex shop, and that I masturbate 18 times a day. He then responded, "thats really impressive" And his reaction reminded me of the old times. lol. But how would I even have time to do that 18 times? It would have to be an all day affair. I react like with this smug look on my face like yeahhhh I'm a bad ass (cause masturbation is a GREAT thing to waste your day on instead of actually getting laid) lmao. And Esteban looks at me with annoyance because I am talking to Juan - he WOULD be annoyed.

I wake up like somebody jolted me with electricity. My eyes WIDE open. I immediately get upset because the dream I was having with Juan is gone. I can't go back to sleep and continue the dream. I was even more upset because thats the closest I can get to him now.

I'm really grateful to Shani for the thing we did today. It was stupid I know, but I needed it.

I am watching Vanguard documentaries as I type this blog, and I am crying like a blubbering idiot. I usually just cry tears without a sound, but right now, at this moment I am crying with such emotion...& that its pretty lame. I don't know if its because I know that his house is less than 5 minutes away from where I am now or its because I'm just emotional. But when the fuck am I not emotional with this subject? This room holds so many memories of happiness as well as of despair. I want to stop crying so bad, but i CANT! I CANT! I just wanna run away sooo far so fucking far, and possibly hit my head on the way to nowhere so that I can forget it all.

Fall out of Love

As hopelessly psychotic as I have been over him, there's absolutely no way that I can just jump out of love.

I didn't wait around playing freaking yatzee by the phone waiting for love to call me nor did I wish upon a star for this gorgeous man to come and be the most perfect man there could ever be. It happened out of nowhere in a flash. It was a wonderful surprise that I didn't expect. Even when we were in the "friend" stage I didn't even think anything of him, just a friend. I didn't even find him attractive for some STRANGE reason. Love with him happened all of the sudden, and all of the sudden is how I will get over him.

I reading something the other day and it said, "You'll find another soulmate - once you forget about this one" Last summer I found somebody else and that was fine. Although, he wasn't my soul mate, I liked him very much. I even vlogged about being 90% over Juan. LMAO. What a fucking joke. I can't cover up a wound with a bandaid. I have to actually get over it.But how much time must I let go past before the getting over it crap begins?

When is the memory of him going to stop haunting me? I am sick and tired of crying myself to sleep because I can't have him, and because I will never get to redeem myself.

Some people say, "The easiest way to get over somebody is to cut all communications with them. Delete them out of your life" Ok...he's done that lol. He's cut me out of his life completely! I don't even know where he is, or who he's with. And to be honest yeah, its a GOOD thing - if you look at it from a certain angle. If he has a gf that he's so in love with - I don't know about it. But you know, when I think of it, my heart shatters, and then finely milled to be scattered in the ugliest of places. If I knew of this my world would come to an end. I would NOT be able to deal with it - not that I'm dealing with this fabulously. If I knew he was getting married, I would die. I would try to kill myself in so many ways. Ok. Maybe I wouldn't kill myself, but I would be so deep in a pit of despair that I would cry for the rest of my life.

All communications have been lost. Yet, I have not gotten over it. Instead it has made me insane.

I want to fast forward a couple of years to see myself free and clear of him. I want to be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, that was amazing, but now I have this great guy" or some stupid bullshit like that.

Juan was my "the one." So,there had better be more than one 'the one', or else I'm fucked.

Doomed and Unrequited

is the name of this blog I've been reading these past 3 hours. It seems really odd to be reading somebody else's blog especially since this is an older person's blog from across the world...Anyway, I saw a link to it from another blog. So, I was like why not. He had a couple of years blogging. I started from the beginning and now I'm in 2005.

He's married with children and in love with a younger woman. His wife knows about it, and I think they may have a troubled marriage. The younger woman, "L" has a BF and isn't really interested in him other than just being his friend - hence the name of the blog "Doomed and Unrequited" The blog has caught my interest because this guy seems to be genuinely in love with the young woman.

And also because he seems as obsessive about L as I am about Juan. At least he gets to see L around the office from time to time and hug her. I love how he cherishes the little times he's kissed her, or how he obsesses over her text messages. If my BB wouldn't have effed up I would probably read his texts all the time, know them by heart even.

Anyway, I haven't obsessed over him much this week. Mainly because I have been busting my ass to probably just failing this damn class anyway. I am so pissed because I had excellent grades. it pisses me offfff ahhh!

On another note, I haven't spoken to Esteban in a week. I am REALLY thinking that he is back with his ex, and he's running from me. He KNOWS that I'm going to give him shit over it because its stupid. The situation is stupid. The other night he called me, and he sounded weird. I asked him if he had been crying and he said no, but I mean c'mon what guy is gonna admit to crying? Then he told me that he had spoken to her. She told him a bunch of stuff, that he was a crappy boyfriend and so on ans so forth. he felt pretty shitty cause in reality I don't think he was. he would drive so far every week to see her. I mean to take that drive for 3 years would stress any one. He worked and went to school fulltime and thats not an easy task.