Dreams Dreams

Christy and I drove to San Marcos last night. I couldnt go to sleep so, I woke up today at 750 am to drive to SA. I got dropped off at my aunts house where I took a nap.

I kept waking up and going to sleep, and thats at the point where I start dreaming.

I dreamed that I was in Northline (as a mall before it got demolished and rebuilt) and I was looking for this sex shop because apparently I was in need for porn. Why I didn't use the internet? idk. But the mall was different even more ghetto than it was. The names of the stores were spray painted in that "tagging" bullshit all colorful. The place that I was looking for was not there. I asked somebody and they said that the place had been moved to, "Baybrook, or willowbrook" then I asked, "Northwest?" And they said yes. I headed out the door and Esteban picked me up. Everything around me was cartoon-like, far from what reality really looks like. We were in a low rider car.

Then I get a phone call from Juan. It was like a movie I could see him on the phone as well. I tell him that I am going to a sex shop, and that I masturbate 18 times a day. He then responded, "thats really impressive" And his reaction reminded me of the old times. lol. But how would I even have time to do that 18 times? It would have to be an all day affair. I react like with this smug look on my face like yeahhhh I'm a bad ass (cause masturbation is a GREAT thing to waste your day on instead of actually getting laid) lmao. And Esteban looks at me with annoyance because I am talking to Juan - he WOULD be annoyed.

I wake up like somebody jolted me with electricity. My eyes WIDE open. I immediately get upset because the dream I was having with Juan is gone. I can't go back to sleep and continue the dream. I was even more upset because thats the closest I can get to him now.

I'm really grateful to Shani for the thing we did today. It was stupid I know, but I needed it.

I am watching Vanguard documentaries as I type this blog, and I am crying like a blubbering idiot. I usually just cry tears without a sound, but right now, at this moment I am crying with such emotion...& that its pretty lame. I don't know if its because I know that his house is less than 5 minutes away from where I am now or its because I'm just emotional. But when the fuck am I not emotional with this subject? This room holds so many memories of happiness as well as of despair. I want to stop crying so bad, but i CANT! I CANT! I just wanna run away sooo far so fucking far, and possibly hit my head on the way to nowhere so that I can forget it all.