Fall out of Love

As hopelessly psychotic as I have been over him, there's absolutely no way that I can just jump out of love.

I didn't wait around playing freaking yatzee by the phone waiting for love to call me nor did I wish upon a star for this gorgeous man to come and be the most perfect man there could ever be. It happened out of nowhere in a flash. It was a wonderful surprise that I didn't expect. Even when we were in the "friend" stage I didn't even think anything of him, just a friend. I didn't even find him attractive for some STRANGE reason. Love with him happened all of the sudden, and all of the sudden is how I will get over him.

I reading something the other day and it said, "You'll find another soulmate - once you forget about this one" Last summer I found somebody else and that was fine. Although, he wasn't my soul mate, I liked him very much. I even vlogged about being 90% over Juan. LMAO. What a fucking joke. I can't cover up a wound with a bandaid. I have to actually get over it.But how much time must I let go past before the getting over it crap begins?

When is the memory of him going to stop haunting me? I am sick and tired of crying myself to sleep because I can't have him, and because I will never get to redeem myself.

Some people say, "The easiest way to get over somebody is to cut all communications with them. Delete them out of your life" Ok...he's done that lol. He's cut me out of his life completely! I don't even know where he is, or who he's with. And to be honest yeah, its a GOOD thing - if you look at it from a certain angle. If he has a gf that he's so in love with - I don't know about it. But you know, when I think of it, my heart shatters, and then finely milled to be scattered in the ugliest of places. If I knew of this my world would come to an end. I would NOT be able to deal with it - not that I'm dealing with this fabulously. If I knew he was getting married, I would die. I would try to kill myself in so many ways. Ok. Maybe I wouldn't kill myself, but I would be so deep in a pit of despair that I would cry for the rest of my life.

All communications have been lost. Yet, I have not gotten over it. Instead it has made me insane.

I want to fast forward a couple of years to see myself free and clear of him. I want to be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, that was amazing, but now I have this great guy" or some stupid bullshit like that.

Juan was my "the one." So,there had better be more than one 'the one', or else I'm fucked.