Fighting Sleep

This is why I have always had some weird ass sleeping patterns...Sometimes I am like sleepy as can be, but I fight my drowsiness till the end...till it wins...usually hours since when the battle began.

Esteban called me today and all I could talk about was Juan...I think he was a bit upset about it. I can't lie and say that I don't still have feelings for Juan cause I do...idk the exact words he said but it was like...if you have these strong feelings for Juan, you can't have feelings for me. I didn't respond. What could I say? They were true. I told him myself...like a couple of minutes before, "It seems like after Juan...I can't commit myself COMPLETLY to somebody else. I don't think I can give that same amount of love to another. He still has it" then he was like, "Yeah, the whole thing was intense"

Then I asked him, "If you could go back in time would you change anything?" I was clearly asking because I wanted to say that I wouldn't have fucked up with Juan...lol but he goes, "Yeah, I would change some things. I would have paid attention to you instead of those girls" Whoaaa! lol Somehow I felt guilty...I mean before Juan he was the guy of my dreams. The sweet, good looking, sensitive, nice, giving, goal-oriented, double-majored, level headed, patient, manly, spanish speaker, etc. That's still Esteban, plus more. Juan...isn't really the guy that I had made up in my mind that was "Mr. Perfect" He's actually nowhere near close (ok he does carry most, but not all). Juan's just the guy that made me think differently about what Mr. Perfect was supposed to be for ME.

Ahhh! I almost forgot...so yes I did get back to Juan...my hour of Juan was great, ugh too bad he had to go to school. He's working at Lexus now. Ouu la la! I totally imagined him all greasy and sexy...lol like the sex scene in F&F in the garage. He's graduating in 3 weeks. I'm soooooo proud of him. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am. I don't think I've ever been proud of anybody's achievements before.

Ugh...I thought about our conversation and about him, and about us - what we used to be, throughout the day and the next day. I can always think that he still cares about me, but I don't know that for sure. I am hurting myself for coming up with these stupid ideas in my head. I didn't ask if he had a new gf, or whatever. For all I know, he probably has one. One that is 10 times more good looking than I could ever be...I wish I had Edward's super vampire power to read thoughts...this sucks

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I got a new haircut...I don't know if I'm completly sold on it. I haven't styled it in the two days I've had it. The lady that was cutting my hair was probably the only hispanic hairstylist there was. She had a slight accent that I picked up, and she seemed very cold towards me. I then told her that if she wanted to she could speak in Spanish haha. I should have told her that from the start cause then she IMMEDIATLY warmed up to me, "Your parents taught you how to speak Spanish!?!" I don't know what that amazed her, but then again the area we live in is very White...

I have yet to see my cousin's daughter. It makes me kinda mad...lol I mean not like GRRRR but ughhh but not. hahaha. I wanna see her already!!!

I want to blog some more...but I don't...I'm starting to get that I-feel-like-crap-cause-of-the-reality-of-Juan-and-I feeling again. I'm sad. dammit. I'll just try to sleep, instead.