What the french?

I was talking to Juan this weekend. He's leaving in May after his sister's wedding. Blahh...I'm really upset...I'm just really sad.

I thought about it a lot before I fell asleep...which led to the dream that I had...well I guess the series of dreams. The first one was with him. It was an amazing dream...I was so happy with him. I felt myself waking up. and in my head I was like, "NO NO NO NO DONT WAKE UP!" but I woke up. I wanted to cry. I decided that maybe if I fell back asleep really quick I would get back in that dream...NOPE

The next dream - I was driving to pick up Steven because he was drunk. He kept on talking to me, but i wasn't paying attention. I was just driving. I was annoyed...kinda like, "he's drunk again!" I guess we had gotten to our place and I tried to balance him going up the stairs. The place looked small...like a studio apartment. everything there was like a beige muted color that I would have NEVER picked. It was plain, and I dont like plain. Unless it was all like inspired by Declaration of Independence.

haha ok enough of that. He layed down on the bed, and he fell asleep. I sat there on the bed feeling extremely shitty. "Why is he always getting drunk?" My emotions seemed exacerbated. I had this look of failure mixed in with pain in my face. It was awful to see, even if it was only a dream. I turned to him and looked at him with so much love...I started to caress his face. He woke up and stood up. He told me, "You are not my first lover" wtf? lol wtf was dream steven talking about? and I asked. Then he said, "She deserves me more than you do" My eyes grew watery and I told him to get the fuck out of the apartment. I didnt wait to see if he had left. I went to the bathroom...ran a bath...and saw sxephil lol from YouTube in the water...wtf? lol like effin Zordon...hahaha

Idk...I woke up. Again, I wanted to cry. I felt so bad about myself. I felt responsible...for everything that went bad. the thought, "YOU JUST WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" Circled my thoughts over and over.

I didn't really understand why this kept on effin haunting me. Or maybe I had come to this conclusion before but since I hadn't had this stupid dream in a while...I forgot. haha anyway, i was speaking to my friend Garrett, and mindlessly I said, "idk. I'm scared that I will make somebody else feel the same way...and I guess thats why I havent really taken anybody seriously after that."

Whoa! DING DING DING! Any guy that has tried...I have moved away from without even noticing it. I can't believe I NEVER noticed. Cesar, Jim, Jonathan...and even Juan to an extent. (whats up with all the Js?) I don't want to kill somebody's passion, and get hurt in the process. I'm terrified. Garrett then gave me an explanation...which I will prob blog about later; I dont feel like going into details now. It made sense...but I will never know if its true. or maybe it didnt make sense and it was too far fetched...i dont fucking know.

All I want is to forget it...and I will forget it because I always tuck it back into the back of my mind where useless information/memories should be stored, in the locked files of my mind's basement.