I haven't blogged in a week. Ever since I've gotten back from Houston, I've been sooooo blah, tired. Tired like NOOOOOO other. I've felt like so much crap physically...ugh. My head's been hurting constantly. I've lost sleep also. Idk what's been going on with me this week, but gosh, its awful.
A few weeks ago, my skin started to look really bumpy. So not cute. I started using these lush products, and my shiny-ness has really gone down. My skin feels so soft. I think I have to go back for the herbalism cleanser though to use at night. Angels on bare skin is too mild.
On the other hand, my nails look kick ass.
I got a D on my accounting test. I swear that was the hardest test I've ever taken in my life. I was expecting a 30, but the D was good. The test had 40 questions. I swear I wasn't halfway through when there was 15 minutes left. I didn't feel as dumb because half the class was right there with me. Thats what I get for not studying though.
I have another test Thursday which means that tomorrow will be dedicated to that, and that alone. I will sleep in! yes! I'm broke! I have nowhere to go.
Thursday Mari, her kids and Mayra came to San Antonio. We spent a lot of time holding the baby, feeding him, passing him around, rocking him...haha it was fun. I've never really felt much for babies but for him...idk its different. We went to see "I love you, Man." I had pretty low expectatios but actually it was hillarious. I liked it a lot. Shani said it described Collin very well, and that just brought about a huge conversation.
We later went to ihop. Mayra spoke about her new relationship...sorta, Guy-that-she's-talking-to. We left ihop at 2 am and went to see the Twilight movie that we had just waited in line for. Meh...after reading the books, the movie seemed blah. Twilight was the boring-est book out of the rest though.
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I think about Juan daily. Here and there. Nothing too substantial or substantial of anyone. I did have a flash of the first time I had sex with one of my exes though, and I was overwhelmed with awkwardness lol. I briefly spoke to him last Sunday, and I told myself I was gonna get back to him, but I didn't.
Time is just passing and passing, and I'm still feeling this way - wanting to be in his arms without being able to. I'm trying to find some kind of exit to not feel this way anymore. I didn't cry about it this week. Ugh, these past two days though, the tears were just building inside of me, burning me. I couldn't tell you how many times my eyes were watery. I refused to let a tear drop. noopee. no! it wasn't going to happen.
What I hate the most is that this WHOLE thing is making me feel lonely. EWWW! Cindy Saint Mary doesn't feel lonely, thats a gross emotion that I will try to evade. Its bullshit. I like my new found independence. ARRGGHHH!!! The whole Juan situation is making me go back to the person I was, the person that made me feel bad about myself.
Nothing is going to happen between Juan and I. I don't know it, but a pessimistic person like me...always thinks the worst! haha...POINT IS that the only way I can be happy with this is if it moves forward (he's the only person I would give up my independence for) or I fucking stick to my independence and move the fuck on.
Feelings...suck sometimes.
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