Yuck

I'm so disgusted with things...with myself...with life - today anyway. Work went by like any other day. The kids were ok...had like 4 meltdowns, more than usual. Peyton said that she wanted me to be her mommy. Aww I love Peyton. That made my day...somehow.

I went to class and I actually paid attention. I mean I never really paid attention because I was always so confused. I wish he would have worked through problems like that before. I would have understood so much better. Now, the test is like...two days away. I don't think I could get it all in my head. I will probably spend the whole night studying in the library. I'm due for a study session. I haven't really cracked open my books. That's what I will be doing my whole spring break for the Accounting test the Monday that follows.

I ate some pasta...and watched the Nip/Tuck season finale. The ending sucked. Not because it was bad but because it was a little sad, in a way.

I got a headache. A really bad, annoying one joined with a really nauseous feeling. I wanted to throw up. Too many mushrooms I guess. I decided to take a bath. They usually de-stress me. I also wanted to try out the Lush stuff I grabbed yesterday. I spent a whole hour and a half in the tub. I slumped in...listening to the 4th book. The warm water was soothing. I wish I could have fallen asleep there, but I didn't feel like drowning today, and the water would have turned ice cold then shani turned on the AC. My headache went away. I feel just really hot now. Annoyingly hot.

The Lush products are amazing...and VEGAN :) My skin feels so soft. My face smells like blueberries, my hair smells like chocolate ahaha, and my body smells like honey. Meh...maybe all the smells would not be such a good thing, but idk I don't think they have mixed together.
I don't feel like facing today...or any other day.

I'm like 4 days away from the call...the birthday call. I really hope he doesn't answer. I DO want to hear his voice though. He's never rejected my phone calls...he always answers. He's only not answered once, but texted me right away...he was in class. I had dialed him on accident...but it was sweet of him to respond anyway.

I hate the thoughts that are flooding my mind now...when he said, "How could I ever stop loving you?" he said that after...we...broke...up...bleh. I'm stupid for remembering. I want to cut them...snip snip snip and let them all float away. The only time I really let myself think about it too much is when I'm idle. Especially while driving...of course the Fountain Soundtrack was in...Tears fill my eyes, but I stop it before they run down my cheeks.

I'm looking forward to Spring Break. I need it. I need to leave...I need to be around other people or I need to be...with my closer friends. Vanessa txtd me today, "I can't wait until the old crew comes together. I miss the times when we were rolling around in Ana's van" I laughed out loud, literally, and instantly remembered the bag of old clothes we used as bean bags in the back. I think I want to come back early though. I want to spend time by myself. All by myself. I think I need it, deserve it.

blah...follow your fucking bliss.