I hate myself.

I hate myself because I let all the crap thats happened to me, happen to me.

I have the conversation logs on my desktop, and I keep on reading them. I keep on feeling shitty, and I keep wanting to have him here. I am torturing myself all over again - reopening a wound - picking a scab.

I am so desperate to have some sort of communication with him. I want to know what he's doing, if he's ok, where he is. Instead I know nothing, and I feel like nothing.

Its so funny how my emotional state has revolved around him the past couple of years. Its embarrassing. My love life has stopped functioning. I cannot seem to generate feelings for anyone. All of them have been forced, or eventually forced.

I want to scream.
I want to yell.
I wanna cry my eyes out.