I like John…so much but he doesn’t seem like he wants a relationship…or that he doesn’t like me enough. WHOA How could I had fallen for him so quickly. I didn’t even know what hit me. Maybe its because I like him so…so much. We have so many things in common its…its unbelievable. And maybe…noo! No! I'm like getting way too deep way too fast. I'm not even into guys with a body like his…whats wrong with me? I go for the average joe not…hottie-model-could-be John. I don’t like dating guys like John…makes me feel insecure. And maybe that’s why I was so insecure with Aaron…c'mon Aaron the ex-boxer. But I'm done with Aaron, for good for good. Though it seems like I always grow weak around him. Its probably because every time he comes back to me I'm either alone or with a guy that I'm just talking to to pass the time.
I just don’t understand the big desire to be…with John. When I damn well know that that’s just retarded on my part…I can't. He so… and I'm so…so…not! I'm so…scared cause I know that John will probably not pay attention to me any longer. Heh doesn’t that feel like shit. I'm just too into him and maybe I need to spend time away from him. Though he's been doing a good job of not calling me these past few days. I'm just stupid…
On another note…I contacted this girl Evelyn…we went to Burbank together. She was awesome, but a little weird you know? SO I didn’t really talk to her…I guess I thought that I was in another classification…I was dumb like that. And maybe because of my stupid ways I missed out on getting to know a lot of people. Anyway…she said that we should go bike ridding and I'm like that’s awesome we should so do that. Its funner to work out with somebody else I guess. So I'm really looking forward to that.
Going back to what I was talking about...I'm so confused by him. He says one thing, but I dunno does another? Shit…I just don’t like to read into people…though everybody has to read into me. HA! I want him…I want to be with him. But I dunno…I doubt that it will happen. I haven't talked to him on the phone since Friday night/Saturday morning…it feels like a lifetime ago.
Or maybe its that I want John so bad cause he's the only one that’s shown interest in me lately…
JR…a friend that likes me, but I don't like even though he's such a nice guy and he cares. I guess its cause I don’t want to be with a guy that has been laid off for…a long time
Andrew…only calls cuando le da la gana…So it’s like I'm starting over with him every time. And he's a drop out that smokes weed. I DON’T mind that he's a drop out but he has no ambitions, no dreams, no plans, no goals. He just…iust what I want.
Oscar…is obviously in love with me…I sense it…like he likes me SO much but he's fighting to not admit it or to not show it. If not he wouldn’t have been hurt when I told him that I was over him. He had his chance…a whole fuckin year and he didn’t take advantage.
Aaron…he hates me and I can see it from a mile away. He says he loves me, but I never (well not never but rarely) see his so-called love. I would actually love him back if he did love me like he says he does, but he chooses not to show me. He ends up pushing me away every time. That’s why I didn’t want to marry him before he left to Iraq. Now, I'm glad he's leaving so that finally I can live in peace.
I should stop talking about john but I can't. Its like lately he's been on my mind all the time and its driving me crazy! And not in a good way. I just get so nervous…and I've never felt that way. I want him to pay attention to me. Damn how desperate do I sound…eww…Cindy…get a grip on reality and snap out of it.
But if he doesn’t pay attention to me…I guess I'll just feel bad and not…do anything about it. I'm not the stalker or crazy (like that) type. If he doesn’t want me…all I can do is move on. I won't and will NEVER beg a man to be with me. Only if I know exactly how he feels for me. Right now I'm just confused. Maybe cause…before on Saturday I knew…I knew how he felt, but now I don’t. I'm just confused but I'm too scared to ask him whats up.
Since I'm in San Antonio right now (I made it here in 1 hr 1/2 hahah I'm good huh?) and my computer WONT connect to the stupid wireless internet I got online with my AOL messenger on my phone. Of course I was getting online cause of him. He's the only one on AIM…heh I had to download it to talk to him lol. And I was talkin to him and he was like hey hottie and I was like huh? Lol I was confused I didn’t think he was talking to me. But then after like a few minutes he was like I'll brb it was 20 minutes later and he still wasn’t back…of course I was upset…he knows that I'm only online on AIM cause of him. I felt stupid…waiting patiently…so I guess I got pissed and I was like…guess youre busy, later. I expected him to call me or txt me like that the last time, but nope. I guess he might not care anymore, but then again I am a DRAMA QUEEN, and I think into things too much. Every move a guy makes…I just have to analyze it and try to figure it out like if it actually means something…I guess I over-stress myself. Whoa this is a long blog...
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