Epiphany

So I was in Statistics class...I always half-way pay attention and then I feel guilty about it haha. Anyway, I wasn't even much thinking about this AT ALL, but it just came to me - I was NOT myself when I was with Steven. That was not Cindy. OMG. On the other hand when I was with Juan...now, that was Cindy. wow. I was always a bitch to Steven...well I can't say always cause he still "fell" for me...bleh. I didn't want him to go anywhere...be with anybody else but me. Who does that? A healthy relationship also requires time apart. I mean...after a while he was more into me-him only things, and I got sick of him. Then he got sick of me again. hahah what a bad cycle.

Juan was always at liberty to do what he pleased. I didn't mind. I trusted him with everything that I had. I trust him now. I would ENCOURAGE him to go out...to hang out with John, and that car club. I even said it was ok by me if he went to a strip club with some dude from work. As long I knew where he was, and he was safe...I wasn't phased. Thats amazing. lol

I'm not the same without him. I am somebody else. I've given myself away to other people when I wasn't supposed to. I need him to make me whole again.

How could I have forgotten the wonderful-ness of it all? I want to make it right. I want to take a chance. I want to try. I don't want to give it up. I want to love him more than I did before. I want to start again. I have this empty place inside of me. I hate the way I feel without him.

I was talking to Vanessa...She's going out with a guy named Steven, haha. Supposedly thats like her "love" and she's taking him like SERIOUSLY SERIOUS...haha. IDK thats hes deal. Anyway, I told her, "Would I move just to follow him?" It was like a question I asked myself, of course. lol. And I was like, "I'm not thinking that I would, but I'm not thinking that I wouldn't" Whoa! Slapped en la cara! I am absolutely absorbed.

Moving on, I actually showed up to my Marketing class today. It wasn't too bad. The big auditorium is supposed to be filled but nope, nobody GOES! Probably half of the class was there give or take. I found it very helpful actually. I had read the chapter beforehand, but when he went over his notes it seemed like we read two dif chapter...no wonder I failed the last test haha. I'm taking the optional final, so no worries.

I'm really frustrated with my hair right now. Obviously, I haven't had a trim since July, naturally it would frustrate me. The bangs I can deal with. Its not very difficult to cut them myself. So I thought to myself - I HAVE make an appointment SOMEWHERE! Ugh, I'm so broke its sad. lol. Its like, I'm living paycheck to paycheck. If its not one thing its the other. Ugh, I got a notice from my apartment complex that I owe like nearly 90 bucks...Say what?!? Yeah and it all started from a 15 dollar fine. What kind of bullshit is that?!? Tell me! I had already fixed this shit. I had spoken to the empty headed manager Celene, that insolent whore. She didn't document our conversation. She didn't follow through with what she had promised. So, I'm angry. I am really really angry. Since she didn't record it and made no changes to my account, and she claims to have forgotten, I have to pay that bull shit. And the lesser payment I had previously made was like thrown in the trash. If I don't make this payment this week, they are marking my dad's credit. UGH! I hate them, and just for that I want to move out. I'm HOPING that the assistant manager was this dude we had partied with last semester...and I can drop the stupid fine for at least 25 bucks. I need to sell my plasma...thats it. haha