Fall '07...what a semester. It put all of those bad things in motion. Well, I can't say that they were all bad. I don't know if I would sacrifice the good parts to erase all the bad ones. I was so happy with him that fall. Only person who has really completed me. He's still my friend, and to be honest I can't figure out why. I know he hasn't forgiven me. Maybe its because I was good for him too, and I let him down. I made him change his mind about a lot of things...but after I admited my..."fuck up" he probably went right back to that mind set. His pain hurt me more...than anything. I loved him so much, and that's why I had to take IT out of the box I had taped and retaped to not allow it to escape.
I still can't get over this one time we spoke when we were both drunk...when he admitted that I had hurt him so bad...11 months, it took him 11 months to finally speak to me about it. It stung me. I wanted to cry...I wanted to take his pain away. I miss him. I miss the perfect relationship.
I know that people fall in and out of love...especially when young. But Omg...that depression after nearly killed me. I was sure that I would commit suicide lol. I just wanted to waste away. I wanted to step in front of a train. I was like bella when edward left. he didnt leave though. he just wasnt my snuggle bunny anymore. He would talk to me but it wasn't the same. It hurt me more than it helped me, but I didn't want him to stop. I don't know if I love him...still but I don't know if I don't.
These days I can't really imagine myself with anyone. I don't think I want to be with anybody. With all that I have, I wish I could change it all. There wouldn't have been any others. I wouldn't be on probation in school. Idk if I would change it...I know that all those things have placed me here. I am finally happy being with myself. On the other hand, I wouldn't need this if I had him.
He's moving back to California in a couple of months or thinking of it. I think the only time he enjoyed Texas was when he was happy with me. Gosh it hurt when he told me...my chin quivered, but I had to make my tone light. I want him near...even when I know nothing will happen.
I can't stop thinking about it...revolving over and over. Its driving me insane. There's no point to it, too! I need to stop. Stop torturing myself. I'm glad that the situation hasn't drowned me at least.
Ugh...I guess that's why I have been thinking of another too...what bullshit.
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