Just Can't Find the Words

i haven't had that conversation with Juan. I'm scared. I always get the feeling of nervous-ness right before I call him. Ugh, I know that once I hear his voice all my worries fade away. Argh, but that feeling makes it hard to speak. haha. I lose myself in what I'm trying to say. I get this weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. That I-wanna-pee or I-wanna-throw-up feeling...eek. I shake, tremble. I practice over and over what I should say. haha. Indecision...frustration. ahhh! His birthday is around the corner. aahh.



OMG the love for him is just overflowing out of me. I was remembering some other memories...and now I'm crying again...lol. I feel pathetic. This one time when I did something for his phone...before we were even together.

thank u sweet heart
old man (I used to tease him because he always called me "dear" when we were friends)
fine. thanks BIRD (to him Chic=Bird...dork)
ugh, not even better
beautiful?
ok, thats better
i didnt say u were...i asked if that would be better thats all
Thats mean, I'm hurt
poor bird
I hate you
u LOOOOOOOOVE ME
NO
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE me
nooo
why not
cause youre mean to me, and youre gonna move away (he had always planned to go back to cali)
i dont want to anymore
Mentiroso. te odio!
I cant leave MS POCKET
whatever
unless u want me to...

I haven't been this upset in a while...LONG while. Probably since we broke up. I mean I've been upset after we broke up, but not like this. Shit! Its going to start all over again...Ugh, I shouldn't have started reading over those. I laughed, and cried...and now I'm just crying. I don't even have kleenex. Mas Triste.

The only reason he was going to stay was because of me...then the reason was because he was going to that automotive school...now after he graduates? what will be the reason for him to stay now? He has no reason to stay.

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I don't want to go to work tomorrow...or school. I just wanna lay in bed. I've lost a lot of motivation lately because of the stupid grades. I've actually been reading though, and the Study Droid application made it easy to study on the go. Blah. I hate school. I hate my job. Well, no not really. I've just been feeling extra lazy. I don't want my mind stimulated by anything.



Mario just got wasted for the first time since October. Its funny...and I'm glad sorta lol.

Random Note : I LOVE David Cook's haircut :)