True to Myself

I am utterly confused. I don't know how to move forward with this. How come I didn't realize this sooner? Why did I let other people come between me...and him? Why didn't I patch it up like...a sane person would have? How come I didn't tell him that I missed him too? How could I have possibly let my pride come in between me and my love? How did I get into a relationship that I never planned on starting? Why am I asking so many questions that I don't even know how to answer? What good do these questions do other than add fucking fuel to the fire?

Worst Mistake of My Life.

If my dumbass wouldn't have become such a zombie Dec 07, I wouldn't be asking these questions. As soon as it happened, I just gave up. Giving up is so much easier than not. I gave up mainly because I thought I didn't have a chance...when I actually did...ha. This information does me no good now.

I need to say it...
I need to stop hiding it...
I miss Him.
I want him.
I love him.

Oh shit...I said the L-word. I have decided that I do hate that word...in the romantic sense. Not that I say it in any other way anyway. I don't particularly like letting that word escape from in between my lips. The word "love" is thrown around so lightly, it looses its shimmer. I've said it to many dudes...probably didn't mean it 99% of the time. The 1% that I did say and mean it to has lost my love. They were in-the-moment loves. Those have dissapated. poof! goodbye! He, on the other hand is the 0.000078917292% that I did mean it for.

I spoke to Vanessa about it first. She was having some boy difficulties. Aww my poor twin :(. So, after she was done with her rant...I went on mine. For once I had something to talk about in like a month. I was finally honest with myself. I was exhausted...trying to bury it so far down. I didn't want those feelings to find the light of day. It upset me, annoyed me. I had finally reached the awweeee point. I was chill...a free spirit of sorts. *Cindy prancing around in a hill with wildflowers...sun shining* hahaha. Nothing had bothered me in over a month! I had been sober from the dramatics that I seem to create sometimes. ugh.

Gosh...went on a side rant haha. I was talking to her, and the more I spoke to her the more it became clear to me. While I was taking my trip down memory lane with actual words, a light bulb came on! Epiphany time! hahaha Its going to sound really cheesy but I think he was my soul mate. I said I loved him FIRST (he followed right after). He's the only one I've said "I love you" to before the other. Well...it went like this...
Would you marry me today if I asked you to?
Ummm...
Without a ring?
Silence
You wouldn't!
I would...
Silence - he got all serious (lol I know he would have said, "thats what she said")
Babe...?
Yeah...
Do you love me?
*pause* I think I do...
*pause* I think I do too...
I love you
I love you too
We both laughed...we were always laughing. Haha I have a big smile on my face just thinking about it. I remember it like if it were yesterday. And now I'm teary...because I'm retarded. The tears are from happiness and sadness, if thats even possible. Anyway, Twin is usually right about things...She was absolutely correct about the Adam ordeal.

What am I supposed to do? Call him and say, "Hey...so I don't think you should move because I just remembered that I am head over heals for you." WTF?!? Who says that?

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Dif Topic :
JB finally got the balls to tell me straight out that he has feelings for me. hahaha That he likes ME. Oh my goodness. I knew it already. I was just waiting for him to SAY it. I've been trying to discourage it...like ohhh how is an atheist going to look with a hardcore christian?? I even said, "I'm too much of a hassle, you've got a lot of things going on, and thats why we wouldn't work out" lol I think he took it as a joke. grrr. I was being really serious. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

The whole Esteban thing needs to stop for real. First it was tempting. Then it was like no...this aint right. now, Its ANNOYING. I'm not going to be some kind of hoe! hoe! side-line-hoe! lol thats a funny song.