When i went to the Hello Kitty Unveiling, I wasnt planning to buy the medium makeup bag but i was suckered in by Amanda. haha. Thinking about it now, I am glad that I bought it. I take it with my everywhere.
Last night, Amanda came over, and we got plastered without even meaning to. I was forreeaall wasted, and I was about to get emotional about Juan. I mean nobody really knows about this inner pain of mine...it lies silent within me. Only 3 people know. I never spoke to Amanda about it because sometimes she can be judgemental, and think its stupid of me. Ever since the whole gay and vegan conversation...idk...whatever. I told her some things...and apparently I didn't mind that Patrick was here.
I started off the day very well...I wasn't even upset that I had to pay those damn 60 dollars. The Manager...wasn't the guy that I had hung out with, what a shame. I saw that bitch Celena...puta. lol I don't say that word, "puta." lol haha After the golf-cart parade and dinner, Shani and I watched La Mujer de mi Hermano. There was a lot of spanish cussing.
I went to work, two staff down. We had a sub. I hate subs sometimes, but to my surprise it was Jenean, a girl I really liked in summer camp. She was always easy going. It made me wish she would be Karina's replacement. I always got along with her. She's a good councelor too. One of my kids was having a serious tummy ache. She was crying and I felt helpless because we can't really touch them...side hugs would not be enough. Well, I always break that rule with Bella and Peyton. I loveeee those girls. I would want girls just like that.
We went to the Golfcart parade :) The fireworks were lovely. I don't really like fireworks, but whatever...I guess I was just soo in the Roadrunner Spirit lol. After, Shani, Manda and I went to TGIFridays. The situation turned sour all over breadsticks. It was a shame...and awkward.
--------
Esteban and I talked a few days ago, and he mentioned Juan. I froze. I wondered why the heck he would mention Juan...I thought that maybe he had read my blogs, and I was instantly embarrased. haha. I asked him, "Why did you say I still liked Juan? Why would you say that?!? I haven't even mentioned his name in months" haha...he noticed that I had freaked out and said, "Whoa. I was just messing with you"
"Why did you even mention HIM? Why not Adam or Steven or whatever"
"You've just never said anything bad about Juan...take it easy."
Gosh...I just freaked out...he hadn't meant anything by it. He HAD said it just to mess with me. ugh.
-------
IDK...why I was thinking of Adam today. I don't think about him AT ALL. its like he never even existed, like we never met. I realized it. I thought about that fact. A flood of guilt overwhelmed me. I don't even think I should feel guilty. i have nothing to feel guilty about. I guess, deep down inside of me I think we should still be friends. It does bother me that we are not, but then again...I guess I don't think of him very much cause I've grown to dissaprove of him. I have dissasociated him for the love I felt for him. Honest friendship...filled with so much love - trashed. Ugh, then again I still want to be his friend. I don't even understand it haha. I mean he doesn't HAVE to be in my life, but it would be nice if he was. then again our friendship has been tarnished. Fuck it. Our friendship is over. I can't fix it all by myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment