He didn’t care…he didn’t give a fuck. When I lied to him about my "panic attack" he said and? I gave you one and how many heart attacks did you give me? (he has a bad heart) And you acted as if you didn’t give a fuck. So then I started breathing hard…and talking low. I'm a great actress but he still didn’t give a damn. He said…this isn't a call to get back together if that’s what you think. That hurt…because he always calls back and apologizes. But he only wanted to talk to me because I had hung up on him last night and he wasn’t done insulting me.
I want to cry but that would be stupid. I want to yell. I want to hit him across the face, leave a mark and make it sting. He probably won't hit me back but he would hit me harder with his hurtful words. I guess the things he said last night, some were right. And he was right that sometimes you don't have to a lie to a person to hurt them, you don't have to make things up to hurt.
Why does he say that he loves me when he hurts me so much. Is his hate a way to cover up his feelings for me? I want to throw up. I feel sick. I think I've been taking too many sleeping pills that don't fuckin' work! It hurts…this hurts so bad, but it will never ever come close to the feeling I had when I knew that I had lost Esteban…the year anniversary of that is coming up July 3rd. I'm mad with myself because I'm so infatuated with him that its actually making me feel as if I were in love with him but I know that I'm NOT! Or is it that I'm trying to hide it because I hate him. I hate him with all that I have. I want somebody to find him in a ditch somewhere. I don’t know. I want him to feel pain!!!
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