After it all 6/7

Aaron,
So I guess that you did hate me. I should have believed you when you first told me. It would not have hit me so bad. I wanted to think that maybe, just maybe you weren't the ass that I knew you were. I guess I was wrong to think that you had actually changed. See this time it was way worse than the other times. Heh…I suppose I brought that on myself huh? It was so good. I was really happy. Then just…a few days later you…you turned into the monster that I once knew. The one that I knew last year. The one that showed me so much hatred. You've scared me. And you call me the next day, and you enjoy it. Telling me all the things that are bad about me. You don’t give a fuck or if you do youre doing a fucking great job in hiding your emotions. This past experience made me think…like…actually want to erase you from my memories. I want to believe that I NEVER EVER met you. I always knew that I hated you…I hated the fact that I guess I am in Love with you. I hate you!!! I hate you because I love you! You're an asshole!!!

This "love" is sick. It makes me sick. You're sick. You have mental problems that need to be fixed. I'm just depressed; that’s my problem. And at this moment you are the biggest reason why I am depressed. But you don't give a fuck do you? Ha! Its funny how I thought that you did care about me. You're so full of shit, you're full of yourself. I can't believe I've fallen in love with a worthless prick.

I screwed up once again. I choose you. Hummm I havent said that in a while. I didn’t think…I don't know I haven't talked to anyone else in two months, except for JR. But JR I don't know why I cant him for more than a friend. Its not there…the passion I feel for you. That’s the only reason I've stuck by you for almost a year. We're almost there. Fuck that’s sad. Its almost a year since I lost Esteban. July…3rd. One of the saddest days of my life. So was July 5th with JC. But I think that only happens every 3 years. I have such bad luck.

I was supposed to be with you to get over Esteban, not to get any more pain. But all the shit you've given me…it doesn't even come CLOSE to the pain that I carry from loosing Esteban.

And you know what hurts the most about all of this? Its that I still want to be with you. I feel like one of those chics that get beat by their boyfriends/husbands but they still stay with them. I thought that I would NEVER be that stupid but I guess I am. I feel retarded. I feel cripple. I don’t know what to do. I want to cry and cry and I want to hold it all in…and maybe I'm not going to be able anymore.