Guilty 6/14

Esteban,

I feel guilty cause I haven't thought about you much. I have been too busy to even talk about you. I've thought a lot about Aaron though, and now that I think about it, its hurting me. It hurts that you're disappearing. Or is it just these couple of days because I just don't have time to feel bad about your departure. I want you to stay in my heart because what we had was so special. And the other side of me says get the fuck away I don’t need your memory to fuck up my mood all the damn time because I can't have you and I feel like I'm going to die without you. I love you so much and I never want to let you go. And I wish you loved me back like I do and like I will always love you and I wish with all my heart that you actually knew what I feel for you. I don't want to be some kind of friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes I know that fuckin sounds crazy. I was never this sure of somebody in my life. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. I had you and just like that you were gone and I was left to rot. You were my strength, my other half and the part that I needed in order to live happily.

Or maybe I just want you to feel the pain I am feeling for you…I want you to feel this pain because of me. I want you to miss me and to never forget about me. I want you to be in the back of your mind all the time when you are talking to some other girl like I do when I'm talking to another guy. I want you to say, "God you're nothing like Cindy, I wish Cindy was with me. I wish she was around to tell me crazy things. I want Cindy to tell me that I'm adorable." I dunno something!!! Hopefully you don't tell the other girls you're talking to, "Oh it was this stupid retarded girl that I used to talk to." LOL like when I was talking to you back in May and you were talking about the stupid retarded girl that wouldn't leave you alone. I don’t want to be that girl and maybe that’s why I never pushed it.

Maybe I'm just obsessed with you and that's another reason why I never pushed it after it all. I just sat back and cried you called me and you showed no love towards me. I stayed there being a friend to you. I didn’t want to push it, I didn’t want you to think that I was some kind of freak. I wish you loved me…oh fuck this its impossible.