Goodbye?

When we broke up the last time, I thought that was the last time I will ever get to hear your voice, the last time for everything. Everything was thrown away and I was left with a aching heart. And I would try my BEST not to think of you because I would end up crying, or taking a shit load of sleeping pills so that I wouldn’t be awake to feel the pain. I lost hope, I was facing the Aaron I knew last year and I wasn't going to win. Then when you called me again…and I was so happy. You don't know how much of a relief it felt. I had a big smile the whole day until you started again. I've only picked a fight with you ONCE and maybe that was pointless, but so are most of yours. A Three-some? A fucking Three-some? If I didn't love you I would because I wouldn’t care what you thought of me and I wouldn’t care for you. If I'm in love with somebody, I would feel that as a violation to the sanctity of the relationship. But maybe you don't put love as a high enough value. You throw the word love around like if it were nothing. You've told me SO many times that you love me and I don’t have much to show for it. And maybe we just don’t love each other enough.

You say that will always be with you no matter what, that I'll always be in you because you love me, but you are putting so much effort into driving me away. And you don't think that doesn't fucking hurt me? You say that you camouflage love, and I say you show your true colors. I've hated you because I NEVER wanted to love you , and my instinct was correct. I should have NEVER fallen in love with you because of you I cry every fucking day. Because of you I started drinking, because of you I lock myself in my room, because of you I feel worse than ever, because of you I take a shit load of sleeping pills, because of you I don't want to be around anymore. Yes, yes I do hate you, but the hate you feel for me surpasses my hate in large amounts. Its too much for me to handle. You have made me so weak, and you killed the spirit inside of me. I feel as if you've gutted me and left me to bleed to death.

I was so fucking stupid to fall for you. I'm even more stupid to still love you. And I know that if you came back I would take you because I love you and I would forget everything bad that happened. As much as I would love for you to come back, and as much as I would cry and cry because you're not with me, I don't want you to come back to me because I know you don't love me enough. And everything will be the same again. The same cycle will repeat itself again and again. And you blame it on me…maybe it is my fault. Yeah, it is I suppose.

I will be praying for you when you leave. I hope that NOTHING bad happens to you. I want you to return to your family safe and sound. And if something bad does happen to you, I would like to be the first to know like you said.
remember that I will always love you even if we're not together.

I hope you had fun playing with this toy of yours.