Relationship Damn it!

3 hours

Bl-ugh

I'm upset. I am in Houston and Matthew hasn't called me in two days. He did the same shit when I had just came back from VA. I'm soooo mad...so upset, so disappointed. And yeah, I'm a sensitive gal...thats just how I am, but this is different. I'm not like blowing up his phone...I'm not texting and calling him every 5 minutes. I'm not.

I'm no longer that girl...that hates when her bf goes out a couple of nights a week with his friends. I could honestly care less, as long as he calls me, texts me...ever so often through out the day. one text and one call would honestly be enough for me. idk. a text takes 5 seconds to write.

When he hadn't spoken to me when I had just gotten back from VA, it was because he was out in the gulf for his job. He told me he was there when he was already there. It upset me because I didn't feel important enough to him to be informed of it before hand. Why didnt he tell me before he left?

I hate to always be a negative person and think negative thoughts...So I thought, "Maybe something happened with his dad because he did have to be in the hospital for a couple of days because of his chemo" idk...it still comes back to me that I am not important enough to be informed of anything. Wouldn't you tell your gf that your dad is REALLY sick? Wouldn't you want her there for support?

This whole situation has really upset me the past two days...idk. I feel stupid. Since we have 2 separate sleep schedules, I usually email him at night with what I did...I was feeling REALLY sick like a couple of days ago...puking and headaches galore...No call asking if I was ok. nothing. Can you imagine how fucking crappy I felt? yeah. I mean I know that we're not together...we're not, but idk sometimes I feel like we are somehow.

I just feel like emailing him, "I care about you so much, but Maybe this isn't the right time in your life for me to be in it. You have other things going on and I just don't fit in the equation at the moment. So, get back to me when you do have the time"

He hasn't made me feel good in a while. I honestly want to throw in the towel, and wipe my hands clean of him. or maybe I could keep him...but lower his importance level. Maybe I should invest time in Joseph.

New Moon

Trip to VA

Airplane non-sense and what not.

Life sucks

short end of the stick

So, this week I have been in Virginia. I would have never imagined that a week away from Texas would make a difference in how me and Matthew are. I know that I rather hear the truth than not...I do not like to be in the dark about certain matters. The time one invests in a relationship is time that one cannot get back. He was out basically everyday this week...which kinda sucked. Just because I am not in Texas...doesnt mean I don't exist, you know?

And I noticed that when I text him he doesnt really text back in a timely manner, like he used to...if he even does. I've called him and he doesn't answer. and he didn't call me two days in a row.

Why lie? It felt awful. So, today I texted him :

Ugh you're too busy for me now-a-days

That's what happens when you have a job and a life ;p

oh...

:D

Since I'm rarely part of your life, I get the short end of the stick...ha

lol Well you are pretty far.

Let me know what I need to start backing away

Lol you don't have to. Just letting you know why I can't be there 24/7

Did he think the "lol"s or the stupid happy faces were going to damper the situation? Not really. Am I some random person to him that really doesn't matter? I wish I knew exactly what he thinks of me...and on a scale from 1-10 how important I am. I know that I have invested a LOT of my emotions into this "thing" that we have. I don't want it to be a complete waste. It sucks to feel like you like somebody more than they like you.

This relationship has probably been the most honest relationship that I've had in my life. I'm proud of it. I haven't bullshitted or said something that wasn't true. I didnt lie to him about how I felt like how I did with Steven. Ha. but then again Steven felt wayyyy stronger than Matthew ever will. It also sucks that Matthew really isn't touchy-feely. Of course, I do not want a guy that is ALWAYS sharing his emotions, but I do want some kind. And there are days where I feel like he reaaaallllyyyy likes me, but there are days where he just seems indifferent about me.

I was telling Jon about it today, and he kept saying, "You're a great girl and you are probably a great GF. You should be with somebody that appreciates you." I know he was saying it because he still likes me, but I started to think...that maybe he is right. I'm not saying that Matthew is a horrible "non-bf" but I like to feel...LIKED or feel important at least.

On another note...a month ago...I went to Juan's profile and clicked the send message link. It took me to the compose page, and I stared at it for a while. I wanted to write something, but didn't. I just clicked the "save as draft" link and decided that i will eventually get to it. or should I say - grow some balls to send it. lol...well I opened it yesterday and actually wrote a message, but AGAIN I saved it as a draft.

I know I KNOW! I'm so lame. I don't seem to muster up the courage to click send.

Anyway...tomorrow I go back to Texas, and I don't know if I will spend Wednesday and Thursday with Matthew like I had planned to.

Halloween vid

Excitement

OMG!

Oh jeez

So...the more and more Matthew and I...are uh...whatever we are the more and more I have feelings for him. Yeah, they're mighty scary. I must admit. I am falling for him.

EWWWW

What the Hell Cindy!?!?

Since we have dif sleeping schedules I send him a little night story. its the cutest thing. We were on webcam the other day and he said he wanted a picture...but I was like blah I mean he could see me whats the point. So I said I would do it later...We talked and then he went to sleep. I, of course did not, and just tried to figure out this whole picture thing. So instead of just one...I sent him like a little narration of what I did at night along with pictures. He really liked it, "Its like a story" lol I've been doing it all week. With the exception of yesterday morning cause I was busy cleaning.

I think he owns the most amount of pictures of me than anyone else. Well...other than my mom of course. And all the Facebook albums lol What I find weird is that I am usually very...like picky about the photos that I let anyone see, but with him...idk. I feel comfortable enough to let him see me without makeup. I mean I wouldn't usually mind but my face is a mine field ATM. Which is pretty much gross.

I spoke to Esteban yesterday before movie night with Shani and Jessica, and he was like, "You're the loser who said that you were NEVER going to date another white guy again, and look at you! You are with ANOTHER white guy!" I had completely forgotten that I had said that. I said it repeatedly too, it wasn't just a one time thing. idk. The whole Steven thing def left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I mean, it had NOTHING to do with race. He was just NOT, def NOT the one for me. I had to force my emotion for him because I needed to get over Juan.

See...with Matthew they were just born...NATURALLY. I spent a whole year without a person I gave two shits about...and in comes Matthew. Unexpectedly. Like a gift from science...lol LITERALLY because he was a reverse vasectomy baby.

I ADDOOOORREEEE HIM...really. lol

And his lame laugh.

and his nerdy glasses

and his awesome colored eyes...yummy

and his...his...everything LMAO

I always said that I would have traded Steven in for Juan...but I'm not so sure I would trade in Matthew for Juan.

Family

Erlyns and Dustin's Party 10/24

Luck

Halloween

IDK...I honestly and seriously feel like crap. I wanna scream at somebody just because. I don't even know what to say anymore. Like really? What was the fucking point of Matthew coming back into my life when he can't deliver? I am soooo mad!

Gma Visit

Lady Gaga

My eyes Burnnn

SO I am here blogging at 4 am when I should either

a. be doing my damn homework or

b. sleeping.

my eyes burn so B should be the logical...blah blah...

Maybe its because of all the Lady Gaga-ness that I put on my face. It was awesome though so I dont care lol. Anyway the real reason I am blogging is because I got Matthew back!!! OMG I am weirdly, and gayly very happy. I am confused and glad...and ahhhh!!! I can't contain my happiness. Ok ok...so here goes the story...

I was talking to Mario on the phone and I'm usually 99% of the time invisible on Yahoo IM. I don't like the stalker-azzi on my back. Anyway, he messages me telling me to check my email. First off I was thinking, "wtf, are you serious, youre messaging me after a month and a half, how dare you?" I say nothing is there and he says to check again. So, I do and the message basically says that his dad - who has cancer, was like in the hospital this whole time and that he nearly died...blah blah he was apologizing. So, of course anyone would put their parent in front of whatever, whoever. I mean we werent in a relationship.

We keep on messaging each other and Its like he never took an absence. What really got me was...

I missed you Cindy

ok

ok

I missed you as well...ugh

It was hard for me too

What was hard for you?

Saying it

lol

lol

you know me so well...

i do.

He's probably the ONLY guy I've been excited about in like this whole year. idk...maybe I need to go back through my blogs but I am pretty sure that he's been the only one thats been able to light my fire. lol. I like him a lot I mean...I was upset when I stopped hearing from him. I freaked out, and to be honest I cried for like 5 minutes. I think that was the last time I have cried but point is that I did. I felt like a failure at life and that I couldnt keep anyone. I was confused as to why he was soooo frustrated with me....or whatever I dont fucking know.

the point is that he's back...and back to his normal self. And he likes MEEEE. Me for me...not because I've been acting like somebody else, or whatever I've just been me. Me, Cindy Saint Mary. and i lovveeee it! AHHHH!!!!

Dallas

Here? lol whoops

300 Sighs

Its October!!!

Aggravation

Not a Child

Quotations

In a Different Way

Man I look mighty rough without makeup on...hahaha

that's life.

Mario's 23rd

Ugly Endings

Controversial

ATX

First Loves

Like Like Like Like...

I say like "Like" so many like times, and its like so like odd when like I hear myself talk. Like wtf?!? lol

Queen of Hearts

Totally outside of the box for me - as far as makeup application goes.

my glue stick had dried out...so you can still see my eyebrows, but what-ev

Karma's a...

No, No, No, NOOOO!!!

I may be overreacting, but I don't think I am. :,(

To say the least, I am having an inner "episode"

IDK why I let it get this far anyway.

WTF was I thinking?!?!

Really?

So, for the past hour I have been obsessing over Juan, once again. How sad.

@mman0919 and I have been trying not to look at his pictures cause he's too hawt for words. We have to wipe the drool from our chins. yes, I STILL can't believe I fucked up that one.

I was planning his kidnapping with Nici. lol. Ohhh funny hypothetical stories are the best.

and also slightly pathetic.

AHHHHH!!!! he's in my blood.

and I need some leeches.

ugh...Thanks Shani - I am remembering CSI.

No Science

Relationships are COMPLICATED

I was speaking to Esteban last night, and since he's been "single" for about a month now. Of course we had to talk about the same old thing - RELATIONSHIPS.

We were talking about how younger ladies were dating older men. How older men weren't very date-able because some are looking to settle down. and he was like,

"I love being single. I don't have to call somebody everyday, or worry about what they are doing. I don't have to give anybody a play by play...blah blah blah...but if I stay single now, am I going to be one of those old desperate guys wanting to settle down with a younger girl?"

I started thinking about it, and its SOOOO true. Like I had been so used to being single (and I still am :D ) that I forgot all about that shit. Worrying about calls and all the BS - am I keeping this dude interested? Its stressful...or maybe its just stressful right now because I haven't really taken it upon myself to take a new guy on in forever.

These past couple of days...I've thought to myself, "WTF have you gotten yourself into woman?!?!? GET OUT!!!! NOOOOWWW!!!!" Dating is complicated. I don't feel like making the effort.

Not November

Nail Tutorial <<<<

So Mine didnt come out EXACTLY like how the very creative girl did it, but what-ev lol

I was talking to somebody today and I was like whoa...that bitch ain't over it? and the other one turned out to be more than a backstabbing bitch? hahaha Its so easy to spread the thoughts of others as long as yours aren't expressed.

Anyway...lazy saturdays in my robe are always relaxing :)

Nothingness

Blast Bitch

Two Weeks Worth

Jeeeeesus

Right now My vid is converting from the mp4 or whatever to .avi

So since I'm waiting around doing nothing, I decided to look back at one of my vids back in May. And you can def tell the difference in my weigh loss which is awesome.

My mom and I had taken photos of ourselves the first day we started the diet . Last week I took pictures of us again, and I didnt really notice the difference between the two pictures, and my mom goes, "YEAHHH! I can tell the difference. You don't have your TRIPLE chin anymore." At the time I felt really offended by the comment because again, i couldn't tell the difference. haha Now, I can see what she was talking about. So, I have downgraded from triple to double. yay! Hopefully a month or two from now I can say - yay I downgraded from a double to a single :)

TITTLE-LESS!!

About effin time

and I forgot to add a title...nice...

no not so much

Accompanada

I decided to type out a blog today since I'm too lazy to edit convert upload and wait for processing, and I also look like a hot curly mess. I can see the light outside and I strangely cannot settle into my bed. I know that if I close my eyes and get underneath my covers I WILL fall asleep, but my mind seems to be going a million miles a minute.

I sign into my myspace like once a day since nothing interesting ever happens on there and I don't internet stalk anybody *cough* like Shani *cough* hahaha But seriously I signed in and my cousin's status comes up as "didn't know it was so hard to get preggo" but of course she wrote it in "ghetto" and I can't possibly recreate that. Whoa! Shes like a week younger than me and she's already wanting to start a family. Really? DO you have no other goals in life? I mean yes children are wonderful, but at the right time. I guess...thats it for her. She's at her last step - children. She's never going to college and all she does is work a manual labor job. Idk I get really disappointed with people sometimes. I guess everybody's trying to catch up to her sister Blanca who's expecting a baby boy. Their other sister just got "accompanada" which basically means she moved in with her bf - which in hispanic talk means common law marriage, basically.

I really like Matthew. haha even if he's a nerd and he rides around in his geek mobile. But then again thats what I said about Alejandro, and then I lost interest. SEEEEEE thats what I'm talking about - I like somebody and then I just lose all types of interest. Quickly!!!! I wish I cared. hahaha. I like that he stands on his own two feet, has his own place, own car and doesnt suck on his parents' teet for support. I think thats a good quality in a man. To be self sufficient you have to be mature and grounded.

I had a dream about him yesterday. Another individual was in my dream, and he was going through my things and found a picture of Matt. He said, "Why didnt you tell me he was white?" blah blah blah I know that its not a big deal that Matthew is white...it ISNT, but deep down inside it is. I think - whites as individuals can be ok...lol. but idk as a whole, I still have a big distrust towards them.

Cindy, can you sound any more racist?

why yes, yes I can.

hahaha

Busy Bee

I had to shorten this vid like a gazillion times before I could upload it because it was over 100mb...lame

Last night (saturday), I went out with Chicken Gabe and Mario. Then I saw Adrian and Joseph...Ugh and then I saw that other Adrian that I never liked haha, but what-evs. I would have edited that vid today but my cam died while uploading hahaha

The Day

As in the actual day and not the night lol

No Direction

This is my 100th post
but its a lame vlog
whatever...lol

Big Surprise

Another Weeds night with @bunnynbam and mman0919 at @bunnynbam's house :)

and I need a new intro...
I think I'm going to change it every time
with like...some mundane task lol
like this one - brushing my teeth
which ties into what I'm talking about

Clips!

Weeds Disk 1

Aww had a fun time with the besties - @bunnynbam and @mman0919

I'm ubbbbbber sleepy
and I can't believe I ate...all that

Ok...Granted when I was in San Antonio, that was just a typical day. I would eat that PLUS MORE. But jesus! I don't eat like that anymore...so I feel like everything is about to come up. I feel disgusting. and we ate like 5-6 hours ago...ugh

Video will be up later today, but for now I need my sleep. its like 3 hours past my bedtime
Next wednesday will be at Shani's house. Its going to be our once in a blue moon visit. Since she lives all the way across town from me.

Follow your Fucking Bliss

I feel special

haha I was really wondering how this one foundation was. I mean I know its a drugstore brand and that sometimes I just buy MAC stuff...just cause its MAC. I was hesitant to buy it so I asked the lovely LisaSZ09 to do a review on it, and she did!

Too Little Too Early

I love Nicola...he makes such funny vids :)
and when I heard this, I was both surprised and impressed

My Soul

Last night, I fell right to sleep after i got home from the baby shower. My mind shows me no mercy. That even in my dreams - there he is. I had a dream with Juan...it felt real. It felt real because everything in my dream was accurate. Usually when I dream something is off. Like instead of going from the front door of my house to the the living room, I would go from the front door to a stadium. Or there is something in there that is off...like purple skies or a cow in the living room. lol Something random like that. This dream actually made some sense.

We had reunited because we lived in the same apt complex...They were really nice btw. it was really sunny...it felt beachy. I had just moved in and he lived in the building across from mine. I saw him when he was taking out the trash. He was wearing a white v-neck tee and some board shorts/swim trunks whatever they're called. If only that would happen in real life.

i saw him, and I was like OMG!!! I couldn't believe my eyes. According to the dream we got to know each other again, as friends. We came back to Texas together, and we were in my parent's house. He was here on this bed...holding me. I was talking to him about moving forward again. He hadn't made up his mind about forgiving me yet...

He got up and walked over to the kitchen, and I was thinking to myself "Shit, my parents are gonna know that he's in my room!" So I stood, peaking by the wall that separates the hallway and the living room. My mom and my brother were there, and Juan says something funny, and they both laugh. He was walking back to my room...when

The smoke alarm went off, and I woke up.

I've been in a terrible emo mood ever since I woke up.

I've been teary-eyed...and all sorts of gay.

I've been not-so-nice with Alejandro. As if I'm punishing him for not being as amazing as Juan.

I'm so sick of this fucking shit.

He took my heart, and I think he took my soul.

Oh The Law/Messy Mess

I made like one really long video...haha it was like 24 min long. So, I had to split it into two. Besides, they had dif topics to them :)

and UGHHHH!!! still need to fix the header lol that will be 3rd on my list

Four Wall Prison

Cancer x2

Rot bitch ROT!

Humm...

So everybody's off doing amazing things and Im just here, rotting away at my parent's house in Houston. I want to leave...go somewhere. Enjoy somebody else's company. I hate my life to be honest. I know that its not the worst life but its still a horrible one. lol. I wish I could be back in SA to hang out with Alejandro...or whatever. i just want some fucking excitement.

I should really go edit...I've been an extreme lazy bum lately

I need to quit breathing...

Fuckin' English Bulldog

Every time I feel something new for Alejandro, I feel more and more guilty. I keep on thinking about Juan. How much I miss him. I replay memories in my head over and over. I know I shouldn't. Its not even healthy, but I can't help it. Those memories keep on dragging me back to the past. In so many ways, I wish that they would just dissipate. Poof be gone. That way...I would be feeling ok. I wouldn't go forward with any regrets.

haha...but then I look back at them again, and I know that I would never ever trade my memories of Juan...EVER, for anything. They are my most precious.

I feel pathetic because when I think of our past, I fantasize about reuniting with him again. Making all of our previous plans a reality...setting up at a beach house with a couple of little ones and a fucking english bulldog. playing in the fucking sand. Having fun in the fucking sun for christ sake.

The few days before the weekend, all I thought about was UFC 100. That if we were together we would have gone together...gone to Vegas and stayed at the fuckin MGM. I had the stupid statue in my head...the lights...him in black button down shirt.

Jesus...I think my imagination has gotten out of hand. I'm imagining too much. Too many things that will NEVER come true.

Its fucking insane how much I love him when we weren't together for that long. How much he impacted my life. How sincere and clean my feelings were for him. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I am cursed with a love that I can't express.

i should sleep now.

must fix header ASAP!

follow your fucking bliss, bitches

Scary Dudes

geez...here I go again. lol I stopped liking the new guy as well. Maybe not...like stopped liking him naturally, but more like I had to stop liking him. I can't handle a guy like him. He's the player-type. and I don't play those games. I'm too old to be playing those games. Besides...I'm such a jealous girl...whoa. Like majorly jealous. Ugh he has this way of him that makes him hard to resist which irks me. Guys like that are scary.

I had a dream with Juan this morning. I like when I have dreams with him. Makes me feel that I actually still have him. I appreciate those dreams a lot. I wish I could dream about him every day.

July 4 & 5

Cancer

So I've been pretty lazy about my vlogs lately. I filmed two and I havent edited them. The one of my mom's graduation last friday is edited, but hasn't been posted or converted to .avi

So...my grandma from my dad's side has been diagnosed with colon cancer. That's what she has. She had a malignant tumor in her lower intestine I think...blah. nobody ever tells me anything. And I guess now I feel bad. She can't walk for about a month. I spoke to my cousin Elsa yesterday and she gave me the scoop. She was extremely concerned since she was partially raised by her. On the other hand I haven't really had that many encounters with her past the age of 13 and well i'm near 23 so that makes it 10 years. I guess thats why my dad didn't invite me to go with them. Not that I could have gone, or maybe I could have...whatever.

Yeah, idk. I don't think I will be that concerned really, but I guess she is a human being and I should feel bad that she is in pain.

----------------------

Not only do I feel slightly guilty about the whole grandma thing but...

I really like this one guy...and its not like Ray-like that faded away in a week...its like I REALLY do like him. and for some reason I feel guilty about it. I feel like I am cheating on Juan for some reason. I mean who effin' knows if he hasnt reunited with a girl over there in California. Yes, I still do fear that, as pathetic as it seems. Juan is gorgeous, and amazingly sweet and funny...why wouldn't some girl scoop him up? Juan is my snuggle bunny. Shit shit...I felt the tears coming up lol

Anyway, his name is Alejandro. He's 27...yes 27. He's Pentecostal...my grandma's religion. Ugh I hated when she was trying to force to convert me. In a way, that can be a problem since Pentecostal people live at church. I hate that. I really do.

I really hated that he read right through me. He said, "You are mean and tough around the edges, but I bet you are vulnerable" and that sparked a conversation...and I ended up telling him that I liked him, but that it was scary...to like him because I really hadn't felt much for anybody in a while. That was kinda hard to admit.

idk about him. I honestly want to stop liking him. lol I think he's a suspicious guy...that has secrets and such. I mean he's never kept anything from me. He's always answered any question that Ive had...but idk. I have a gut feeling.

Mega Bitch 2009

I sat here ready to write something. I had a plan in my mind as to what it was...now my mind is blank and my head is killing me. I feel like throwing up but I refuse to fall asleep until 8.

I feel like a freak of nature. That day that I went to the doctor, I had blood work done. The thing says

Blood counts are abnormal with increased transferrin - would recommend for her to see Dr. Iqbal - hematologist.

What the fuck else is wrong with me? On another note, my live enzymes at present are stable and decreased. which should be a good good news

-----------------------

I''m a very mean person; I can totally admit that. Today, I was extra nasty.

SOme guy nicely told me to check something out for him and I said no I don't feel like it...fuck off
I felt bad...but not really.

I am really anoyed by Ray - the guy that I thought I liked but then I realized that I didn't lol. He keeps on asking me what the fuck is wrong, why am I not talking to him blah blah and told him straight up...as I could what it was. Today, he was being annoying...or maybe he just annoys me because I don't like him. lol. He was like,
"This girl always says hi to me at work"
"Thats nice"
"Everybody always knows my name here at work"
"Oh so you think you're popular now?"
"And I don't know anybody's name!!"
and idk...lol I just wanted him to shut up
"Maybe youre just the dick in the office that everybody just makes fun of behind your back"
and I ranted on making no kind of sense really. He didn't say anything mean back to me...He wouldn't cause he's a pussy. And in fact, it did shut him up.

Then later...Jon messaged me. And he gave me this BS about losing my number...
"I lost your number somehow can I have it again?"
And I'm here thinking, yeah right you probably just deleted it after I blew you off and now that I'm coming back to San Antonio on Monday you want it to meet up with me for stupid dinner. I don't know what exactly I said, but I accused him of "losing" it and then he said no that he didnt that it just magically got deleted off of his phone. That my contact entry was in there but not my actual number.
"How many times have you misplaced my number"
"I did I'm not joking. My phone must be acting up"
"That's too bad maybe you can look it up on your phone records"
"My phone is weird it deletes all of the texts if I delete one"
I'm guessing he deleted our text thread or something.
"I was meaning your call records online"
"I don't do my cell phone online"
...
"ok then"
I mean yeah I could have easily just given him my number again. And see him for stupid diner. And I must have said it so that we would hang out...idk. Why the fuck did I mention that I was heading back to San Antonio this weekend. I really just wanna head back to pick up my goddamn fan so that I won't melt away in this fucking oven called my parent's house.
He was being a dick...like if I'm going to fucking spoon feed him everything. UGH!! Its like I have to give him fucking directions on how the fuck he should woooo me. Like if I'm supposed to know how to run a man's game. It just pisses me off.
"I was simply asking. You don't have to if you don't want to"
ARGGGHHH!!!! I hate when people do that. IDK if I have mentioned that before but its like a big pet peeve of mine...you dont have to ifyou dont want to. The fucking automatic guilt trip. Assholes.
"You sure do know how to make a girl feel special :)"
"Ok I'm going to leave you alone..."
Gollie I hate having a horrible memory...but point was that I hurt his feelings...like really hurt his feelings.
"Ohhhhh I hurt your feelings"
"No I'm fine"
...
"I'm guessing this conversation is officially over"
"Yeah...we have nothing else to say"
"Ok I'm going now"
"Bye"
"AHHAA! I did hurt your feelings!"
"No..."

I effing did cause he didn't respond to the text I sent him. He made me regret it. What a sissy. Or maybe I'm just a mega bitch. Probably both.

On another note...I think I wanna have sex with a really hot artist. and I wanna go to a waffle house. I think I need to stop watching Dead Like Me.

Mom's Graduation

Cindy Don't Cry

I really hate being on my period because the hurtful feelings that I have/experience are just magnified. I spoke to Esteban about it...like I always do. Ha...sometimes I feel bad that he's always my shoulder to "cry" on. but I dont really cry I just vent. Haha...I told him that I was on my period and that I was highly sensitive and he was like...you must be because I've never known you to be sensitive lol. Its so funny how I always have that "front" for all my friends. I think the only person I've cried in front of for Juan is Vanessa (and Steven, but he doesn't count anymore).

I told him how I cried once I saw a car that looked exactly like his...haha. I felt really retarded cause it was a stupid reason to cry. lol I cried as soon as I saw it...hahahaha I was bawling. lol. I had to slap myself out of it, literally.

And now I'm crying because I saw an ad to Tiffany's and I remember him saying, "Just don't pick a ring that costs more than ten grand" and I was thinking...shit 10 grand? thats a LOT for an engagement ring...

I'm trying my hardest...but its haunting. Nobody has ever made me shine as bright as he has...and now, my light has been shut out. Esteban said, "We just need to find you another MMA fighter who loves cars"

I wanna let him go, but i'm not that strong.

I can't make myself do that. I don't want to find a fucking replacement. I can't find another Juan. He was one of a fucking kind. I can always find guys with Steven traits or Aaron traits or Oscar traits or Adam or Carlos or whatever the fuck, but Juan was special. WIth him I let go of the fantasy. You know, the perfect soulmate fantasy of the guy that has a million dollars and is great with kids...the mentally manufactured flawless specimen lol that you can never find. He didn't meet some of my requirements, yet I KNEW he was the ONE. I came to that conclusion...which in turn made me human. lol I consider myself a vile and evil person - therefore not human. For once, I put somebody else's feelings in front of mine.

Esteban thinks that I need to find closure...that when I go to California, I need to look him up and talk it out. That he needs to yell at me and tell me exactly how he felt. I'm so bad at planned confrontations...I get nervous. lol. Esteban thinks that I'm still not myself...and that I won't be until that happens. I guess he's right...and he should know - he's known me for like 6 years. He could probably blackmail me if I ever held public office.

I've been crying throughout the course of this effin' period. I've become such a cliche...At least I don't have angry-monthlys.

Periods Blow

California Dreaming

Blah x 1000

Dreams Dreams

I was watching a show about X-topic and I was just blah.

My life is just shit and I have done nothing to fix it. I am too lazy and too hung up on the past to move past it. I want everything to fall on my lap like if it were my god give right to be somebody special. I have become so unmotivated so mundane so unlike myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am pissing my life away like if I really had that option. My life is not what I figured it would be. The smart girl who wanted to be somebody has left the building like 2 years ago, and she hasn't come back since.

I could have graduated this past semester. I was doing great before the time that I left my dreams. I has a 3.25 GPA and now what its it? haha I don't even want to divulge the ridiculous insignificant GPA that I now have. How embarrassing.

I wanted to be a writer once upon a time and write stupid stories of heartbreak or even a story about aliens and how it would be to meet them describing them so stereotypically with silver colored skin. My vocabulary hasnt expanded much from middle school, and to be honest, that was probably the peak of my writing "career." I couldn't even write a history research paper to save my life.

I went after this business career because I thought that it would rain 100 dollar bills over my head. I thought would be set for life, and I would pay back my parents for everything I ever spent and every little bullshit smart aleck answer I ever gave them. I imagined being married to my engineer, or doctor husband and we'd have 4 kids and a dog. What a fucking joke.

I don't even want to imagine what kind of life the future has in store for me because I know its no good.

Yes, I'm a pessimist, but I'm also a realist.

Follow your fucking bliss, assholes.

Silly little Crush

All the feelings that I've had for anybody after Juan, I have forced. So two years of ever naturally feeling something and its been almost a year of feeling something. Its just a crush, but I haven't had a crush in so long that all of this feels new to me. New and exciting!

He likes all the vid games I like. He listens to the music I listen to. He actually knows how to cook. Idk I'm too effin sleepy to write more...explain later

Twenty-Tres

Hair Disaster

Forgot to add something AGAIN

FML

how could i forget my intro text? wtf?

Cat-chup

Unfinished Novel lol

And it goes like this :

I stared blankly into the hole in the wall where the air vent was supposed to be, while warm tears rolled down my pink cheeks. I was not sobbing, just tears. The love of my life had just walked out on me. He did it so easily, that I wondered if he had this planned all along. I pondered if he had somebody else in mind even when he blatantly denied it numerous times. I did not understand it. The news was a complete surprise to me. Just last night, I was speaking to my mother about how Aaron and I were planning to adopt a child. My life had been intricately been staged and planned around him.

            “How could he possibly do this to me?” I thought.

            I no longer felt like screaming, and cursing the heavens for my excruciating pain. I was faced with solitude, which I had not encountered in two years. I could not grasp the concept of how he could make such a radical decision without a hint. Everything since August had been going better than I could have ever had imagined. My fairytale relationship was unfolding before my eyes. I thanked God every time I could, to remind him of how thankful I was. The point in my life could not be more perfect.

             “I’m calling to say goodbye. I love you and always will.” He said.

            “What the hell are you talking about, Aaron.” I responded.

            “I’m just calling you because I wanted to hear your voice even if it annoys me,”

            “Shut the fuck up, Aaron. Tell me what is going on!” I demanded.

            He didn’t say a word.

I wrote this after this one time that Aaron had broken up with me. i think it was probably when he got married to that girl...Ha. I was such a silly girl that had no idea what LOVE was, real love. Not this verbally abusive, bi-polar nut case that Aaron was. Oh...the horrifying experience of a first love. lol

So...I will probably Vlog today. I've had to upload them to youtube to put em up. Its such an annoying process and since I am not partner I cannot upload more that 10 minutes now thats really gay. 

STDs & Romance

Life sucks ass

In a weekend my whole life goes to shit...I'm jobless and stuck in houston for the summer. Juan left. That motherfucker left texas already. I wanna scream in fucking agony! My heart has been broken into a million fucking pieces and I can't do anything...

I wanna just fill the tub up with water and sink in...hold my breath and close my eyes...and maybe even drown for a minute...

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do without him? Without him here, close to me? I can't feel anything for anybody else! I can't! Its like I've been cursed. I've tried sooo hard to feel something for somebody else, and it doesn't happen.

Getting over him has been long overdue; it just doesn't happen. Everybody else...I don't even remember...the other day I couldn't remember fucking Oscars name. Wait...I don't remember the name of the guy I dated before Juan. Carlos? Idk. I remember his face.

I wanna be a zombie again...lifeless and depressed. I don't want anybody else to enter my life. Nobody can take his place in my heart...I refuse to settle again. I won't do that. That's why I stopped trying to feel anything for anyone else. I can't do it.

I keep comparing. Not one single person is like him. I could have always found a macho mexican to replace aaron, or a needy minute man for steven or an indecisive person like Esteban. Juan is a different story. He lit up my motherfucking life. He had this way...of his. I wish I could explain it, but no fantastical words could properly describe his awesomeness.

I have 5 dollars to my name...my next paycheck goes to bills. I'm officially poor.

Fml

Stick Shift Fail

VLOGGGGG1!!!

So, for some reason my vlogs aren't uploading STILL Im really pissed.

Ahhh! I had been doing so well...I've been 2 weeks Juan-meltdown free. lol Today it was like thing after thing. First I saw a snowcone place, in the white side of SA, really? lol Then I saw like 10 cars that were exactly the same as his...well not exactly cause his has all them things. Then Reppin' my block came on on the radio...blah I cringed. IDK...maybe I'm weird, but when I'm about to cry and I'm holding it in theres a noise...like a stampede. Ok now I sound crazy, but I hear a stampede noise. I stopped myself, and it was all good.

blogger wtf?

Im So mad...is blogger broken or something?
I cannot upload my vlogs to blogger. Its like I've been vlogging for no reason! It cannot be my internet connection because I uploaded the last of the fiesta vids a couple of hour and it uploaded in like 5 minutes. I tried uploading from my Macbook, I tried uploading from my Vaio...NOTHING! Whats this craziness? I didn't even much vlog yesterday cause I was so pissed off. what I vlogged today, I haven't edited. And I'm def NOT gonna upload all my vlogs to facebook that would be weirdddd.

Step Bitch

Apt Blues

Date with my toilet

I'm such a baby I even called my mom...
but my mom knows that if I call her @ 130 am cause I feel sick its because I REALLY am sick.
She even offered to come over to SA
Aint she a good mom?

tiresome

Eff my J-O-B

And I pass out again

Wine-Os

Sharks!

Ugh so I'm still working on a way to put both my vids from my camera and my macbook TOGETHER
I mean I know that I need a thing to convert, but where do I get that?!? and which one do use???

But I'm just saying

Goodies!

Week Highlights

!

Silently slipping

I talk a lot of shit about people whining about their relationships...haha but I whine a lot about not being with Juan. But just to my blog/vlog not to my friends, at least. Haha but I annoy myself a little.

I feel shitty...I am empty. Nobody "lights my fire" Haha like today I was with that hot ass dude Stephen, and I wasn't nervous like I usually am around dudes I'm attracted to. I was making eye contact. I wasn't interested. Not because he was "defective" but I just didn't care to...I don't want anyone else.

I'm usually into SOMEBODY or numerous bodies lol. Not now...

I am confused...I want to feel something for someone. I want to make somebody happy, and in return be happy

Whineeee

My Mac Came in!!!

This takes getting used to...

Parte Dos

Weird Angle

School Final

Knocked Down Twice In One Day

Ehhh I wasn't home all weekend so thats why I didn't edit the other blogs...will do by friday...I hope!

100 for 62

I've been slacking on the Saturday and Sunday Vids
theyre SOOO long and I had nearly finished Saturdays and the file was effin lost
what a bummer
I'll finish and load those on Sunday after I see Ryan

Nobody Cares

hahah so...I added the subtitles before I added the beginning so thats why its like 2 seconds early hahaha
what-ev

See you in my nightmares

Demons don't exist

From you to Me

Oooops
the 27th
well...it was the same "day" since I hadn't fallen asleep yet haha

Turkey Leg Fail

Friday, April 24

I really didn't like the drag queen show.. we were there for about an hour and 1/2 of that we were just standing around waiting for the drag queens to stop entertaining.

Rape Spot

In the mornings

I've started vlogging...just cause. I wanna remember my actual thoughts an not just words later.

When I'm up to this time I start thinking too much about Juan. Ugh.

I feel sick.

I need to stop forreal. If I were in his league we would be together. We're not and I need to come to terms. How hard can this effin possibly be? Cmon cindy just snap outta this already. Its OVERRR!!!!!

My bed

I just finished 4 chapters of review for my marketing test. I need a 92 in this test and a 92 in the final to get an a for the semester.

I just noticed the springs underneath me on my bed and its like their jabbingg themselves on my ribs. No wonder...meh not worth talking about lol. And shanis mom hates it.

A lot of things reminded me of steven today and it bothered me. Made me sad...ugh fuck remembering good things. I rather stay bitter about the situation. Well, I've gone past the bitter stage to the whatever stage, but today made me take a lot f steps backwards. I guess its cause I didn't greave (sp?). I just went from love and complete devotion to hate in a week...haha. whatever.

I spoke to my twin today. She informed me that the test was negative. Thank the lawd. Lol I was starting to worry.

I'm mad at Jon...just to be mad at somebody. Hahaha. I'm so bad. Idk what he's doing...blah. I don't care either!

Happy earth day!

Volcanic Eruption

Wait how do you spell that?
double R?
Single R?
hahaha

Bitch Face

So I saw two people today that I just did NOT want to see. lol

Shani and I had Pei Wei for dinner, and since we didnt see the point in going home to eat it, we ate there. We sat outside. It wasn't too hot or whatever. We were like prob 5 minutes away from leaving when this girl sits on the table right next to us. I think nothing of it...just stupid little white rich girl, what-ev...Then her friend comes too...lol Turns out her friend was our old Skank of a roommate freshman year. I swear I hadn't seen her in 3 years. I was like OMG is that her? well I text that to Shani and she looks back and she's like yeahh. lol She put on some weight. That was keeping us from recognizing her.

Then I went to Boston's Pub with Pris and as soon as I walked in i saw that stupid chic who was there last time. Ugh just looking at her annoyed me. She's so ugly but always pretends to look so damn hot...anyway, she wasn't the one I was all ugh about, but it turns out that Scott is her boyfriend AND he bartends there. WTF?!? I hate Scott. I hate seeing his face. I hated that he would purposely come over to us and take our empty glasses. Thats not even his job. Pris was like, "He's trying to get noticed" Uhhh yeah! So, I felt uncomfortable. We spoke to Joe, the regional manager of that one and chicago and new york and I forgot what the other one was...He's always so cool. I like him. He makes me laugh when he rants in Spanish (cause of his English accent).

Pris was talking to me about a lot of stuff. I was halfway listening to be honest. I couldnt hear anything, but I didnt want her to repeat it. She was like, "I accidentally got a BF, and everybody's giving me shit because they think its not possible" lol it IS possible. Like...uhhh I don't think so, but then it happens anyway. I can totally relate. lol. They broke up already but still. And then, she told me about this other guy that she went out with for a while. Humm...I haven't been drinking with her in so long that she did literally have 30 million stories to tell me. Anyway, this guy wrote her a letter and in this letter he said that he only dated her because he felt sorry for her...and then just kept on going out with her because of habit...and all these other shitty things. I was like whoa! Guys are douche bags.

You know...I want to blog about Juan everytime I blog because he is on my mind like 24/7. I desperately want to be part of his life...but I can't. Besides, when he moves back to Cali...how important could I possibly be? He'll be around his old friends, old flames, old fuck buddies...whatever. I wont mean anything.

I've been thinking more and more about Mr. Juan...and its affecting me. My sleep is suffering. I have a hard time going to sleep, and once I go to sleep I wake up soooo many times. I hate this stupid shit...like two weeks my sleep is fine the next week my sleep is shitty...I'm ANGRY!!!! I love sleep!

Meh...at least I'm not dreaming up some stupid shit that ends up hurting my feelings.

Invisible man

I just had a tearful conversation with empty space pretending to be juan. I told him exavtly what I would say...

I'm going nuts

I have 2-3 more weeks

Pass - Fail

I made such a huge mistake...I think. haha. I allowed Jon to take the next step...Ugh. It was sooo awkward on my part...egh. I swear I wanted to stop...it seemed absurd. On the flip side, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ugh. I fail. Giving a person false hope is so horrible. I don't even need him as "my dude". I guess I just feel like he needs me. The whole maybe-I'll-like-him-later thing isn't a good route at ALL.

I passed my Stats exam. I swear I LITERALLY cried like twice in one night because I was so upset that I couldn't figure out how to solve some problems. And better yet, I got a B on it. Ohhhhh yeaahhhh! I was scared to see the grade, but I eventually did.

My black parents were here this weekend. We saw State of Play, ate at Red Robbins, went to the mall, and to the RIM to shop. I enjoyed them very much. :)

So, the fiesta plans got jumbled up again...We aren't going to Austin on Friday; we are sticking to San Antonio. Its a good thing because I got a flat on Monday, and I'm not sure if the patched up tire will make it over. And we might save some cash by staying - no hotel, no gas, no outlet, no pluckers :( lol

I'm excited...we are 4 days away, and I am def looking forward to our day off on Friday!!!

Stats is the devil in Mathematical Form

So, last stats test I got a B on. I was hella proud of myself because I understood EVERYTHING! well except for like 3 problems...that I didn't know how to solve to begin with. I seem to always go into lala land when I'm in stats. haha. I guess I has zoned out at the time. 

Ugh...I am taking the 3rd test in like 11 hours. I have not gotten any sleep and I took like 3 hours trying to figure out something really dumb...I felt dumb for not knowing to look at a damn table for the answer. THREE HOURS! Just cause I hadn't flipped over an effin page...

Yes, I felt like an idiot.

lol

I thought prof keating was going to go through some of the problems on review day but he didn't and I was disappointed. Or maybe he and I just wasn't paying attention cause I had no idea about what was going on in the first place. So I've managed to teach myself through 1/2 of the test :) but I have no idea on how to calculate the percentile...how to reach this "b" I would know how to effin solve the problem if only i knew how to solve for b. Its so irritating and I bet its like easy as shit...ugh!!!!!! Anyway, I'm always proud of myself for figuring stuff out on my own...I think I'll stay awake until 10...nap til 130...drink a monster and he on my way to work. I prob wont go to Marketing cause I'll def fall asleep. I can him online anyway.

I think its Prof Keating's monotone voice that makes me go into lala land...or maybe its cause I can NEVER see what he's writing down. I must be blind cause the lesbian chic in front of me can see. 

Now that's stupid

Ugh...so my prediction was correct. I am all emotional...but it wasn't the reason why I would usually be emotional. The whole I'm talking to him but I can't really do much past that kind of thing. This time its worse. I know its really stupid to be crying over this and if it were somebody else I would never give a damn...cause really? Why should I care if somebody doesn't text me back. 

On the other hand, I have Juan here...he ALWAYS gets back to me...NO MATTER WHAT. I texted him this afternoon and he never wrote me back. I didn't have much time to think about it with the whole family shit happening and I would leave my phone around not really paying much attention to it. He hasn't texted me. I would understand if I had made a reference to "Snuggle Bunny" because it was easter and thats what I called him. My eyes are kind of teary right now. I hate it! Its retarded to be feeling this way. I hate that I am in love with him. I do. Its not fair, and now my make up is running, great! Juan Sunday is supposed to be bittersweet not just bitter. I hate that he's so perfect for me. I hate that now I have such a high standard for the next one...obviously not the previous one lol but that was the rebound guy that seemed promising but wasn't. 

I feel pressured by my dad's side of the family to come up with somebody. All of my cousins my age are married...or have live in bfs or have kids...whatever. What am I gonna have? A career? And yeah, I will be proud of that when I get it, but i will be alone. I will have nobody to share the wonderfulness with.

I don't know whats WRONG with me! I don't see any other guy remotely great, interesting or even hot. I don't have the desire to pretend, to search, or to even allow another guy enter my life. I know that I do not want to be alone, but I don't want anyone, except for him. This is so frustrating. I'm angry with my emotions right now! 

I broke his heart, and in turn he unintentionally broke mine. 

...

Ohhhh how would it please me to call him Snuggle Bunny again, to call him babe, to tell him that I love him unconditionally. I want to do something simple like hold his hand, take a walk...talk about effin cars or weinerschnitzel, listen to Reppin' my block...text a gabillion times a day like we used to, laugh about the gayness of our sappy words, snowcones! lol, sweet sweet love, UFC shorts...blah

He's leaving me...

What am I gonna do?

 

Ride the waves

wow, I havent blogged in nearly two weeks.

I've been out of it lately...I haven't been going to class either. Well, I did go to class last week, but the week before that I skipped out. Ugh...It bit me in the ass though. I had an accounting test that I didn't even know was happening. lol I just showed up to economics and as I was walking there I looked at my phone...the screen had gone to my calendar and there it was ACC test. BLAH!!! It was a sign. lol. I winged it. I can't drop now and I refuse to take a 0.

I recently came to the news that somebody I know might be bi...I can't say that I was really surprised or not. And supposedly this person thought I knew. I didn't. lol. I wasn't really looking towards those signs...seeing that I am too involved in my own sexuality at the moment. Maybe its just confusion like Mario says. I haven't even had a crush on a new dude since foreverrrrrr, but for a girl yes, ehhh more like 2.

Jon is trying to be my friend again or something idk. We had a falling out cause...well I had to set him straight. I wasn't gonna let it continue. IDK what to do...how to react to it. I had grown so used to not hearing from him...idk. I've been alone and thats all good. Of course I miss Juan, but what can I really do? I can't cry...I have been struck by the case of the Steven : Emotional Numbness hahahahahaha. I don't give a fuck about anything...I'm just riding the waves. Watch tomorrow...I'm be all emotional about something hahaha. Tomorrow IS Juan Sunday...

I was talking to Mario about weddings...I guess since so many have passed by this spring he's like trying to plan out my wedding haha when I dont even have a fiance much less a bf or even an effing crush. And he asked me who my maid of honor would be and I was like IDK...you know it would be good if I would just marry Juan his best friend is a girl...so yall would just switch sides or something. And then I said some more reasons why marrying him would be best...blah. I need to stop thinking of him, and marriage together. 

I am here in Houston for the second weekend in a row. I hate it. I hate driving all the way over here, but my dad asked me to come so I had to. We are having the whole easter thing tomorrow and we are celebrating with my dad's side of the family for once. I hadn't seen them since december. One of my cousins is 3 months pregnant. Man...I'm the ONLY one of age here in Texas from my dad's side of the fam who doesn't have a man and/or kid. lol. I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I'm gonna be an old person and not married. Thats a little sad. Fuck it. More money for me. 

What the french?

I was talking to Juan this weekend. He's leaving in May after his sister's wedding. Blahh...I'm really upset...I'm just really sad.

I thought about it a lot before I fell asleep...which led to the dream that I had...well I guess the series of dreams. The first one was with him. It was an amazing dream...I was so happy with him. I felt myself waking up. and in my head I was like, "NO NO NO NO DONT WAKE UP!" but I woke up. I wanted to cry. I decided that maybe if I fell back asleep really quick I would get back in that dream...NOPE

The next dream - I was driving to pick up Steven because he was drunk. He kept on talking to me, but i wasn't paying attention. I was just driving. I was annoyed...kinda like, "he's drunk again!" I guess we had gotten to our place and I tried to balance him going up the stairs. The place looked small...like a studio apartment. everything there was like a beige muted color that I would have NEVER picked. It was plain, and I dont like plain. Unless it was all like inspired by Declaration of Independence.

haha ok enough of that. He layed down on the bed, and he fell asleep. I sat there on the bed feeling extremely shitty. "Why is he always getting drunk?" My emotions seemed exacerbated. I had this look of failure mixed in with pain in my face. It was awful to see, even if it was only a dream. I turned to him and looked at him with so much love...I started to caress his face. He woke up and stood up. He told me, "You are not my first lover" wtf? lol wtf was dream steven talking about? and I asked. Then he said, "She deserves me more than you do" My eyes grew watery and I told him to get the fuck out of the apartment. I didnt wait to see if he had left. I went to the bathroom...ran a bath...and saw sxephil lol from YouTube in the water...wtf? lol like effin Zordon...hahaha

Idk...I woke up. Again, I wanted to cry. I felt so bad about myself. I felt responsible...for everything that went bad. the thought, "YOU JUST WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!" Circled my thoughts over and over.

I didn't really understand why this kept on effin haunting me. Or maybe I had come to this conclusion before but since I hadn't had this stupid dream in a while...I forgot. haha anyway, i was speaking to my friend Garrett, and mindlessly I said, "idk. I'm scared that I will make somebody else feel the same way...and I guess thats why I havent really taken anybody seriously after that."

Whoa! DING DING DING! Any guy that has tried...I have moved away from without even noticing it. I can't believe I NEVER noticed. Cesar, Jim, Jonathan...and even Juan to an extent. (whats up with all the Js?) I don't want to kill somebody's passion, and get hurt in the process. I'm terrified. Garrett then gave me an explanation...which I will prob blog about later; I dont feel like going into details now. It made sense...but I will never know if its true. or maybe it didnt make sense and it was too far fetched...i dont fucking know.

All I want is to forget it...and I will forget it because I always tuck it back into the back of my mind where useless information/memories should be stored, in the locked files of my mind's basement.

break point

And the craptacular state continues. Whenever I had trouble sleeping, it would be because I was upset over something or someone. Nah, not this time. I feel so tired...my body feels like shit. I'm actually crying in discomfort. I haven't even had the chance to feel sad about the Juan situation because THIS has taken over. I can't sleep...I close my eyes count some effin sheep and nothing. I CAN'T SLEEP! I CAN'T SLEEP! I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP! Its driving me insane. I sleep a little and its just REM I dream...wake up dream again. My sleep is crap. I don't really rest.

I wish I could talk to someone about it...nope, no one is there. Not anyone I can have a serious conversation with.

Someone help...

Ocean behind my eyes

I haven't blogged in a week. Ever since I've gotten back from Houston, I've been sooooo blah, tired. Tired like NOOOOOO other. I've felt like so much crap physically...ugh. My head's been hurting constantly. I've lost sleep also. Idk what's been going on with me this week, but gosh, its awful.

A few weeks ago, my skin started to look really bumpy. So not cute. I started using these lush products, and my shiny-ness has really gone down. My skin feels so soft. I think I have to go back for the herbalism cleanser though to use at night. Angels on bare skin is too mild.

On the other hand, my nails look kick ass.

I got a D on my accounting test. I swear that was the hardest test I've ever taken in my life. I was expecting a 30, but the D was good. The test had 40 questions. I swear I wasn't halfway through when there was 15 minutes left. I didn't feel as dumb because half the class was right there with me. Thats what I get for not studying though.

I have another test Thursday which means that tomorrow will be dedicated to that, and that alone. I will sleep in! yes! I'm broke! I have nowhere to go.

Thursday Mari, her kids and Mayra came to San Antonio. We spent a lot of time holding the baby, feeding him, passing him around, rocking him...haha it was fun. I've never really felt much for babies but for him...idk its different. We went to see "I love you, Man." I had pretty low expectatios but actually it was hillarious. I liked it a lot. Shani said it described Collin very well, and that just brought about a huge conversation.

We later went to ihop. Mayra spoke about her new relationship...sorta, Guy-that-she's-talking-to. We left ihop at 2 am and went to see the Twilight movie that we had just waited in line for. Meh...after reading the books, the movie seemed blah. Twilight was the boring-est book out of the rest though.

---------------------

I think about Juan daily. Here and there. Nothing too substantial or substantial of anyone. I did have a flash of the first time I had sex with one of my exes though, and I was overwhelmed with awkwardness lol. I briefly spoke to him last Sunday, and I told myself I was gonna get back to him, but I didn't.

Time is just passing and passing, and I'm still feeling this way - wanting to be in his arms without being able to. I'm trying to find some kind of exit to not feel this way anymore. I didn't cry about it this week. Ugh, these past two days though, the tears were just building inside of me, burning me. I couldn't tell you how many times my eyes were watery. I refused to let a tear drop. noopee. no! it wasn't going to happen.

What I hate the most is that this WHOLE thing is making me feel lonely. EWWW! Cindy Saint Mary doesn't feel lonely, thats a gross emotion that I will try to evade. Its bullshit. I like my new found independence. ARRGGHHH!!! The whole Juan situation is making me go back to the person I was, the person that made me feel bad about myself.

Nothing is going to happen between Juan and I. I don't know it, but a pessimistic person like me...always thinks the worst! haha...POINT IS that the only way I can be happy with this is if it moves forward (he's the only person I would give up my independence for) or I fucking stick to my independence and move the fuck on.

Feelings...suck sometimes.

She's a Nice Girl, they say

I slept about an hour last night, or maybe I thought I had fallen asleep? I woke up staring at the pillow, like if my head had been hovering over it the whole time. Creepy. My mom was moving pots and pans around...the kitchen is right next to my room. I took a shower, did her make up and tried to go back to sleep.

I had no luck...I texted Esteban and he called me back. We talked about how weird it was that we had some degrees of separation in another direction. I felt kinda bad that I had spoken to the bff about him and his stuff...meh. Not THAT bad lol. I mean the bff has to know right?!? The whole, "I wish I would have paid attention to you instead" thing...Eeek. I think he was scared that whats her face was going to be upset. I mean yeah, thats a horrible thing to hear. "Oh when I said I love you to you, I actually wanted to be with somebody else" BUURRNNN!

I gave up on going to sleep. I had to take Jaime to the lasik surgery, but as I was half way ready, my gma called me and told me that I didn't have to anymore. I decided to go to the museum instead. We saw the rest of the exhibit that we did not get to see Sunday, and we saw this thing at the planetarium. I fell asleep. lol NO LIE! I fell asleep.

It was 330 and I had time to kill before I needed to meet up with the girls for starbucks. So, off the gma's house I went. I nearly fell asleep on the couch. My gpa went to the china...lol I like it when he goes. Then my uncle calls me and tells me he ordered pizza. He sounded so happy that he had gotten lasik haha. Shani came over and we ate.

After that we headed over to Sbux. Vanessa got there after us and brought her cousin with her (another one). The cousin is really cool...I really got along with her. Then Vanessa says, "You know! My mom wants you and my brother to get together."
"Uh...no"
"I know. That's what I told her, but she was like 'I like her and she's such a nice girl. She's in school and your brother is in school. Imagine how much money they would have together.' I told her that it wasn't about the money, but she still insisted that she liked you"
"You know exactly where my heart is"
"Yeah exactly"
haha I've never even spoken to her brother...ever! And I've known her for how long? lol. Besides, I really don't think we have much in common...and I hate shy guys. Well, not HATE per say but I don't think I want to date one. idk...I've really liked my independence. At this time, just one person would make me NOT be single...haha.

We picked up Mario after that and headed back to my gmas house...where we played games. lol Sober fun...haha. I think its funny.

Merary invited me to her wedding. Supposedly she's going to have an open bar. how exciting!!! Fuck yeah, I'm totally there. Besides, I have like 5 dresses that I have NOT worn.

delusional Cindy

Yup, that's exactly what I am. I am making up juan feelings in my head...reading too much into his actions in relation to me. I need to STOP!!!! Its not healthy. I cannot keep talking about it and later crying about it. I'm not going to tell him how I feel...ever. I'm too much of a chicken. I'm dead scared of juan rejecting me...I would die no joke. I've been lucky enough that he still speaks to me, I shouldn't push my luck.

I wish I did have the courage to say something. I wish I was strong enough to survive HIS rejection. I'm not. The rejection would definitely put me in a place worse than last yr. Hahaha then, I'll be involved in another empty lifeless relationship. That would be selfish of me...no one can make me as happy...and if I'm not that kind of happy, it wouldn't be fair.

I've spent my last hour crying. The 25 most played on my ipod are all Juan tracks. Music that I listened to when we broke up. I hadn't noticed until now that I played the playlist on its own. Gosh...I don't want it to happen again.

I say NO TO ZOMBIE CINDY!!!

Fighting Sleep

This is why I have always had some weird ass sleeping patterns...Sometimes I am like sleepy as can be, but I fight my drowsiness till the end...till it wins...usually hours since when the battle began.

Esteban called me today and all I could talk about was Juan...I think he was a bit upset about it. I can't lie and say that I don't still have feelings for Juan cause I do...idk the exact words he said but it was like...if you have these strong feelings for Juan, you can't have feelings for me. I didn't respond. What could I say? They were true. I told him myself...like a couple of minutes before, "It seems like after Juan...I can't commit myself COMPLETLY to somebody else. I don't think I can give that same amount of love to another. He still has it" then he was like, "Yeah, the whole thing was intense"

Then I asked him, "If you could go back in time would you change anything?" I was clearly asking because I wanted to say that I wouldn't have fucked up with Juan...lol but he goes, "Yeah, I would change some things. I would have paid attention to you instead of those girls" Whoaaa! lol Somehow I felt guilty...I mean before Juan he was the guy of my dreams. The sweet, good looking, sensitive, nice, giving, goal-oriented, double-majored, level headed, patient, manly, spanish speaker, etc. That's still Esteban, plus more. Juan...isn't really the guy that I had made up in my mind that was "Mr. Perfect" He's actually nowhere near close (ok he does carry most, but not all). Juan's just the guy that made me think differently about what Mr. Perfect was supposed to be for ME.

Ahhh! I almost forgot...so yes I did get back to Juan...my hour of Juan was great, ugh too bad he had to go to school. He's working at Lexus now. Ouu la la! I totally imagined him all greasy and sexy...lol like the sex scene in F&F in the garage. He's graduating in 3 weeks. I'm soooooo proud of him. I can't even begin to describe how proud I am. I don't think I've ever been proud of anybody's achievements before.

Ugh...I thought about our conversation and about him, and about us - what we used to be, throughout the day and the next day. I can always think that he still cares about me, but I don't know that for sure. I am hurting myself for coming up with these stupid ideas in my head. I didn't ask if he had a new gf, or whatever. For all I know, he probably has one. One that is 10 times more good looking than I could ever be...I wish I had Edward's super vampire power to read thoughts...this sucks

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I got a new haircut...I don't know if I'm completly sold on it. I haven't styled it in the two days I've had it. The lady that was cutting my hair was probably the only hispanic hairstylist there was. She had a slight accent that I picked up, and she seemed very cold towards me. I then told her that if she wanted to she could speak in Spanish haha. I should have told her that from the start cause then she IMMEDIATLY warmed up to me, "Your parents taught you how to speak Spanish!?!" I don't know what that amazed her, but then again the area we live in is very White...

I have yet to see my cousin's daughter. It makes me kinda mad...lol I mean not like GRRRR but ughhh but not. hahaha. I wanna see her already!!!

I want to blog some more...but I don't...I'm starting to get that I-feel-like-crap-cause-of-the-reality-of-Juan-and-I feeling again. I'm sad. dammit. I'll just try to sleep, instead.

Stupid app

I woke up sick yesterday. No surprise there. I always seem to get sick at my parent's house. I woke up pretty late...I had totally forgotten about daylight savings. Thr headache that I had was unbearable...I felt extremely tired; my whole body ached. I tried to go back to sleep but my dad was mowing the lawn.

I stared at my phone for about 30 minutes...trying to decide if I should call Juan or not. I txted vanessa...I was nervous. I clicked on his name from my contact list...waited for 10 more minutes then finally pressed call. It rang about 5 times...the vmail came on...I blanked out when it was time to leave him my message. I tripped over my words. I pressed the end button and texted vanessa. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating 100 miles a minute...

I uninstalled this stupid app that has made me miss calls and texts...but for some reason my phone did not receive ANY calls or texts. Lol I thought I was being unpopular...

Mom got there and we headed off to the museum...my favorite place. We bought our membership, and went into the permanent exhibit hall. I've been there so many times but it never ceases to entertain me. We were in there for an hour and only saw the first floor. At 5 we saw this 3-d movie about the sea at the imax. It kinda made my eyes hurt. Entertaining none the less.

After that we went for dinner and visited gma again. By that time I felt like complete crap. I was so tired. My head was throabing. I had a pain running from my back down to my thighs. My nose was runny and I kept on sneezing. I was sleepy...it was ugly. I felt so awful. We returned home early because of it. Once I got home, I fell right to sleep. I woke up and got a major pain in my leg...I literally yelled in agony.

I woke up around one...no calls,no texts, nothing! I was like wtf? Juan didn't call me back or even text me? My heart sank. I felt pretty goddamn shitty. But then again I thought it was weird that NOBODY had. And grandma said she was trying to call me too. I restarted my phone, and sure enough I had a flood of texts come in, including several from Juan throughout the day. Bleh. I felt sad to have missed him...I couldn't get back to him at 130 am...on a sunday. Later today I guess.

I want to go back to sleep But I can't grrr.

Don't Act Like You Didn't Cause You Did!

I lost my tempter at work. I seriously did. I went off on a kid and nearly made him cry. I don't care...I let him slide with so may things in the past. He deserved it. I wrote him up. After that, he was very well behaved. I just hate how it had to come down to that for him to be well behaved.

Driving home was lame...like always. I hate staring at pavement for 3 hours. I nearly ran out of gas when I was a tad past Katy. I only had like 5-8 more miles before I reached the beltway...grr. My light turned on. I got off of the freeway, and I couldnt find ONE measley gas station, not one! I drove like down three more exits until I found a Valero priced at 1.89...wtf? lol I just put 3 bucks in, enough to get me home. In SA, its 1.71. I saw some reallll nice eye candy though with a fucking sexy car...shii-ettt. lol

Today, I woke up particularly early. I trimmed my bro's hair. He wouldn't let me give him a haircut. What a wimp. I took a shower, got ready...by that time it was 1215. lol I was supposed to be gone. We headed out and I remembered that I did NOT have gas. I drove to the gas station only to realize that pumps had been stopped. Why? IDK...I drove to Krogers to get my gma some flowers. It was supposed to be a 5 minute-tops stop. Nah, it sure wasn't. I hadn't seen so many ghetto people packed into a Krogers in my life. The line was longgg, uncivilized people don't know how to form a effin line. It pissed me off so bad. I felt really anxious...like I was about to snap. I also bought some dry food good for the food drive...I felt good about myself. haha.

I headed over to Ana's house. Still no gas. I didn't feel as bad that I was running late because Vanessa was also late. We headed out to the Galleria...Vanessa brought he cousin with her, and Shani said that she made the conversation awkward. OMG...the waiter had the sexiest voice I've ever heard...lol He was talking to us, and I was trying to figure out what to think of his voice. He left and Shani goes, "Ouufff His voice is SEXY! When he came right next to me and said something really close (he explained why her sushi wouldn't be able to come out first) I wanted him to whisper some more" lol It seemed like all the male waiters were coming over to our table, when everybody already had tables of their own. It was WEIRD. They were all really nice...wtf? lol I mean yeah they should be nice OUR waiter should be nice, but the other ones? What were they gonna get out of it?

Of course we had to go to Lush. Please, somebody tell me why there are two Macy's at the Galleria. Seems pretty pointless. I had left Buffy in SA...I bought two other body butters...

I went to my Gma's house next. When I got there she was fast asleep. Mayra was in a bitchy ass mood. IDK...whatever it was, wasn't my fault...She asked me if I was hungry, and I said no that I just came back from Kona, and that I was broke anyway. Then she was like..."youre broke but you just came back from Kona?" Mom actually gave me 20 bucks for lunch...so that pretty much covered it for both my bro and I. Grandma woke up, and Mayra let her know she was hungry...She suggested to make some quesadillas. Nah uh...she wasn't having that and she snapped at her. I was like WHOOOAAA!

My aunt woke up and suggested to get pizza...blah. She then said she needed to leave. She didn't say why just took off with Dina. Karen was like..."I wanted to go and she didn't invite me. Even if she would have invited me, I wouldn't have gone though since she was so mad." I was like...ok...I guess. What upset me was that she went out and didn't even ask me to go. I mean I most likely wasn't going to go, but she didn't even much think to ask me out of courtesy. Everytime I'm at her house, its like she only hangs out with me because she doesn't have anybody else to hang out with - not because she really wants to. The friends that might do something extremely bad to her...are like the center of her life. Maybe I should start viewing her differently from now on. She has done a lot of things that have hurt my feelings...and I'm tired of it. I don't think the relationship is gonna be the same.

After she left...things were said about her...not nice things either. I'm surprised the women there were so vocal about those things. I don't understand her behavior to be honest. I know exactly what my flaws are...what I do wrong, and I am probably open to hear any others, but she doesn't seem to see hers. I know IT SUCKS to hear people raggin' on you...It seems like even Grandma is super frustrated. Everybody wondered wtf she was so infuriated about. We were only bystanders caught in her angry fury.