I retract my previous statement

Unattainable Dream Boat

*UPDATE*
the unattainable dream boat is now blonde girl's BF
lets all proceed to feel jealous...lol.

Close to stalker

I'm here in San Antonio, waiting on christys call  she said we should meet up but she doesn't answer her phone and I've driven nowhere for a whole hour except that I went there again. I can't believe I did that again and I really shouldn't make a habit out of it cause I'm not creeper but it sure doesnt seem like I am. I started thinking that they have cameras on the entrances so they probably have my plate numbers. Oh great! So when he files for a restraining order they already have proof that I'm completely insane.

Parents truck was out there and so were 3 other cars that I have no idea who they belong to. Not the infinity, and I surely do not see him driving a crv or rav4 whatever that was. Or that station wagon looking VW. I just end up upsetting myself and wondering where the fuck he is if he's not in Texas. Though a lot could happen in 2 years. He could have moved away. He could have moved out. He could have shacked up with somebody.

The possibilities are endless. And I will forever be obsessive

Dash to the Toilet

My alarm went off at 7:30 in the morning. I woke up and realized that I woke up in the middle of a dream with Juan. Instantly I was sad. Its one of those dreams that you dont want interrupted. I pressed snooze on the alarm and kept on thinking about it.

In the dream Juan was hanging out with people in my family, but hadn't ever seen me (even though he was in a relationship with him). He was hanging out with my dad in particular and my dad loved him.  Time passes in my dream I guess. And we were SOOO in love apparently.

Then my mom says to me, "Why don't we ever see you guys together? He's with your dad now. Maybe he'll come over" I'm washing dishes, why am I washing dishes? I don't really know. lol. I hear the door open (my front door makes a distinctive noise when it opens). Dad comes in with a cooler. At this point, I feel like I'm about to pass out. I guess I was ashamed of my appearance, and what he would think of me.  I get this anxiety - the type I get during rush hour traffic or during black friday x1000. Peter walks in, and I hear Juan's voice. He walks in and shows me this big fish still on a hook. He has the hugest smile.

That was when I woke up.

I thought about this dream a good 2 minutes, and I smell the brisket that had been cooking the whole night. I try to ignore the pain in my stomach, and the need to throw up. However, I was not successful. So, I dashed into the bathroom and threw up violently. So violently that I nearly start crying. I call my mom, and tell her to call KJ (one of my bosses) to tell her I won't be coming in. It was bad. I don't even know what would cause me to throw up like that, and in the morning???

I missed vlogging :(

One of them days

I just had one of those deppressing days. I wanna keep on being depressed but want to not be at the same time. I went on one of those Juan crazed moments. I was doing so well, but thats what i always say.

I was telling Amanda P. How much i dont wanna be married right now, and how i didnt get everyone that was having kids and such. She said she did want to be married, and that she thought DJ was gonna be the one (before they broke up and he went crazy and lives in Costa Rica). Then i went on to say, "well i guess if i did have someone i would be think it would be a good idea to marry" sadly, i dont have anyone to think about marriage with.

Then Luisa has been retweeting all this astrology shit. So, i decided to look into it and do all this bullshit compatability test with me and Juan. Astrology is bullshit...you know it, i know it, but its always true. Astrology describes my character pretty well, but i dont think it describes all capricorns. Maybe i'm just a textbook version of a capricorn.

Anyway, it described our relationship...to the tee almost. It went on to say that we were soooooo compatible, and i started to cry. Its just fucking astrology for fucks sake! Its fucking stupid. Its Faggetry.

I miss him so much. I hate it! I hate it so much. I just wanna rip my heart out! Its almost been 3 years and it still hurts like if it all happened yesterday. Im unable to deal with it and i just wanna burry it deep inside me.

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Craft Crazed

Vibrating Hello

Day 8 and 9

Day 07

Day 05 & 06

Day 04

So, I didn't feel like waiting forever and a day to film, edit and upload a video...wait for it to process and what not.

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

I have tons of habits I did not have. For example, I eat when I am bored. I pick at my hair for hours. I never go to sleep on time.

ok those are the only ones I can think of right now...

Day 03

Orange Vision

While filming on my Casio Exilim I turned into an Oompa Loompa of Snooki proportions. I toned it down a tad, but whatever. It was kind of annoying. I had only filmed some clips in the summer for my cousins 15 video but they were all generally under a minute each...weirdness.

Day 02

Day 01

Shoe Explosion

Changing for the...

Tick tock

Im only 23, but already i feel old. As if i were a ticking time bomb. Its probably become today i came to a realization that in two months i will have been single for a whole year. That hasnt happened to me since i cant...since never. It honestly feels horrible [today].

My plan, my life plan isnt going the way i thought it was, and it sucks. Nothing is going on schedule. What sucks more about it is that im freaking out over nothing. I have no money to be married. Im not psychologically ready for it either, but because everybody else is doing it, i feel so left out.

I know a lot of people in my same boat though...why am i freaking out so much? Why am i feeling so insecure at the moment?

The mistakes of my past eat away at me, i guess. I feel like if i wouldnt have done this, or that maybe i would be with Juan right now. And thats absolute crazy talk. Why? Because a guy like Juan was never supposed to be with a girl like me.

Its absolutely ridiculous to even BELIEVE that he was ACTUALLY in love with me through the duration of our relationship. Im an idiot when it comes to love. I fall for it. I hang on every word. I cherish every...everything. I cant help myself.

But now im an insane psychopath with no hope. I dont even remember what love feels like. I just know that i miss the feeling. And i desperately crave it.

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Germaphobe

What's behind door number 3?

I'm a complicated individual

Waste

I have a few blogs filmed, just haven't uploaded.

I sometimes think too hard, and start feeling shitty about myself all over again. I am a perfectly fine individual with a lot of potential, but sometimes I just CANNOT see that in myself. I refuse to accept the good in me because all the bad things seem to overshadow them.

I'm afraid! I'm afraid that a lot of things will not turn out like I want them to because by nature...I just fuck everything up. Now, at this point in time, I've fucked up so much that I have nothing to FUCK UP. I have nothing going for me and I feel like I'm just going to waste.

just...upset.

that is all.

DWI

my choppy video for my half ass return to vlogging.

Engagements, marriage, and getting knocked up

Mayra tweeted that everyone is either getting engaged married or knocked and that she felt left out

lets reverse to 2004-2007...i was with Aaron, and i honestly thought he was the love of my life. I honestly thought that he loved me the right way. When in actuality, he was douchebag asshat who would manipulate me in any way possibly for his personal gain. After graduation, right before he went to bootcamp, he asked me to marry him, and i said no mainly because im a girl and i want a big wedding.

We kept talking about it for the next couple of years (eventhough he was already married). I would fantasize about how life would be...and if i think about it today it wouldnt be a fantasy it would be a downright nightmare.

So, marriage looks like a far off ffffaaaaarrr off. I dont even think theres even a match for me at this point. I cant imagine getting along with anybody on that level. Its been 9 months and I dont remember what its like to care for somebody. Im too awkward...too weird...too fat? lol the only one i want is who knows where and is definitely not missing me.

I dont even wanna even be knocked up. Its so difficult to have a child, to put your needs aside for theirs. Life is essentially over if you want to be a RESPONSIBLE parent, unlike other people i know who think the party should keep on going.

So NO i dont feel left out.

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Erase you

If i could just erase people from my memory...life would be a lot smoother lol. Cause running away doesn't exactly work.

in other news, I emailed my prof, and he said that somebody found my phone, and they turned it in to the guard. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the guard isn't fucked up, and still has it lol.

Bye Cell Phone

The worst thing about losing your cellphone is that somebody can just look at all your shit...privacy gone! They could probably go through my Facebook account, my twitter, this blog, and whatever else is affiliated with me! Then there are those pictures of Juan...if you swipe 3 times to the left. How embarrassing???

At least I didn't have naughty pictures lol. All of my pictures were PG. I had recently renewed my contract, sooooooo I can't leave T-mobile for ATT like I was planning to. 

I lost it 12 hours ago, and according to Google latitude 10 hrs ago...it was still on campus. I should have asked professor Gupta if he had found a cell phone, but I didn't! gahhh I'm an idiot.

I've lost SOOOO many phones by accidentally leaving them around. ugh.

'Twas a French Friday

Melange Creperie

corner of Taft and Westheimer in front of Mangos

I continued with the Food and Coffee-re-exploring-Houston-tour.

If this place were not at a stop light you would pass this gem up. I was greeted with a smile by Sean, the lovely man who owns this creperie. He was very charming and talkative. It was NICE. I live when people interact, and try to make you feel good about visiting your venue. Top of the line customer service, along with an amazing crepe.

Mayra had the Strawberries and vanilla bean whipped cream. He added a bit more after Mayra had taken a few bites.

Shani had the egg, cheese, and ham. Pretty basic...I wouldn't have ordered it, but she enjoyed it.

As you can see in this picture here.

I had the banana and Nutella. DUHHH this was gonna be a winner! It has nutella! Delicious, amazing, fantastic, and everything else good!

I WISH there was one right outside my house cause I could possibly eat one every other hour. Who am I kidding...every 30 minutes lol.

Later, I went with my aunt to La Madeleine. I had my usual Cesar salad, potato salad and half a sandwich.

Its ok to be itty bitty

The Itty Bitty Burger Barn
5503 PINEMONT DRIVE
HOUSTON, TX 77092

This was my first stop on my Food and Coffee-re-exploring-Houston-tour since it was the closest to my house - 10 minutes. They had a large array of burger choices with a big sign with dudes handwriting, and funny little pictures. I opted for the Western Burger (burger topped with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, bbq sauce, and an onion ring) since Rob got the Black Blue Burger with Blue Cheese, and I refused to copy!

His was absolutely delicious. There he is eating my leftover tots - which were fucking good - with Jalapeno ketchup. He said it wasn't spicy it was just the jalapeno aroma. Well, I didn't get my food at the same time Mayra and Rob did cause well...the poor teenage waiter/cashier dropped it on the floor. He looked so embarrassed. I felt bad for him, and the cook gave him the STANK eye. Awww poor baby :(

I didn't really care that he had dropped it on the floor it was whatever, but he offered a free milkshake. I didn't really wanna take it, but whatever...Mayra was like "OK!" We tasted it and it had a distinct taste. I tried to figure it out for a second, but then gave up. lol Rob then said it tasted like Quick and yup! that was the taste.

Mayra had a steak sandwich which was good too, all in all I liked it. I would absolutely go there again.

Its PAST my bed time

I'm usually not up at this time when I have school the next day, but I have like this overwhelming guilt.

I was watching today's PDS and it reminded me that during 2007-2008 I lied a CRAP LOAD. It was a lie to cover up another lie to cover up another. By the end I was so inundated with lies that I could not keep track of them all. The consequences were much larger than I expected. It was a little game I played which got too many other people involved...all for the sake of getting back at Aaron. Aaron the insignificant soul-less bastard who I pay no mind to anymore.

I have grown up since then. All that crap, and people finding out does slap you back into reality. If I had to go back in time, I MOST likely would have done it again, but would have only involved two people. Aaron - naturally to just fuck him over again and again cause I'm genuinely evil like that and another just because I am selfish.

I feel like that year haunts me. As if it defined me as a whole because I made the most mistakes that year. I know that I shouldn't let that happen but it does! Now, I was definitely NOT the victim of that story, but I did fuck my OWN self over that year. I was ridiculous, and sloppy. Sometimes paranoia sets in and I feel like the people involved will tell everyone about it. I don't doubt they haven't told people about it...idk.

Going back to the growing up part - I've realized a lot of things about myself.

1. I can be a very fucked up human being, and I need to check myself, as well as my ethics, from time to time.
2. I do appreciate and love myself - flaws and all, and people should know that
3. Technology is DANGEROUS.
4. I don't need to be a vindictive bitch when people screw me over. A good "FUCK YOU!" should suffice. 
5. I make really crappy/short lists

Food and Coffee

I've been living in Houston for about 15 years of my life, off and on, and I've never TRULY explored the city. That's the EXACT reason why I'm so bored with this. So, I have challenged myself to visit one restaurant or coffee shop a week. I'm tired of the same old...same old chain restaurant. How about spicing shit up with hidden gems? Yes!

This is my list...12 weeks ahhh!


http://www.kennyandziggys.com/

http://www.littlebittyburgerbarn.com/ Thursday, Sept. 2nd w/ Rob and Mayra

http://www.melscountrycafe.com/

http://www.tbonetoms.com/

http://www.bobstacos.com

http://www.redlionhouston.com/

http://cafepita.weebly.com/

http://melangecreperie.wordpress.com/ Friday Sept 3rd with Shani and Mayra

Lankford Grocery & Market


Coffee too

http://www.empirecafe.com/

www.TINYBOXWOODS.COM

http://www.javacoffee.com/

http://www.inversioncoffee.com/

Obnoxious with Pink Lipstick

I felt super girly today with pearls and flowers :)

It takes forever and a day for the makeup I'm wearing to translate into a picture sometimes...ghey.

This one is from Lauren aka thequeenofblending. I LAVVVV her. She cracks me up all the time. Look at me talking about her like I know her. but yeah, She's so down to earth and actually responds to tweets like a normal person :)

AHhh!!!

Stupid poses lol. I used all the eyeshadows she used because I actually had them. I never use my Ammo pallet from Urban Decay and now I have a use for it :)

Blush : Sweet Cheeks from Milani  Lips : MAC Snob <3 Eyebrows : MAC Brun e/s

Nothing really to post

My aunt Marina had her surgery yesterday. So, that means she hasn't bothered me for the past day. She has to wear these ridiculous goggles that are funny to look at. I slept from like 7 pm to 830 am in the morning. I think its a good idea to sleep this much for a school day because I have to remain focused. Last semester I would half way pay attention because I was so sleepy.

BUTTTT before I fell asleep last night I did do some hauling.

I REALLY wanted these boots so I bought a few other things to along with it.

I had this skirt in my wish list ever since I saw it and I never ordered it because I always find it really retarded to pay an insane amount of many on something my grandma could possibly make. I also bought some pink sunglasses that I will probably show on me instead of a picture. And a pair of linen pants that I plan on wearing to work so they're not really important.

I picked this bag up as well because I needed a new school/laptop bag. I hope it works out because my zebra bag is broken *sad face*

Anyway...

Life if pretty boring still except that  my week went by so fast. Maybe it was because I don't have to frikkin' work a full work week. I love my J-O-B but sometimes all the drama just makes it so hard to function.

I overdrafted because I placed in a bill to pay yesterday. The bills usually just go through on Friday, but for some reason this one wanted the money NAO. I screwed myself over and I had to go half way around the world to find a effin' ATM. And then  since I took a dif route to school there was construction on I-10 that made me have to take the  longest detour. which helped out in the end because I ended up exiting the normal exit that ends up at my bank :)

In other news I already found a douchebag thats in two of my classes...annoyed/bothered

The Deli at Fiesta

I spent 40 dollars in Fiesta. lol.

English Chocolate that I love from Cadbury I think?
Mozzarella
Proscuitto 1/2 lb
Peppered Turkey 1lb
Muenster Cheese 1lb
Hummus the garlic-y kind <3
Potato bread - havent had this in YEARS
Starbucks coffee for tomorrow's early morning
Nuts - almond and walnuts
Fresh Rosemary
Hot Cheetos
Soy milk - mom hadn't restocked
and some other bullshit that I don't remember

All because...

1. I wanted to be fancy and have deli sliced turkey and cheese. 
2. I wanted to try the mozzarella and proscuitto from this post on SCCastaneda's blog...though I did forget the ciabatta!!! AHHH!!! (not to mention that having prosciutto always makes me feel fancy)
3. One of our kids' mom makes these awesome nuts for him as a reinforcer...taste soo good

 I had the fancy deli sandwich today, and tomorrow I will try Sonia's ciabatta sandwich :)

My aunt is visiting...ugh...I mean yay!

I never quite understood why people on TV would say that they would stress out over a relative coming to visit, but yeah, its true. My tia Marina is here with my cousin's daughter Nathalie..or is it Nataly? whatever.

She was at the doctor's office with my mother when I got home yesterday. There was an Herbalife brochure on the kitchen table, and I thought to myself, "She's gonna try to sell me of of that bullshit I ALREADY know!" When I was in VA last year she kept on saying that I should lose weight and what not, and that I would look much prettier with less weight on. It really annoyed me. Fat people already know that theyre fat. Its like beating a dead horse.

Now, she's selling Herbalife...like what hispanic person isn't selling that bullshit? She got home and she half way hugged me as to make it a point that she couldn't hug me all the way...which is complete bullshit cause everyone can...unless I have friends with very long arms. She offered me some fruit, and got annoyed by me cause I had never tasted a cherry before, of course the type that doesn't come in an alcoholic drink. I was feeling pretty shitty and I did not want to eat regardless.

I went to sleep like at 930 that night. She probably thought I was being rude but I was just feeling so gross that even the light hurt my eyes. When I woke up in the morning she hadn't come out of her room. As I flat ironed my hair, Nataly came out and said she needed to use the potty. I directed her to the other room and continued to flat iron my hair. My aunt went in to take a shower, and she ended up not knowing how to use the shower part of the shower, but didn't ask me.

I was on my way out and I try to find my keys inside my huge bag so I took out my lunch. She says, "Thats ALL the food you're taking?!" It was an apple, a flat ass sandwich made of my mom's thin diet bread and a slice of ham(cause there was no cheese or lettuce), and a handful of cashews. I didn't think it was a big meal at all. So, it made me really pissed off. I wanted to punch her in the face.

She hasn't had the opportunity to push her stupid Herbalife products to me, but I will say NO with a straight face because when you say no with a smile that may lead people to believe that you can be convinced. fuckkk no.

Anyway, I've been on campus waiting for my class to start for the past two hours...it starts in 1. I've read the first chapter of my India book. Blahhhhh. She's not gonna be at my house tonight so I can relax and be the fat ass that I am.

Shopping for Shani's Wedding dress

There are 10 months until Shani's wedding. Theyre gonna pass by SOOOO fast. We all need to get on the diet train...lol

BB Malfunction

I had the black one he had the gold one.

My BB started to act all crazy like a yr after I got it. It would all of the sudden freeze and delete EVERYTHING. All of my recent activity as well as all of my text messages. It pissed me the hell off but I really didn't care too much since my texts weren't that important to me at the time.

The phone was working fine the whole time we were together. I never deleted on text from him. We broke up and two days later it glitched on me. All of my texts got erased. I remember it too. I was in the car driving from work saying, "no...no...this didn't just happen. No No NOOO!!!!"

I cried my eyes out. Everything was gone, EVERYTHING. All the I love yous, the I miss yous, the you're so amazings, the you're the best thing that ever happened to mes...well all the supposed "faggetry"

it was terrible. It was a fuck you to the face. To this day I wish I had them to see them to remember that it was real...and not some fucking fantasy land bullshit that I came up.

The memories are slipping away, and I'm trying so hard to keep him alive in my memory.

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That damn dream

I keep thinking about it and in turn I keep on thinking about Steven. It annoys the hell outta me, but I can't stop. I liked how I felt in the dream, and it been the closest to anything in a couple of months.

I also feel sort of guilty that the guy in my dream was a different version of Steven and not somebody else. It makes me angry...idk. Like if my dreams have been violated by unwanted thoughts?

why steven? why dream about him? I rarely even think of him. Why feel that way? I'm so annoyed! I don't give two shits about him in the romantic sense of things.

Its not me. It will never be me again.

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Shopping

There were some interesting conversations at work. Somebody might be leaving, and I hope...it happens. I think things will go smoother for me. but you know, sometimes people like to fantasize about things that never end up happening...for example : me moving out/getting a new car.

The power went out at work today, all the kiddos got to leave by 2. I went to the Redbox and rented two movies. Then I did some online "window shopping" and I decided that I NEED these heals

To go with my ASOS dress for Mario's birthday dinner. They're only 15 bucks too from Forever21.

Later I did some actual shopping. I stopped by my bro's middle school and bought school supplies, and then with my BestBuy rewards in hand I FINALLY bought an aux cable for my ipod. The sneaky product placement tricked me into buying Dexter Season 3 for 20 bucks which is a steal considering it costs 40 on the regular.

We then went to the mall. My bro needed some school uniform shirts, and he specifically said he wanted them from Express. So they were on special buy one get one 50% off. We had a coupon : 30 off of 75. We needed to spend 23 more bucks so I snagged a shirt for my momma. She's always in need of clothing. In total it was 52 bucks for 3 shirts which is quite impressive for Express. I went into forever 21 and found nothing that REALLY appealed to me. I sorta liked this one dress, but when I moved to a dif part of the store I noticed that it was partially see-thru...and thats a NO NO! I left it on the rack and went about my business.

We then got to Macys and looked at the bedding - since my aunt is coming from DC, my mom wants to prep my bro's room for her stay with new sheets. My poor bro hasn't gotten new sheets since he still liked Spongebob. After that we waited for mom, but she taked forever and a day so we waited outside in the hallway on a bench.

I got bored so I decided to go in a pop into LB. There was a 9.99 sale. Everything is soooo old ladyish there with like one or two pieces that are hip. I found an off the shoulder top, and cool looking tunic. SCORE! I now have an outfit for Saturday :)

My mom arrived and we bought Ruby a Cinderella Halloween costume from the Disney store, and Josue some Black Vans from Journeys Kids. My mom was unusually hyper, which was quite hillarious. She took us to Chick Fil A, and that was our shopping afternoon/evening.

I think my blog's been flooded with too much negativity, and it needed to lighted up with some boring recollection of my days lol

Sailor Moon from Vintage or Tacky

I've decided to keep track of my favorite eye looks to NEVER forget!!!

This is just too hawt for words from the wonderful Vintage or Tacky (Cora).

I did some tweeking cause of course I did not have ALL the products, though I did order 

Grape pigment and Pink Opal for it

Products Used:

Face

Revlon Photo Ready in #6

Mac NW25 Studio blend concealer

Mac Blush in Blunt to contour

Wet n Wild Blush in Heather Silk

Too Faced Pink Leopard to highlight

Lips : MAC Rose Romance LE Lipstick

Eyes:

MAC Post Haste

Coastal Scents 88 Matte Palette - First Hot Pink

MAC Vibrant Grape

Coastal Scents 88 Matte Palette - Bright Blue

MAC Grape Pigment & Fix +

MAC Beautiful Iris

MAC Vellum as a highlight

MAC Pink Opal as an inner corner highlight

MAC Feline to line

You can't control your dreams

I slept a VERY long time yesterday...From 6 pm to almost 8 am...yeah. lol.

I woke up a couple of times and when I wake up is when I dream (or I guess I remember my dreams). I was in Louisiana this time. We were staying at one of those shady hotels, and Mayra had left me there while she went with some shady guy. So, I went to the french quarter to explore. I went on one of the Mule tours and got lost. The mule driver looked like this :

 Of course he looked like an ACTUAL person, and not a politically incorrect cartoon, but he just reminded me of this BS, and he spoke like a person from Roots. IDK...where that eff that came from...

but moving on...I was the only person on the carriage. He stopped, and this guy that looked like a rocker version of Steven with black hair, those black studded belts, piercings and tattoos was there. I said I was lost, and they both say, "You're lost??" and said, "Yes, and I can't hear. My speakers (from my computer) are missing" So, the driver tells me that the rocker dude would take me. So, we get into this red car and drive away. We drive like super far, and I get a little worried. I ask him where he's taking me and he says to Best Buy.

I'm being really awkward with him like I am with most people and he keeps talking to me. And he asks me why I'm not looking at him, and I just shrug. Deja vu anyone? I can feel it in my dream that I really like this dude...and I get even more weird - like all shy and quiet. I get the overwhelming feeling that I want to hold his hand...ugh. We finally get there and he goes straight in. He's tall so he looks up through the sections to find the auto section. I try to tell him that I don't need car speakers but computer ones but he ignores me. He tells me, "these are the best ones in existence!" which I find highly unlikely if we're in Best Buy. And he gives me a two point list as to why they were good. He also had these Steven mannerisms which unsettled me even more when I woke up.

They were 1000 dollars. Rocker dude ends up saying, "fuck it! I'm buying them for you!" And he throws down Canadian money to buy it. He ends up buying them and by that point I'm like fuck it...I don't wanna make this dude feel bad by not taking these stupid speakers. The rest was all bullshit...that I don't even remember.

When I woke up I felt euphoria, and disgust at the same fucking time lol.

Euphoria : Feeling those crushing feelings again. Awwww crushes :) Theyre so amazing and you have like a smile from ear to ear.

Disgust : It was Steven in costume to put it clearly.

lol.

ASOS

 I've been reading a lot of plus size fashion blogs lately since LALanguage on YouTube introduced them to me. One blog leads to another blog and now I have like 30 blogs bookmarked! Anyway, when they post OOTD they often have links to the pieces. Or sometimes they post like sales or shit they've seen.  This UK shop ASOS kept showing up. I checked them out a couple of days ago, and I REALLY liked the clothes. The prices weren't off the wall crazy like some other linked clothing. I couldn't really convince myself to order though. I thought, "Uhh...this is from the UK. The dollar is worth NOTHING there! and what about the shipping? probably through the freaking roof!"

But today, as I was reading another Blog it linked me to the clearance section lol...uhhh yeah why didn't I check THAT out before? I saw a couple of pieces that we too cute like this one dress - cost me a whopping 13 bucks. yeah what a steal! So, I picked out 5 things. It came out to be 58USD but then I saw that the last shirt which was cute...was "too much" since I'm such a penny pincher I took it out and my cart was 40USD. I then went on to find a free shipping code, and that was that. I ordered.

I plan to wear this to @mar10man's  24th birthday party at the grove. We decided to "step up" our classyness. I think that this dress is sophisticated and chic. :)

Hurt like that

My Go-To Smokey Eye

I always say black and brown make a frown but I wear this whenever I get the chance to its like soooo beautiful. My favorite eye look hands down.

Picture beside me

The past few night I've been sleeping with a picture of him beside me. I stare at it for a good while before I actually fall asleep. I want to feel as if I saw him a couple of days ago.

I don't want to forget his face...like I forgot his voice. That's so devastating to me. I don't remember his voice at ALL.

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I'm unselfishly sad

I received a call a couple of hours ago. it was Esteban and he was distraught. he always starts his stories with, "you know that one thing I told you about?" this one thing was that his cousin had passed away and that he carried her casket. Well, this other thing was that his uncle passed away a couple of days ago. and he kept on saying, "why did this have to happen to us?"

idk...I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him that its all gonna pass. I feel so sad for him...I've never really seen him this way.

I love Esteban, and I really hate that he's going through this.

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My Purple hair

I dyed my hair purple a couple of months ago...

Three years ago, I told him I was gonna dye my hair purple, and he started to suggest other colors to ago along with it. And I said, "I'll add pink just for you" He responded, "I feel special that a girl is gonna look like a skittle for me"

I laughed so hard.

I keep on reading...and we talked about wearing a man thong that he washed his car in with sponges attached to it.

I laughed even harder.

IDK man...he's so irreplaceable that I cannot fathom the idea that there could be somebody better. Nobody has made me laugh harder, care about him more, more comfortable to be MYSELF, and not try to impress him.

I want to open up my heart to somebody new because I know that we're not going to be together again, but I find it so difficult. Then again, lately I've found it difficult to live a lonely life as well. I don't speak to anybody other than the people at work, my bro and my mom. Esteban is having his own struggles to deal with...which are much bigger than mine.

Its really difficult for me to admit it, but I think I'm depressed. I know I always say that I'm upset about the Juan situation, but that's just a part of me. For the most part, I'm pretty mellowed out. I'm not the most chipper person on the planet, but I don't go around moping around, or crying constantly. I have a "whatever" kind of attitude. Lately, I've been feeling like I've been crushed down to the ground, and that I'm being ignored - that nobody cares about me or what I have to say.

I'm just going crazy with my own thoughts.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

I was reading this one article on how the mall tricks you into buying things. It said that they place several mirrors to make you look at yourself. I ALWAYS look at myself in those mirror. Sometimes I say oh I look good, but MOST of the time I'm like, "Girl...WTF are you wearing?!?" So, yeah they get me! Way to kill my self esteem! lol. But most of the time I know what I'm getting, or I have specific stores in mind to visit. I'm not much of a window shopper because most stores can't cater to me.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of shopping lately, but not enough wearing. i have about 4 shirts that I have not worn, a skirt, a pair of sandals, jeans, jewelry, and a pair of leggings.

I always feel like I need new clothes. I get bored with my current wardrobe constantly. Once I get photographed in it I think its done for. If I wear a slightly old piece again...I see myself in a random mirror and regret it lol.

Sometimes I think that shopping has just become an addiction for me cause I always want to buy things...ALWAYS.

It's hard out there...?

Shit's getting Annoying

Ever so often, Jonathan tries to be my boyfriend again. He does it like 3 times a year, and no thats not what's annoying. He texts me EVERYDAY with "hey" and "How are you feeling" ughhhh annoying when you respond and then nothing. EXTREMELY annoying. So I went off on him the other day. I was ANGRYYYYY like no other. and he was like, "But I care about you" BOOOO.

In other news, Esteban has been off the radar for the past couple of weeks. At first I thought that he was dating somebody. And I got overprotective, and Angry as well lol. I was like how dare this new bitch take MY friend away?!? He's MINE! lmao. I'm retarded.

but actually he's like going through some family things...idk what.

Boooo!

I'm so sick of myself. I can't seem to be productive in any way. I'm feeling like the biggest loser on the planet. I don't even feel like finishing school right now. I'm burned out on life.

In 3 weeks, everybody that I get along with at work is leaving. I don't even want to stay there anymore. The job is stressful. Plain and simple. I seriously don't know what to do. I can't stop working because I will soon have a car to pay for, and I have to save up for India, and after that I have Shani's wedding thing. I'm just so...not into anything. I want to run the fuck away. I feel so ARGHHH!!!

I need to get away. I need to have a clear mind.

I was so...

I was so upset whenever we didn't speak anymore...like that. I would be so passive aggressive, and he would always reassure me that he wasn't fucking anybody. He would tell me to come over...and cook for him when he was in Houston. He would even give me a play by play...I never seemed to remember that when we broke up all he did was drink. He was ALWAYS drunk.

I regret not focusing my attention towards him instead of trying to have some bullshit ass relationship with Steven. I was a heartbroken sour person who thought it was easier to move on than to fix what I had broken.

I'm such a dumbass.

I hate myself.

I hate myself because I let all the crap thats happened to me, happen to me.

I have the conversation logs on my desktop, and I keep on reading them. I keep on feeling shitty, and I keep wanting to have him here. I am torturing myself all over again - reopening a wound - picking a scab.

I am so desperate to have some sort of communication with him. I want to know what he's doing, if he's ok, where he is. Instead I know nothing, and I feel like nothing.

Its so funny how my emotional state has revolved around him the past couple of years. Its embarrassing. My love life has stopped functioning. I cannot seem to generate feelings for anyone. All of them have been forced, or eventually forced.

I want to scream.
I want to yell.
I wanna cry my eyes out.

Stress Reliever

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately, like a LOT. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to really, and I think that makes it worse.

my ex-friend Joseph would always say that he was depressed and that getting a gf would make things bettter. I would tell him he was a dumbass and that getting somebody else didn't fix anything. I mean honestly, you will just bring the other person down with you. misery loves company.

I am by no means depressed. I'm just stressed like no other. I miss the sense of security that a significant other gives me. I feel lonely. I need attention. idk. maybe I just need to get things situated. blah.

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Nahhh...no!

I was just on the phone with Esteban...



A couple of weeks ago Esteban showed interest in dating me. I've been in that Juan-mode for a while so I kindly rejected him saying that, "It was too soon (2 months) since he broke up with that girl, and that I was too into Juan still. That ultimately, it wouldn't be fair to him or me." That was a half truth I guess. I honestly have no feelings for him. Don't get me wrong I LOVE him. Esteban is so sweet, so funny, SOOOOO patient. Actually, I think he is the most patient person that I know, and very mellow. He has the right mix to make any girl goo goo gaga - which he did for a long time.

He kind of avoided me for two weeks after that, with reason.

I don't understand myself. I KNOW that he's a good guy. I KNOW that he could possibly make me happy. He's like the PRIME example of a great guy. He's college educated, family oriented, hard working, loyal, sentimental and understanding, but still ALL man lol. I could go on and on about what's good about him. Even with all those qualities, I don't have much of an interest in being involved with him. A tiny, tiny, minuscule of me wants to go back in time to change it all. So, that I could have feelings for him all over again. So that I wouldnt obsess over Juan, and so that everything would be alright.



I was just on the phone with Esteban, and he said something really cute...and I began to flirt with him. I feel weird.

Dreaming of you

Since my dad kicked me out and everything, I haven't had time to be pathetic and depressed. IDK maybe its because I can't have my own thoughts here in my gmas house. I just am not able to think. Anyway, I haven't really thought of him in a couple of days which is a lot in CINDY-SPEAK.

I dreamed of him last night. The dream REALLY sucked. well not that much but I guess it was like my inner most feelings.

Dream sequence begins...NOW : I was with Shani and we drive up to his house. His parents open the door and we go in. His mom serves us food, and while we're eating he comes downstairs. I see him and I tell Shani, "He's HERE!" When he passes by I quiet down, and I felt so nervous. I dodge eye contact like I do in real life. He was only wearing black basketball shorts :). But he just passes me by to get a black sweatshirt, and walks back upstairs. He didn't even look towards my direction. In the dream I saw the disappointment in my face. I was crushed.

IDK...sometimes I feel like if he were to see me he wouldn't know who I am. He would pass me up in the street and not say a word to me because I am such a distant memory to him.

Hey, I hate you too!

I woke up this morning to a knock at my door. I yelled whhhattt!!! thinking it was my bro. When nobody answered I realized that it was my dad. He had that stank look on his face and he asked me for the key to the truck. I asked him, "Don't you have one?" and he said, "Yes, but I need it." I gave it to him thinking I was gonna go back to bed and be done with it. Then he handed me the keys to the car and the new insurance card - we had switched from Allstate to State Farm.

Then he said, "Just forget that my bank account exists and forget that I am you're my daughter. You could have at least let me know what you were doing before you did it" Which is true, but if you know anything about my dad, he will most likely give you a stank face and tell you NOOO. So, I didn't bother asking him to borrow. I was going to pay him back eventually - most likely when I got my fall return back. I told him, "I couldn't afford it" and he said, "Well, you should have gotten a second job" I am out of the house by 8 and don't come back till 8. There are NO part time jobs from 8 to 12, and then to have time for school things? C'mon.

I tried to get more words in and he was like, "As a matter of fact stop talking. You have been nothing but trouble since you came back. I have a CHILD to raise. So, as of right now I only have a son" I rolled my eyes, and stormed into my room. I was annoyed by the fact that he said, "I have a child to raise" PUUUHHHLEEEASE! My mom has raised him. He has just scolded my brother all of his life. Just because you pay the bills doesn't make you a father.

My annoyance soon turned to anger, and my anger made me cry. This is the third time he's done that to me. First when I was 15 when my hormones were raging. Then when I was a freshman in college when he accused me of stealing his money, and now when I owe him 700 dollars. Like get over your fucking self. I am 23 years old and I'm not gonna go chasing after his love and affection. He can go fuck himself. Then a year later he comes to me with some flowers saying that he's sorry. I don't think so.

Since he didn't let me speak, I wrote him an angry note saying that, "Since you care so much about money here's all the money I have. This is the third, yes THIRD and last time you tell me that I am not your daughter. Tuition was 3000 dollars, and I only took a third. Mom and I paid the rest. Sorry, I haven't won the lottery."

I called my mom and she was crying and crying. She accused me of making excuses to move out. She basically told me that she had wasted away her life with my dad and that I had to too. I guess she doesn't want to suffer alone. She then went along to tell me stories about how bad he treated her when she was preggo with me. Obviously he hated me since before I was even born.

So now I'm at my grandmothers house all over again. Of course history had to repeat itself. My g-ma is going to ES for 3 weeks. So, I'm staying here while she's gone. Then when school starts I'm planning on finding my own space.

When his mother was alive he would always say that she was greedy, and that she was money hungry - that that was all she was concerned about. It looks like the apple never falls far from the tree.

Apparently he didn't check himself cause he just wrecked himself.

Ding! Epiphany

I was on the road and I was thinking about my actions and why I am psychotic with some people and just fine with others. I figured out that when I am feeling very insecure, I act a damn fool.

I didn't act a damn fool with Juan because IDK. I always trusted him. No matter the situation I knew that he was loyal to me. Well, thats how I felt anyway. I mean I won't totally and absolutely know everything but I was pretty secure that he wasn't the cheating type or the type to fuck me over like I fucked him over.

Or another example - Jonathan I didn't even give a shit when he stopped talking to me cause well he was always friend zoned and we just "dated" cause I was bored and needed attention.

but on the other hand with Matthew since we were NEVER officially together I felt like he was going to leave me at any time. I didn't want him to go and as soon as I felt him slipping away I would go psycho. and thats also how it happened with Steven...by the end I was so insecure about him because he seemed so distant.

So...I guess when I turn psycho it means that I am insecure even though I dont really notice it until I am over and done with the situation.

Dreams Dreams

Christy and I drove to San Marcos last night. I couldnt go to sleep so, I woke up today at 750 am to drive to SA. I got dropped off at my aunts house where I took a nap.

I kept waking up and going to sleep, and thats at the point where I start dreaming.

I dreamed that I was in Northline (as a mall before it got demolished and rebuilt) and I was looking for this sex shop because apparently I was in need for porn. Why I didn't use the internet? idk. But the mall was different even more ghetto than it was. The names of the stores were spray painted in that "tagging" bullshit all colorful. The place that I was looking for was not there. I asked somebody and they said that the place had been moved to, "Baybrook, or willowbrook" then I asked, "Northwest?" And they said yes. I headed out the door and Esteban picked me up. Everything around me was cartoon-like, far from what reality really looks like. We were in a low rider car.

Then I get a phone call from Juan. It was like a movie I could see him on the phone as well. I tell him that I am going to a sex shop, and that I masturbate 18 times a day. He then responded, "thats really impressive" And his reaction reminded me of the old times. lol. But how would I even have time to do that 18 times? It would have to be an all day affair. I react like with this smug look on my face like yeahhhh I'm a bad ass (cause masturbation is a GREAT thing to waste your day on instead of actually getting laid) lmao. And Esteban looks at me with annoyance because I am talking to Juan - he WOULD be annoyed.

I wake up like somebody jolted me with electricity. My eyes WIDE open. I immediately get upset because the dream I was having with Juan is gone. I can't go back to sleep and continue the dream. I was even more upset because thats the closest I can get to him now.

I'm really grateful to Shani for the thing we did today. It was stupid I know, but I needed it.

I am watching Vanguard documentaries as I type this blog, and I am crying like a blubbering idiot. I usually just cry tears without a sound, but right now, at this moment I am crying with such emotion...& that its pretty lame. I don't know if its because I know that his house is less than 5 minutes away from where I am now or its because I'm just emotional. But when the fuck am I not emotional with this subject? This room holds so many memories of happiness as well as of despair. I want to stop crying so bad, but i CANT! I CANT! I just wanna run away sooo far so fucking far, and possibly hit my head on the way to nowhere so that I can forget it all.

Fall out of Love

As hopelessly psychotic as I have been over him, there's absolutely no way that I can just jump out of love.

I didn't wait around playing freaking yatzee by the phone waiting for love to call me nor did I wish upon a star for this gorgeous man to come and be the most perfect man there could ever be. It happened out of nowhere in a flash. It was a wonderful surprise that I didn't expect. Even when we were in the "friend" stage I didn't even think anything of him, just a friend. I didn't even find him attractive for some STRANGE reason. Love with him happened all of the sudden, and all of the sudden is how I will get over him.

I reading something the other day and it said, "You'll find another soulmate - once you forget about this one" Last summer I found somebody else and that was fine. Although, he wasn't my soul mate, I liked him very much. I even vlogged about being 90% over Juan. LMAO. What a fucking joke. I can't cover up a wound with a bandaid. I have to actually get over it.But how much time must I let go past before the getting over it crap begins?

When is the memory of him going to stop haunting me? I am sick and tired of crying myself to sleep because I can't have him, and because I will never get to redeem myself.

Some people say, "The easiest way to get over somebody is to cut all communications with them. Delete them out of your life" Ok...he's done that lol. He's cut me out of his life completely! I don't even know where he is, or who he's with. And to be honest yeah, its a GOOD thing - if you look at it from a certain angle. If he has a gf that he's so in love with - I don't know about it. But you know, when I think of it, my heart shatters, and then finely milled to be scattered in the ugliest of places. If I knew of this my world would come to an end. I would NOT be able to deal with it - not that I'm dealing with this fabulously. If I knew he was getting married, I would die. I would try to kill myself in so many ways. Ok. Maybe I wouldn't kill myself, but I would be so deep in a pit of despair that I would cry for the rest of my life.

All communications have been lost. Yet, I have not gotten over it. Instead it has made me insane.

I want to fast forward a couple of years to see myself free and clear of him. I want to be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, that was amazing, but now I have this great guy" or some stupid bullshit like that.

Juan was my "the one." So,there had better be more than one 'the one', or else I'm fucked.

Doomed and Unrequited

is the name of this blog I've been reading these past 3 hours. It seems really odd to be reading somebody else's blog especially since this is an older person's blog from across the world...Anyway, I saw a link to it from another blog. So, I was like why not. He had a couple of years blogging. I started from the beginning and now I'm in 2005.

He's married with children and in love with a younger woman. His wife knows about it, and I think they may have a troubled marriage. The younger woman, "L" has a BF and isn't really interested in him other than just being his friend - hence the name of the blog "Doomed and Unrequited" The blog has caught my interest because this guy seems to be genuinely in love with the young woman.

And also because he seems as obsessive about L as I am about Juan. At least he gets to see L around the office from time to time and hug her. I love how he cherishes the little times he's kissed her, or how he obsesses over her text messages. If my BB wouldn't have effed up I would probably read his texts all the time, know them by heart even.

Anyway, I haven't obsessed over him much this week. Mainly because I have been busting my ass to probably just failing this damn class anyway. I am so pissed because I had excellent grades. it pisses me offfff ahhh!

On another note, I haven't spoken to Esteban in a week. I am REALLY thinking that he is back with his ex, and he's running from me. He KNOWS that I'm going to give him shit over it because its stupid. The situation is stupid. The other night he called me, and he sounded weird. I asked him if he had been crying and he said no, but I mean c'mon what guy is gonna admit to crying? Then he told me that he had spoken to her. She told him a bunch of stuff, that he was a crappy boyfriend and so on ans so forth. he felt pretty shitty cause in reality I don't think he was. he would drive so far every week to see her. I mean to take that drive for 3 years would stress any one. He worked and went to school fulltime and thats not an easy task.

smell

is it weird that the movie theatre smelled just like Steven? idk why i remember his scent but that was it for sure.

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Nevermind

I filmed a just now, but as I was editing I noticed how pathetic I looked. So, I just deleted it. I rather be pathetic while writing than while you see my face.

I don't usually use my VAIO unless I need to download something or update my ipod. I was going to go through Juan and I's old conversation logs a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't. So, today I was going to update my iPod. I opened iTunes and I noticed that my bro had downloaded stuff without my permission. I got worried because if he downloads the wrong thing my computer will crash, and EVERYTHING will be GONE!

I decided to copy the log onto my flash drive and then onto Google docs for safe keeping. I read the whole thing, and I cried a couple of times. I would read something that would make me laugh and then cry about it because I don't have him anymore. Or I would cry when he would say the most beautiful things to me. it was AWFUL. I tortured myself the whole day. I couldn't even finish reading it. I'm such a baby. I want to keep crying, and cry it ALL out of me.

however, Crying doesn't help. I'm tired of being a fucking retard. I'm fucking exhausted. I need to get on another fucking train...not a man train but a different outlet train lol.

Long Lost Footage : Haterade

Long Lost Footage : Shopping Day 10/06/09

One more day

I wish I could remember how it was...just for one more day


Oh Eisley is one of those bands that make you all types of depressed. lol.

Stress

I've been really stressed with life lately. I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job at work. I am doing a mediocre job with school. My professor is such a bitch, and I WISH I had read all of the rate my prof reviews because they are all very true. She likes to be a bitch and be-little people. Just because she is a "doctor" doesn't mean she can trample over everyone and be rude. So even if I get As in all of the tests I will still make a crappy grade.

I want to graduate so badly. I mean it makes me wanna cry that I suck so much.

Now that Esteban broke up with his gf, I have somebody to talk to on a regular basis, but its just not the same. I don't have any feelings for him so the comfort that he provides isnt as good as the comfort that a boyfriend would provide. I know that I do not have the necessary time to have a boyfriend, or the patience for one, its still always nice to have somebody there that's into you, and will do things for you.

Meh...at this point I don't think I'm able to catch a guy's interest even if I wanted to

Yeah, THAT superficial

Don't ask my why I went to Steven's page today. I just like to be noseyyyyy. Anyway, I don't really look at his pictures. I mean I already know what he looks like...

Anyway, when we were together I gave him a silver cross. It was pretty bad ass if I say so myself. I was going to have it engraved with the word "mucho" because we used to use that word quite often when we would tell each other we loved each other. I didn't because when I was there I was informed that it would take up to 3 weeks to get it back. I think I wanted to give it to him for one of our anniversaries....anyway, I think that he stopped wearing it after we broke up. I mean I put everything he gave me in a box...and I have no idea where it is now lol. I wanted it out of sight. So, I guess I could understand why he didn't.

I think he started to wear a stupid onk on a string after that...which at the time pissed me the HELL off. I was like, "I spent money on that so that he could wear it! Maybe he should just give it back!" I don't think I asked for it, but I wanted to.

Back to the point.

I went to his more recent pictures, and he has it on. The most shallow, retarded thought came to mind, "Does he think of me when he wears it?" Isn't that the MOST shallow thought ever. But then I thought, "the only thing I have out from him is the black vase that I love, but I don't think of him when I see it unless I really, REALLY think about it" buuuuut then again I don't have it out anymore since I moved. Its in storage boxes like the rest of my crap.

One day

I wish the day would come when my phone rings, I answer, I say, "hey baaaayyyby" and Juan responds, "how are you pocket"

Yeah. That's not gonna happen lol. A girl can dream right?

I've been obssessing over him more than usual. Its ridic. Esteban says its because of guilt. Guilt that I can't seem to get rid of because for once in my life I had foiund somebody who cared about me like no other

Snap out of it

As everyone and their momma know, I am stuck on Juan. I go through the dumbest thoughts in my head everyday. I try to stalk him somehow...when I really can't...and probably never will. I never had the guts to pass by his house after it all happened. I would purposely try to avoid that exit at all costs.

I was speaking to Esteban about it, and he said, "I feel like you thought he was so perfect, and for once you were the one that fucked it all up. And that is why you are always beating yourself about it. Thats why you cant get over it. He probably wasnt as perfect as you made him seem"

He also made a valid point, "Whenever Matthew lied to you about something that small you didnt wanna speak to him again. Why was that? because you didn't love him. Maybe Juan didn't love you either" I never really think about that before and now that he brought it up its like a dagger to the heart. It didnt even cross my mind. Now thats all thats on my mind.

Stalker, stalker

I'm insane.
And
Also pathetic.

Ever since Juan deleted his myspace I had been on the hunt for his new one, or his facebook. I would always randomly look for it...then i'd forget a month would pass and I would remember again.

Just now I signed into myspace after like ages...and I thought of finding Juan. Myspace had no luck. I decided to try FB just for the hell of it.

Juan in houston?
No
Juan in San Antonio?
No
Juan in LA?
Nah just a cool photographer

Just Juan with no loc
Page one?
No
Page two?
Bingo.

Picture of him on a boat from last summer. Why do I remember that? Goodness...

Clicked on it...most private profile evar. Just picture and sex. No location...no nothing!

Ugh this is ridiculous. I keep on hoping that I get over this but I don't. Its stupid, and even more stupid. He's not a part of my life. He's not here. He's not going to be ever again. Where are my obnoxiously large pair of scissors to cut loose my emotional ties to this individual that more than likely forgot that I ever existed.

What a day

Today really sucked. I've been trying really hard to keep a positive outlook, but today just sucked. And maybe because I've been trying so hard to keep a positive outlook is why everything just seemed to blow up.

Work was really stressful and frustrating. The one kid that is about to burn me out really REALLY just didn't please me today. For a total of 3 grand hours. Makes me just wanna quit sometimes.

I went to school today to talk to a damn advisor. The nice old lady let me know that they don't let people walk in the spring even if they have 6 hrs left for summer. She also told me that I had to walk in December. Why the fuck would I want to wait 6 months? I know that I hate graduations, but its tradition. And I got really teary when she told me that. I'm gonna leave college without a celebration, you know? Nobody is gonna care 6 months after. Its not gonna fucking matter.

I fixed the truck, and bought a replacement tire. That's what I was supposed to do right? Well according to my dad everything I do is wrong. It doesn't matter if I fixed it because I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I can't stand his ugly looks and his stupid silent treatment. Its like I'm living with a child. Its so frustrating!

I dropped my check at the place where karen practices her dance. The dude said he found it but when my mom went to pick it up he "didn't" have it. Now I will most likely have an overdraft fee in the morning great!

The most frustrating part of it all is that I'm lonely. I have nobody to talk to about anything.

Same shit dif ppl

I was texting my friend just now. He just recently broke up with his bf. The story goes like this:

Guy gets with guy
They move in together
They live happily
Everyone thinks they're gonna last forever
Everything is cool
All of the sudden guy says, "this isn't working out"
Guy moves out
Guy starts dating other guy within a week

So, I'm here thinking that shit happened to me with steven just more fast paced. And I get everything he's telling me, "I loathe him for what he did, but I want him here with me. I miss him." That's exactly how I felt. I hated him I wanted him dead but I wanted him to come back to me.

I was crazy. Shit wasn't going to work out. He sucked, and I was crazy. So no...never.

These human emotions make us stupid.

I'm not...

I'm not going to think about him
I'm not going to think about him
I'm not going to think about him anymore
I'm not going to think about the way he looked
I'm not going to think about how I've almost forgotten the sound of his voice
I'm not going to think about how he used to cut his own hair in the bathroom
I'm not going to think about how he wanted an English Bulldog
I'm not going to think about how he was in love with his car
I'm not going to think about how I "shared" him with his "boyfriend" John
I'm not going to think about when he included the word "faggetry" into his everyday terminology
I'm not going to think about how most of his clothes were from Vans or skater stores I had never even heard about
I'm not going to think about how he got drunk and told me about 2 girls 1 cup and how I was then scarred for life
I'm not going to think about how he tried to make me jealous with random sonic car hops
I'm not going to think about when he wanted to buy these red rims from a 350z
I'm not going to think about how his mom used to cook him burritos and he burned himself because it was too hot
I'm not going to think about how "Reppin' my Block" came on when his alarm went off
I'm not going to think about how much I obsessed over his perfectly crafted cupids bow
I'm not going to think about how he made fun of me for laughing with my mouth closed
I'm not going to think about how I thought he was the strongest person on earth
I'm not going to think about how he would always call me at 9 pm
I'm not going to think about the size of his nipples lol
I'm not going to think about his obsession with sharing a snowcone
I'm not going to think about our plans for December 07
I'm not going to think about how he nervously laughed when he too said, "I love you"
I'm not going to think about how we said we were going to watch Beowulf, but we never got around to it
I'm not going to think about how I always thought we were the only two people on earth
I'm not going to think about how we had talked about the price range for engagement rings
I'm not going to think about how he went to Miami instead of Houston for my birthday
I'm not going to think about how hes doing now
I'm not going to think about how he used to respond to every text/call I ever gave him
but now he doesnt anymore so he must have gotten sick of me.

Sane or insane

Sometimes I think its healthy to talk to yourself - have inner conversations with yourself. And also I think its ok to have conversations when you're pretending to talk to somebody. Or maybe I'm just crazy but the Sims did it so I must be ok.

I do this a lot when I haven't had much closure with a certain situation or a certain somebody. I feel like when I poretend that I'm talking to them I let stuff out, explain myself or say something I should've said. I feel better afterwards, but then I do it again the next week. I usually di it wheb I'm in the car by myself. Peopl usually think I'm on the phone or something.

All I'm aying is that that's normal right? At least I'm not making up a fantasy reality in my mind and try to live it out every day of my life.

Now the emotions come?

Today, my dad arrived from el salvador. While we waited for his delayed flight I tried to down some yummy starbucks soy green tea latte and an expresso bar which I looovveee, but I couldn't. My stomach couldn't take it. I wanted to barf and shit myself at the same time. Gross? Yeah I know. Imagine living it!

There was a family sitting right across from us that looked like straight up monkeys. I know that it sounds mean but my bro confirmed that I was right. Then I looked towards their direction and one of the guys gave me the creeper smile. I was disturbed. I admit that I was looking mighty cute today, but ugh it was nasty.

We were waiting at the airport for about 2 hrs and my dad finally came. He hugged us and we were on our way. In the car he shared many stories and he told us how he felt. And I actually felt really sad. I didn't feel sad because she had died but because my dad was upset. He said, "I wanted to be there with her so bad before she died. I rushed over just to see her there lifeless on a bed. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt." I felt like crying...the car was very quiet. My dad and I are very much alike...so for him to say things like that...idk its hard.

So, when I got home I felt bad that I didn't have one picture of her with any of us. She wasn't very important in my life or even in Peter's, but she was in other peoples. And I get that. 

Get over it!

Fuck you dude

Roadtrip in 6

Last week

Last week, my grandmother died from colon cancer. She died in El Salvador. Idk how I should feel. Honestly, I feel nothing. I don't feel sadness or hapiness. Just empty.

My dad called me last Thursday to get him a ticket to El Salvador. He sounded distraught and like he had been crying. I felt bad for him. Its not cool to lose your one and only mother.

I came to Virginia for our roadtrip and I stopped by my aunt's house. My mom said that she had been majorly depressed. Especially since she cannot even visit her grave site. I know that if she could have traveled she would have. I didn't know what to tell her I just hugged her. I didn't wanna say anything at all. One word might have started a whole lot that I am not equipt to handle.

I called my mom and she said that my cousins have been crying their eyes out. I get it. They spent half their lives with her in the dirt and poverty before they moved to the US. They have bonds where I do not.

Our relationship was strained and nonexistant. So should my reaction or lack there of be ok? I'm glad that I'm not even home to be around everyone. They might regard me as cold or unemotional.

Idk that's all I have to say

Work Woes

This Again

2nd to 1st

Week Run

Title Fail par deux

I guess I've been slacking on the vlogs so much that I have forgotten how to do them...lol.

and damn it Blogger cut me off in the 1st part it was 11 min long not ten

Title FAIL

I slept for 13 hours last night and I'm sick. My cough sounds disgusting, but at least I don't have a runy nose.

Everytime I rush and eat my breakfast before class I feel so nauseated by the time I get to class. I have two tests Thursday and a paper due Sunday. I haven't started my volunteer work, and I can only volunteer Saturdays. I got one of my papers back from my class and I think that's the maddest I've ever been for getting an A ever. He said that it wasn't organized the way he wanted when I swear it was -5 for that and then he gave me a 3 out of 4 for my writing. Idk it felt like a slap in the face. Idk why I took it so personal. I should have used 10 dollar words. -5 for that too. Straight up faggetry.

I went to this ghetto store named Melrose today. I got this jacket from there last October that I really love and I was meaning to go back. I had some free time before I picked up my bro. When I walked in two chics with two sm children walked out. The whole time I was there I heard children crying. If it wasn't some chics kid it was the other broad's 2nd infant. I don't hate on the young ghetto mothers, if that's what works then its whatever, but I thank the inventor of birth control everyday for not coming up preggo in high school or after. With this ABA training though I think I will educate my child to be so smart lol. Let me cross my fingers.

Esteban called me on valentines day. He said he had a horrible one because his gf was throwing a bitch fit. I'm not surprised really. It happens nearly every other day.

My iPod headphones are struggling to stay alive but they are nearing their end.

I had to use a hair toner today and I got some in my mouth. It numbed my mouth for a good 30 minutes lol.

I saw Matthew again online today. Ugh. I need to delete him off my list or something. It irks me to see his name there. I can't imagine anything happening with him ever not even a friendship. So why does it bother me? Maybe I need to go to his house and punch him in the face. Yes? No...he's white. He'd probably file something legal against me lmao. I hate him.

I'm really digging this song
Letters from the sky
By civil twilight

Especially 0:48-0:59. :)
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Because its v-day?

I managed to go through today taking it as a regular Sunday, nothing special at all. I have like 3 vids that I haven't uploaded. 2 major vids I haven't even edited. Blah.

Anyway, today was pretty whatever. I made chicken and cleaned the whole house with my bro. My mind was occupied for the most part. I even laughed at the fact that one of my ex's status was all emo because he was alone on this day. Loser! Lmao

I signed on to yahoo and Matthew was online. Good thing I always sign in invisible. Lol. I don't want him to think that I was only online for him or that I wanted to speak to him or that I was online on v-day. Oh the multitude of crap that I think of. Lol.

I loaded a crap load of music on to my iPod, particularly Placebo. I've been listening to them like crazy recently. I'm in bed right now listening through one earbud since I always mess them up. So, I downloaded songs without pre listening. The third song on my playlist was the Romeo and Juliet song. Ugh. It upset me. Not because it was the Romeo song but because it was all sad sounding. Then of course when I'm all emo I think of Juan.

The whole "nobody compares to him" thing always circles my mind. My mind cannot wrap itself around finding somebody better or equivalent. It can't. Its not capable. This plagues me. I compare everyone to him. I forget that everyone is their own person.

I fantasize about how it would be to marry him, to have his children, to build an entire life with him. Pointless thoughts. Time wasted. I'm not ever even going to see him. I'm not going to touch him. Too much time has been placed in between us. Ugh. Sometimes I think that I should hire a private eye in a couple of years so that I can track him down and "bump" into him. If he's in Cali I'd ask Val to hook me up with a job at Paramount.

What I would give to be in the same room with him or to even hear his voice. I refuse to delete his number. I miss how he made fun of me for laughing with my mouth closed. I miss how we used to call eachother gay when we were sweet to eachother. I just want him to come back to me.

Ugh. I haven't gotten this emotional in MONTHS especially over him.

Blah. I need a delorian to go back to 2007.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Value Me

Blue Green

I want to make a video explaining life...lol how my life is great, but on the other hand it sucks.

I started school and I am actually attending. GASP!
I have a job that pays me more than my last one.
I can actually pay bills on time and have money to spend.
I've gotten back on track and have lost 4 lb in 4 days :D

I haven't gone to sleep. the past 3 days. IDK what keeps me going.
I hate school. For once I would like a challenge.
I haven't spoken to him in 23 days.

I was really tempted to not show up to school on Thursday. My second class was cancelled and since I hadn't gone to sleep I figured I would just pretend to go to class, but go back to slee as soon as my mother left. She didn't leave early like she was supposed to - So I just got ready and went to class. I actually enjoyed my first class. After that one I wanted to eat my lunch because I was starving but I brought no fork. An older man sat in front of me and he irked me. He smoked...and I thought it was REALLY rude. I walked to the Main building and went up to the library. I printed out all the slides that I needed for my first class, and the case file for my cancelled class. I headed over to my math class and realized that yes, that hoe is pointless. I made an A in an upper division math course. The room is full of losers and dumbasses. The math is 8th grade level at best. I grow ever so bored. The only thing interesting in the class is listening to this obnoxiously loud gay diva handicapped dude while he makes phone calls right before class about the stupidest things, and how he broke up with people and his binge drinking. Oh and Prof DeKorvin is French so it sounds interesting.

I went on an interview today...kinda sorta knowing that I was going to get the job. I did get the job and I am excited and scared all in the same. I really dont want to dissapoint anyone. These kids are different from other kids. The things they will learn are important simple life skills that they have to work 100 times harder than a regular kid. If he or she doesn't learn these skills - it will be on me. I'm kind of upset that I am getting paid 10...last summer she said she would pay me 12. All in all I dont care anymore really. If I would obsess I would be very selfish and idk...I am a selfish person and very materialistic, but idk. I'm just glad that I will be able to pay my own bills on time and not wait around to take my parents' money.

I got back on my diet Tuesday. I've lost 4lb already and I am proud of myself. This diet is simple. I need to stay on track, and not try to come off of it with temptations and such. Well, I already failed a little. On Tuesday, I was so ready to go to bed when Vanessa called me crying. We ended up having Margaritas and fried stuff. I would have lost 5? that would have been awesome.

Its been 23 days since i have spoken to him and I am going strong. I was watching 500 days of summer...lol No labels. Not having a label always sucks...for people like me. Sure, a label will NOT guarantee anything but its safer, right? I don't think I want to talk to him, but I am so weak that I would probably do it if the opportunity came about. i feel dissapointed like, "Oh wow, we could have been something great, but you had to go and mess it up for me"

Maybe I concentrated too much on the good parts that I didn't really concentrate on the bad. He always called me late at night...wtf was he doing before. When he called we would talk about nothing for about 15 min. He knew more about me than I knew about him. He stopped being sweet. He wasn't too sweet to begin with.

I really need to work on myself to attract a better pool of dudes.