And you talk to me about weird shit

Aaron,

you talk to me about weird shit and you dont expect me to freak out? Hummm yeah. i dunno what kind of shit you were talking about. who the hell is going to builkd a perfect human race? why the fuck were you talking about idiotic shit like that. and then you hang up onme because i dont believe what you believer. you wantto cure the world..thats cool, but dont control it. that would be impossible and stupid and you would be a dictator. Goodness sometimes you can be so hard headed. And whats this shit about breeding when the time is right? you cant, CANT program people to not have sex. thats way impossible. especially me...especially yourself you're like the biggest freak ever. Sometimes I think theres something REALLY wrong with you seriously. i guess maybe you were hit on the head or dropped when you were a child.

Doing a good job

Aaron,

So far since we got back together you've done a GREAT job. You havent fought with me and its been 4 days. ha isnt that interesting? You say the craziest things...you have such a broad imagination. Its kinda funny actually. I waited up for you last night. Why werent you at home? Fucker. I went to sleep at like 2 in the morning. ughh and the you wake me up at 12... thats not cool but its nice to hear your voice

Right Decision?

Aaron,

I dont know why I told you that I loved you when I really didnt maybe I just felt like you were the only one left to love me since Esteban is gone... I want to be loved so bad that i lie to you because i want to feel loved and i want somebody to tell me that they do cause nobody does. I have sex with you only to make you happy. i suppose its a give and take situation. i dont particularly like sex unless I'm in love and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that i AM in fact in love with you I just cant and i dont enjoy it. I know that if I was in love with you I would love it. You know why I know this? I know this because you make me really horny and wet everytime. You have NO problem doing that, but when we actually fuck I feel cheap. I feel as if i were selling myself. Before we actually have intercourse, you know exactly where to touch me and how to touch me. I love it when you finger me, and when you place your fingers somewhere else heh. But when we quit the foreplay, it feels awful. I want to cry everytime. Youre not Esteban! and you never will be. You will never take his place and I wish you would give up on trying to love me. You say you cant live without me but you cant live with me either. it seems like 70% of our relationship is only sex. You cant give me any kind of conversation. i have so much in common with you that i think we cancel eachother out. if we had the good things in common it wouldnt be bad...arghhh i dont know i guess i'll have to ride this thing out again.

Thursday may 2605 :1142

Esteban,

I guess I should have known that you werent going to call me again. Thats what You did the last time in January, "Uhhh I'll talk to you later," which translates into I gotta go, I dont have time for you. I cant believe your that way with me. Whenever you say call me...you call me weird huh? Youre weird, but your my bunny, and I will always love you no matter how much you ignore me. I want to get over you and I believe writing this will be theraputic or however you spell that. I dont want to keep on crying over you. Its been a fuckin year and I believe its time for me to finally let you go. I'm going to San Antonio in August, so I'm not even going to be in the city. It will be the start of a new life and hopefully a change of city will make me forget you because thats what i want to do. I want you erased from my memory. I cant have you dragging behind me. your memory only brings me grief and sorrow and it reminds me of how much of a dumbass i was to not put you first. I miss you so much and i always will.

Inside the same circle

I went back with Aaron...I dont know what to expect. I'm scared in a way...I dont know what to expect

Tomorrow is graduation I dont know what to say or what to expect i'm a sensitive person...i might cry or I might just not give a fuck. Eww I'm NOT looking forward to sitting next to big butt-pervert Serna or two faced Miguel S. damn their last names to hell. why did they have to sit beside me? WHY!!! hahaha. fuck it, its only 2 hours right? SO from what i heard Louis from middle school and Baldo and walking tomorrow hummm...hopefully they get their shit straight.

So I'm pissed off cause well after school i had an hour to kill and i was supposed to go with ana and vanessa but then ana r's clique decided to tag along and they rode with me. I got to red robbins where they said they were going. and theyre not there so i call them and theyre like we're at a n w on ella and 610 and I'm like huh? They totally dissed me. That was NOT cool. I had to end up dropping them off at bcw. I'm pissed. Thats not cool.

Thursday May 26

to my beloved Esteban,

I should have never mailed that birthday card. i thought i had the chance to talk to you again, thats why I sent it. You called me, I felt like i couldn't breathe. I was so happy, nothing could wipe that smile off my face. It was awesome. I hadnt talked to you since before my birthday in January. I felt really dissapointed that when I called you you back when you asked, you were "in the shower" Maybe it was that you didnt really expect me to call you back huh? yeah i figured. I never really called you, I see that as a form of begging. I wanted the spend the whole night talking to you. It was your birthday though. I would have never wantedcontinued you to not have fun that day. Since you said you got back home at 5 must have been fun huh? I wish i would have been there.

to be continued

BAD ASS LUNCH WITH THE BOYS

Today for some reason we had lunch with Dan, martin, Jermain (ghoss) hahah, and mendiola. Never in a million years would i have thought of doing that. I had a blast and I ended up seeing "liony bear" there he saw me.. I know but when I made eye contact he looked away...what an ass. I dont give a fuck though. he's looking hott. hehehe he has a whole grungy look going on. But anyways the boys made me crack up. Ana stole Vanessas phone...and Martin purposely acting slow. And the how do you kill a retard joke hahaha. man...i missed out by not getting to know mendiola and martin. Funny we hung out together in the same group for a year, but never talked. hahaha. well at least i gotto see what i missed out on...I will now miss them after graduation....Ohhh i'm going to cry its on Friday and tomorrow is the last class day!

Ended with NONE

So I talked to JR yesterday. he said "whats weong with you? what did somebody do to you? why are you so cold? you're not the same Cindy I met"
Doesnt that sound like deja vu? I was just in my I-dont-give-a-fuck attitude. I had just hung up with Aaron. So he told me..."you dont have to worry about me anymore. I'm leaving Thursday to mexico and I'm staying there for three months," and I asked why and he said, her per"there's nothing left for me here" that was a burn wasnt it? yeah it was brought on myself so...its whatever.i didnt feel anything towards JR except friendship. i could NEVER be sweet to him, even when he begged me to. Thats bad. he's better off without me.

Aaron called me before him. I really do think he's talking to somebody else. he's hung up on my like 5 times because his line clicks. Dont you think thats odd? Maybe it wasnt working with the out with the other person and thats why he was calling me. so yesterday he told me that if I didnt tell him that i loved him he would leave. And I didnt say a word and he left. he hasnt called today so that means he gave up. In a way I'm really sad. i want to cry, but only because now i know that nobody cares for me, nobody else is there for me. I'm alone again. I'm going to go crazy now...

Esteban...2 days ago last i heard. I want to cry...actually i did when I was talking to Vanessa about it. i think she noticed. she was like "are you ok?" and of course its no. How am i supposed to get over him? its been a year I've tried everything! NOTHING WORKS!!! AHHHHH!!! OK...NOW I'M SOBBING. I want to pretend that he's dead. I want him gone from my memories so bad that i'd rather believe that than him being with another girl. All the love i have for him is going to waste. Being produced but not used...cant get revenue like that I'm going to end up bankrupt... i already am. Its been a year and I cant believe that I'm NOT over him. Its one of those things that i am truly amazed by. I want him to come back to me, but its not possible. Theres no point now huh? I'm going to San Antonio, he doesnt seem to mind. That hurts...it hurts that he's way past over me. I dont blame him, I would be over me too. I dont understand what was going through my head and how i fucked up so much. gOD! HELP!

Dissapointed

Hey look it's a cow

I can't believe He called me that. I bet it was stupid girl that I'm not going to mention idea to call me like that...She's making her life bitter over that. I really don't care and obviously she hasnt looked in the mirror. Hahaha. I think she added "who's the biggest cow" question to her slam book to feel better about herself. but anyway She ain't really in my everyday thoughts she's not very important I just thought to add this to my blog since I forget a lot of things. It's just really amazing how he goes with it...when she ain't going to give him the time of day. That aint my deal. So I don't really care.

So I spent like an hour trying to pay for this stupid book and for them to find my cal book. Mr. Morris is so sweet he's nice... too bad I don't work in that office. He went through a big stack of cal books and made small talk with me. Man...I paid 41.95 for this English book that I only used for like less than 20 times. thats sad. That was supposed to be my refill money. damn it oh well. So now i owe Shani like 21 bucks. Ehhh... I have 4 more years to pay her back.

So I'm jealous of my mom. She has a brand new Toyota Corolla. Man...she deserves it though. Her camry was just not cutting it anymore. Maybe I can ask her to borrow it to take it to school tomorrow. God I just like to show off hahaha. Anyway...I just took a nap... I fell asleep without knowing. I guess I was tired from last night. I went to sleep like at around 2 for no reason at all.

Aaron is bothering me again. I want to say fuck off...but I want to hold on still for some reason. he keeps on telling me that he loves me and that he wants to marry me...I just want him so that I can show off...again. He's a good looking guy, very athletic. pretty skin color...pretty smile...nice face. Ok maybe to conceive a couple of kids hahaha he's good at that too. Just his attitude is so...so draining. He needs to leave me alone.

Esteban called yesterday, but i think I hung up on him. Its cause sometimes he mumbles and its kike huh? i thought he had said bye. but who knows what he said. ever since we werent together he's like talking to me just fine and then next thing I know he's like uhhh I'll talk to you later. I dont want him calling just to be polite. Its impossible for him to feel what he used to feel. and I've always just acted like a friend well...after the whole fiasco that is. I dont want to show him my true feelings anymore. Since He got together with Arlette, the slut back whore that hit him and quit him, I havent been the same with him. He even said it, "Why are you so different with me? Why aren't you being Cindy?" The answer was obvious, I stopped acting like the Cindy that was in love with him and went to the Cindy that was his good friend. What was I supposed to do? I was tired of practically begging him to be with me again. I miss that...I wish it was last year all over again knowing the things I know now. Things would be so different now.

Missing it all

No matter how long or how hard I try to stop feeling all this for him I can't. I want to be with him I wnt to love him and be with him and everything good. I miss him so much. i feel as if I cant live without Esteban. He calld me again today. It was just like a 20 minute convesations. I couldn't imagine how much I missed his laugh. I could cry of happiness and sadness at the same time. I miss him still i miss our 3 hour conversations. I miss him wanting to be with me those first months the excitement the EVERYTHING. I want to be with him. I want to be near him i want to feel his warmth. his touch, see his face. I want to be near him.

Virus

So my computer got a virus got what a bummer but now I have my laptop so its all good except that I was supposed to give my computer to my lil bro but it has a virus so he cant go online. so yeah thats why I havent added blogs.

Busy Busy and Busy

I pulled an all-nighter to do Frodine's project. Yeah...I did it and I slept 3 hours. From 2-4 and from 6-7 hahaha. I took a shower in between and my eyes were burning, but when I wokre up again I was working at lightning speed...shit i wanted to go back to sleep. And I hate it cause my printer doesn't work well, or something I don't know,but everytime I do a print job I have to restart the computer to do another job. That really delayed me like an hour...seriously. And then I wake up 15 minutes late (on purpose) and I had left everything ready except for the project I still had one more page to print out, i had fallen asleep while the computer restarted. Anyway I end up leaving the project on my bed. I was kinda upset with myself, and then I felt bad cause my mom had to come drop it off all the way over there. Goodness there was some slow people in front of me on the way to school and on the way back home it was amazing. I was afraid to fall asleep in the morning on the way to school. Everytime I got to a light I started nodding. and then the train was passing at Yale, so I really did doze off there. But then I woke myself up, i was afraid that I might let go of the brake or something.

So I guess now I'm feeling a little guilty over the whole Aaron thing, but on the other hand it was a good decision. I KNOW FOR A FACT that if I would have not done Frodine's project. Ehhh...I just miss Esteban with a passion, but you know? I haven't had any time to think about anything...My mind has been blank.

WOMAN DOWN!

Hehehe My dad bought a new tv cause the old on...well it doesn't work anymore. The new one was really big and heavy so all three of ur had to get it. I was backing up and I hit my foot against a brick...ouch I walk all cripple now. It Hurts...:( But at least I didn't fasll and scrape myself like I thought I was.

On another note...Senior picnic was fun. i really had a good time. We swam, we walked, we rode the train, I played v-ball, I got sunburned. I didn't dance...the universal hottie was dancing...he looked hot. But 'nough about him, let's focus on me hahaha how self centered huh?

Anyway So me and Aaron broke up...OHHH WHAT A SURPRISE!! HAHAHAHA yes I know I'm evil...muuuuahhhahaha. Well I'm part to blame I suppose. I kinda accused him of trying to be a rapist. Hahaha. Now that I think about it its kinda silly of me, but still I don't feel that confortable with him like that. He's the type of person who doesnt understand NO. Horny FUCKER. Ehhh...I should care more, but i don't. I'm too busy right now to worry about that...
AHHHHH!!! I haven't done jack shit for Frodine's project...its due Friday. I'm screwed. hahaha

SO Lately...I've been thinking tons about Esteban...I know...that's not good for me. I can't help it. His 20th birthday is coming along...next Saturday 21st of May. I need to go to Church. Yes...then everything will go away and the thought of Esteban will be gone.

Prom Night

So yeah prom night was awesome. We had a couple of difficulties before it all could go through. Starting with my hair...the lady did it wrong and she had to start all over again. And it still wasnt the way I wanted it. Anyway so I get to my grandmas house after that at 4:30 when I was already supposed to be ready at that time. So Roldolfo was there already anyway I drive there and I get ready or whatever then we're calling Shani and she's have faja problems. So she's in walmart getting another one. So we decide to meet her at Telephone at that Luby's and then she calls talking about that she can't make it in time. So we take off and its already 5:10 and the reservations are at 5:30 but they can only hold the table for 15 minutes and only John is there. So he gets really angry cause they end up taking our table away. And we're still stuck in traffic on 59. It was all crazy but then we get there and we eat this other place. And guess how much the check came out to be? 304 and some cents. I was like whoa! It was good, but the salad ewww that was gross. Good thing I didn't order one of those. So we get to hotel and we valet the thing we go inside check in and Mrs. Quelhorst come by me telling me I look nice. Like If I was going to forget how rude she was to me. Fuck that. Anyway so we check in and then everybody is like awww you look like a princess and I'm like awww. And then Nora was all being nice to me and I was like huh? but yeah she was probably saying ewww in her mind...I know how two faced she is but anyway. The dance was awesome a LOT of people were on the dance floor and the way the place was decorated, it was so pretty. Party 104.9 was there as DJ. That was cool. Universal hottie was dancing and I was like huh? I didn;t know he was the "dancing-type" he dances funny hehehe. Then i think he got off the dance floor brcause Vanessa was trying to harrass him. hahaha that was funny. SO we leave off to the hotel we go. SO we chill eat some subway and then we have our whino drank and we get pretty messed up we drink like 3 1/2 bottles and of that stuff and then a 6-pack of smirnof. SO we're pretty messed up. Brittany had a LITTLE bit and she's all messed up. That was funny. Vanessa starts calling everybody down her list. and then like at 4 I was laughing so hard and I dont remember what I was laughing about and all of the sudden next thing I know it's 10:30 in the morning. and supposedly Vanessa had been jumping on Shani and Brittany's bed and talking about bars. ahahaha. She threw up 4 times. and then she threw up once on a desk ewww...and all over her phone. ewww. anyways that was the night it was fun hahaha.

New Nail experience

So after that Spanish AP test that I'm really dissapointed in myself for, I went to vote for prom king and queen. I almost slipped on chocolate milk. I felt embarrased but then I was like whatever. And the nice custodian lady me regaño. Anyway so I voted for Rebekah cause well...I don't like Yesenia and I KNOW she doesn't like me. But Daniel...He's such a sweetheart. One of the rare people that I'm going to miss after my high school years...aww its almost over. Anyway then i went to do my nails at the new place in front of the neighborhood. It was so clean and pretty and it didn't smell like anything and the lady was so nice and she did a masterpiece on my nails. She didn't hurt my skin...for the first time nobody made my fingers bleed. And she was fun to talk to. They look awesome. And the soap dispenser was cool it was automatic. I was like wow! hahaha. Yes sometimes I am amused by the stupidest things. She asked me if I had a boyfriend and oddly enough I said yes, but i said it with such pride like as if I were proud to have Aaron. I'm proud to have a handsome boyfriend. Aaron...he's hot. He has an amazing body, and works hard for it. I'm proud of him for doing that. but we're not the perfect couple. and I doubt that we're compatible. We're too much like eachother to be together. But he's much more crazy than me . Anyway so it was like 23 bucks but damn it was worth it. UGHHH its was not like the place where I got my toes done. Ughh that place smelled weird and it was so dirty. hopefully I don't get fungus or something. I can't believe I stayed there. and then she was so rude to me. Stupid broad.

Then I went to return the necklace. I bought this other one at icing. The chic that helped me seemed so angry with hife. She was so broing. Then like when I paid she was like "don't you hate buying all this stuff?"and I was like "yeah...I don't even like shopping" which is a TOTAL lie hahaha.

So then I picked up my bro I watched jeopardy and oprah. I can't believe people get post partum. I dunno I'm sorry if I offend anybody but thats the white girl's disease. Or maybe its just that us hispanics just keep it behind closed doors...nah I doubt that. Then After Oprah I went to sleep. Shit Aaron is been keeping me from sleeping and then I have been waking up early cause of the AP tests. I missed LOST :( It was going to be a good episode too.

I still hate him

I don't know why I do this over and over like if I don't know whats going on. I keep on going back to him knowing how sick our relationship always is. I mean its just not normal. We bicker at eachother constantly. I'm so sick of it. Like last night He called and he sounded really upset and I asked what was wrong and he wouldn't tell me and then he startedtalking about his day and I was like cool you know? He said he went to apply for a job with this railroad thing I don't know. Pacific Union. And then he was like "I went to talk to my aunt (His aunt is like a witch doctor/fourtune teller/psychic) and I asked her about Monica and she said that she was pregnat" So like he was was really sad about and then I asked what he planned to do about it and he was like don't worry this is my problem. and then I was trying to get him to tell me what was wrong other than that and he wouldn't tell me but i kept on nagging him to tell me and finally he said "I just need a hug" and then it was quiet and then he said "I'm going through the worst time of my life and you're not even here to tell me that everything is going to be ok" and well I NEVER know what to say in situations like that. Anyway I couldn't go see him casue it was 12 am and my g-ma would trip over it. And then I was like I'm sorry but i can't cause well I couldn't. The times of me sneaking out of the house for stupid reasons not that that was a stupid reason...well those times are over. i don't need extra drama. So then he starts going off that i don't really love him and I'm assuring him and I keep on saying it and he was like "Oh so now its just a game to you?" and well I was laughing but its cause I wanted to be happy with him. So then the fucker gets mad and he hangs up on me.

Then I was so sleepy that I really didn't mind cause I was super tired. I fell asleep quick. Then who knows how long later he calls me back and apoligizes. And the fucker wants something that he promised he wasn't going to ask for. And I was really pissed off I said "I'm at my grandma's house, I'm not going to and you promised" and then he goes again with the "If you really loved me you would never deny me that" OHHHH LORD I was so mad. And he was in the "I'm going to kill myself" stage again. UGHH then he was just like whatever and he calmed down but he was really cold. Fuck it...I don't care. He's raising my blood pressure. when I fight with him I feel like my insides are at my throat its horrible.

I HATE HIM WITH A PASSION

So yeah i guess i've been dupped. aaron hasn't called its almost 11. I kinda want to cry. I'm getting teary already. I just feel so stupid. Eventhough I HATE his guts...I still care for that stupid fucker. Thats what hurts me. Oh no...I can't cry. I can't. I want to call him and tell him all kinds of bull but NO I'm going to stand my ground.

If a man is interested in you he will find a way to get a hold
of you

And that's totally true. If he wanted to talk to me he would find a way no matter what. I doubt he's been kidnapped...but what if he's gotten shot again. That dumbass always going into trouble. I just DONT want to be all worried and he's enjoying life with Monica. Shit FUCK HIM FUCK BOTH OF THEM...Nah...i'll still stress about this tomorrow probably.

AP Tests

So I'm feeling kind of nervous about tomorrow's AP test though I really don't care for it much since I'm only taking it so that I can be exempt from the Calculus Final. Hell no I don't know jack shit about calculus. Well I do now some stuff but everything half way. hahahaha. i don't care I just want to pass the damn semester. which I doubt that I will accomplish knowing that I have to get an A this six weeks in order to "break even" with a 70 average. HAHAHA and then french class. I think Ms. Holt is pissed off because only 4 of us are taking the AP French language exam. Its not my fault that I'm not prepared for that. If she knew that i was taking the Spanish AP she would probably be a little ticked off. And thats on wednesday ewww. And then nothing...and Prom drunkness here I come!!! hahaha I dunno. But then I REALLY have to study for the Government AP test for next week. Goodness I hope that i do good in that test. Thats the only AP test that I actually want to pass.

So tomorrow I'm getting my mani and pedi...I don't know if I should get my pedi tomorrow but i am getting my mani. And then I have to go try on my dress and I have to go take Ivania ring shopping and dress shopping and I'll probably take a look for a necklace. The one I STILL haven't bought. And Prom is Friday. And then Wednesday I need to lay outside to tan my discolored skin from skip day. Hopefully the do I have chosen for prom doesnt end up looking too scandalous. Well damn it i can't spell.

Goodness...I seem like such a loser that I'm still holding on to the idea that Aaron is going to call me back. That stupid fuck...now maybe I do hate him. Nahh Nahh I'm just really PISSED off. You know something just hit me. Maybe he's doing this to me to get back at me. NOOOO! I feel bad now. I feel rejected actually...I haven't felt rejected in a long time now. Well actually just leaving things as he said before...the part when he said he was in love with Monica and that he was going to marry her. that would have hurt more so his revenge is USELESSSSSS!!!! I dunno I'm acting crazy. Makes me not want to go to sleep. NO! I love to sleep. Oh hell nah I'm going to have to visit his ass and give him a piece of my mind and introduce him to my fist! Yes to his face. Its that he makes me feel needed and wanted...its not that i'm in love with him...I'm still debating that in my head and I rather not think about it cause then I get all confused.

Pissy Mood

Goodness I can't even much stand myself right now. Its like I want to bite somebody's head off. And i don't understand why I'm so mad. I think Its because I have a headache. and those...ugh cut my patience meter in half...and my patience is already low. so Ms. Pears made me go get an ID badge and ughhh I had my stupid ID badge in the car. I only have two fuckin classes today and she was my last one. Well I talked to that boy Armando. He's funny. He's 19 and a junior. thats sad. he was locked up at the beginning of the semester. i wonder what he did. I bet it was for posession. Either dope or weapons. That's retarded...Ok I'm not such a goodie two shoes...hell no far from it but i know what you should do to make urself better. Or better according to society's norms. So we were walking to the main office for an ID badge and he was like you're a senior right? and I was like yeah. and then I start babbling about how this is my last class and how it isn't fair and blah blah. So we go into the office and I dunno who to talk to. i always just seem to get away with not having my ID. so its this lady she looks mean. I had never seen her before. i think she took over the sweet lady that was there last year. So he asks for a 3 dollar badge and signs and then I sign and we're about to go and he's like Oh what about the package? and I was like ohhh yeah and he was OH I almost forgot that sucker. And I was like what? in my head that is. Its just really amusing the way he talks and his voice. its funny. So we're walking back to class and he's like youre going to college and I was like yeah ready to get out of here. Are you a senior? and he was like no and he shows me his blue ID badge (junior badge) but shit I'm older than most people here and I ask how old he is and he said he was 19 and then we just get to class and that was it. But it was weird he was like a gentleman. Which surprised me cause he talks a lot of shit about girls saying "my broad or my ex-broad or that slut" All boys in that class are gentlemen to me. Weird...The only reason people know me in that class is because Ms. Pears always refers them to me. I'm supposedly "smart" and I'm like I guess. I just like helping people. Hahaha no i didn't even believe that myself I like being smarter than people even if its just a bullshit class like that is.

Aaron is A Stupid Fuck

So I decided to go back with Aaron and now con lo que me sale. ARGGHHH!!! He doesn't even much call me. We got back together on Friday night and then he called me like at 1 pm on Saturday and I didn't really think that he was going to call me that day because it was his little sister's birthday party thing. But then last night he still didn't call me and it was weird cause I really shouldn't care, but I DID care. I kept rolling around in the bed thinking he's with that stupid broad. he's with her! He didn't break up with her! He's such a liar! And those thoughts keep on going round and round in my head. Now what am I going to do?

So JR...I was kinda annoyed that nobody had called me yesterday so I texted JR and I told him that I was going to go to sleep because I was tired of waiting for his call. And then he called like an hour later. See what I mean? I was like really tired but since I was rolling around thinking that Aaron was with Monica, I couldn't go to sleep. And then he apoligized and I felt like a spoiled brat. But c'mon I do have a right to say something...no not really huh? I have or should I say "have" a boyfriend now and I shouldn't be able to complain cause JR isn't my boyfriend. I feel so bad cause he REALLY thinks that he has a chance with me and he's a cutie, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is how attracted I am to his personality. And I know I should be attracted to him because he's such a sweet heart and I don't need to ask for more. But I'm NOT not into him. He calls me baby and sweetie and sweetheart and sunshine (I like that one). Goodness...I'm just not cut out for having a man. But if I don't I'll feel lonely. I don't want to hurt him.