Wedding

Shani got married this weekend. I had fun...it was cool, but there were a couple of things that I was not ok with.

1. Maid of Honor - I had the feeling in the back of my mind, and it was pressing me more and more as the date got closer. While we were in SA Shani kind of lost disconnect with her other friend, and well we remained the same. So, I guess since we lived far away this year, we disconnected. So, Friday during the rehearsal, it was made CLEAR that I was just bridesmaid number two and not "maid of honor," and I'm going to be honest it hurt my feelings. I mean, my friends can all have other friends. Of course life doesn't revolve around me, but for you supposed best friend to have another best friend thats more important than you is not cool. IDK it feels weird to be second place while you hold that person first. I was guessing SHE would me MY maid of honor, but I don't know if that is the case now. I know its petty, but...but I have no excuse for my way of thinking at this moment. I felt embarrassed, and I hated that everybody kept asking me, "Oh I thought YOU were going to give a speech" when I wasn't even given the opportunity to. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

2. Tennessee - I was anxious to meet the guys from Tenn. but I also knew they were WHITE. I have my white friends that I love. I think I've had more white friends now than I've ever had, but "new" white people can always pose a problem, and all minorities are aware of this. The hot guy's girlfriend seemed disgusted by the fact that we were "Mexican" which I am NOT. Its funny how I am so offended by being called Mexican, but not offended when people think I am Euro or Asian. haha its funny how people perceive me to be different race/ethnicity except my own. Anyway, the guys also didn't introduce themselves accordingly. Weren't they supposed to be southern gentlemen? So, it started off wrong. I was sure that I was gonna beat somebody down. It was just awkward. We gave them all horrible nicknames like boobies, and ball sack. In the end I only like two of em, and I still crushed on the cute guy along with the rest of the wedding party.

3. it was hot

4. Too many Amens - All of us could not feel our feet for the rest of the night, and I even switched to sandals.

5. That hoe bag didn't want to give me more vodka...what I bitch. I was like, "THIS BITCH MUST NOT KNOW ME!" lmao.

on the other hand
On the POSITIVE note

1. Pudding shots that we made were fucking delicious...omg!

2. I looked good in my dress, AND it didn't fit anymore - too big. 30 lb makes a big difference.

3. My makeup was ON point

4. Mayra and Allyson's makeup was on point because of me, and everybody noticed.

5. Shani was on point because of the dress I pulled...it def looked good.

6. The food was good, both appetizers and entree. I didn't have a cupcake cause I won't have bread...or I shouldn't but the bro said it was delicious.

7. Free booze. enough said.

8. nice scenery for candid and posed photos (was at marina/dock area)

Normal

I have lost 30 pounds, and I'm not happy. I know that I should be because it's a big deal. For some reason my mind doesn't allow me to be happy. If I said I lost 100 pounds I still wouldn't be completely happy. You know why? Because I will still be fat. FAT FAT FAT. I still won't be a normal person in society...I will still be fat.

I don't know what to think...and I feel like I can't talk to anybody because I just can't. It's hard to lose weight. There is so much sacrifice involved in it, and it's just rocky.

Idk...I missed out on so many things by being fat. I am upset because I can't have those opportunities ever again. They're gone! I'm just out there floating around...with no clear direction and no plan. I always have a fucking plan. I am lost. I am at a stand still.

I only blog when I am upset...I realize this haha. I do have good times...lol.

But back to the depressing stuff.

Maybe another aspect of not being happy with my weight loss is that I feel like I look the same. I don't think I look any thinner, or slimmer or anything. I look the same. I am not happy with making the sacrifices that I am making just so that the scale can tell me that I have lost weight but for my closet to tell me I am the same. It's just not right. Nobody has noticed...nobody has said anything. Well, except for Rebecca cause she WOULD tell me something lol she's just nice like that.

Ok my head hurts from crying and my eyes feel super dry...off to sleep I go.