At this point...i feel really stressed. I know I shouldn't. Its not as if my life is chaotic...or anything like that. Ugh...I just want Esteban to call me...I want to know what the hell I said...I want to know!
I want Aaron to call me...I want to know how he is doing, what hes doing if he;s ok, if he's having fun, if its beautiful over there...if hes lonely...I want to know so bad. I care about Aaron...
I just cant deal with this right now...I cant deal with it..I'm not crying over it. Crying...is something that I don't care to do anymore. I just don't have anybody to talk to about it. If I talk to somebody about it...they won't see it the way I see it. They wouldnt understand because they are not in my shoes. I mean it is quite complicated...how could I still be in love with Esteban? How could I still want Aaron in my life? its fuckin retarded!
I can't deal with this by myself...its so HARD for me to even write about it, but thats the only way I can express myself. I can't say anything to anybody and its KILLING me! I wanna scream! I wanna be able to cry...but it seems like an impossible task. I can't cry it just wont come out. I want some kind of relief...before I implode.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
Ahora Que?
So...I got REALLY wasted haha saturday...I havent fucked up this much in ages...
Yoyo and Mario were like lets go to red star, this club...I NEVER fuckin drive...and last night I drove; so we get to downtown and we park...we are so fuckin disoriented and drunk that we walk and walk and walk and NOTHING. then we're like fuck this shit...and we walk back...but cant find the car and the fucked up thing about it is that I dont have my car I was driving my mom's car. then...we find this other corolla and its not that one but we're so drunk and we're trying the keys. we talk to this valet guy and one of us asks him if he knows were we came from and he clearly says that we came from this direction. so...I'm like fuck...for him to notice us we musta been REALLY loud. we find the car...and we drive around and we see red star big ole fucking red letters.
We pass it up. I manage to parrallel park...I dunno how I did that but whatever. Mario was like go without me blah blah and then I cant fuckin find my ID I probably dropped it somewhere...then we're like fuck it lets leave...this homeless man was bugging us. Mario all of the sudden says, "I threw up" he threw up in my fucking mom's car I wouldnt have cared so much if it were MY car and he's like...I was banging on the door...when he hadnt even moved. He imagined it.
I drop him off ...he half assed cleaned the back seat and me and YoYo go to eat. I dont remember dropping her off or getting home. I just remember walking into my house and making a shit load of noise, and i think I threw up in the living room but Im NOT sure and then next thing you know it was the next day.but i had changed clothes and found my OLD ID. my mom gets the key and goes off with my DAD and brother to church and this boy scouts thing. I kept on waking up every hour to throw up. they come back and theyre giving me those evil eyes, but dont say a word
Last night my mom was like..."you left the back doors open, it smells horrible and they stole a hubcap off the tire.YOU TOLD ME YOU WERENT GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE ACTUAL CLUB!!!"And I WASNT but YoYo was like, "Cinders is going to drive" when I TOLD HER (while sober) that I DIDNT wanna fuckin drive!
So...I lost my ID, I threw up, my mom's hubcap was stolen, my friend threw up in my mom's car, all three of us peed in an abandoned building, we walked for two fuckin hours, my feet were black as fuck...missed out on these two hot guy's invitation to go to this other bar cause we were fuckin looking for the car, these waiter guys told us they could get us in if we sucked their dicks...
What had happened was...all these waiters...(I assume cause they were dressed in black with aprons) came outthe back door of somewhere...and then they were all peeing in assemble haha by the trashcan and my friend was like can you let us in? And then one of them says, "yeah if you suck all our dicks" and I was like..."FUCK NO I AINT GONNA GIVE NOBODY HEAD!" lol and we walked off...my friend was like, "you said that all throughout the night...and then YoYo would reply, 'fuck no we aint'" Some of them were cute though...but fuck no! lol
Ahhhh now my parents are PISSED off and the whole back seat is yellow-ish...I'm ashamed...I screw up a lot...I know that but shit...what if I would have gotten stopped...or something like that my liscense would have gotten suspended! So...now I say NO to alcohol...until special occassions..haha!
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That stupid gay fag German called me last night...but like the lil pussy that he is he didnt let it ring long...ugh he was probably the one that called me unknown the other day. What a damn disgrace! He's stupid and I hate him...i don't want to see him AT ALL EVER!
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Esteban called me today...from work...he DID NOT sound very happy. He sounded kinda annoyed as a matter of fact. I had called him Saturday...while drunk and I have NO FUCKIN idea what i said...I dont fuckin remember! I don't remember dialing! And I'm REALLY upset about it. There was soooo much of that night that ALL three of us dont remember.
So yeah I explain to him what happened and I was like, "All of us hadn't gotten drunk in about a month" and he said, "Oh You broke a record" Implying that I'm a fuckin drunk...which I'm NOT! I just happen to ALWAYS call him when I'm drunk...why do I do that!?!? I hate it...I'm scared that I blurted out that i love him...and well...thats like a BIG STRONG 4 letter word...you know? I dont want to scare him away...i dont wanna loose his friendship. He said he was going to call back but its 1 am. I dunno...I'm mad at myself in so many ways.
Yoyo and Mario were like lets go to red star, this club...I NEVER fuckin drive...and last night I drove; so we get to downtown and we park...we are so fuckin disoriented and drunk that we walk and walk and walk and NOTHING. then we're like fuck this shit...and we walk back...but cant find the car and the fucked up thing about it is that I dont have my car I was driving my mom's car. then...we find this other corolla and its not that one but we're so drunk and we're trying the keys. we talk to this valet guy and one of us asks him if he knows were we came from and he clearly says that we came from this direction. so...I'm like fuck...for him to notice us we musta been REALLY loud. we find the car...and we drive around and we see red star big ole fucking red letters.
We pass it up. I manage to parrallel park...I dunno how I did that but whatever. Mario was like go without me blah blah and then I cant fuckin find my ID I probably dropped it somewhere...then we're like fuck it lets leave...this homeless man was bugging us. Mario all of the sudden says, "I threw up" he threw up in my fucking mom's car I wouldnt have cared so much if it were MY car and he's like...I was banging on the door...when he hadnt even moved. He imagined it.
I drop him off ...he half assed cleaned the back seat and me and YoYo go to eat. I dont remember dropping her off or getting home. I just remember walking into my house and making a shit load of noise, and i think I threw up in the living room but Im NOT sure and then next thing you know it was the next day.but i had changed clothes and found my OLD ID. my mom gets the key and goes off with my DAD and brother to church and this boy scouts thing. I kept on waking up every hour to throw up. they come back and theyre giving me those evil eyes, but dont say a word
Last night my mom was like..."you left the back doors open, it smells horrible and they stole a hubcap off the tire.YOU TOLD ME YOU WERENT GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE ACTUAL CLUB!!!"And I WASNT but YoYo was like, "Cinders is going to drive" when I TOLD HER (while sober) that I DIDNT wanna fuckin drive!
So...I lost my ID, I threw up, my mom's hubcap was stolen, my friend threw up in my mom's car, all three of us peed in an abandoned building, we walked for two fuckin hours, my feet were black as fuck...missed out on these two hot guy's invitation to go to this other bar cause we were fuckin looking for the car, these waiter guys told us they could get us in if we sucked their dicks...
What had happened was...all these waiters...(I assume cause they were dressed in black with aprons) came outthe back door of somewhere...and then they were all peeing in assemble haha by the trashcan and my friend was like can you let us in? And then one of them says, "yeah if you suck all our dicks" and I was like..."FUCK NO I AINT GONNA GIVE NOBODY HEAD!" lol and we walked off...my friend was like, "you said that all throughout the night...and then YoYo would reply, 'fuck no we aint'" Some of them were cute though...but fuck no! lol
Ahhhh now my parents are PISSED off and the whole back seat is yellow-ish...I'm ashamed...I screw up a lot...I know that but shit...what if I would have gotten stopped...or something like that my liscense would have gotten suspended! So...now I say NO to alcohol...until special occassions..haha!
--------------------
That stupid gay fag German called me last night...but like the lil pussy that he is he didnt let it ring long...ugh he was probably the one that called me unknown the other day. What a damn disgrace! He's stupid and I hate him...i don't want to see him AT ALL EVER!
-----------------
Esteban called me today...from work...he DID NOT sound very happy. He sounded kinda annoyed as a matter of fact. I had called him Saturday...while drunk and I have NO FUCKIN idea what i said...I dont fuckin remember! I don't remember dialing! And I'm REALLY upset about it. There was soooo much of that night that ALL three of us dont remember.
So yeah I explain to him what happened and I was like, "All of us hadn't gotten drunk in about a month" and he said, "Oh You broke a record" Implying that I'm a fuckin drunk...which I'm NOT! I just happen to ALWAYS call him when I'm drunk...why do I do that!?!? I hate it...I'm scared that I blurted out that i love him...and well...thats like a BIG STRONG 4 letter word...you know? I dont want to scare him away...i dont wanna loose his friendship. He said he was going to call back but its 1 am. I dunno...I'm mad at myself in so many ways.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
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