I was so...

I was so upset whenever we didn't speak anymore...like that. I would be so passive aggressive, and he would always reassure me that he wasn't fucking anybody. He would tell me to come over...and cook for him when he was in Houston. He would even give me a play by play...I never seemed to remember that when we broke up all he did was drink. He was ALWAYS drunk.

I regret not focusing my attention towards him instead of trying to have some bullshit ass relationship with Steven. I was a heartbroken sour person who thought it was easier to move on than to fix what I had broken.

I'm such a dumbass.

I hate myself.

I hate myself because I let all the crap thats happened to me, happen to me.

I have the conversation logs on my desktop, and I keep on reading them. I keep on feeling shitty, and I keep wanting to have him here. I am torturing myself all over again - reopening a wound - picking a scab.

I am so desperate to have some sort of communication with him. I want to know what he's doing, if he's ok, where he is. Instead I know nothing, and I feel like nothing.

Its so funny how my emotional state has revolved around him the past couple of years. Its embarrassing. My love life has stopped functioning. I cannot seem to generate feelings for anyone. All of them have been forced, or eventually forced.

I want to scream.
I want to yell.
I wanna cry my eyes out.

Stress Reliever

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately, like a LOT. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have no one to talk to really, and I think that makes it worse.

my ex-friend Joseph would always say that he was depressed and that getting a gf would make things bettter. I would tell him he was a dumbass and that getting somebody else didn't fix anything. I mean honestly, you will just bring the other person down with you. misery loves company.

I am by no means depressed. I'm just stressed like no other. I miss the sense of security that a significant other gives me. I feel lonely. I need attention. idk. maybe I just need to get things situated. blah.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

Nahhh...no!

I was just on the phone with Esteban...



A couple of weeks ago Esteban showed interest in dating me. I've been in that Juan-mode for a while so I kindly rejected him saying that, "It was too soon (2 months) since he broke up with that girl, and that I was too into Juan still. That ultimately, it wouldn't be fair to him or me." That was a half truth I guess. I honestly have no feelings for him. Don't get me wrong I LOVE him. Esteban is so sweet, so funny, SOOOOO patient. Actually, I think he is the most patient person that I know, and very mellow. He has the right mix to make any girl goo goo gaga - which he did for a long time.

He kind of avoided me for two weeks after that, with reason.

I don't understand myself. I KNOW that he's a good guy. I KNOW that he could possibly make me happy. He's like the PRIME example of a great guy. He's college educated, family oriented, hard working, loyal, sentimental and understanding, but still ALL man lol. I could go on and on about what's good about him. Even with all those qualities, I don't have much of an interest in being involved with him. A tiny, tiny, minuscule of me wants to go back in time to change it all. So, that I could have feelings for him all over again. So that I wouldnt obsess over Juan, and so that everything would be alright.



I was just on the phone with Esteban, and he said something really cute...and I began to flirt with him. I feel weird.

Dreaming of you

Since my dad kicked me out and everything, I haven't had time to be pathetic and depressed. IDK maybe its because I can't have my own thoughts here in my gmas house. I just am not able to think. Anyway, I haven't really thought of him in a couple of days which is a lot in CINDY-SPEAK.

I dreamed of him last night. The dream REALLY sucked. well not that much but I guess it was like my inner most feelings.

Dream sequence begins...NOW : I was with Shani and we drive up to his house. His parents open the door and we go in. His mom serves us food, and while we're eating he comes downstairs. I see him and I tell Shani, "He's HERE!" When he passes by I quiet down, and I felt so nervous. I dodge eye contact like I do in real life. He was only wearing black basketball shorts :). But he just passes me by to get a black sweatshirt, and walks back upstairs. He didn't even look towards my direction. In the dream I saw the disappointment in my face. I was crushed.

IDK...sometimes I feel like if he were to see me he wouldn't know who I am. He would pass me up in the street and not say a word to me because I am such a distant memory to him.

Hey, I hate you too!

I woke up this morning to a knock at my door. I yelled whhhattt!!! thinking it was my bro. When nobody answered I realized that it was my dad. He had that stank look on his face and he asked me for the key to the truck. I asked him, "Don't you have one?" and he said, "Yes, but I need it." I gave it to him thinking I was gonna go back to bed and be done with it. Then he handed me the keys to the car and the new insurance card - we had switched from Allstate to State Farm.

Then he said, "Just forget that my bank account exists and forget that I am you're my daughter. You could have at least let me know what you were doing before you did it" Which is true, but if you know anything about my dad, he will most likely give you a stank face and tell you NOOO. So, I didn't bother asking him to borrow. I was going to pay him back eventually - most likely when I got my fall return back. I told him, "I couldn't afford it" and he said, "Well, you should have gotten a second job" I am out of the house by 8 and don't come back till 8. There are NO part time jobs from 8 to 12, and then to have time for school things? C'mon.

I tried to get more words in and he was like, "As a matter of fact stop talking. You have been nothing but trouble since you came back. I have a CHILD to raise. So, as of right now I only have a son" I rolled my eyes, and stormed into my room. I was annoyed by the fact that he said, "I have a child to raise" PUUUHHHLEEEASE! My mom has raised him. He has just scolded my brother all of his life. Just because you pay the bills doesn't make you a father.

My annoyance soon turned to anger, and my anger made me cry. This is the third time he's done that to me. First when I was 15 when my hormones were raging. Then when I was a freshman in college when he accused me of stealing his money, and now when I owe him 700 dollars. Like get over your fucking self. I am 23 years old and I'm not gonna go chasing after his love and affection. He can go fuck himself. Then a year later he comes to me with some flowers saying that he's sorry. I don't think so.

Since he didn't let me speak, I wrote him an angry note saying that, "Since you care so much about money here's all the money I have. This is the third, yes THIRD and last time you tell me that I am not your daughter. Tuition was 3000 dollars, and I only took a third. Mom and I paid the rest. Sorry, I haven't won the lottery."

I called my mom and she was crying and crying. She accused me of making excuses to move out. She basically told me that she had wasted away her life with my dad and that I had to too. I guess she doesn't want to suffer alone. She then went along to tell me stories about how bad he treated her when she was preggo with me. Obviously he hated me since before I was even born.

So now I'm at my grandmothers house all over again. Of course history had to repeat itself. My g-ma is going to ES for 3 weeks. So, I'm staying here while she's gone. Then when school starts I'm planning on finding my own space.

When his mother was alive he would always say that she was greedy, and that she was money hungry - that that was all she was concerned about. It looks like the apple never falls far from the tree.

Apparently he didn't check himself cause he just wrecked himself.

Ding! Epiphany

I was on the road and I was thinking about my actions and why I am psychotic with some people and just fine with others. I figured out that when I am feeling very insecure, I act a damn fool.

I didn't act a damn fool with Juan because IDK. I always trusted him. No matter the situation I knew that he was loyal to me. Well, thats how I felt anyway. I mean I won't totally and absolutely know everything but I was pretty secure that he wasn't the cheating type or the type to fuck me over like I fucked him over.

Or another example - Jonathan I didn't even give a shit when he stopped talking to me cause well he was always friend zoned and we just "dated" cause I was bored and needed attention.

but on the other hand with Matthew since we were NEVER officially together I felt like he was going to leave me at any time. I didn't want him to go and as soon as I felt him slipping away I would go psycho. and thats also how it happened with Steven...by the end I was so insecure about him because he seemed so distant.

So...I guess when I turn psycho it means that I am insecure even though I dont really notice it until I am over and done with the situation.

Dreams Dreams

Christy and I drove to San Marcos last night. I couldnt go to sleep so, I woke up today at 750 am to drive to SA. I got dropped off at my aunts house where I took a nap.

I kept waking up and going to sleep, and thats at the point where I start dreaming.

I dreamed that I was in Northline (as a mall before it got demolished and rebuilt) and I was looking for this sex shop because apparently I was in need for porn. Why I didn't use the internet? idk. But the mall was different even more ghetto than it was. The names of the stores were spray painted in that "tagging" bullshit all colorful. The place that I was looking for was not there. I asked somebody and they said that the place had been moved to, "Baybrook, or willowbrook" then I asked, "Northwest?" And they said yes. I headed out the door and Esteban picked me up. Everything around me was cartoon-like, far from what reality really looks like. We were in a low rider car.

Then I get a phone call from Juan. It was like a movie I could see him on the phone as well. I tell him that I am going to a sex shop, and that I masturbate 18 times a day. He then responded, "thats really impressive" And his reaction reminded me of the old times. lol. But how would I even have time to do that 18 times? It would have to be an all day affair. I react like with this smug look on my face like yeahhhh I'm a bad ass (cause masturbation is a GREAT thing to waste your day on instead of actually getting laid) lmao. And Esteban looks at me with annoyance because I am talking to Juan - he WOULD be annoyed.

I wake up like somebody jolted me with electricity. My eyes WIDE open. I immediately get upset because the dream I was having with Juan is gone. I can't go back to sleep and continue the dream. I was even more upset because thats the closest I can get to him now.

I'm really grateful to Shani for the thing we did today. It was stupid I know, but I needed it.

I am watching Vanguard documentaries as I type this blog, and I am crying like a blubbering idiot. I usually just cry tears without a sound, but right now, at this moment I am crying with such emotion...& that its pretty lame. I don't know if its because I know that his house is less than 5 minutes away from where I am now or its because I'm just emotional. But when the fuck am I not emotional with this subject? This room holds so many memories of happiness as well as of despair. I want to stop crying so bad, but i CANT! I CANT! I just wanna run away sooo far so fucking far, and possibly hit my head on the way to nowhere so that I can forget it all.

Fall out of Love

As hopelessly psychotic as I have been over him, there's absolutely no way that I can just jump out of love.

I didn't wait around playing freaking yatzee by the phone waiting for love to call me nor did I wish upon a star for this gorgeous man to come and be the most perfect man there could ever be. It happened out of nowhere in a flash. It was a wonderful surprise that I didn't expect. Even when we were in the "friend" stage I didn't even think anything of him, just a friend. I didn't even find him attractive for some STRANGE reason. Love with him happened all of the sudden, and all of the sudden is how I will get over him.

I reading something the other day and it said, "You'll find another soulmate - once you forget about this one" Last summer I found somebody else and that was fine. Although, he wasn't my soul mate, I liked him very much. I even vlogged about being 90% over Juan. LMAO. What a fucking joke. I can't cover up a wound with a bandaid. I have to actually get over it.But how much time must I let go past before the getting over it crap begins?

When is the memory of him going to stop haunting me? I am sick and tired of crying myself to sleep because I can't have him, and because I will never get to redeem myself.

Some people say, "The easiest way to get over somebody is to cut all communications with them. Delete them out of your life" Ok...he's done that lol. He's cut me out of his life completely! I don't even know where he is, or who he's with. And to be honest yeah, its a GOOD thing - if you look at it from a certain angle. If he has a gf that he's so in love with - I don't know about it. But you know, when I think of it, my heart shatters, and then finely milled to be scattered in the ugliest of places. If I knew of this my world would come to an end. I would NOT be able to deal with it - not that I'm dealing with this fabulously. If I knew he was getting married, I would die. I would try to kill myself in so many ways. Ok. Maybe I wouldn't kill myself, but I would be so deep in a pit of despair that I would cry for the rest of my life.

All communications have been lost. Yet, I have not gotten over it. Instead it has made me insane.

I want to fast forward a couple of years to see myself free and clear of him. I want to be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, that was amazing, but now I have this great guy" or some stupid bullshit like that.

Juan was my "the one." So,there had better be more than one 'the one', or else I'm fucked.

Doomed and Unrequited

is the name of this blog I've been reading these past 3 hours. It seems really odd to be reading somebody else's blog especially since this is an older person's blog from across the world...Anyway, I saw a link to it from another blog. So, I was like why not. He had a couple of years blogging. I started from the beginning and now I'm in 2005.

He's married with children and in love with a younger woman. His wife knows about it, and I think they may have a troubled marriage. The younger woman, "L" has a BF and isn't really interested in him other than just being his friend - hence the name of the blog "Doomed and Unrequited" The blog has caught my interest because this guy seems to be genuinely in love with the young woman.

And also because he seems as obsessive about L as I am about Juan. At least he gets to see L around the office from time to time and hug her. I love how he cherishes the little times he's kissed her, or how he obsesses over her text messages. If my BB wouldn't have effed up I would probably read his texts all the time, know them by heart even.

Anyway, I haven't obsessed over him much this week. Mainly because I have been busting my ass to probably just failing this damn class anyway. I am so pissed because I had excellent grades. it pisses me offfff ahhh!

On another note, I haven't spoken to Esteban in a week. I am REALLY thinking that he is back with his ex, and he's running from me. He KNOWS that I'm going to give him shit over it because its stupid. The situation is stupid. The other night he called me, and he sounded weird. I asked him if he had been crying and he said no, but I mean c'mon what guy is gonna admit to crying? Then he told me that he had spoken to her. She told him a bunch of stuff, that he was a crappy boyfriend and so on ans so forth. he felt pretty shitty cause in reality I don't think he was. he would drive so far every week to see her. I mean to take that drive for 3 years would stress any one. He worked and went to school fulltime and thats not an easy task.