Can

Can't Say...

Aaron called me on Saturday. it fel so good to FINALLY hear his voice after all this time. I can't possibly say that I don't love him because c'mon Aaron...he's the guy i was going to marry...the guy that gave my all to...my mind, my body, my spirit, my love. I love my honey.

He's so cute...see<<<<

He told me that he missed me. He thought that he wasnt ever going to talk to me again...yeah. i suppose I gave him that impression. lol...when he said he missed me...I didn't say anything back. He was like, "yeah I said it!" another...silence "Cricket, cricket"

The call was cut short...I don't know what happened but yeah...I love AARON! I can't deny it...

Loud Piter Pater

My heart was racing, I could feel it go into mythats. I put my hand on my chest and I could feel like beating fast. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Aaron replied.

He wrote

hey sup im doing ok i guess they are sending me to italy in oct to air assault
school for like 3 weeks so ima have fun with that otha than that i really miss
everyone back home im getting a house phone here maybe i can get it to ya but
yeah oh and we might deploy sometime within the next year to somwhere but oh
well ttyl

I know it isnt much, but its something.

Taure decided to acknowledge my existance...I saw him last night at the gym. I froze and made a mad dash for the MF door hahaha.

Yeah, I Should

I was talking to Ana about what had happened with Aaron today. And She said, get over it. I know in my heart of hearts that i SHOULD just make and ugly face and move along (haha inside joke). Its hard...I can't really do this on my own. Gosh, i dont KNOW who can really help me through this. It is completly awful to keep on living the way I am. I need to allow myself to find some type of way to look past it all.

Like today...today was an awesome day. Shani and I went shopping at San Marcos and then went to Olive Garden. It was a really good day! Seriously! But when I come back to my room, when I am alone here at nights, Aaron is ALL I think about. This ISNT good, and I know it. I KNOW that I am doing so much damage to myself, to my soul.

Love is gay...how could I still be? I should be like, NO! You DONT WIN! YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! I REFUSE! But I'm tied down...I can't lift myself up. I wish I could control it all, my feelings, my judgements, my perception of what was and what isn't. I need it to be put in big bold black letters, to be put on billboard, highlighted, displayed with lights, SOMETHING HUGE so that i can snap into fucking...realizing shit that I should ALREADY FUCKING KNOW!

Then i can say, Fuck You Aaron! You stopped loving me after...April of this year, SO CAN I!

Fuck You, Esteban! Will You ever fuckin realize how great a girl I am, and stop dating cheating losers!

Fuck You, German! You're not even half the man you think you are! Grow up!

Fuck You, Taure! How dare you forget about the good times?! How dare you forget that we were friends?!?

I sent it for a reason!

I sent Aaron a message on MySpace...telling him Happy Birthday. There's nothing wrong with saying happy Birthday right? I sent him the message on the 28th, and the next time he signed was the 31st. I went to my "Sent" folder and it says that it HASNT been read.

Did he delete it and not even read it?

Did he just over look it?

AH! What an ass hole! I'm PISSED!