Yes, I love him

Sometimes i think that I like to procrastinate just cause. I'm really tired...I want to go to sleep...and say fuck you final! lol but no, I cant. I need to pass, but I have made no attempt to REALLY study. I need an A on this final to get a B in the class...blah! I hate this MFing class and the stupid final should have been earlier so I could just get the fuck outta here already! I need to pick up some coffee before I leave cause I'm going to be so sleepy by 11. I think I should stop by my grandma's first, since I heard she wasn't able to walk earlier this week. That worries me...I mean, shes a healthy woman, but she's getting close to 60. She better make it to see me and Aaron's kids. She will, she will.

I was thinking a LOT about Aaron. I know that I want to be with him...I love him, but I don't want to leave my family. I dont want to stop going to school. I want to get married...that would be so great. I want to have a family, but thats a problem. First, i won't be able to finish school, or if I do, i would have to go back home. Then, Aaron will be in Germany and he wont be able to see our kid grow up or help me in those long nights. At this point, i know that i can't be without Aaron. Its like we've been together for this whole time and we've been too strong for too long, and we CAN'T be without eachother.

This has been my longest relationship 1 year and 3 months...wow. I'm surprised. It feels way longer. I mean of course it isnt like a 5 year relationship or whatever, but i know that I LOVE him. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH! I can't let a whole ocean to be between us! I dont know what I'm going to do. I have to talk to him about it.

Last Day

Last nightwas the last night that we were going to be here for the semester. We were all like...aww we're going to miss being here and the outings to Antro and other random clubs. The independence that we have here is priceless. But all things have to come to an end at some point right? Well we'll be back here next semester. 4 weeks and 5 days away. We exchanged gifts and I made dinner! YAY! lol it came out good I promise! We were stuffed...then we had cookies and hot chocolate...mmm... yummy! I should be studying right now cause I have a final in like 6hours, but dammit! I dont wanna study!

Aaron called earlier like at 1130 and he sounded all sad...He was telling me how his brigade is going to Germany in August and staying there for about 2 years. He was like, "I dont mind going to Germany. They told me it was going to be nice there, but I'm going to be so far from you." Then he was like, "I just wanted to call you cause I wanted to tell you I loved you and shit. (how romantic hahaha) I'll talk to you tomorrow" I was going to cry a little...I got a little teary, but nothing came out. Good thing...

He called later and said, "I was just calling to tell you that I'm going to call you later. Ok babe? Cause I dont want you to fall asleep" HA! its 350 and he still hasnt called...ehhh whatever. he'll call tomorrow I'm sure.

Then I told my friend Andrew about it and he got all pissed off. I was like WTF? I've been thinking that he liked me, but damn. He has a gf, and that would be weird. Though, I do look way better than his gf, but they live together. And he was like he's just going to up and leave again.

I cant resist

Aaron I. called this morning at around 5. He's in Washington already...long away from me. I thought he was in DC...i could have probably seen him for new years if he was in DC since I'm going up to Virginia. But he called me from a 703 area code which is DC/Virginia. I recognize it cause its where my fam is at. I can't be mad at him...i guess love works that way. I love him...I always have, I always will.

He wants me to ditch the trip to Virginia and go up to washington instead. I cant possibly do that. He's just trying to make up for the mess we made while he was on leave. He said that he was trying to make me jealous cause I was being a bitch...which was true I was being a bitch. And well he succeeded at making me jealous! he said that there was no girl. And that he didnt call again cause he said I was being a bitch and mean...which was true. lol I was...

So then I told him how he fucked up my plan...he didnt know anything about it. So I guess I was in the wrong there. he was like, "You had my number. Why didnt you call? It would have been an honor...blah" So then he started crying...I felt bad. i didnt cry with him...why should I? I cried enough. So yeah...he says I'm still his girlfriend...

I was out with my mom and my aunt today...we ate at Jim's...ewww. But anyway, I was telling mom how Aaron had called and he was like wow! lol And then my aunt was like ohhh thats the guy you were going to marry??? And I'm like...what? I didnt tell you about this. Grandma did...blah why did she tell her? She's like the biggest gossip of the family.

Crushed/Crush

The time I was talking about the last entry...oh what a dissapointment. Aaron left without saying goodbye to me. So...as of last Sunday, we're not together anymore. I'm so hurt...I'm not STUPID! Does he think that I've never had friends that were in the military...Even if they werein the military they would find time to talk to me, me of all people you know? I'm not even much family. So I'm not taking that, I'm-not-able-to-talk-to-you bullshit. If he were already in Iraq it would be a different story but the fucker is up north...i forgot where lol.

=========

I have a crush on somebody...lol weirdest thing ever. His name...lol same one. Younger though...he knows some guy I used to have class with, which i used to have a crush on too lol. Weirdest thing ever. He wants to come to UTSA...that would be awesome! But he doesnt know I like him...he flirts a lot but i doubt it would go any further. He's too cute for me.

Drunken call

Esteban,
You called me on thanksgiving at 230am...and youre going to tell me that youre sober. fuck that. I didn't even pick up and I already know that you were drunk. Is it that youre upset with your love life that you try to drown your worries with liquor I know, you know, we all know that that isnt going to work. if you want to build up some fucking courage to let me know you still have feelings for me then just come out and say it...promise I wont hurt you...I still care for you...tons!

My Main Source of Pain

Aaron,
you came back to me, but you abandoned me just like the first time. You were supposed to meet my family on Thanksgiving...Sometimes I feel like this as just some way to get back to me from when I said that I wouldnt marry you. You're a fucking asshole! You leave me again when its the worst possible time. I missed you, I waited 4 months, I suffered, for what? FOR NOTHING! I cry and cry knowing you left again and didnt say goodbye. I wish you could see how much I'm suffering. Why the fuck do you tell me that you still love me when you hurt me so much?

Jewish?

Last night I passed out like at 730. I was so tired that I wasnt even up to watch Nip/Tuck that i had missed on Tuesday. Mom called and I dont even remember what she had said lol. Then Aaron called at 1 am. He had just came from the bar. I was like what the hell? what the fuck were you doing there, you don't drink or smoke? He said he was playing pool. i dunno his attitude...is just weirding me out. And so I spoke out...yeah I guess I've changed a bit. I mean shit...i waited 4 fuckin months for him to come back...I'll be damned if I waited that whole time and let it all fall apart just like that! He was acting all nonchalant. I do matter, or I'm SUPPOSED to still matter to ur stupid ass! He hasn't said that he loves me since Wednesday...when he used to say it a million times a day!

ARGH! I'm so NOT taking him to my family's house on Thanksgiving if shit is going to go backto normal. He said he didn't want to speak of it, that he had to go to work the next day at 10... I wake up earlier than him! Gosh ya'll just don't fuckin understand how pissed off I was, and still am. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to be back home, right in front of him just so that i could slap him! He made me that upset...

It was like an, "How dare you not give a damn about me!" *slap across face* situation. I made him finish school I made him go into the army...if he would have never met me he wouldn't have achieved so much. Damn it! I'm not some rag that you throw away, or at least I shouldnt be that to him! Fuckin prick!

On another note...

He said that he converted to Judaism, or however its spelled. It's like what the hell? Most Jewish people want to marry other Jewish people. news flash! I'm NOT Jewish.

He asked when i was coming home...what day. I said NEVER. I don't want to fucking see him anymore! Well i do, but right now I'm MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! He better fix this...

SHUT the F up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaron called Friday night...but i got all mad and he hung up on me. Oh! can you believe it? Our relationship is back on track hahahahaha Esteban called me last night. he was at work. I don't know what the hell he was thinking calling me when he was at work. It was like hey are you awake? He had just woken me up lol and then i was like its fine blah blah where you at? at work. lemme call you back. Wow longest most fucking conversation EVER! I honestly DONT understand why he calls me for meaningless hellos and byes with NOTHING in between. He pisses me off.

My aunt had surgery Friday. They cut her up from like 4 inches down her tummy from her boobs to her punany. lol it looks awful. But anyway I decided to go to her house and see the fam you know? So i spend less than 24 hrs there and I was FED up with my cousin Cristina. Gosh she is an OLD WOMAN trapped in a 9 year old's body. She was like, "you have your tongue pierced DON'T YOU?!?" UGH that was the last straw...like everything she had said the whole day was ok...whatever, but that just drove me CRAZY!!! I wanted to ring her by the neck! lol.

I told grandma about Aaron, but yeah we're not getting married next week that's crazy. I'll marry him in a year and a half and then move to Hawaii.

What a Drag

I went to sleep like at 2am, all mad cause Aaron didnt call. I knew that if he didnt call by 12 he wasnt goingto call. I couldnt really go to sleep cause I was mad and i didnt wanna have a heart attack in my sleep hahahaha. Nice way to go huh? I woke up like at 530 and I was half way asleep the whole time until 7 when the alarm went off. i turned it off and cursed the writing teacher to hell and went back to sleep. at 720 I woke up again, and cursed her again hahaha. I got up to pee and decided to might as well go to class. And i was actually contemplating on working my ass off this coming week to possibly catch up. But yeah right. I'll probably fail anyway. So yes i will drop it.

I walked outta the dorm and as soon as I got to the front the shuttle got there and nobody was waiting for it so i hoped on. I made my way up the stairs of the main building to class. I sat there for a while. The teacher arrived late 810 and we took our 60 question grammar test. me and Joanna were the first to finish. Everybody looked at us as if we were crazy, but whatever. We concluded that all the suck ups that sit in the front row hate us. lol. but whatever we show the same feelings towards them. Gosh they're so uptight...like shit! have a drink with me why dont you? lol.

We left and headed to the Cafe. We had breakfast and came back to my dorm. Shani came and we did laundry. We came back to the dorm and I got a call from the doc's office. my lab results were not in yet. Shani fell asleep and me and Joanna left to the Cafe again. lol we were embarrased cause it was the same guy from the morning that had swiped the card lol. We were like, we wouldnt be so embarrased if he wasnt cute lol. We had some Asian food. it was good but I wasnt really hungry I just wanted to waste some meals. hahaha.

Joanna left and I came back home. I was supposed to go to sleep but i got distracted by music on itunes. Then I called SBC to put back the net at home so that i could be on it next week. I have to register for classes ASAP. if not i'll have crappy ones hahaha. But they were acting like rude bitches and I paid 80 bucks of my parents bill for NOTHING! ARGH! So, we're leaving SBC now...for Time Warner...cable, digital phone and road runner.

Where's Aaron?

I doubt myself

I don't know how exactly to take all this in. And maybe I'm just complicating things because i can and I'm not living in the moment. Aaron being back...changes things. I'm no longer moping around and I'm actually showing up to class.

It's 530 in the morning...I haven't been sleeping much these past three days. I managed to clean my room tonight. and I'm 20 pages away from finishing the novel for history class that's 430 pages long. I was waiting for Aaron to call, but after 12 I gave up. Figured he was tired and fell asleep. It dawned on me that it was going to be worse in the months and year to come.

I love Aaron
Of course I love him...
I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM...
I LOVE HIM!

He knows me more than I know myself...
He's good to me
he's sweet to me
he's so smart, caring, amazing (in bed hahaha)
he's one of kind

If I let him go, I might never find that again

Hummm...well I solved my own problem didnt i?

No...love cant just support something by itself. [i want some breakfast hahaha I haven't eaten or slept in a LONG time]

Tom said, "its rare that true love actually happens you know. You shouldnt let go of it when its in your grasp. You should hold onto it and never let go." I'm just scared that it's going to end up like Jason's marriage. he had a tour in Iraq and when he returned he divorced his wife. His wife said she had waited too long, and the spark wasn't there anymore. I love Aaron, but am I going to still love him after he's been gone for a year and a half? I'm scared.

Mi casa, Tu casa

Aaron called again last night. He said he bought a house by my mom's house, then I said, "Why's you buy a house? youre not even going to be around to enjoy it" then he said "Don't you remember when i told you I was going to buy you a house?" i do remember that clearly. i was in orientation, but he said he was going to buy a house here in SA, not back home. Besides, I never took that comment seriously.

We talked more about the no-baby possibility and he said that he was ok with it, and that we would "fuck like rabbits till we get pregnant" hahaha...yeah sure. He said that even if I didnt get pregnant, he would be ok with it because he loves me enough...blah i think its bull shit. I know how much he wants kids...

Gosh...I love Aaron so much...

I don't know if I can be prepared to be an army girlfriend.

He's Finally back...

Like an hour ago, I received a call from Aaron...yes Aaron.

We didn't say much to eachother. it wasn't a long conversation. I told him about my doctor's visit that was almost 3 weeks ago. He said, "We'll find the best doctors. I promise"

He arrived Saturday. He said that he was going to be home for two weeks. I'll be home next week. Then after that...he's going to Fort something for 6 months and then Iraq for a year and then Hawaii...I don't see Cindy any where near there.

Maybe I shouldn't be so glad that i heard from him...

I'm a little confused.

I'm grumpy

Ugh I'm in such a crappy mood and its probably because of the fuckin' pills and the lack of sleep. I am so fucking tired of school already. i wantto just quit and take my lazy ass to get a rich man. hahhaha, or any man with a decent job for that matter. I managed to pull an all-nighter twice without actually studying...yht of ippeee!!!! Any kind of light makes my head freakin' hurt so yeah I'm not so happy about that. i'm going to enjoy staying in my dark cave that i call a room tomorrow. I just want to rest. i dont feel like dealing with life all together. I just wanna shut out the world hahaha.

So who knows if this weekend is going to pan out the way we all planned. Ehh...I don't mind staying home, and just waiting until i finish my freakin' prescription. Drew was telling me that I turned into vampire hahaha which makes sense. The sight of light makes me wanna go back inside. It makes my head hurt a lot. Last night my head was throbbing, but i had to keep the light on cause i needed to read for my politics class. Fuckin' politics class. The only reason i'm passing is because my prior work with AP governent & youth and government. Cause to tell everyone the truth I've only cracked open that book no more than three times.

I was in History class and it so happened that we had to be put in pairs to answer two questions. And we're in the civil rights movement at the moment...ugh. i was paired up with a white girl that was probably never in her life that close to a hispanic person that wasnt cleaning after her. So the way we were answering the questions...I was in dissagreement and then i was like whatever just write whatver the fuck you want. So then she finished writing whatever and she was revising. I answered one of the questions...and she kept on scratching out what i had answered.

So she takes out a piece of paper. i thought oh she's going to rewrite it, but what she does is write her name and mine. She starts rewriting, and then she erases my name. She covers the paper with her arm like if i don't notice. so I'm like ok whatever. So i move over a seat, in disgust. lol. i'm serious i was just disgusted by her. if you wanna pull that shit, then just let me know. So I decide to write my own shit then. (the quiz we had taken prior wasn't going to count unless we had answered these questions).

Ugh...she's just pissed off cause nobody stays in class once the quiz is over. What she should do is just have the quiz at the end of the class. Or somehow derive some kind of system that works. She should make the SI do something...ugh I can't stand her! With her I-Know-Everything attitude. She never wears the right size so you can see her stomach...which is NOT pleasing to the eye. its not that she's fat or whatever...she's what people call "thick" but she wears things that are not her size which makes her look bigger than she is because she has a muffin top.

Blah! I'm just really pissed off and grumpy and i wish my next class is like RIGHT NOW so i can get that stupid test over with! Its not as if i studied so i might as well just take it now and pray for the best.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY WHEN YOU HURT ME SO

This weekend was Shani's bday celebration #1. It was alright I guess...I've had way funner weekends here in SA. I was either really impatient, annoyed, grossed out, or frustrated. We went to Antro's since we've become regulars. But Ryan and Ricka didnt enjoy the trance music and left.

Sunday afternoon after I took the medicine the doc prescribed me, I felt nauseous. But I felt better after an hour. We headed over to Mamma Margie's and desperatly tried to finish my nachos, but couldn't. Then off to the Airport we dropped off R & R.

On the way there, Esteban called me. He finally got a cell phone hehehe. After that phone call that was less than 5 minutes I had the biggest smile ever...and nobody could wipe it off of my face. I miss him so much. But we're only friends and that...hurts me SOOO much. It pains me that I cant just up and tell him, not that with our short conversations there much time for anything, much less a heart to heart.

i checked today for my History test grade, and guess what? it was a 91!!!!! YAY!!!! I deserve a something hahahaha. That's my first A EVER! LOL and its so funny to me...I didnt even study, and I was like the 5th one out cause i was super sleepy. So that brings me up to a B- in the class.

Somebody has been calling me from an Unknown number just now. Why do people block numbers? I mean with me at least. Its not like if I'm going to call back anyway. I was in Shani's room the first two times, it was 12 something I didnt expect a call. Then the third time...I was walking in and I answered...I was like, "Hello? Hello?" and I heard a guy's voice say something, but i couldnt really make out what it was or who it was. So I hung up. Then 10 minutes later he calls again and I start getting mad so I was like, "Why are you calling me, and you don't say anything!?!" and i hang up again. It done pissed me off.

Who was it? I doubt it was Esteban or Oscar or even Dave. What if it was Aaron? man...that bastard better answer the next time he calls. I havent given out my number in a long, long time. John was the last person i gave my number to actually...wow. I'm not much of a lady-casanova anymore.

My Doc Visit

I went to the OB/GYN today. She told me that my ovaries dont work...THEY DONT FUCKIN WORK!

My Mom called and I started bawling, sobbing. She told me that we could go to other doctors to see if we could get another opinion, but this was my second opinion already. She said that with the power of God, I could have children...How dare she mention God?!? HOW DARE SHE?!? God forgot me already. god wouldnt put me in this predicament. She was like maybe I could even offer my body for your babies...then it wouldnt really be mine, they would be hers with my genes. The whole beauty of being a woman is being able to have children growing inside of you, feeling everything from kicks to their hiccups.

I feel like my womanhood has been taken from under me by surprise...

I despise women that abort
I despise women that leave their newborns in dumpsters to die
I despise women that dont care about their children
I despise women that women who regret conceiving their children

At least they can have children...

Family Matters

This weekend was sorta kinda good I suppose. I didn’t really quite do EVERYTHING I was supposed to do and after my NoDoz incident…I’m very, VERY disappointed. I went through all that bull shit to only end up with a 70. It burned me to the point where I wanted to scream though I was in the library…so shhh!! I had to be quiet.

I didn’t get to visit the girls…which kinda got me all pissed off, but I blew it off anyway. I can definitely say that this weekend was all about the family. Friday I arrived at around 530 and left to my house at around 7. My lil’ bro almost told on me…about my piercing, but I bribed him with the Doom movie and with a GameBoy game. Actually, I don’t even fuckin remember what I did Friday, but it was probably nothing productive…oh now I remember. I passed out at like 9 at night. And I guess the NoDoz was still in my system and I kept on waking up every freakin hour which really pissed me off.

I didn’t sleep much. My mom left to the dentist and I just fell asleep. She came around at like 11 and woke up me. She wanted me to her drop off, and I was going to go to the movies with my lil’ bro. I got ready and were off by 2. Me and my bro saw Doom…*drool* The Rock and his co-star were both equally HOTT. I wanted to fuck ‘em both haha. We left the movies and I was still feeling sick. We went to Sally’s and I bought the best damn flat iron that cost me an arm and a leg. Then I bought that photo album from Things Remembered and then that thing for my computer and some blank CDs. I went to pick up mom and we went to Burlington. I bought my new Jacket and some mittens. The lines were LONG and I was very aggravated. Then I got a call from Mario, but turned out he couldnt go anywhere. Me and Victor headed over to this wedding and we danced and danced lol. We were dancing all “out of the norm” but whatever I know I looked good doing it, and even if I didn’t I still had fun. Then he came over and we talked for a good 2 hours.

My aunt looked all happy, she thinks she might be pregnant. I guess it’s a good thing, but I’m all weirded out by babies right now. Sunday, I was supposed to go to church but I had just fallen asleep a couple of hours before and I just DIDN’T wanna get up. But then I had to get up to go to my god-mother’s house. They live all the way in Alief so I was like arghhh!!! We got there…the baby is SOOO pretty. She’s like a pretty little doll. My god-mother lied! Lol she told this lady that my mom and her were so close, that they were like sisters. Bull SHIT! But whatever. Then her mother kept on trying to make me buy some Mary Kay, like if I got money for that she must be out her damn mind. A d then since she couldn t convince me to buy any she wanted me to sell…uhh no I don’t have time for that shit. We left…2 hours after we had planned to leave and I wanted to eat some pupusas not some fried chicken.
Then we were headed towards my grampa-uncle’s house cause he lost his eye last week, but me and my dad convinced my mom that we didn’t need to go. And we headed over to my g-mas house instead. I got 70 bucks from my aunt Gladys and grandma. I got to carry little Ruby around. She’s so peaceful and if she does cry, she cries softly. Then on the way back we stopped at this Salvadoran place and I got some Yuca. Gosh the owner’s son is SOOOOOOOOOOO hotttt. But I cant hit that, I don’t think he’s interested in me anyway. Lol. Fuck it.

Then we dropped off my bro and my dad and headed to Walgreens there I bought some hair dye and then we headed to Exxon to go apply to get a speed pass. Some ignorant fool was working there, but whatever. No biggie. We got back home and I dyed my mom’s hair and made pumpkin pie. Then I dyed my hair and then did the second step and I was like arghhh…I got fed up and I just dyed the whole front part like a dumbass. So the whole front is orange. I don’t give a fuck! Hahaha I’ll probably end up dying it again in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t go to sleep at all…and I didn’t.

Andee called me at about 330 and I still didn’t make it in time. But that wasn’t my fault. I was ready to go. Then we arrive in SA and we hit traffic. She seemed all upset and aggravated…I was like hummm whoa! And I felt bad cause she got up early cause of me. I wasn’t going to go to class but I ended up going cause of her sake. I mean it woulda been kinda rude for me not to show up to class when she woke up early just for me to go.

I got there and I didn’t do shit. That class gets on my last nerve. I wanna ring everybody’s neck in there, except for Joanna’s lol. I just drew the girl with the “hair” lol and the walls and junk, yes I was that bored. But anyway, I have to go to class in like 10 minutes so I gotta go…and be lazy again hahaha.

Way too early

i'm up from pulling and all-nighter. I woke up around 6 pm today...wishing i had slept longer but my phone kept ringing...first time thats happened in ages it seems. I wonder why I didnt turn it off, and unplugged the other one. I have now studied for about 9-12 hours lol...and i'm like ahhh!!! I mean I dunno I dont feel confident still. like I know a summary of everything but not everything specifically.

At around 430 I felt really sick, and my head hurt, and I was sleepy, so I took off to Walmart and took the longest time cause I had never bought No-Doz and I didnt know where it was located. After about 20 minutes of looking and almost falling asleep while standing up, I found it and decided to pay at the self checkouts. I had to get aproval for the No-Doz...which took like 15 minutes.

I swear I was so sleepy that I think I coulda died today...Stupid SAN ANTONIO AND THEIR DAMN CIRCULAR TURNS!!! I swear its so stupid...who ever designed the roads here musta been retarded. I was driving at high speeds...yeah i know that was stupid and the road was slippery from the rain...man...I coulda like rolled in my little car and if I was driving an SUV I probably would have. The tires just made a screeching noise.

I came back onto campus and somebody had already taken my parking spot which wasnt good in the first place...BASTARDS! so I parked way in the fuck out there near the street which really pissed me off cause i'm leaving today, and so do most people so my car is going to be left out in the open.

I'n like sorta kinda wired right now...i know that I am completly awake and there is no sign of me being sleepy, but its not like I'm hyper or anything. I'm pretty calm. i seemed to have really focused on my readings and maybe if I wouldnt have taken them pills I woulda passed out at 5.

I'm WAYYYYY too stressed out...my hair is falling out in clumps. which scares the hell outta me.
Gotta go gotta study more.

Prime/TGIF

Tonight was good. I needed to leave the dorm and feel a little alive. We went to see Prime (we as in Me, Andee, Shani, Joanna and Fabian Andee's friend). It was a funny movie...i liked-ted-it, except for the ending. Now that sucked, though it was probably realistic...sorta. We got there really late, compared to the rest of the folks, so we sat in the front row. Then it ended at 9 and we headed over to TGIF. it was good. We got to know Fabian a little bit, but he was having "technical difficulties" so we didnt get to speak to him much, but from what I saw he seemed like a good guy. Me and Shani judged too quickly...bad very bad lol. I think Joanna felt uncomfortable. I will ask her on a later date.

Oscar called me. I was in the restaurant so I told him that i would call him back. It was so weird I used that "lovey dovey" voice. lol I dont even know where that came from. He did seem like he was upset or tired or something. I called back, but he didnt answer me. I missed him so much.

I'm so pissed off...but not really. Hopefully Friday will go smoothly. I'm not in a fighting mood. I'm kinda all down...

Blah i feel sick!

Ive been so out of it that I dont even much know if I had updated about the past weekend but now I see that i have. So somebody is like REALLY pissing me off and I told my mom about it and she got all rowdy too hahaha.

Tomorrow me, Shani, Andee, Joanna and Andee's guy friend are supposed to go see Prime and then to TGI Fridays for dinner. Hopefully it will be fun...always fun though.

Thursday Mayra's coming down and we'll go visit Rosy, then come back and pick up Shani and possibly Andee (Shani invited her...its cool though). I know Andee needs breathing room.

Friday, we're going to Houston and I have the whole weekend booked. Friday we arrive and go to a later dinner with Ana and Vanessa. Saturday, I'm taking my lil' bro to go see Doom cause I wanna see it and cause he wants to see it. Saturday evening I need to stick Victor somewhere in my schedule. maybe we could go to the club or see Saw II. And then Sunday morning I need to go visit my god-sister because she had her baby like a month ago. I feel bad cause I didnt even go to her baby shower. Ughhh i dont feel like going but whatever.

I really need to study for this next ANT test. I mean damn...I need to really pick up my grades. I mean I think I can only afford to fail ONE class this semester, hopefully I just fail WRC. I havent started on the essay due Friday and I wont finish it if I started yesterday hahaha. So, I think I will start on the first essay. hahaha. Whatever..I'm pulling an all nighter tonight though my test isnt until Friday, but whatever.

I miss Aaron *tear*

I LOVE Club Antro!

Saturday, we woke up at around 12 ish and washed clothes. Then headed over to have brunch. We called Andee if she wanted to go to Northstar, so we headed over there. We bought some clubbin clothes and Shani's b-day present. Rosalva was sleepy so we went to buy some starbucks to wake her up. We came back to our dorm and had burgers and fries for dinner, and started watching Donnie Darko. lol that was an awesome movie. Funny, made you think, and a little scary lol. Hopefully Andee didnt have any nightmares. Then after that we gathered all of our crap and headed over to Andee's place and got ready. We got together with Rosalva's friends and headed over to Antro. At first it was sorta empty and the lone dancer was there again lol. It was kinda like ugh I guess lol. but around 1230 it picked up and we danced a whole lot lol.

At first this REALLY hot guy that looked like he could dance good came up to Rosalva and the poor guy got rejected. lol Then two good lookin guys came up to me and I said no. lol Then I was like damn it...shoulda said yes. But maybe deep down inside I dont wanna be involved with anybody other than Aaron...when he hopefully comes back, right? lol. Rosalva's friends left us like after the first song and it turned out that they left to Bar-rio but didnt like it cause they had a live band...we coulda told them that.

So we headed over to Ihop, the one we went to last week, and we had better service this time. The lady remembered us...lol. The food was good and we all had a very GOOD conversation... When Andee talked about how somebody...that I will not mention has been taking advantage of her, we all thought she was going to start to cry. I felt really bad and we all told her that she needed to put a stop to ALL of that cause she (the person) was going to keep on doing that.

Overall the night was GREAT! we all had so much fun lol.

Sole SUCKS!

Friday I went to the mall with Joanna and Shani, and then later Rosalva got there. Since me and Shani are determined to go to every club possible, we decided to go to Sole, but then it was sorta empty so we headed to Bar-rio. We were like the first-ish people there. And we sat down for a while. Cause it was empty also lol. We waited for about 30 minutes and it was sorta full. But Andee's friend was nagging that she wanted to go back to Sole. So we leave and then when we get there she's like NO, lets go to Antro. Of course I knew where Antro was but man, I was just annoyed by her. So we ended up paying 7 bucks to go in to the crappiest club EVER. Bunch of Thugs and hoes everywhere. It looked like it used to be a McDonalds or something. It was super small and super ghetto. The girls there were like all kissing up on eachother and drunk. It was just like ugh...The photographer took a pic of us...lol. And now its going to be shown in the big screen...ahhh!!! I dont want any record of me being there! I was really pissed off and didnt wanna dance. And Andee's friend was talking shit about Shani, Joanna, Rosalva and Andee...which got me even more pissed off.

Andee ended up giving her the keys to her car so she'll get the fuck away lol. And then I started dancing. but we left early, like at 130. Headed over to the ihop off Dezavala, but the service there SUCKED. And then went back home took a shower and fell fast asleep.

Day wasted

Say it to my face!

When the sun goes down, I'll be ready to PARTY

Last night was fun. Mayra and Leo came down from Austin to go clubbin. Since we're new to this city, we dont really know like where everything's at lol. So I was looking online for clubs or whatever...and there was this club called Antro. We decided to go there. Its not that far away from campus. We arrived and...well it looked kinda dead. but decided to park and check it out. We got like a few feet from the door and Leo was like let's go back! and I was like yeah...it looks kinda dead. And then Mayra called her friend from SA asking if the club was any good. While she was calling Shani was all fucked up lol (we had taken shots before we left) and she was like lets just GO IN! lol and then I was like ohhhh my song! (Mentirosa) lol so we dragged Leo inside. The bouncers were kinda rude...ugh. lol.

We walked inside, the music was pumpin...really good music. but still it was kinda dead. We're feeling the music and we dance anyway. lol Then this guy...hummm he was wearing glasses, kinda chubby, but I guess he had courage...he asked Shani to dance. It was so funny cause the way he was dancing was like...hahahaha!!! she was like, "he had BAD breath and I didnt wanna turn around cause he was already touching my sides" lol Then there was this other guy on the dance floor. Poor guy he was trying so hard to dance. I bet he was having the time of his life. He sure was dancing his heart out! And then these Asians lol they danced funny.

There was a LOT of hotties in that club...well a lot of guys all together. lol. and then there was this drunk chic...ugh she was getting on my last nerve I wanted to kick her ass. lol but opted out since the damn club took my ID!!! lol

After that we went to Ihop with Amanda...i ordered something new wow! lol No more chicken strips for me. The ihop was ghetto and small. The waitress ended up spilling butter on Amanda...ugh. that was rude. Maybe we're all going to go to the Fallout Boy Concert...Awesome! And Amanda invited us to her big 20th birthday bash, even more awesome! lol We'll see how everything goes when we go up to Austin in two weeks.

Looking Through Facebook

I was looking through facebook yesterday afternoon and I found a lot of my middle school friends...and the one that wasnt. Blah, i couldnt figure out why, I mean it was like damn...I saw her picture and all the anger came back like if we were still in middle school. Gosh I hated how fake she was...blah She's back home going to U of H. but whatever...my suspicions that my other friend was here on campus was wrong lol. So everybody is right, I am going blind. But man I swear that boy looks just like him. I was dissapointed that he wasnt here. he's with Rosalva in Aggie land lol. And I dunno it seems like if, everybody in middle excelled to becoming whatever, and I'm here at UTSA feeling like a loser. Like if I deserved better or something, but blah whatever. I'm here and I plan to stay here.

Last night, college night of course, me and Shani decided to go out. lol Lemme tell you it was a ride that i will never forget...crazy...lol

Just like me

I've become an addict to blogging. Maybe because somehow I feel like I'm actually talking about my problems to somebody. Gosh sometimes I wish I was on meds or something. But as a hispanic, deppression doesnt really exist...and whatever I have can get slapped off like nothing.

Sometimes knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

I dont feel like crap because of him...just cause I dunno...I dont even know how to explain it. I'm scared that what happened to me freshman year in high school is goingto end repeating itself. AHHH!!! I want them all gone so I can scream!!! I swear sometimes i wish I lived alone.

I keep on thinking about everything...like how am I going to end up paying for my school? Am I even going to be able to stay here another year? can i even afford it? I mean like id I go back home or end up flunking out, my dad will be there telling me, I TOLD YOU SO! He said he wasnt paying a cent...when he has in his bank account way over 20, 000. One semester fully paid would have been enough. Or at least him paying what tuition would have cost if I attended U of H. My stafford loan, and grants and my scholarship would have paid the rest. But no! He's so stubborn.

I take up for his side of the family. Me and him are very much alike. And we are like oil and water...when it comes to socializing with eachother. I dont understand...how could you live without even socializing with your own flesh and blood. And it angers me that now that I'm gone he talks to all types of people about me saying, "Oh my daughter is so smart shes going to college, She takes up for me, did you know that? Yeah she's just like her old man. She may not do a lot of things, but when she does do them she does them right. She doesnt bull shit around." I am like him in a lot of ways...most of who i am resembles him. But when it comes to my inner deep feelings, I'm fragile like my mom. But he couldnt tell me all that shit to my face? No, the good shit, they never fuckin tell you, but the bad shit, they get a tongue work out.

I'm obsessing over Aaron...all I do is think about him. I'm concerned for my mental health haha

I Love Water

I'm here listening to Franz Schubert, and enjoying it. I've always been a big fan of classical music, but the sad kind. This one is all like in your face screaming "LET'S DANCE LIKE IN TITANIC!" lol.

Anyway, i was reading other people's blogs today and I was like...humm their lives seem way more interesting than mine. lol. I just mope around about the men that have gone and went in my life...blah. What else do I have to talk about? I dont have an extensive vocabulary to make everything sound marvelous. I just use a lot of profanity hahah. And then i started wondering, does anybody read my blog? I doubt it, but whatever. I just started recording my history because I have such a crappy memory. I'm scared that when I'm old and cant even wipe myself I'll get alzheimers or however its spelled.

I should be doing this outline for my history class...blah I dont want to. and its like crap cindy! you;ve sat on your ass all day might as well do something, but no...I've seen all my midterm grades and I have a C in each class...except TX politics I dunno whats going on with that one. I have a test next week and I havent showed up to class in like 2 weeks. hahaha. Ughh...I complain that in my HIS class, the tests are so far apart and its crazy for me to remember all of the information (though I did pass the midterm with a C without studying), and then I complain that in my ANT class the tests are like 2 weeks apart. i just got done with one test last week, and next week I have another. What a bitch! I do love that class though.

I dont know where my life is headed now. After me and Aaron broke up, I put so much energy into getting John, that my mind refused to take anybody else seriously. Now, its weirding me out that there isnt one soul that I can talk to. No guy that is lusting over me. No guy that wants to get to know me. And I dont even have a crush. There's no guy that I desire here in SA. Nobody that whenever he passes by I try to find something to do with my hands and look at my feet or look to the side as if there was really something interesting on the wall.

Trying to be Optimistic

When it comes to EVERYTHING I'm always the first one think the worst, expect the worst, imagine the worst, give up before the "worst" comes...hahahha I miss Aaron dearly...and i want him back with me where he belongs. I was talking to my friend last night and she told me that she wants him back too, she thinks he'll be good for me. Our relationship was very dysfunctional, but it ultimately worked and we loved eachother very much.

I just need somebody to here for me while I get rid of any "John", Javier memories that I have. Well...I just need Aaron...I'm like trying really hard to actually believe he's thinking about me and all that mumble jumble. I keep on wondering what he's doing, what he's up to...I cant help it. I still love him. I gotta wonder about stupid stuff like that.

On another note, this guy I used to be friends with back in sophomore year called me today. lol...hummm in funny circumstances. He said he was calling everybody he knew cause he just got outta jail lol. He said he was in there for 6 months. I was like whoa! lol. He's stupid. I knew he was going to end up in some kind of bull shit like that. He said they were almost going to rape him up in there and that he joined in in a raping of a white guy that got put in there for raping a little boy...uhhh he had already done participated in homosexual activities before. he used to work as a rent-a-cop at a gay club back in Houston. hehehehe My friend from middle school knew him...always thought that he was cute or whatever. lol But that was weird...and I dont want him calling me anymore. I just answered cause I didnt know the number and I keep on getting paranoid that its Aaron. but whatever...

One of these days he's really going to call and I'm not going to answer...lol

I went to class today and it was really hot in the morning and i was like ughh just another day. I went into class and when I came out an hour 1/2 later it was super dark outside and it was raining cantaros. I had my trusty umbrella, but I still got wet from my mid-thigh down. I was wearing flip flops to kill it even more and now my legs hurt really bad...my feet were freesing for a good 15 minutes and then when i dried off and changed clothes I didnt put socks on so I my legs were still cold but i was like whatever...lol its going to be my own fault if I get sick.

The stupid dorm phone rarely works and its getting on my damn nerves...I cant use my minutes cause somebody else is hogging them all like if daytime calls are of a life and death matter. Ughh just really pisses me off that she uses the minutes like crazy. I dont want it to go overboard with the minutes again, when the extra minutes are 35 cents more. UGH...I need to call my loan lender...

Todo Queda En Cero

I texted John's Girlfriend today cause I was determined to tell her everything I knew. So she called me like an hour afterwards and I told her everything I could...

You know she seems like a bad ass cool girl and that happening to her just pisses me off. especially cause of the circumstanses. she said that she had been with him for about 7 years and they were already talking about getting married. I was like WHOA...and I told her the bottom line you know? I'm not no chump and I wasn't about to keep quiet about shit like that when she was (or still is) going to get married to him.

So yeah I told her what I knew and she was very understanding, didnt go psycho like Albert's girlfriend. So we had a very calm conversation...She seems really nice. I cant imagine why...well I can. he was probably like...wanting to try new "ins and outs" of the trade. Her voice...she sounded older like she was in her late 20s. I have no idea...whatever. I'm just GLADDDDDDDD that its ALL OVER. But I'm so mad at myself for not trusting my gut feeling.

I will now stay my single self, until my next adventure hahaha

More than words

I cant really say how I'm feeling right now...not like I dont know how I feel. I know exactly how. But its kind of hard for me to explain it. I am just reall dissapointed in the "fates"...the ones that control my love life. But I guess my love life is now extinct. hahahaha We're 9 days away from 3 months since Aaron's departure and still no word. I'm not like...how should I say...worried that something bad has happened to him, but I'm like...I dunno...All gloomy casuse he hasnt called me to just I dunno...

He loves me I know it...We've always found ways to get back to eachother...and why did this time...why hasnt he come back to me this time?

It feels so good out here today...like not t

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not

This week...keeps on getting worse and worse. It has deteriorated my love life to nothing. So...guess who called me last night? John's girlfriend. yeah...John's girlfriend. At first she called me at around 918 to ask for a Diana...and I was like...hummm you got the wrong number. By 930 I was already asleep...she called again at 330 am bitch! she woke me up lol. And she was like I'm jay's girlfriend who are you? is your name Erica? do you go to bank one? oh lord...

I was like i don't know who youre talking about. Shit i was half asleep I didnt know who "Jay" was or if i banked at Bank One...I Bank at Bank of america. And then I was like god I'm so tired of psycho girlfriends calling me. lol. I was really annoyed...I just wanted to go to sleep.

So then we hung up. I couldnt go back to sleep and I became wide awake and i was like...JOHN!!! thats who she was talking about. So...now I'm just waiting for her to possibly call me back so that I will tell her everything and hopefully she wont go psycho on me. She seemed like a rational gal, she's understand me right?

After that whole thing I was like...no more crying for that asshole!

ehhh I need to get fucked up... I deserve it since I went to class everyday this past week.

Finally OVER

I think that this was the last straw when it came down to John. He was being an asshole...an asshole. He made a fool of me and I dont need none of that. I mean he like confuses me way too much. One day he's all over and then another day he's like stay arms length away. And then when I accept the fact that we're only friends and nothing more. He gets...he gets all pissed off. what the fuck?!? He's the one that wanted it that way and why is he getting all pissed off? He's a dumbass and I will refrain from getting myself emotionally involved with him cause its just not worth it.

I'm not going to let him do that to me...why should I?

All week

So, I've actually shown up to class everyday this week. Horray!! I just didnt want to miss class...I dont wanna be a loser and not show up. Well for the exception of my politics class...seriously what a waste of time. Eventhough I've shown up to class everyday, I havent been doing much. Just being lazy and sleeping shit loads and crying over crap that i should just forget about.

I talked to John yesterday and he said that he wanted to put our little argument behind us and move on. I'm all for it, but how am I supposed to move on if he keeps on doing the same shit to me. He did it again yesterday and pissed me off so much. But I didnt have much time to think about it more cause I immediately fell asleep afterwards. Yeah, i dunno whats going on with me, but all I wanna do is sleep.

Today was pretty cool. I woke up at 7 and I turned off my alarm. I didnt get out of bed and I was determined to miss class. but then the stupid lady lump song or whatever got in my head and I lost my sleepiness. and I was like fuck it, so I got up, brushed my teeth washed my face and put a ponytail up and by 730 I was out the door. I arrived at class pretty early. Since I've been having problems with my eye sight I decided to sit on the fifth row, compared to sitting on the last row, or sitting in the chairs behind the last row.

I was really annoyed by the white guy that was sitting next to me. It was like damn youre a dumbass, pay attention so you'll stop asking the prof to repeat every damn thing. Ugh I just rolled my eyes at him and I guess he noticed and he stopped asking questions and copying his notes from the asian girl with a laptop sitting in front of him. I'm serious he's such a loser.

I went to breakfast with Shani and then headed to wash...I had no clean pants what so ever. so I had been repeating...and the clothes from the clubbin day still smelled horrible from all the malboro reds my friends were smoking. So I washed, started on my ANT readings and came back upstairs...did nothing for about two hours and then realized that I forgot to turn in my ANT homework that was due yesterday...and now, I'm just remembering it again hahahaha. I'm a loser. Then Shani came back from her first class ans we ate half of the pasta leftovers from yesterday...mmmm good. lol

Why do you use me?

Esteban,
so I guess the whole reason youve been calling me these past 4 days is for you to use me for you to get info on the slut back whore Valerie. And I;m not supposed to be hurt by the shit youre asking me to do? I mean i did it cause, I didnt want to seem like a bad friend, or seem as if I still have feelings for you cause I dont want you to think that at all...because I KNOW that you dont care about me as much as I care about you. I will only do more harm than good.

when you were talking to me...god you sounded like if you were really obssessed with that Valerie skank. You liked her the way you never liked me. Why did you ask me to do that when you...you should know that I still have STRONG feelings for you? Youre such an idiot...

I was already dealing with the fact that me and you were not meant to be and that you were never going to call me ever again! and I was doing just fine with you calling me, I wasnt even crying like I usually did after everytime you called me...and now I want to scream and the tears just WONT STOP FLOWING DOWN MY CHEEKS!!!

Everyday/Over

Esteban has been calling me everyday since friday. i don't know if i should be glad, or just be like whatever about it. I dont know exactly why he's calling me. Yeah him and that slut back whore arent officially talking anymore, but when him and Arlette the other slut back whore broke up, he didnt come running to me. He just mentioned it, once. and that was it.

Today he called and I thought it was my mom and Shani grabbed the cell and she couldnt unplug it from the charger it was funny and then I couldnt unplug it...and I panicked and didnt know what button to press. ahahahah and I was laughing really hard when I answered and he was like, "Aww, youre always laughing, always laughing" The tone he said it with was like one of those tones you take when you adore something, when you miss something really bad. Like the tone I take when I talk about him. I felt special hehehehe

then he started talking to me about the slut back whore, named Valerie. Supposedly she likes someone else...and left him. Ha! Ring any bells. Whoa! What he did to me happened to him. And he did the same exact thing I did...got shit faced. I still love Esteban, I will just call the whole Arlette thing lack of judgement.

I still havent told him what I'm supposed to tell him, but someday I'll find a way to tell him.

I had the big fight with John again...last night and I started crying...a LOT. It kinda distracted me from the plan I had which was to study my ass off for my Anthropology exam. I didnt get myself together until like 3am. And I pulled an all nighter. I got an 80.

_____Esteban Called at 200am_____
The crying continues...Esteban is obssessed with Valerie...he cares about her madly the way he never cared for me. I'm supposed to be OVER it, so when he called I did what he asked me to do. I called the slut back whore's casa...twice. I saw no point in what that benefitted him in any kind of way...Maybe he just wanted to hear her voice. I was getting really irritated...and I told him, "you seem bored. Is that all you needed from me?" Cause of course thats all he wanted from me. And me being the stupid retard that i am that will do anything for him, I did it. And then...when he didnt need me anymore he said he had to go to bed, well I told him to go to bed cause it was really late...so that he would stop stressing over it and leave me alone.

I just...felt so freakin JEALOUS. and used...He will NEVER see me the same way he did. Give it up CINDY!!! I'm just one of the good friends that he thinks he will always have. And theres no freakin point in me telling him a damn thing. I wouldnt be surprised if he didnt call me for a while. He said that he kissed her today...he kissed her...wow.

As the tears flow down my face I see that I gain nothing with it. and God has totally forgotten about me since the start of summer. I want to scream, I want to curse God and all his heavens. Its all in my...I dont have anything left, so what can I loose plan.

I'm still the naive girl from freshman year that jumps ino conclusions w/o looking at the facts.

Drunk calls

Today...was different I guess...Rosalva and JC came down from A&M to party down here with us. We hung out with Maribel...she was throwing a party for her friend's birthday party... there was a lot of guys...hott ones hahaha but Shani and Rosalva didnt wanna stay. I couldnt get drunk so I was like ok whatever. so we left in search for the club...but it was like 230 by the time we got close to that side of town. So we were like fuck it. we went to ihop lol.

While we were at ihop I got a call from an 832 number and I was like WTF? I answered and I didnt know who it was. I thought it was JC, but then I was like how the fuck did he get my number. and then he was like, "you don't know who this is?" and I was like getting impatient so I was like, "No who's this!?" It was Esteban. He had just got out the club and the boy was tipsy. I couldnt really recognize his voice.

He was telling me about the skank he likes...and how she's causing drama with his family. He thinks that she's only after him cause he's cute and cause he's so and so's cousin. and he was asking me what he should do...I told him that i couldn't really tell him much cause my opinion was going to be biased. But I told him that if it was affecting him negatively, he should just let that go. And he was all like, "She causes so much drama. Why couldn't I end up with a good girl like you?? Why do the circumstanses have to be this way? Why did I let you go for that other girl? You cared about the real me" Which is all true...I loved him because of the way he was...still is. I was so shocked by what he had said that I speechless. and I said, "I don't know what to tell you? What are you trying to say...? I mean I don't want you to talk to me just because some other girl rejected you" and he was like, "No, no I would never do that to you. I would have to get rid of her completly, in order for me to talk to you. I would never talk to you for that reason."

In a way that burst my bubble...like he only said that I was a good girl...not hey youre "talking" material. And I think he said that he still liked her. Cindy doesnt fit into the puzzle...Gosh. it hurts me so much. I told him that I had to tell him something really important, but when he was sober. I was going to spill my guts to him. I wonder if he will remember that tomorrow when he's good. Supposedly he was going to call, but he always says that and doesnt.

Being a Scaredy-cat

Seems like everybody around me is havin the time of their lives and I'm stuck here in a neverending circle of anguish. I was actually thinking of calling Esteban today but I decided not to. Sometimes I feel like such a woos (as John would say), however you spell it. I feel that if I call him i will only end up hurting or being ignored by him because his little hoe is calling him. I still have the strong desire to spill my guts to him...to get this load off my shoulders and just tell him how i've felt this past year, but I fear that that will be a very bad idea and I will end up pushing him farther away than he already is.

I'm still anxiously waiting for Aaron to come around...why is it that its almost as if it were an obssesion. I need to hear from him...I need him with me...I need him here. I wish he would be stationed here in San Antonio...ahh...that would be awesome. who knows if he was lying to me in the first place though...I'm still beating myself up...cause I didnt pick up that one day...when I received his message...why doesn't he call me again? His 9 weeks are up arent they?

I was talking to John yesterday...the first time since he got back from his little Rita road trip hahaha. It was so fun...or maybe I was just in a good mood. He said I didnt sound so funny, I just sounded as if I had a lisp. (so far Ive talked to both my parents numerous times and they havent said anything). For some reason i told him a lot of things that I only talked to Aaron about. Aaron is the single person that knows me more than I know myself. That always weirded me out and he always had the upper hand. John's always told me that I can talk to him about anything...I guess I am talking to him about anything.

Waiting for your arrival

Aaron,

Ok...its been just about 9 weeks now since you left...you haven't called me. you havent contacted me...whats going on? I feel like such shit...!!! I wonder if youre safe I wonder if you returned but went away again. I've been thinking about you night and day...I miss you and I burst into tears everytime I think that you will never come back to me. Thats just feeling like...its going to be true...and I guess its all my fault. why didnt I call you? why did I have to be all fucked up that day? I'm such an idiot....

My piercing

After the whole Rita ordeal...with my mom arriving here at my dorm in 22 hours when it is a 4 hour trip for her. I overslept twice and missed a test...I'm so pissed off and I feel that I will fail that class. I feel like I'm going to fail every freakin' class if I don't get my act together. So I actually showed up to class today yay!

But anyway on Friday I went to see Flight Plan...it was a dissapointment. At least I didnt pay for my ticket. Anyway...then Saturday was Jose Luis's party... a lot of strangers there. But whatever. he got a shit load of presents. my aunt ended up getting kidney stones and was taken to the hospital. But a few hours later they all decided to go back home. After that me, Mayra and Shani decided to get piercings. We arrived at this placed called the G-spot and it was about 1am and they closed at 12 but the HOTTIE let us in and we got pierced. Obviously I had my tongue pierced so did Mayra and Shani got her belly button pierced. I was so scared but it was no biggie. Afterwards was when it did hurt hahaha. Its calmed down now. its swollen though...

That day we met mayra's best friend Amanda...she's cool. I don't automatically like most people but I automatically liked her...so she must be cool hahahha. We went to ihop...like every late night run lol. Shani got hit on by the manager. but he never called her. We were going to smaoke weed...but then we didn't. I dunno...I feel like trying everything once I suppose. I mean I doubt I could get my hands on some more so whatever.

This weekend

This weekend was Mario's bday shindig...it was hoot hehehehe. I got so fucked up...ehhh I'm sleepy

Sleep deprived

Today is the mark of the second month since Aaron left. Am I supposed to waiting for him to call me? I'm scared... hahaha

John, ha! I havent talked to him since Tuesday...I was so pissed and sad friday night, did he care to call me and calm me down? NO...so then I just burst into tears...cause I knew he didnt give a damn about me. I felt so alone...unwanted. God, i feel like such crap...!!!!

I have been having trouble sleeping the past few days, having bad dreams about Amber being an alcoholic...and what not. I'm so sleep deprived...Maybe if I cry long enough I will be able to sleep...

Nothin to do

To be an idiot you dont need to study

I received my replacement phone today, so when i received a call from a number I didnt recognize...again I thought it was Aaron, but it was Esteban to my surprise. I didnt enjoy that at all. Fuck it. I don't feel like dealing with the emotional side of things...not anymore. Well maybe thats just something I'm saying now cause I'm hurt and angry at the same time when I really shouldnt be because me and Esteban are long from over. SO we talked for about 15 minutes and then he said he was going to callme back, he didnt call me back until like 20 minutes later so yeah and then we spoke for like 5 minutes...his line clicked. I already know the drill. When the line clicks that means he needs to let me go. Ha...I'm stupid enough to think that he will actually click over and stay with me. All he talked about was this slut (he described her and I conclude that she's a slut). He's like chasing after her and all throughout the conversation i just felt like shutting him up.

I guess I still wish that he will call me one day and want to see me again...What a naive idiot! My Jordan wearing fool will never pay attention to me again. I have just turned to this girl that he likes to keep in touch with. I'm very confused about that cause I know for a fact that when he stops talking to a girl, he literally stops talking to them. Why does he still call me? I wanted so bad to tell him how I feel...how I felt all through this year, but everytime its like the line clicks and now I just think that I shouldnt say a damn thing. Its a sign, maybe.

I told John about it and he was like...lets go out...I was like what the fuck? he must be out his damn mind...ugh gotta sleep...

Social Rejects

I've been here what? a period of three and a half weeks and have I made any friends? nope not one damn friend its so...argh! I've never been in a situation where I cant make any friends. i was the new girl for about 5 times and there was always somebody there to lend me their hand in friendship and now I am an outcast. I envy my room mates they go out ever weekend and have friends over a lot (which annoys me). I want to be able to annoy them with my friends. Everybody just seems like they got shit going on and going places and where do I go? To the fuckin flea market. I certainly felt like a pest there. How I wish that all the people that were supposed to come down here would have. So much loneliness...I feel like the world is superficial and that I am not appreciated because I dont have a pretty face and a size 5 body.

Back to School Again

I took a 4 day vacation. which felt so long but short at the same time. Mom, grandma and my bro came over here for the weekend. At first, I don't know why but everything was annoying me. Mom just says things that are obvious and she thinks that theyre so new! or something I dont know. We went to Walmart and ended up being there for like 2 hours cause my bro wandered off. I bought the second season of Nip/Tuck so now I'm ready for the incoming season yay! Me & Shani saw the whole season in two days hahaha. Then the next day we had breakfast. Finally no more cafeteria food or frozen food! lol Then we headed towards my aunts house. We stayed there for a while and headed to Jim's to have lunch. Then we went seperate ways. Me and Shani and the girls went with my aunt to the Flea Market. Let me tell you, I havent seen so many ghetto Mexicans in my life...lip liner no lipstick, painted eyebrows in weird shapes, tatted up everywhere, baggy pants. lol Then after walking for about an hour we headed back home. The girls were restless. but we went to the Quarry to Old Navy. i am in dire need of new clothes. Everything is either way too loose or way too tight. ugh...

On Labor day me and Shani decided not to step outside the dorm. We were so fucking tired from the past few days and from the lack of sleep.

I talked to John 3 days in a row and I kinda got used to it. He didnt call me last night...it made me kinda pissed lol. I dont want to be clingy so thats why i refused to call him, or any other guy (just Mario...He doesnt count). He is getting sweeter with me...what is all of this supposed to mean though? I want to see him when i go back to Houston, but I don't think thats going to be able to happen. I will be occupied with other things. This weekend is Chicken's Bday and I doubt that he will want to go to a Gay club. He's far too pretty for that, I might get jealous lol. then the next weekend I have to spend friday with Mario and Saturday with Chicken. I could take him to the 15, but I don't think thats right. He'll feel weird and I will too. I'll just wait until Thanksgiving.

I was back in class today. The RA is back to his usual self. he sat next to me and he actually stayed there for the whole class. Maybe it was because I was sitting next to him and he woulda felt weird IDK. But he was asleep the whole time. Its like why are you wasting your time showing up? Maybe he is one of those people that can fall asleep in class and still pass. Who knows? All I know is that I can't be that way lol. Then in my Political Science class I liked the opening discussion. Race and the disaster in Louisianna. I was surprised that this one white guy said, "Why do we have 150,000 people somewhere else, when we need them here to help us?" he was refferrring to the troops in Iraq and everybody was in an uproar about his comment but I was like Go White boy! he has some balls lol. And then this other guy from OK predicted that in some years New Orleans will be white. That the people that have land in NO will sell it cheaply and that the whites will prosper and gain from this. It was a good prediction. "What are you going to do when you see the piece of land where your house used to stand? You will not have money to rebuild and if some white guy tells you, 'hey I'll buy your land for 5,000-10,000' dollars what are you going to say? Of course youre going to take it, there will be some kind of money for you at least. The whites are going to be glad that they dont see a blask person in some odd 100 miles" I thought it was funny. But then the lecture came on. It was so disorganized. I know now that i will have to read if i have any chance of passing that class.

He admitted it

John finally admitted to me that he liked me. I don't know how to take it...No I DIDNT force it outta him, he was the one that asked me. and of course I like him and he knows that but he was like i want you to tell me...and after sometime I gave in and told him that i did and he was like, "I do too, in more ways than one" I dunno how to feel so i was feeling kinda weird...then he was gonna let me go cause he is going to work today and he was like, "Blow me a kiss" and i was like...uhhhh WTF? lol. too weird too weird I havent had some romance in my life for months now...Now...i will go to sleep...I need to think much tomorrow...my mind needs rest. i need to figure out what to do about this...what should my next step be?

Clinging

I was talking to John last night...yeah I guess you can say i can get over things easily when it comes to him. It seems as if I cling to him for dear life, as if he were the only person who can keep me sane, keep me from going bananas. I need to cut myself loose and let myself fall...but it seems impossible for the moment. He brings a smile to my face everytime he speaks to me. Sometimes he steps out of his way to make me feel better when its not even his place...he's not my man and probably never will be. I understand the logic by which guys are little players and what not. I'm no longer naive to think that everybodyis like me, in search for that special someone.

I miss Aaron...our stupid dysfunctional relationship kept me together...now thats not around anymore and I'm confused on what to do...should I wait a bit longer? should I look to somebody new?

Esteban...gosh I still think about him everyday. I wonder what he is doing, how he is doing, who the girl is that is now enjoying the light he brings...The happiness that experienced with him will forever follow me even when I am erased from his memory. The excitement that I had when i was just getting to know him still exists in me...but i have accepted that i am no longer somebody he looks towards to for anything...just a mere chat. I need to let go...somehow

You called

Aaron,
I'm so sorry that I missed your call...I feel like shit. i got it two weeks after you called...I'm so pissed off at myself and cried for days about it...I miss you, you asshole! I want you here with me...life just seems even harder without you around.

ARGH! Posting!

I have tried to post an entry twice already and this thing doesn't let me. What a Bitch. My internet connection isn't working correctly with this cable and it pisses the fuck outta me.

I've been talking to John these past couple of days...

Last night I was talking to him and he was so...caring...so sweet. I was telling him about my anemia and my irregular E-drop...uhhh he asked. lol. I was telling him that according to my doc I am weaker without my little green pills...blah blah he made me promise that i would get them next time I went to Houston...and that he was going to call me three times a day for me to remember to take them...I thought it was really sweet...

I wrote in my other blog...that I hated being just friends with him...he read it and he sent me a message saying how do you expect us to have a relationship when youre over there... I got BURNED mad. and I told him, I'm just expressing my thoughts...I'm not forcing you to do a damn thing. I was SOOOO pissed off that he would say that...of course he said other things but thats all I needed to say...blah I'm mad...I'm pissed off

I want my stupid room mates' friends gone...It really pisses me off that they bring a shit load of people over as if this was a half way house...no no this is my dorm too. They make so much fuckin noise pisses me the fuck off...I have a damn quiz tomorrow...I'm not trying to be a slacker this time around.

Wishing it was him

For some reason when I took a shower I was having this feeling that I was going to get a call...and exactly as i thought, when I came back into my room I had missed a call...I didnt recognize the number...i was kind of excited, thinking it was Aaron, but I was crushed when JR answered. He was all bitching at me because I hadn't answered his phone calls in the summer. Haha I don't want to pursue anything with him beyond friendship, but he wants to. I'm not attracted to him, personality-wise. He's a nice guy, but he's NOT what I want and I don't want to waste his time and my time...but i can't tell him straight out. I'm kinda like...aww poor guy, but I know what is right is that I should just tell him the truth. But Lately when I've told guys the truth, I've been slapped in the face (not literally). I've been told that I was a bitch by a guy twice in the matter of 2 weeks...just for being truthful...for speaking my mind. Fuck sugar coating it...

First Day

Tomorrow will be my first day of classes I'm kinda scared...its a 20 minute walk hahaha can you believe that? My first class is like the farthest building...the main one. Me and Shani walked around to see where our classes were. We saw the inside and stuff...its weird my Freshman comp classroom is VERY small, maybe for like 50 people. The other ones are HUGE though...crazy stuff...Its Bananas...hahaha Tommy Lee cracks me up. TR days are easier...my classes are right down the hall from eachother. That's great for my lazy ass...hahaha.

Over There

Why can't I just forget Aaron? Maybe because I feel like thats the only guy that will pay attention to me...I know he still loves me and misses me wherever he's at...but I need him here not over there. I have nothing else to say...

A lot to do

I woke up today cause of a call from the officer handling my case...my dad still stands firm on that he doesnt want to press charges...he believes in God punishing...I dont believe that bullshit. Our stupid justice system is so stupid...I live in a state that gives death penalties left and right but wont punish two 16 year olds for stealing a girls car. All I have left is my little yellow bunny with praying hands...that always made me miss Esteban.

Sometimes I wish i hadnt broken all my connections...Chad gosh that man loved me so much and he would walk on water for me if he had to...he would have taken the law into his own hands...I'm just feeling violent right now...

I received my parking permit...ehhh I felt weird...now i have to go to the trouble in returning it.

I went to the movies with Ana and Vanessa and Peter, they didnt get there on time so I went to Soundwaves accross the street and I gotthe new Staind CD hehehehe...it was a sign that i should get it hahaha. i don't know. I just felt like it. 15 bucks, maybe I should have bought it elsewhere. I'm still waiting for the Nip/Tuck DVD it should be out in like 10-12 days. I have to watch it before the 3rd season starts in September. But anyway we watched Four Brothers...I liked it it. Lots of guns lots of violence...so great...i cried *tear* it was sad in some parts. it was fun; Magic Johnson STINKS. its cheaper though so yeah...

Earlier in the day i went to have lunch/dinner/breakfast with mario and mayra...hahahaha at Jack in The Box. i kinda felt like doing a sit down place, but we were pressed for time. The burger was DRY...but we still ate it, but just time lol.

Tomorrow I have to go to Best Buy to see if I can fix my PC and to buy a new printer, I'm going to go get a haircut, call best buy to send my back ordered cam to UTSA, i'm calling UTSA fiscal servies to see how I can take off my holds, Calling UTSA FinAid to see how that is going, calling Reagan...ughhh I asked them to send a final trascript...and did they? NOOO!!! stupid asses!

Slow Reaction

Last night I wrote:

Sometimes I feel as if I am at the end of a dark tunnel running towards the light but never getting there…maybe I'm not really running, I'm power walking haha. Right now I don’t know how to react towards anything…I talked to John and he apoligized once again…he tried to act as if he's a GREAT friend. If you ask me I think he's faking it. I don’t give a fuck though it doesn’t faze me one bit anymore. He asked me are you still going to talk to me when you leave? And I'm like we'll see…and then he was all like, "knowing you…It was nice knowing you my number is…and my sn is…blah" and I'm like youre stupid…in my head though and I tell him, "my laptop screen is fucked up" and thgen he acts happy again and says, "I guess I will have to be calling you up while youre gone. If you don't mind that is" and I was like, "I would mind if you call me just because I got mad at you the other day. I'm not about to be your fuckin' pity case alright?" then he was like I'll talk to you later I'm gonna go play basketball.

Ugh whot-eva! I have a shit load of things to do and to buy before I go but I havent done it and I cant do it after cause I don’t have a car so…yeah. I'm supposed to go out with Vanessa and Ana tomorrow, going to the movies and junk. Maybe I will take my bro since he wants to see 4 Brothers too. I will have to see whats up. I want to buy some shoes before I go, but is it really imperative that I buy clothes at this moment? I mean it is college…who gives a damn what I look like…I'm going to show up in my pajamas fuck it…Its not as if I'd get prettier by the clothes that I'm wearing…same old eww me.

I'm still hoping that Aaron will call, and that Esteban will call…ugh I'm just a hopeless romantic. I need to snap out of it really…Can’t I ONCE for one entry can I write about me being happy? I guess I never really record the times when I'm happy, but the times that I'm sad.

Ana n Yoly called me and the phone was on silent so I didn’t answer. Hahaha Yoly was all like, "I'm Eduardo, youre a hot mama, I just want to eat you up" hahahaha it made me laugh theyre so retarded lol. They were inviting me to hang out before I leave…sucks that I cant go with them…probably the next time I will see them is on Thanksgiving, or Christmas break. We will have to see how it goes.

So much crap

so many things happened to me in a span of 24 hours...I was chillin in SPIsland and I get a call from HPD...my car had been stolen. On the way back to Houston we get a speeding ticket...I arrive at the place where my little honda is at and its tottalled...cant even turn on. it was grafhittied (SP?) in marker inside, the whole car is scratched up, broken mirrors, all 4 sides and top of car was dented in, right door wont close...and the list goes on...Officer arrives and he tells me I have to go to court to get them to go to jail...they were 16 so they get a slap on the hand for their first offense...bullshit. and if I want to sue for damages I will have to go to civil claims court. Dad doesnt want to so nothing is going to be done...

while I was waiting for the wreker to get to the place to pick up my car and take it to the shop mom called but I didnt have signal...she left a message. As I was listening to the messages there was 2 new messages. One from my mom and the other from Aaron...why I never received that call or picked up? I dont know...it was on the 4th of August. He said he missed me...what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?!? I cried in the rain for about an hour. This whole freakin day when I was in SPI all I could think about was him. Maybe it was something telling me something...I cant believe that I missed his call...I'm getting teary now...

Manny called me on the way to houston...He doesnt remember that night when he was acting a fool...I cut the conversation short...didnt really feel like talking to him for a long time.

Esteban called me too...somehow since it was my car that was stolen all I could think about was him at that time...he loves cars...but we only spoke for like 10 minutes while I told him the story of my car... then his line clicked...he put me on hold for a LONG time...dumbass. and then just to click over to tell me he would call me back. It was probably his new love interest that he was telling me about...that skank.

Then Dave called me from San Antonio...he's awesome. I might hang out with him first semester of school. he is going to be working at the mall accross from UTSA...we'll lunch date like he said hahahaha. He's dorky.

After that I got into it with John. He got mad and started saying all types of bullshit. He didnt say it straight out but I knew what he meant by the things he said. He's pissed...cause of things I cant mention, but the point of the story is that he thinks that all I'm not worthy of a relationship with somebody and that all I'm good for is a night...if you know what I mean. I was so hurt...I cried and I was embarrased because I was crying, but I cant help it that I'm so fuckin sensitive. I sobbed...and had that silent part in the middle you know what I'm talking about? I erased his number from my phone and his texts and everything...Now to erase him outta my memory.

I'm not saying that I wont speak to him again...I may be a bitch but I'm not that much of a bitch to not forgive somebody about something while they acted when they were mad....or am I? I will have to wait and see about that because I'm not sure.

Then I talked to my friend Sam...he's such an ass...hahaha but because of him being an ass I stopped crying...he said you met trash throw it away...and blah blah I dont remember...

Now I feel numb and sick...I wanna leave but my plans are now delayed to saturday...

Should be asleep

I should be asleep its pretty late, but it seems as if I have become and insomniac, which is fine I suppose. I do go out at night most of the time. I dont need to be awake during the day anymore. My lil bro is starting at his new elementary school tomorrow. He's going to be a Magnet kid uh! oh! just like his big Sis! I got in a big argument with my mom yesterday. She wanted me to go to my bro's school to get his school supplies when she had just gone the day before. I was still awake at 8 am but fell asleep. I odnt usually wake up until 1 pm on a regular basis. So, I didnt really see the big deal with me going to sleep. I woke up at one, I have an alarm hahahah and the comes in busting through the front door and she was like blah blah blah I DON'T NEED YOU! sO I went back inmy room and slept again. I mean...obviously she doesnt need me. i was going to get the school supplies they didnt close until 3. I dont know what the big deal was. She doesnt need me huh? Well we'll see how it goes when I'm gone. Ha I bet they wont even remember my name...

I dont know what to do about the John situation. In a way I feel I should apoligize and tell him that I will see him on Friday. I dont want to see him...like I said he will only want to have sex... and it shouldnt be a big deal but it is to me. I know He's not the best...maybe cause I was so used to Aaron...Shit...Aaron was a big time freak. In a way I'm like damn I should fuck him on Friday he's a HOOOOOTTTTTIIIEEE, but then again I'm like fuck that I dont need sex...haha. I'll think about it tomorrow.

Army Research

I did my research yesterday. Basic training for the army is 9 weeks. That means that Aaron wont be back home until late September. That makes me feel so...bad. I have waited a month and now i have to wait another. I didnt think i would miss Aaron so much but I do and now I dont know what the hell to do. Every number that calls me and I dont recognize I think its him, but realistically (SP?) its not him and I'm just making up stories in my head. I've made so many mistakes in my life but...when youre making them, you dont realize it and thats what screws you over. I want to be able to welcome him back home with open arms, but I wont even be in Houston when he comes back.

Somehow i feel as if I made the right decision in not getting married with Aaron...thats what my head tells me and my heart tells me that I'm a stupid retard for letting him leave the way he did and then my head's saying Aaron always comes back to you doesn't he? and I'm confused. I was never really sure if I actually loved Aaron or if I was just addicted to him, until now. I realize that he was a BIG part of my life. He made my world go round but I just treated him like dirt but it was only to fight back. Ehhh we were both at fault. Our relationship was the weirdest and I didnt expect it to change. I dont want a guy that I can push around...I can NEVER tell Aaron what to do which pissed me off and made me happy at the same time. I made him change so much though. I forced him to go to school and to do something with his life. I didnt actually think he was going to do something about it but he went back to school and thats awesome. Maybe its my fault that he's in the Army now. But hey it was his dream...so I should be proud of myself and proud of him, right?

I cant help but miss him...Its driving me crazy. John...and people of the summer were and will only be people of the summer. People to keep me from going insane from the lonely days stuck in between four walls. There has only been 4 important guys in my life and John isnt one of them.
JC was the first guy that ever paid attention to me
Chad was the first guy that loved me
Esteban the first guy that I loved
Aaron the only guy I've loved and hated at the same time

Bastard

I havent posted in the past few days...nothing has really happened, but I'll start with Today

I was talking to John and he wanted to see me on Friday...I said no because he would only want to fuck...and I dont feel like it really...uhhh I wont touch that subject too closely. So he got PISSED he said oh go have fun with your new guy blah blah. and I was like huh? and he was like you rarely want to see me, you only see me when you say so...(recently Its been that way and I've rejected every attempt that he's done in order to see me) and it not as if I wanted to cancel...its just that sometimes theres family things or other things...blah. And he said I dont want to talk to you ever again...basically in a nut shell. God...it hurt me so bad. I saw him last night...and two nights before that. gosh...I was pissed cause he was pissed and then I made it worse...AHHHH!!! he sucks ass!!!

On another note...I saw Raul and Jairo...awww it felt SOOOO good to see them again...They made me feel better about the whole separation of me from the clique. they said, "People come and go. You make new friends. We cant really changed what happened. We stood by them for a couple of months after you left, but then we realized that you were right and that when they started hanging around other people they changed. We cant really blame ourselves for that." Ohhh I missed them so much...!!! Raul is going to UT Austin (kinda made me feel stupid) and Jairo's going to TSU.

Family Vacation

So last night my mom told me that she wants us to go to South Padre Island. The thing is that she wants only me, my bro, her and my dad to go. And well i'm sorry but I cant spend two three days with my dad. he annoys the fuck outta me. And if I wear the "wrong" thing he gets pissed. I just can't do that ughhh. I asked her if i could invite somebody along and my dad is firm on his ground to just make it a family activity. HA like if we've ever been a family.

Today i received my room assignments, but its weird that we are missing one person. I heard the waiting list is up to the hundreds to live there. Its weird...I'm a hispanic, Shani is Black and the other chic Jessica is white. She is super skinny. Poor girl needs to be fed hahahah. She's from Clear lake...ugh. I dont even want to think about it, but I will try my best to get to know her first and then judge. Well...i feel like I need to get to know her. She seems nice so far.

Last night I was talking to Manny. Obviously he was high, probably on bars. He was acting so retarded. he was telling me all this nonesense. he was like youre so pretty, youre beautiful, youre fine, youre gorgeous. And he wouldn't stop. And then he was like, "the other day that i saw you, i wanted to kiss your lips. I wanted to...uhhh...taste your body with my lips. I...uhh...I know that you are on a different level...and blah" I felt so embarrased...for him and for me. And i was txting john at the same time. So then I got fed up with his stupid behavior, so I hung up on him. He didnt wanna go to sleep so I just hung up. then he called back and i rejected his call. He left me a message, "hey...uhh...I miss you. alright. bye" what a dumbass. That whole situation made me feel uncomfortable.

A lot to blog

Friday
Shani arrived really late like 45 minutes late. I was kinda pissed off but I sucked it up. It was just so hot and I dont have the patience to be waiting. Then Vanessa called and wanted us to pick her up from band practice. She lived by Maritza so it was cool I guess. So we picked her up and left to BCW to meet up with Ana. There she let us know that she didnt have housing at UTSA so she wasnt going. Which kinda made me feel bad...crippled my leaving. I wanted her to go...So then Peter was being a pain in the ass so we left to go home. We arrived and Mom was chillin. We rested for a lil' while and then called up Victor to go shopping with us. We took off at around 730 went to Walmart, then Anna's, then target. I didnt see the fine cute guy there. Figures it was the afternoon shift. We bought our stuff there, then we didnt want to go home still so we went to Old Navy and then to Target...we were tired. so we went to blockbuster rented: boys dont cry, the diary of mad black woman, virgin suicides & cursed. we watched them the whole night...

Saturday
we talked about 3 hours about stuff you know? and then my uncle got there and he was pissed off. Victor had taken the car keys and my uncle needed to go to work. I took him back home and then I returned and we wantched the ending of Virgin Suicides & Cursed. Ughhh those movies were SOOO boring, pointless and stupid. then we drank coffee to try to stay awake. it was hard. I took a shower and dropped off Victor. and me and Shani waited for my mom to get there. She got there quick and then we were off to Claire's. We waited FOREVER, but there was only one person there so I had to understand you know? So she got her cartilage (SP?) pierced. we broswed around...but then got tired rather quickly. So we had only spend ONE hour there. hahaha we got home and crashed until 530. Then I didnt wanna get up...hahaha but got up and drove to Hard Rock. We got there and Mario hadnt gotten ready yet. So we waited...and while we waited Esteban called me. i was like huh? wow. hahaha I told him about Aaron, and he opened up about his flavor of the season as I put it. It kinda hurt me. And it kinda made me wanna give him a visit and smack the hell outta him. I cant slap sense into that poor man...boy whatever!! hahahah. Then we sat down with Antonio and AB and some girl...as soon as Mario got there they left to Celebration Station. I guess Antonio thought that Rebecca was coming along. Ughh yeah history...we should leave that behind
Chicken called and we ended going to the club with him which was fun i suppose...it wasnt as fun as it was the last time. we met a couple of people. they were all friendly hahahah. anyway then we went to Ihop and I found out that Kiki is going out with HOOOOTTTT guy David. Damn her and her nice and pretty self!!! hahahah Its alright I didnt really expect to see them again. But whatever. Chicken was drunk off his ass and he didnt even know who he was talking to. I was just there on the sidelines...since me and Kiki stopped being friends a LONG time ago. I looked and felt blowed... hahaha we sat far away from them though, in the smoking section. When we were coming out of iHop these guys were hollarin' at Shani it was fuckin funny. hahahaha she got skurred. and they got out at the same time too which was weird. I just got in the car as fast as I could. I didnt want part of anything. Then when we were driving home manny called. it was like 430 that dumbass. He was trying to take advantage of the situation cause I wasnt right. Dumbass!!!

Fucked up

So I fucked things up with John...ughhh why did he have to read my other blog which states everything I do with different guys on random days of rebellion against my parents during the wee hours of the morning. Why they don't catch on? I dunno...I mean I sleep a LOT during the day...c'mon??? Ughhh I dunno what I should do about the John situation, though I don't use his real name on the other blog he caught on...ughhh I'm a dummy.

Aaron...I still miss him and I wish everyday that passes tht once he comes out of basic training he will join me in San Antonio like he should. What if he's shipped off to who knows where before he even gets to come back and contact me. I miss him with such..missingness lol. I want to be in his arms again with his sweet kisses and all the rest that I am not at liberty to say...much too personal plus, y'all wont wanna hear about that stuff hahahah.

Tomorrow Shani is coming over and I'm not even much home...my room is upside down like it always is, but how do I do that so quickly I dont even know... My grandma and aunts left to SA today...they never invite me on those family trips and it kinda hurts me...though I can't go anyway but they didnt know that.

I went to the Aquarium today. No big deal...the kids had tons of fun and thats whats important. I don't really care if I didnt have as much fun as I thought I would have but i guess I have to spend as much time as I can with my lil bro before I go cause later he might just hate me with all the bad ideas my dad puts in his head about me. I'm not a bad sister...maybe I'm not the best daughter but i am a damn good sister.