Family Matters

This weekend was sorta kinda good I suppose. I didn’t really quite do EVERYTHING I was supposed to do and after my NoDoz incident…I’m very, VERY disappointed. I went through all that bull shit to only end up with a 70. It burned me to the point where I wanted to scream though I was in the library…so shhh!! I had to be quiet.

I didn’t get to visit the girls…which kinda got me all pissed off, but I blew it off anyway. I can definitely say that this weekend was all about the family. Friday I arrived at around 530 and left to my house at around 7. My lil’ bro almost told on me…about my piercing, but I bribed him with the Doom movie and with a GameBoy game. Actually, I don’t even fuckin remember what I did Friday, but it was probably nothing productive…oh now I remember. I passed out at like 9 at night. And I guess the NoDoz was still in my system and I kept on waking up every freakin hour which really pissed me off.

I didn’t sleep much. My mom left to the dentist and I just fell asleep. She came around at like 11 and woke up me. She wanted me to her drop off, and I was going to go to the movies with my lil’ bro. I got ready and were off by 2. Me and my bro saw Doom…*drool* The Rock and his co-star were both equally HOTT. I wanted to fuck ‘em both haha. We left the movies and I was still feeling sick. We went to Sally’s and I bought the best damn flat iron that cost me an arm and a leg. Then I bought that photo album from Things Remembered and then that thing for my computer and some blank CDs. I went to pick up mom and we went to Burlington. I bought my new Jacket and some mittens. The lines were LONG and I was very aggravated. Then I got a call from Mario, but turned out he couldnt go anywhere. Me and Victor headed over to this wedding and we danced and danced lol. We were dancing all “out of the norm” but whatever I know I looked good doing it, and even if I didn’t I still had fun. Then he came over and we talked for a good 2 hours.

My aunt looked all happy, she thinks she might be pregnant. I guess it’s a good thing, but I’m all weirded out by babies right now. Sunday, I was supposed to go to church but I had just fallen asleep a couple of hours before and I just DIDN’T wanna get up. But then I had to get up to go to my god-mother’s house. They live all the way in Alief so I was like arghhh!!! We got there…the baby is SOOO pretty. She’s like a pretty little doll. My god-mother lied! Lol she told this lady that my mom and her were so close, that they were like sisters. Bull SHIT! But whatever. Then her mother kept on trying to make me buy some Mary Kay, like if I got money for that she must be out her damn mind. A d then since she couldn t convince me to buy any she wanted me to sell…uhh no I don’t have time for that shit. We left…2 hours after we had planned to leave and I wanted to eat some pupusas not some fried chicken.
Then we were headed towards my grampa-uncle’s house cause he lost his eye last week, but me and my dad convinced my mom that we didn’t need to go. And we headed over to my g-mas house instead. I got 70 bucks from my aunt Gladys and grandma. I got to carry little Ruby around. She’s so peaceful and if she does cry, she cries softly. Then on the way back we stopped at this Salvadoran place and I got some Yuca. Gosh the owner’s son is SOOOOOOOOOOO hotttt. But I cant hit that, I don’t think he’s interested in me anyway. Lol. Fuck it.

Then we dropped off my bro and my dad and headed to Walgreens there I bought some hair dye and then we headed to Exxon to go apply to get a speed pass. Some ignorant fool was working there, but whatever. No biggie. We got back home and I dyed my mom’s hair and made pumpkin pie. Then I dyed my hair and then did the second step and I was like arghhh…I got fed up and I just dyed the whole front part like a dumbass. So the whole front is orange. I don’t give a fuck! Hahaha I’ll probably end up dying it again in a couple of weeks. I couldn’t go to sleep at all…and I didn’t.

Andee called me at about 330 and I still didn’t make it in time. But that wasn’t my fault. I was ready to go. Then we arrive in SA and we hit traffic. She seemed all upset and aggravated…I was like hummm whoa! And I felt bad cause she got up early cause of me. I wasn’t going to go to class but I ended up going cause of her sake. I mean it woulda been kinda rude for me not to show up to class when she woke up early just for me to go.

I got there and I didn’t do shit. That class gets on my last nerve. I wanna ring everybody’s neck in there, except for Joanna’s lol. I just drew the girl with the “hair” lol and the walls and junk, yes I was that bored. But anyway, I have to go to class in like 10 minutes so I gotta go…and be lazy again hahaha.

Way too early

i'm up from pulling and all-nighter. I woke up around 6 pm today...wishing i had slept longer but my phone kept ringing...first time thats happened in ages it seems. I wonder why I didnt turn it off, and unplugged the other one. I have now studied for about 9-12 hours lol...and i'm like ahhh!!! I mean I dunno I dont feel confident still. like I know a summary of everything but not everything specifically.

At around 430 I felt really sick, and my head hurt, and I was sleepy, so I took off to Walmart and took the longest time cause I had never bought No-Doz and I didnt know where it was located. After about 20 minutes of looking and almost falling asleep while standing up, I found it and decided to pay at the self checkouts. I had to get aproval for the No-Doz...which took like 15 minutes.

I swear I was so sleepy that I think I coulda died today...Stupid SAN ANTONIO AND THEIR DAMN CIRCULAR TURNS!!! I swear its so stupid...who ever designed the roads here musta been retarded. I was driving at high speeds...yeah i know that was stupid and the road was slippery from the rain...man...I coulda like rolled in my little car and if I was driving an SUV I probably would have. The tires just made a screeching noise.

I came back onto campus and somebody had already taken my parking spot which wasnt good in the first place...BASTARDS! so I parked way in the fuck out there near the street which really pissed me off cause i'm leaving today, and so do most people so my car is going to be left out in the open.

I'n like sorta kinda wired right now...i know that I am completly awake and there is no sign of me being sleepy, but its not like I'm hyper or anything. I'm pretty calm. i seemed to have really focused on my readings and maybe if I wouldnt have taken them pills I woulda passed out at 5.

I'm WAYYYYY too stressed out...my hair is falling out in clumps. which scares the hell outta me.
Gotta go gotta study more.

Prime/TGIF

Tonight was good. I needed to leave the dorm and feel a little alive. We went to see Prime (we as in Me, Andee, Shani, Joanna and Fabian Andee's friend). It was a funny movie...i liked-ted-it, except for the ending. Now that sucked, though it was probably realistic...sorta. We got there really late, compared to the rest of the folks, so we sat in the front row. Then it ended at 9 and we headed over to TGIF. it was good. We got to know Fabian a little bit, but he was having "technical difficulties" so we didnt get to speak to him much, but from what I saw he seemed like a good guy. Me and Shani judged too quickly...bad very bad lol. I think Joanna felt uncomfortable. I will ask her on a later date.

Oscar called me. I was in the restaurant so I told him that i would call him back. It was so weird I used that "lovey dovey" voice. lol I dont even know where that came from. He did seem like he was upset or tired or something. I called back, but he didnt answer me. I missed him so much.

I'm so pissed off...but not really. Hopefully Friday will go smoothly. I'm not in a fighting mood. I'm kinda all down...

Blah i feel sick!

Ive been so out of it that I dont even much know if I had updated about the past weekend but now I see that i have. So somebody is like REALLY pissing me off and I told my mom about it and she got all rowdy too hahaha.

Tomorrow me, Shani, Andee, Joanna and Andee's guy friend are supposed to go see Prime and then to TGI Fridays for dinner. Hopefully it will be fun...always fun though.

Thursday Mayra's coming down and we'll go visit Rosy, then come back and pick up Shani and possibly Andee (Shani invited her...its cool though). I know Andee needs breathing room.

Friday, we're going to Houston and I have the whole weekend booked. Friday we arrive and go to a later dinner with Ana and Vanessa. Saturday, I'm taking my lil' bro to go see Doom cause I wanna see it and cause he wants to see it. Saturday evening I need to stick Victor somewhere in my schedule. maybe we could go to the club or see Saw II. And then Sunday morning I need to go visit my god-sister because she had her baby like a month ago. I feel bad cause I didnt even go to her baby shower. Ughhh i dont feel like going but whatever.

I really need to study for this next ANT test. I mean damn...I need to really pick up my grades. I mean I think I can only afford to fail ONE class this semester, hopefully I just fail WRC. I havent started on the essay due Friday and I wont finish it if I started yesterday hahaha. So, I think I will start on the first essay. hahaha. Whatever..I'm pulling an all nighter tonight though my test isnt until Friday, but whatever.

I miss Aaron *tear*

I LOVE Club Antro!

Saturday, we woke up at around 12 ish and washed clothes. Then headed over to have brunch. We called Andee if she wanted to go to Northstar, so we headed over there. We bought some clubbin clothes and Shani's b-day present. Rosalva was sleepy so we went to buy some starbucks to wake her up. We came back to our dorm and had burgers and fries for dinner, and started watching Donnie Darko. lol that was an awesome movie. Funny, made you think, and a little scary lol. Hopefully Andee didnt have any nightmares. Then after that we gathered all of our crap and headed over to Andee's place and got ready. We got together with Rosalva's friends and headed over to Antro. At first it was sorta empty and the lone dancer was there again lol. It was kinda like ugh I guess lol. but around 1230 it picked up and we danced a whole lot lol.

At first this REALLY hot guy that looked like he could dance good came up to Rosalva and the poor guy got rejected. lol Then two good lookin guys came up to me and I said no. lol Then I was like damn it...shoulda said yes. But maybe deep down inside I dont wanna be involved with anybody other than Aaron...when he hopefully comes back, right? lol. Rosalva's friends left us like after the first song and it turned out that they left to Bar-rio but didnt like it cause they had a live band...we coulda told them that.

So we headed over to Ihop, the one we went to last week, and we had better service this time. The lady remembered us...lol. The food was good and we all had a very GOOD conversation... When Andee talked about how somebody...that I will not mention has been taking advantage of her, we all thought she was going to start to cry. I felt really bad and we all told her that she needed to put a stop to ALL of that cause she (the person) was going to keep on doing that.

Overall the night was GREAT! we all had so much fun lol.

Sole SUCKS!

Friday I went to the mall with Joanna and Shani, and then later Rosalva got there. Since me and Shani are determined to go to every club possible, we decided to go to Sole, but then it was sorta empty so we headed to Bar-rio. We were like the first-ish people there. And we sat down for a while. Cause it was empty also lol. We waited for about 30 minutes and it was sorta full. But Andee's friend was nagging that she wanted to go back to Sole. So we leave and then when we get there she's like NO, lets go to Antro. Of course I knew where Antro was but man, I was just annoyed by her. So we ended up paying 7 bucks to go in to the crappiest club EVER. Bunch of Thugs and hoes everywhere. It looked like it used to be a McDonalds or something. It was super small and super ghetto. The girls there were like all kissing up on eachother and drunk. It was just like ugh...The photographer took a pic of us...lol. And now its going to be shown in the big screen...ahhh!!! I dont want any record of me being there! I was really pissed off and didnt wanna dance. And Andee's friend was talking shit about Shani, Joanna, Rosalva and Andee...which got me even more pissed off.

Andee ended up giving her the keys to her car so she'll get the fuck away lol. And then I started dancing. but we left early, like at 130. Headed over to the ihop off Dezavala, but the service there SUCKED. And then went back home took a shower and fell fast asleep.

Day wasted

Say it to my face!

When the sun goes down, I'll be ready to PARTY

Last night was fun. Mayra and Leo came down from Austin to go clubbin. Since we're new to this city, we dont really know like where everything's at lol. So I was looking online for clubs or whatever...and there was this club called Antro. We decided to go there. Its not that far away from campus. We arrived and...well it looked kinda dead. but decided to park and check it out. We got like a few feet from the door and Leo was like let's go back! and I was like yeah...it looks kinda dead. And then Mayra called her friend from SA asking if the club was any good. While she was calling Shani was all fucked up lol (we had taken shots before we left) and she was like lets just GO IN! lol and then I was like ohhhh my song! (Mentirosa) lol so we dragged Leo inside. The bouncers were kinda rude...ugh. lol.

We walked inside, the music was pumpin...really good music. but still it was kinda dead. We're feeling the music and we dance anyway. lol Then this guy...hummm he was wearing glasses, kinda chubby, but I guess he had courage...he asked Shani to dance. It was so funny cause the way he was dancing was like...hahahaha!!! she was like, "he had BAD breath and I didnt wanna turn around cause he was already touching my sides" lol Then there was this other guy on the dance floor. Poor guy he was trying so hard to dance. I bet he was having the time of his life. He sure was dancing his heart out! And then these Asians lol they danced funny.

There was a LOT of hotties in that club...well a lot of guys all together. lol. and then there was this drunk chic...ugh she was getting on my last nerve I wanted to kick her ass. lol but opted out since the damn club took my ID!!! lol

After that we went to Ihop with Amanda...i ordered something new wow! lol No more chicken strips for me. The ihop was ghetto and small. The waitress ended up spilling butter on Amanda...ugh. that was rude. Maybe we're all going to go to the Fallout Boy Concert...Awesome! And Amanda invited us to her big 20th birthday bash, even more awesome! lol We'll see how everything goes when we go up to Austin in two weeks.

Looking Through Facebook

I was looking through facebook yesterday afternoon and I found a lot of my middle school friends...and the one that wasnt. Blah, i couldnt figure out why, I mean it was like damn...I saw her picture and all the anger came back like if we were still in middle school. Gosh I hated how fake she was...blah She's back home going to U of H. but whatever...my suspicions that my other friend was here on campus was wrong lol. So everybody is right, I am going blind. But man I swear that boy looks just like him. I was dissapointed that he wasnt here. he's with Rosalva in Aggie land lol. And I dunno it seems like if, everybody in middle excelled to becoming whatever, and I'm here at UTSA feeling like a loser. Like if I deserved better or something, but blah whatever. I'm here and I plan to stay here.

Last night, college night of course, me and Shani decided to go out. lol Lemme tell you it was a ride that i will never forget...crazy...lol

Just like me

I've become an addict to blogging. Maybe because somehow I feel like I'm actually talking about my problems to somebody. Gosh sometimes I wish I was on meds or something. But as a hispanic, deppression doesnt really exist...and whatever I have can get slapped off like nothing.

Sometimes knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

I dont feel like crap because of him...just cause I dunno...I dont even know how to explain it. I'm scared that what happened to me freshman year in high school is goingto end repeating itself. AHHH!!! I want them all gone so I can scream!!! I swear sometimes i wish I lived alone.

I keep on thinking about everything...like how am I going to end up paying for my school? Am I even going to be able to stay here another year? can i even afford it? I mean like id I go back home or end up flunking out, my dad will be there telling me, I TOLD YOU SO! He said he wasnt paying a cent...when he has in his bank account way over 20, 000. One semester fully paid would have been enough. Or at least him paying what tuition would have cost if I attended U of H. My stafford loan, and grants and my scholarship would have paid the rest. But no! He's so stubborn.

I take up for his side of the family. Me and him are very much alike. And we are like oil and water...when it comes to socializing with eachother. I dont understand...how could you live without even socializing with your own flesh and blood. And it angers me that now that I'm gone he talks to all types of people about me saying, "Oh my daughter is so smart shes going to college, She takes up for me, did you know that? Yeah she's just like her old man. She may not do a lot of things, but when she does do them she does them right. She doesnt bull shit around." I am like him in a lot of ways...most of who i am resembles him. But when it comes to my inner deep feelings, I'm fragile like my mom. But he couldnt tell me all that shit to my face? No, the good shit, they never fuckin tell you, but the bad shit, they get a tongue work out.

I'm obsessing over Aaron...all I do is think about him. I'm concerned for my mental health haha

I Love Water

I'm here listening to Franz Schubert, and enjoying it. I've always been a big fan of classical music, but the sad kind. This one is all like in your face screaming "LET'S DANCE LIKE IN TITANIC!" lol.

Anyway, i was reading other people's blogs today and I was like...humm their lives seem way more interesting than mine. lol. I just mope around about the men that have gone and went in my life...blah. What else do I have to talk about? I dont have an extensive vocabulary to make everything sound marvelous. I just use a lot of profanity hahah. And then i started wondering, does anybody read my blog? I doubt it, but whatever. I just started recording my history because I have such a crappy memory. I'm scared that when I'm old and cant even wipe myself I'll get alzheimers or however its spelled.

I should be doing this outline for my history class...blah I dont want to. and its like crap cindy! you;ve sat on your ass all day might as well do something, but no...I've seen all my midterm grades and I have a C in each class...except TX politics I dunno whats going on with that one. I have a test next week and I havent showed up to class in like 2 weeks. hahaha. Ughh...I complain that in my HIS class, the tests are so far apart and its crazy for me to remember all of the information (though I did pass the midterm with a C without studying), and then I complain that in my ANT class the tests are like 2 weeks apart. i just got done with one test last week, and next week I have another. What a bitch! I do love that class though.

I dont know where my life is headed now. After me and Aaron broke up, I put so much energy into getting John, that my mind refused to take anybody else seriously. Now, its weirding me out that there isnt one soul that I can talk to. No guy that is lusting over me. No guy that wants to get to know me. And I dont even have a crush. There's no guy that I desire here in SA. Nobody that whenever he passes by I try to find something to do with my hands and look at my feet or look to the side as if there was really something interesting on the wall.

Trying to be Optimistic

When it comes to EVERYTHING I'm always the first one think the worst, expect the worst, imagine the worst, give up before the "worst" comes...hahahha I miss Aaron dearly...and i want him back with me where he belongs. I was talking to my friend last night and she told me that she wants him back too, she thinks he'll be good for me. Our relationship was very dysfunctional, but it ultimately worked and we loved eachother very much.

I just need somebody to here for me while I get rid of any "John", Javier memories that I have. Well...I just need Aaron...I'm like trying really hard to actually believe he's thinking about me and all that mumble jumble. I keep on wondering what he's doing, what he's up to...I cant help it. I still love him. I gotta wonder about stupid stuff like that.

On another note, this guy I used to be friends with back in sophomore year called me today. lol...hummm in funny circumstances. He said he was calling everybody he knew cause he just got outta jail lol. He said he was in there for 6 months. I was like whoa! lol. He's stupid. I knew he was going to end up in some kind of bull shit like that. He said they were almost going to rape him up in there and that he joined in in a raping of a white guy that got put in there for raping a little boy...uhhh he had already done participated in homosexual activities before. he used to work as a rent-a-cop at a gay club back in Houston. hehehehe My friend from middle school knew him...always thought that he was cute or whatever. lol But that was weird...and I dont want him calling me anymore. I just answered cause I didnt know the number and I keep on getting paranoid that its Aaron. but whatever...

One of these days he's really going to call and I'm not going to answer...lol

I went to class today and it was really hot in the morning and i was like ughh just another day. I went into class and when I came out an hour 1/2 later it was super dark outside and it was raining cantaros. I had my trusty umbrella, but I still got wet from my mid-thigh down. I was wearing flip flops to kill it even more and now my legs hurt really bad...my feet were freesing for a good 15 minutes and then when i dried off and changed clothes I didnt put socks on so I my legs were still cold but i was like whatever...lol its going to be my own fault if I get sick.

The stupid dorm phone rarely works and its getting on my damn nerves...I cant use my minutes cause somebody else is hogging them all like if daytime calls are of a life and death matter. Ughh just really pisses me off that she uses the minutes like crazy. I dont want it to go overboard with the minutes again, when the extra minutes are 35 cents more. UGH...I need to call my loan lender...

Todo Queda En Cero

I texted John's Girlfriend today cause I was determined to tell her everything I knew. So she called me like an hour afterwards and I told her everything I could...

You know she seems like a bad ass cool girl and that happening to her just pisses me off. especially cause of the circumstanses. she said that she had been with him for about 7 years and they were already talking about getting married. I was like WHOA...and I told her the bottom line you know? I'm not no chump and I wasn't about to keep quiet about shit like that when she was (or still is) going to get married to him.

So yeah I told her what I knew and she was very understanding, didnt go psycho like Albert's girlfriend. So we had a very calm conversation...She seems really nice. I cant imagine why...well I can. he was probably like...wanting to try new "ins and outs" of the trade. Her voice...she sounded older like she was in her late 20s. I have no idea...whatever. I'm just GLADDDDDDDD that its ALL OVER. But I'm so mad at myself for not trusting my gut feeling.

I will now stay my single self, until my next adventure hahaha

More than words

I cant really say how I'm feeling right now...not like I dont know how I feel. I know exactly how. But its kind of hard for me to explain it. I am just reall dissapointed in the "fates"...the ones that control my love life. But I guess my love life is now extinct. hahahaha We're 9 days away from 3 months since Aaron's departure and still no word. I'm not like...how should I say...worried that something bad has happened to him, but I'm like...I dunno...All gloomy casuse he hasnt called me to just I dunno...

He loves me I know it...We've always found ways to get back to eachother...and why did this time...why hasnt he come back to me this time?

It feels so good out here today...like not t

I'll be just fine, pretending I'm not

This week...keeps on getting worse and worse. It has deteriorated my love life to nothing. So...guess who called me last night? John's girlfriend. yeah...John's girlfriend. At first she called me at around 918 to ask for a Diana...and I was like...hummm you got the wrong number. By 930 I was already asleep...she called again at 330 am bitch! she woke me up lol. And she was like I'm jay's girlfriend who are you? is your name Erica? do you go to bank one? oh lord...

I was like i don't know who youre talking about. Shit i was half asleep I didnt know who "Jay" was or if i banked at Bank One...I Bank at Bank of america. And then I was like god I'm so tired of psycho girlfriends calling me. lol. I was really annoyed...I just wanted to go to sleep.

So then we hung up. I couldnt go back to sleep and I became wide awake and i was like...JOHN!!! thats who she was talking about. So...now I'm just waiting for her to possibly call me back so that I will tell her everything and hopefully she wont go psycho on me. She seemed like a rational gal, she's understand me right?

After that whole thing I was like...no more crying for that asshole!

ehhh I need to get fucked up... I deserve it since I went to class everyday this past week.

Finally OVER

I think that this was the last straw when it came down to John. He was being an asshole...an asshole. He made a fool of me and I dont need none of that. I mean he like confuses me way too much. One day he's all over and then another day he's like stay arms length away. And then when I accept the fact that we're only friends and nothing more. He gets...he gets all pissed off. what the fuck?!? He's the one that wanted it that way and why is he getting all pissed off? He's a dumbass and I will refrain from getting myself emotionally involved with him cause its just not worth it.

I'm not going to let him do that to me...why should I?

All week

So, I've actually shown up to class everyday this week. Horray!! I just didnt want to miss class...I dont wanna be a loser and not show up. Well for the exception of my politics class...seriously what a waste of time. Eventhough I've shown up to class everyday, I havent been doing much. Just being lazy and sleeping shit loads and crying over crap that i should just forget about.

I talked to John yesterday and he said that he wanted to put our little argument behind us and move on. I'm all for it, but how am I supposed to move on if he keeps on doing the same shit to me. He did it again yesterday and pissed me off so much. But I didnt have much time to think about it more cause I immediately fell asleep afterwards. Yeah, i dunno whats going on with me, but all I wanna do is sleep.

Today was pretty cool. I woke up at 7 and I turned off my alarm. I didnt get out of bed and I was determined to miss class. but then the stupid lady lump song or whatever got in my head and I lost my sleepiness. and I was like fuck it, so I got up, brushed my teeth washed my face and put a ponytail up and by 730 I was out the door. I arrived at class pretty early. Since I've been having problems with my eye sight I decided to sit on the fifth row, compared to sitting on the last row, or sitting in the chairs behind the last row.

I was really annoyed by the white guy that was sitting next to me. It was like damn youre a dumbass, pay attention so you'll stop asking the prof to repeat every damn thing. Ugh I just rolled my eyes at him and I guess he noticed and he stopped asking questions and copying his notes from the asian girl with a laptop sitting in front of him. I'm serious he's such a loser.

I went to breakfast with Shani and then headed to wash...I had no clean pants what so ever. so I had been repeating...and the clothes from the clubbin day still smelled horrible from all the malboro reds my friends were smoking. So I washed, started on my ANT readings and came back upstairs...did nothing for about two hours and then realized that I forgot to turn in my ANT homework that was due yesterday...and now, I'm just remembering it again hahahaha. I'm a loser. Then Shani came back from her first class ans we ate half of the pasta leftovers from yesterday...mmmm good. lol

Why do you use me?

Esteban,
so I guess the whole reason youve been calling me these past 4 days is for you to use me for you to get info on the slut back whore Valerie. And I;m not supposed to be hurt by the shit youre asking me to do? I mean i did it cause, I didnt want to seem like a bad friend, or seem as if I still have feelings for you cause I dont want you to think that at all...because I KNOW that you dont care about me as much as I care about you. I will only do more harm than good.

when you were talking to me...god you sounded like if you were really obssessed with that Valerie skank. You liked her the way you never liked me. Why did you ask me to do that when you...you should know that I still have STRONG feelings for you? Youre such an idiot...

I was already dealing with the fact that me and you were not meant to be and that you were never going to call me ever again! and I was doing just fine with you calling me, I wasnt even crying like I usually did after everytime you called me...and now I want to scream and the tears just WONT STOP FLOWING DOWN MY CHEEKS!!!

Everyday/Over

Esteban has been calling me everyday since friday. i don't know if i should be glad, or just be like whatever about it. I dont know exactly why he's calling me. Yeah him and that slut back whore arent officially talking anymore, but when him and Arlette the other slut back whore broke up, he didnt come running to me. He just mentioned it, once. and that was it.

Today he called and I thought it was my mom and Shani grabbed the cell and she couldnt unplug it from the charger it was funny and then I couldnt unplug it...and I panicked and didnt know what button to press. ahahahah and I was laughing really hard when I answered and he was like, "Aww, youre always laughing, always laughing" The tone he said it with was like one of those tones you take when you adore something, when you miss something really bad. Like the tone I take when I talk about him. I felt special hehehehe

then he started talking to me about the slut back whore, named Valerie. Supposedly she likes someone else...and left him. Ha! Ring any bells. Whoa! What he did to me happened to him. And he did the same exact thing I did...got shit faced. I still love Esteban, I will just call the whole Arlette thing lack of judgement.

I still havent told him what I'm supposed to tell him, but someday I'll find a way to tell him.

I had the big fight with John again...last night and I started crying...a LOT. It kinda distracted me from the plan I had which was to study my ass off for my Anthropology exam. I didnt get myself together until like 3am. And I pulled an all nighter. I got an 80.

_____Esteban Called at 200am_____
The crying continues...Esteban is obssessed with Valerie...he cares about her madly the way he never cared for me. I'm supposed to be OVER it, so when he called I did what he asked me to do. I called the slut back whore's casa...twice. I saw no point in what that benefitted him in any kind of way...Maybe he just wanted to hear her voice. I was getting really irritated...and I told him, "you seem bored. Is that all you needed from me?" Cause of course thats all he wanted from me. And me being the stupid retard that i am that will do anything for him, I did it. And then...when he didnt need me anymore he said he had to go to bed, well I told him to go to bed cause it was really late...so that he would stop stressing over it and leave me alone.

I just...felt so freakin JEALOUS. and used...He will NEVER see me the same way he did. Give it up CINDY!!! I'm just one of the good friends that he thinks he will always have. And theres no freakin point in me telling him a damn thing. I wouldnt be surprised if he didnt call me for a while. He said that he kissed her today...he kissed her...wow.

As the tears flow down my face I see that I gain nothing with it. and God has totally forgotten about me since the start of summer. I want to scream, I want to curse God and all his heavens. Its all in my...I dont have anything left, so what can I loose plan.

I'm still the naive girl from freshman year that jumps ino conclusions w/o looking at the facts.

Drunk calls

Today...was different I guess...Rosalva and JC came down from A&M to party down here with us. We hung out with Maribel...she was throwing a party for her friend's birthday party... there was a lot of guys...hott ones hahaha but Shani and Rosalva didnt wanna stay. I couldnt get drunk so I was like ok whatever. so we left in search for the club...but it was like 230 by the time we got close to that side of town. So we were like fuck it. we went to ihop lol.

While we were at ihop I got a call from an 832 number and I was like WTF? I answered and I didnt know who it was. I thought it was JC, but then I was like how the fuck did he get my number. and then he was like, "you don't know who this is?" and I was like getting impatient so I was like, "No who's this!?" It was Esteban. He had just got out the club and the boy was tipsy. I couldnt really recognize his voice.

He was telling me about the skank he likes...and how she's causing drama with his family. He thinks that she's only after him cause he's cute and cause he's so and so's cousin. and he was asking me what he should do...I told him that i couldn't really tell him much cause my opinion was going to be biased. But I told him that if it was affecting him negatively, he should just let that go. And he was all like, "She causes so much drama. Why couldn't I end up with a good girl like you?? Why do the circumstanses have to be this way? Why did I let you go for that other girl? You cared about the real me" Which is all true...I loved him because of the way he was...still is. I was so shocked by what he had said that I speechless. and I said, "I don't know what to tell you? What are you trying to say...? I mean I don't want you to talk to me just because some other girl rejected you" and he was like, "No, no I would never do that to you. I would have to get rid of her completly, in order for me to talk to you. I would never talk to you for that reason."

In a way that burst my bubble...like he only said that I was a good girl...not hey youre "talking" material. And I think he said that he still liked her. Cindy doesnt fit into the puzzle...Gosh. it hurts me so much. I told him that I had to tell him something really important, but when he was sober. I was going to spill my guts to him. I wonder if he will remember that tomorrow when he's good. Supposedly he was going to call, but he always says that and doesnt.