I've had many a-shitty boyfriends in my life. All I have stayed with because I always have the "it will get better" attitude. I guess I'm 24 years old and I still don't know how to value myself. I may have lost 77 pounds, but I'm still 300 pound Cindy. Its a fucking tragedy that what I thought would give me lots of confidence...just hasn't. On to the story...
I have a boyfriend, almost 2 months in. He's sweet and kind, and he takes care of me. He makes me laugh and I feel strongly for him. But he has another side to him...one that makes me cry. One that tears me so far apart that it smashes my face on the pavement.
Sometimes I feel like he's playing some sick game with my emotions to see how far I am able to go. How long I am able to last. Throws around the comment, "If you can't deal with me then you don't have to be with me" How the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel, special? Like I'm fucking priceless? More like I'm fucking stupid replaceable bitch who just happens to be there.
And then even if he's wrong he just wants to wash his hands of it. Points the finger toward me...makes me out as the bad guy EVERY TIME. I'm a very resiliant person, I think. I may cry, and may pout, but at the end of the day I'm still standing. I feel like he's taking a bat to my legs every time he hurts me with his words.
Then I just start thinking, "Would Juan ever do this to me?"And then I feel even more terrible because I know that he wouldn't. Four fucking years and I still miss him. I wish I wish I found somebody that loved me the way he did, unconditionally, and completely devoted to me because he loved me, truly loved me.
I fucked him over so bad that karma is just fucking me 69 times.
