Relationship Damn it!

3 hours

Bl-ugh

I'm upset. I am in Houston and Matthew hasn't called me in two days. He did the same shit when I had just came back from VA. I'm soooo mad...so upset, so disappointed. And yeah, I'm a sensitive gal...thats just how I am, but this is different. I'm not like blowing up his phone...I'm not texting and calling him every 5 minutes. I'm not.

I'm no longer that girl...that hates when her bf goes out a couple of nights a week with his friends. I could honestly care less, as long as he calls me, texts me...ever so often through out the day. one text and one call would honestly be enough for me. idk. a text takes 5 seconds to write.

When he hadn't spoken to me when I had just gotten back from VA, it was because he was out in the gulf for his job. He told me he was there when he was already there. It upset me because I didn't feel important enough to him to be informed of it before hand. Why didnt he tell me before he left?

I hate to always be a negative person and think negative thoughts...So I thought, "Maybe something happened with his dad because he did have to be in the hospital for a couple of days because of his chemo" idk...it still comes back to me that I am not important enough to be informed of anything. Wouldn't you tell your gf that your dad is REALLY sick? Wouldn't you want her there for support?

This whole situation has really upset me the past two days...idk. I feel stupid. Since we have 2 separate sleep schedules, I usually email him at night with what I did...I was feeling REALLY sick like a couple of days ago...puking and headaches galore...No call asking if I was ok. nothing. Can you imagine how fucking crappy I felt? yeah. I mean I know that we're not together...we're not, but idk sometimes I feel like we are somehow.

I just feel like emailing him, "I care about you so much, but Maybe this isn't the right time in your life for me to be in it. You have other things going on and I just don't fit in the equation at the moment. So, get back to me when you do have the time"

He hasn't made me feel good in a while. I honestly want to throw in the towel, and wipe my hands clean of him. or maybe I could keep him...but lower his importance level. Maybe I should invest time in Joseph.

New Moon

Trip to VA

Airplane non-sense and what not.

Life sucks

short end of the stick

So, this week I have been in Virginia. I would have never imagined that a week away from Texas would make a difference in how me and Matthew are. I know that I rather hear the truth than not...I do not like to be in the dark about certain matters. The time one invests in a relationship is time that one cannot get back. He was out basically everyday this week...which kinda sucked. Just because I am not in Texas...doesnt mean I don't exist, you know?

And I noticed that when I text him he doesnt really text back in a timely manner, like he used to...if he even does. I've called him and he doesn't answer. and he didn't call me two days in a row.

Why lie? It felt awful. So, today I texted him :

Ugh you're too busy for me now-a-days

That's what happens when you have a job and a life ;p

oh...

:D

Since I'm rarely part of your life, I get the short end of the stick...ha

lol Well you are pretty far.

Let me know what I need to start backing away

Lol you don't have to. Just letting you know why I can't be there 24/7

Did he think the "lol"s or the stupid happy faces were going to damper the situation? Not really. Am I some random person to him that really doesn't matter? I wish I knew exactly what he thinks of me...and on a scale from 1-10 how important I am. I know that I have invested a LOT of my emotions into this "thing" that we have. I don't want it to be a complete waste. It sucks to feel like you like somebody more than they like you.

This relationship has probably been the most honest relationship that I've had in my life. I'm proud of it. I haven't bullshitted or said something that wasn't true. I didnt lie to him about how I felt like how I did with Steven. Ha. but then again Steven felt wayyyy stronger than Matthew ever will. It also sucks that Matthew really isn't touchy-feely. Of course, I do not want a guy that is ALWAYS sharing his emotions, but I do want some kind. And there are days where I feel like he reaaaallllyyyy likes me, but there are days where he just seems indifferent about me.

I was telling Jon about it today, and he kept saying, "You're a great girl and you are probably a great GF. You should be with somebody that appreciates you." I know he was saying it because he still likes me, but I started to think...that maybe he is right. I'm not saying that Matthew is a horrible "non-bf" but I like to feel...LIKED or feel important at least.

On another note...a month ago...I went to Juan's profile and clicked the send message link. It took me to the compose page, and I stared at it for a while. I wanted to write something, but didn't. I just clicked the "save as draft" link and decided that i will eventually get to it. or should I say - grow some balls to send it. lol...well I opened it yesterday and actually wrote a message, but AGAIN I saved it as a draft.

I know I KNOW! I'm so lame. I don't seem to muster up the courage to click send.

Anyway...tomorrow I go back to Texas, and I don't know if I will spend Wednesday and Thursday with Matthew like I had planned to.