What a crappy week

I've failed...3 tests this week. It has to be fuckin joke! How could...?!? How?!?! I'm upset! its just fucking amazing. And...Aaron isnt even around to make me feel better.

I have NO money...my grades are CRAP! My fiance...is like hella mad at me, and not even on base. like something on my neck hurts to I can't turn to the left...I'm ANGRY and I'm upset...I probably won't be able to leave tomorrow...gahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C'est La Vie

I am...completly perplexed...lol am i using the right word? Ok I have failed to sound the least bit intelligent. Whatever.

Aaron...I dunno...things just do not fit in my head at this time. I ALWAYS plan ahead...I always want to know about the future, plan it out...brace myself for what is to come. With Aaron, I just do not know. He says he doesnt want to get married until 2009, when i have already graduated college and he is out of the army. but he says he wants to start the family as soon as possible. Now...I CANT have kids before I get married. I wanna have 'em at the right time; it would mean A LOT to me.

I want a ring...i don't care how small it is...I just want one. It would make it...official.

I'm UNSURE where this is going...if its stable enough. i'm living in the moment, and i DO NOT like it one bit. I mean, I don't wanna have like...her we're going to live in this suburb and have this type of dog, i will work here and we will have 3 kids named blah blah...I just wanna know what's in store for us.

I miss him...a LOT. This whole Army thing has been extremely hard on me. The distance is a killer. Spring semester we were pretty frustrated, really frustrated as a matter of fact. A fuckin' phone relationship is GAY! I can't see his smile...I can't feel his warmth...ahhhh!
I want him here...he's sick, and I wanna be able to be there to take care of him...aww he sounds so cute when he's sick hehe.

He's coming home in December. He says he wants to meet my friends. I haven't gotten to show him off to anybody. so I guess that would be a good thing.

Can

Can't Say...

Aaron called me on Saturday. it fel so good to FINALLY hear his voice after all this time. I can't possibly say that I don't love him because c'mon Aaron...he's the guy i was going to marry...the guy that gave my all to...my mind, my body, my spirit, my love. I love my honey.

He's so cute...see<<<<

He told me that he missed me. He thought that he wasnt ever going to talk to me again...yeah. i suppose I gave him that impression. lol...when he said he missed me...I didn't say anything back. He was like, "yeah I said it!" another...silence "Cricket, cricket"

The call was cut short...I don't know what happened but yeah...I love AARON! I can't deny it...

Loud Piter Pater

My heart was racing, I could feel it go into mythats. I put my hand on my chest and I could feel like beating fast. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Aaron replied.

He wrote

hey sup im doing ok i guess they are sending me to italy in oct to air assault
school for like 3 weeks so ima have fun with that otha than that i really miss
everyone back home im getting a house phone here maybe i can get it to ya but
yeah oh and we might deploy sometime within the next year to somwhere but oh
well ttyl

I know it isnt much, but its something.

Taure decided to acknowledge my existance...I saw him last night at the gym. I froze and made a mad dash for the MF door hahaha.

Yeah, I Should

I was talking to Ana about what had happened with Aaron today. And She said, get over it. I know in my heart of hearts that i SHOULD just make and ugly face and move along (haha inside joke). Its hard...I can't really do this on my own. Gosh, i dont KNOW who can really help me through this. It is completly awful to keep on living the way I am. I need to allow myself to find some type of way to look past it all.

Like today...today was an awesome day. Shani and I went shopping at San Marcos and then went to Olive Garden. It was a really good day! Seriously! But when I come back to my room, when I am alone here at nights, Aaron is ALL I think about. This ISNT good, and I know it. I KNOW that I am doing so much damage to myself, to my soul.

Love is gay...how could I still be? I should be like, NO! You DONT WIN! YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN! I REFUSE! But I'm tied down...I can't lift myself up. I wish I could control it all, my feelings, my judgements, my perception of what was and what isn't. I need it to be put in big bold black letters, to be put on billboard, highlighted, displayed with lights, SOMETHING HUGE so that i can snap into fucking...realizing shit that I should ALREADY FUCKING KNOW!

Then i can say, Fuck You Aaron! You stopped loving me after...April of this year, SO CAN I!

Fuck You, Esteban! Will You ever fuckin realize how great a girl I am, and stop dating cheating losers!

Fuck You, German! You're not even half the man you think you are! Grow up!

Fuck You, Taure! How dare you forget about the good times?! How dare you forget that we were friends?!?

I sent it for a reason!

I sent Aaron a message on MySpace...telling him Happy Birthday. There's nothing wrong with saying happy Birthday right? I sent him the message on the 28th, and the next time he signed was the 31st. I went to my "Sent" folder and it says that it HASNT been read.

Did he delete it and not even read it?

Did he just over look it?

AH! What an ass hole! I'm PISSED!

Dealing with it...by myself

At this point...i feel really stressed. I know I shouldn't. Its not as if my life is chaotic...or anything like that. Ugh...I just want Esteban to call me...I want to know what the hell I said...I want to know!

I want Aaron to call me...I want to know how he is doing, what hes doing if he;s ok, if he's having fun, if its beautiful over there...if hes lonely...I want to know so bad. I care about Aaron...

I just cant deal with this right now...I cant deal with it..I'm not crying over it. Crying...is something that I don't care to do anymore. I just don't have anybody to talk to about it. If I talk to somebody about it...they won't see it the way I see it. They wouldnt understand because they are not in my shoes. I mean it is quite complicated...how could I still be in love with Esteban? How could I still want Aaron in my life? its fuckin retarded!

I can't deal with this by myself...its so HARD for me to even write about it, but thats the only way I can express myself. I can't say anything to anybody and its KILLING me! I wanna scream! I wanna be able to cry...but it seems like an impossible task. I can't cry it just wont come out. I want some kind of relief...before I implode.

Esteban's Dissapointing Voice

Ahora Que?

So...I got REALLY wasted haha saturday...I havent fucked up this much in ages...

Yoyo and Mario were like lets go to red star, this club...I NEVER fuckin drive...and last night I drove; so we get to downtown and we park...we are so fuckin disoriented and drunk that we walk and walk and walk and NOTHING. then we're like fuck this shit...and we walk back...but cant find the car and the fucked up thing about it is that I dont have my car I was driving my mom's car. then...we find this other corolla and its not that one but we're so drunk and we're trying the keys. we talk to this valet guy and one of us asks him if he knows were we came from and he clearly says that we came from this direction. so...I'm like fuck...for him to notice us we musta been REALLY loud. we find the car...and we drive around and we see red star big ole fucking red letters.

We pass it up. I manage to parrallel park...I dunno how I did that but whatever. Mario was like go without me blah blah and then I cant fuckin find my ID I probably dropped it somewhere...then we're like fuck it lets leave...this homeless man was bugging us. Mario all of the sudden says, "I threw up" he threw up in my fucking mom's car I wouldnt have cared so much if it were MY car and he's like...I was banging on the door...when he hadnt even moved. He imagined it.

I drop him off ...he half assed cleaned the back seat and me and YoYo go to eat. I dont remember dropping her off or getting home. I just remember walking into my house and making a shit load of noise, and i think I threw up in the living room but Im NOT sure and then next thing you know it was the next day.but i had changed clothes and found my OLD ID. my mom gets the key and goes off with my DAD and brother to church and this boy scouts thing. I kept on waking up every hour to throw up. they come back and theyre giving me those evil eyes, but dont say a word

Last night my mom was like..."you left the back doors open, it smells horrible and they stole a hubcap off the tire.YOU TOLD ME YOU WERENT GOING TO TAKE IT TO THE ACTUAL CLUB!!!"And I WASNT but YoYo was like, "Cinders is going to drive" when I TOLD HER (while sober) that I DIDNT wanna fuckin drive!

So...I lost my ID, I threw up, my mom's hubcap was stolen, my friend threw up in my mom's car, all three of us peed in an abandoned building, we walked for two fuckin hours, my feet were black as fuck...missed out on these two hot guy's invitation to go to this other bar cause we were fuckin looking for the car, these waiter guys told us they could get us in if we sucked their dicks...

What had happened was...all these waiters...(I assume cause they were dressed in black with aprons) came outthe back door of somewhere...and then they were all peeing in assemble haha by the trashcan and my friend was like can you let us in? And then one of them says, "yeah if you suck all our dicks" and I was like..."FUCK NO I AINT GONNA GIVE NOBODY HEAD!" lol and we walked off...my friend was like, "you said that all throughout the night...and then YoYo would reply, 'fuck no we aint'" Some of them were cute though...but fuck no! lol

Ahhhh now my parents are PISSED off and the whole back seat is yellow-ish...I'm ashamed...I screw up a lot...I know that but shit...what if I would have gotten stopped...or something like that my liscense would have gotten suspended! So...now I say NO to alcohol...until special occassions..haha!
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That stupid gay fag German called me last night...but like the lil pussy that he is he didnt let it ring long...ugh he was probably the one that called me unknown the other day. What a damn disgrace! He's stupid and I hate him...i don't want to see him AT ALL EVER!
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Esteban called me today...from work...he DID NOT sound very happy. He sounded kinda annoyed as a matter of fact. I had called him Saturday...while drunk and I have NO FUCKIN idea what i said...I dont fuckin remember! I don't remember dialing! And I'm REALLY upset about it. There was soooo much of that night that ALL three of us dont remember.

So yeah I explain to him what happened and I was like, "All of us hadn't gotten drunk in about a month" and he said, "Oh You broke a record" Implying that I'm a fuckin drunk...which I'm NOT! I just happen to ALWAYS call him when I'm drunk...why do I do that!?!? I hate it...I'm scared that I blurted out that i love him...and well...thats like a BIG STRONG 4 letter word...you know? I dont want to scare him away...i dont wanna loose his friendship. He said he was going to call back but its 1 am. I dunno...I'm mad at myself in so many ways.

Aaron's Gone...to Germany

To Top It Off

This whole week has been pretty terrible. German got mad last sunday because I hadn't let him know about me and Taure. SO he went off on me and even called me a bitch! How dare he! i didn't disrespect him that way. Then after that he went off and told Taure a lot of shit about me. And that DAY, he defended me agaisnt him...sort of I suppose. I dont know. Maybe he just wanted to get under German's skin, for the fun of it.

Now...Taure's all weird with me. Rude even! I hate the fact that he won't admit to it, and says that I'm the one acting weird. AHHH!!!!! I just want things to go back to normal...ugh! I knew I shouldn't have admitted to liking him. Now everything just got complicated in a way.

Friday, I took my piercing out because the bottom part had come off and it was bothering me. I talked to my mom for like 30 minutes...I go back to my room to put another one in, and the bitch wont go in. I tried to push it in and I was successful, but it didnt go all the way through. So I bled and hurt for nothing.

The N key on the Laptop popped off. A 5 month laptop...ugh...pure crap!

Esteban called me last night...we talked for like a 1/2 hour. I was surprised that he called...I felt so good. He hadn't called me in a month..and mid in the conversation i found out why. He has a new girlfriend named Michelle. He says that she might go to Miami or San Antonio for school...In my head I was like GO TO MIAMI GO TO MIAMI! lol Cause he said he would leave her...if she left. "cut you loose" were his words.

I still hope that he WILL marry me...ah...the things I wish for.

I'm Worried...

Pastor Joel...was talking about not taking things for granted. All this time we've taken my dad's job for granted. He's about to loose it...how are we going to do things? I'm scared...my mom asked me not to tell my grandma but it seems like I'm telling everybody else. But I havent told Taure...hummm...wonder why? I guess we didnt get a chance to.

lol...look at what he IMed me before he left, "[04:04] sumthingepic: I love you, even though you reject me and dont feel the same goodnight because im signing off getting the last word...love you again, hopefully one day we can get on that next level...night..."

I dunno what to make of it.

German is still on me...trying to meet up with me somwhere...I think he's just trying to get there. I told him i might not have sex anymore until I'm married and he was like, "NOO!!! Not until we have at it!" that fucker...i KNOW he only wants to use me I'm not a retard...bragging to our friends that i'm a closet freak. ugh. I got so mad. Talking about my talents and what not.

I was sooooo embarrased

Suspicious By nature

Of course...I have no idea what the hell he REALLY has up his damn sleeve.

I'm talking about German...he called on Sunday to apologize...and I appreciated that very much, but now he keeps on calling...telling me that he ended things with some girl and blah blah. Does he really think that I'm going to fall for his bull shit again? I mean dang...I liked him...thats why I fell for his shit, but now I see things in another lite...the lite of TRUTH! hahahaha

Yeah that sounded corny but I dont give a damn. I'm on to him...but i'll let him believe that I am alright...he keeps on saying that i am not over him...well he mentioned it once and I automatically got on the defensive. cause dammit I AM over him...if he likes it or not.

It is really annoying that he's like trying to attack Taure...to make him look bad in front of me. I am not even interested in taure that way...you get me? Me and Taure are just great friends. I love Taure! He's awesome! He was like Taure said that he was sure he could get you and blah blah. bull shit!!!! finish this later

We have Changed

Esteban,
I can't believe I told you that I still liked you...lol I would have felt bad if i would have told you that i was REALLY in love with you. You probably would have freaked out on me. I was drunk...well that was back in january. You said that you werent the same guy. And you're right. I'm not the same girl either. You still see me as the same girl...but with a slight more alcohol in my system.

Oh...how much did I dream of this moment. When me and you both were single...ahhh but ur loving that single life obviously. I dont blame you for it. the girls after me weren't so great to you. I miss you so much and I wished that me and you were together again. I want to be able to feel you close to me. I dont know what the fuck I'm saying anymore.

It strikes me as odd that i cant just pick up my cell phone and dial you. After my trip...I couldnt, I would put off calling you to wish you a belated birthday. its like there isnt that level of comfort anymore. i feel awkward or rejected somehow. You call me...a minute later you let me go. Then why even call me? i dont understand. I was sooo glad when you called me last night...but once again the convo was a minute...literally. What the fuck! What is it that you want? Why do you call me? Ahhh!!!

I'm upset...you're making me feel like an idiot...

Ahhh!!! lol

I was crazy to think that I was actually over my first love. lol...Esteban is the guy that I will always and forever love...theres NO doubt about it. Its been 2 and a half years...and I still feelo the same way. I still get butterflies in my stomach everytime I hear his voice. I still have the never-ending smile on my face when I think of him...I still daydream about him. Gosh! I'm soooo into him. He's still the guy that i wish I could marry...or would like whoever I marry to be just like him. So understanding, so cute, so handsome, so hardworking, so well set...so everything!!

Ahhh!!!! I can't hold it in anymore!!!! I'm in LOOOOVVVEEE!!! lol

I can't wait until next wednesday!!!

Out all night

For some reason...I had the urge to call German last night. I did...and he was studying for his Pshyc test. I let him go after a minute, and then he called me back like 5 minutes later. And we decided to go to the library. He said we shouldn't mess around and blah blah. And I was cool with it. I don't HAVE to kiss him...or be touched by him for that matter. I was ok with the fact that we were going to hang out as friends. And besides...all I really care about is that he's not with her. She's been staying in with the guy downstairs all week, but not today...well. I dunno. She left an hour ago...

Well we were studying until like 330...but then...we commenced into...yeah. I didnt want to...I said no for a while...but dammit! I couldn't resist. Then at around 5 we left, and we had tickets...great! we headed over to TC, and he was talking to me about how his dad's clinic got shot up by some black guy. He was so mad...and I tried to console him...I hugged him...but he pulled away after a second. I didnt like that AT ALL. and I was kinda hurt you know? He tried to console me...lol he rubbed my back, but he didnt get what was going on.

I felt SOOOOO tired...but I couldnt go to sleep. I had been up almost 24 fuckin hours. 2 hours shy of it. I felt bad...Aaron called me when I was heading out, But I didnt answer. I called him back today, but he was pissed off. LOL I sent him a message saying that I hated him...blah I don't give a fuck. I should just stay away from him.

I woke up at 12...blah I didnt wanna go to class...but i dragged myself out of bed. After class I went to get my refill at this new place. The pedi was EXPENSIVE! 30 dollars! blah but it looks cute. there was some drama going on up in there..I was like ouuuu lol

well...whatever...I have to pull an all nighter now. I hate tests

Acting like Jay?

My foot fell asleep ahhh! lol ... nah I'm a lil upset and maybe thats why I am procrastinating. No wait...I am a natural procrastinator. Me, Andee and Shani went to see this French Movie this afternoon and it was awesome. It was a really cute movie...cartoon sillouets. Cheered me up a bit. I've been a bit down since i havent seen or spoken to German. Besides things with Aaron arent any better.

After I got back on campus...I went back outside to get the rest of the stuff that I had left in my car. I got my crap and I was walking back when I noticed a truck pulling out of a parking spot right next to the Cafe and I was like, "Hey that looks like German's truck" at that time I just thought I was being ridiculous, but then it pulls out and theres the scoop on the hood. So it was him. Do you know how much I burned with jealousy and anger all at the same time? Why couldnt it be me he was out with? Why cant he scoop me up to go somewhere random? WHY!!?!? lol I'm going crazy!!!

I dont wanna be like Jay and bother the fuck outta him. I dont wanna smother him. I dont want him to think I'm still madly in love with him. I want to be nonchalant but i cant! Ten thousand times I wish I had never met him at all. And by disgrace we will still live close to eachother next semester...why oh why? Today I was searching like crazy on Xanga to see if I could find his blog...but no luck. I just wanna know how he feels about me without actually asking.

Ahhh...I'm stressing a LOT!

You Can't fix Stupid

Nobody wants me to go to Washington...and maybe I dunno, maybe I shouldnt go. I wanna see him dearly...lol Actually I wanna get laid lol nahhh I'm joking. I dunno...I felt REALLY bad last night. He called me when I was heading out to see German (the ex college sweetheart), so I didnt answer. I didnt come back to the dorm until almost 3am and He was already asleep.

So...yeah German texted me on Sunday morning and he said that he loved me and that he missed me. I dunno why he tells me shit like that. I was being a bitch to him again and he got really upset. I was like ohhh no! lol Me ti la pata! But I got to see him...we talked for a long time. It was really nice...Maybe I'm like getting over him breaking up with me. Or maybe not...no se.

Crazy Stuff...

So this past week has been kinda weird on me. The supposed college sweetheart broke up with me on Sunday...but a few hours later I got back with Aaron. I'm still hurt about the college sweetheart to be honest with you. I mean I thought that things would work out wonderfully...but he was just a college player...like most guys are, he was just interested in sex. Maybe things wouldnt be so bad with me emotionally if we hadnt done anything. Don't get me wrong...I didnt fuck him, but still. What bothers me more is that he's been hanging out a lot with my room mate...and he tells me purposely as if to make me jealous...and its working. I hate it! It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough. Maybe...if I EVER get thin, he'll know what he missed out on. lol I dont know...I'm just trying to make myself feel better.

That day...I was determined to go see Aaron at any cost. I miss Aaron...I miss him more than anything...Aaron is my safe haven...my rock...my strength. Seeing Aaron is going to cost me big bucks...300 for plane ticket...and extra stuff. hotel, transportation, food. well Maybe not food (talk about that later). I told mom...yeah I know that was kinda stupid on my count. But I wanted to get a discount at the marriot dammit!!! lol...and I would feel guilty...a bit. And then they would ask where i spent all my money on and what not. I'm just really stressed out and I wanna see my babe...the love of my life.

So about food...for some reason...well i probably know why, but anyway. I havent been eating right this week. For example, today's dinner and only meal consisted of a 100 calorie pack and my pills, with water of course. I'm not hungry...I dont want food. Yesterday I ate more...i had some strawberries and the calorie pack. And I've been going to the gym...90 minutes, burning about 800 calories. and adding abs class to it. Maybe...its cause of the whole break up thing. That i'm not thin enough for society's "pretty." I dunno...I'm just not hungry. Maybe when I go back home I'll be back to normal. Since everybody just seems to eat over there.

College Sweetheart?

So...after a good weekend at ATX...I had to end it with a loud bang...the ones that shoot you against your heart. I thought things were going wonderfully with Aaron...better than great you know? But he broke up with me on Sunday morning (like 3 or 4). I felt like I couldnt say anything cause I was with Leo, Mayra n Shani...it would have been weird. I dunno. I only enjoy crying by myself. Not that I enjoy crying but you get what I'm saying.

Sunday I continued talking to this guy I met. He lives a couple of buildings down...and I guess I just jumped right into this one too. We're together. Hey! at least I'm not cheating on anyone! He's awesome I like him a lot...We have this huge chemistry...we just click I guess...Ms. Johnson might be right...you meet your mate in college lol I'm being exaggerated. I'll write about him later...

I'm kinda worried about driving back home this weekend...well today I should say. I put my shit in the car this morning...and I drove around to the guy's dorm...it made a NASTY sound. The engine light turned on and the D keeps on blinkin...I'm gonna die out there! lol. After about 10 minutes of it being on the engine light turned off...it sounded a lil better, but the engine lite kept on blinking. Stupid shit lol. I just need a new car I'm afraid.

I could have been in music class today, but for some reason i just wanted to stay here and be awake lol. I could have easily taken a nap...but I didnt. I feel sorta indifferent this morning. I have so much planned for this weekend...i cant miss a thing for real. Plus I need to study for my music make up test...great!

1 is the loneliest number

Yesterday I broke up with Jay..for good, for good this time. I feel accomplished lol...thats mean huh? But Man...Jay was going psycho on my ass and that was a little scary. Everybody was telling me that he was a little leach that was going to end up sucking the life outta me. Stressing me out when he wasnt worth a cent. I guess I succeeded since...he didnt call or text me today. I hope to keep it that way.

I havent had a good conversation with Aaron in days...and its really bugging me. I hate it...cause I cant have a good nite's sleep that way. Its so weird...ever since we've cut down on our talking time...I cant sleep well...I got to bed and then dont fall asleep until like 2-3 hours later. I hate it!!!
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Tomorrow's plans go as follows:
7 turn over in bed
710 get out of bed
745 go to class
8 Music class begins
930 POL class begins
11 Lit Class starts
1215...head back to dorm
1230 Drive to Aunt's house
1 have lunch...
430 head back over to my dorm
5 have vday dinner at Wendy's lol (its a joke!)
7 study it up with Andee for our History test...yay...

Not much excitement. I'm SOOOO not prepared for this test. I'm detesting the reading and I keep on putting off. The lecture I know it like 85%. lol great number huh?

The Exorsist

SO Saturday night Mayra, Shani and I went to a party down the street and I got fuckin wasted. I mean it was like new years wasted. After a while we came back to the dorm and then my room mate's friends were here. So Long story short I made an ass of myself. And some guy called me a bitch. I threw up like the exorsist. I called Aaron to tell him that I loved him. I called Mario to tell him that I loved Aaron. ha ha.

I called Aaron the next day when i heard the story. He didnt call me back until 8 at night and he was being sooooo nice to me. And I was soooo happy. He was just being so fuckin sweet. and I told him all about the story you know? Well He has the right to know. The conversation was soooo nice. We even planned out how our future is going to go. We're getting married in June...but i'm not moving to Germany cause I gotta finish school, but I'm going to visit every so often.

Today...he was the same as the night before. He even called me when he was at lunch. He was being really sweet and goofy...I love him when he's that way. But then...like he was telling me that I probably cheated on him with Art (yeah right as if a hot guy like him would be interested in me). And how was I so sure that I hadn't fucked him. And that why would any guy give a girl a beer if he didnt want something out of it. And that why did I call him at 3 o clock in the morning to tell him that I loved him. As if I was guilty and trying to make up for it. And that I couldn't give him one thing that could clear my name because I was wasted and because I blacked out.

He kept on telling me how much I fucked up. And I felt like crap. I stayed quiet...and he ended up falling asleep. I started crying a little too late cause he was already asleep (hes been going to sleep on the phone with me lately, but I always find it troublesome to fall asleep). I hung up and now I'm here...

Dancing in my UNDERPANTS!

I'm in a state of complete and utter...hapiness...lol. everytime I think about Aaron...its like wow...I really love him. I even dance around in my dorm room...to any type of music hahaha. lol fuck...There must really be something wrong with me if I'm THIS happy...when I don't have him with me...Why must he be so far away? That's what I get for being a supportive girlfriend, and letting him join the army. Ehh...in the end it will be good for both of us. I'm still not sure if I'll get to finish school...or if I'll even go next semester. Most likely I will...I think. I dunno.

So...I'm hella SORE...damn that abs class!!! lol I'm scared to go again but i know I have to do it. Aaron is trying to gain weight, but he lost. I'm trying to loose weight, but I'm not loosing or gaining...blah! I've lost more weight...starving myself like that week when Aaron left. Well...I didnt starve myself...lol thats imposible! I just didnt have an appetite. This is making me mad! I'm busting my ass literally and I'm getting no damn results! I wanna quit...but it gives me something to do...so whatever.

My mom eventually did decide to come over here...So thats cool.

Kitosis state

I have a HUGE headache..it started when I was walking to the dorm from the gym and Jay sent me a message bitching at me for what not. It automatically made me ANGRY, so angry that I got a headache. I took 2 tylenol rapid release pills, and it worked for a couple of hours but now it is back. Yesterday and today, I've felt so sore and tired. I'm really dissapointed that I only lost one pound in 3 days...Damn that pretzel I ate on Saturday!

I've been noticing since I've been going to the gym that the bigger people that go to the gym...which I rarely see twice, DON'T sweat...they just don't, and they leave rather quickly. I know that since I'm fat I'm supposed to sweat more, and I do, believe me, but why don't these people. It makes me really angry...lol. I dont know why that bothers me but it DOES!

The whole family is supposed to be coming down this weekend for my cousins' birthdays. My mom doesn't seem to want to come, but she probably will. This means overeating for like two days...I'll probably just eat one damn meal a day, the one everybody will eat which will be the Pizza at MrGatty's and whatever we eat on Friday with my aunt, cause she always seems to over feed us when we visit her. Mayra's coming down on Friday which means we will probably go to Antro's that night. And...ugh...probably iHop as our tradition goes. I can't afford all this extra eatings. I mean...I LOVE greasy food, hence the beautiful round figure I'm in, but I am fine with this diet. I'm not hungry at all. But ONE thing I do wrong and my kitosis state goes kabloowey. Exactly why I only lost one pound in 3 days. I'm SOOOO pissed off.

I was trying to get some studying in last night but Aaron called. He started reading this book to me...and I dunno...lol it seems kinda corny but his voice was really soothing...It got me relaxed and really, really glad. Like some adoration towards him...I dunno how to explain it. But i liked it. lol. But then he got pissy and messed it up like always. So whatever...but aww...lol for that one single moment I was TOTALLY in love with him completly.

So i was channel surfing and I stopped at Discovery health. It attracted me cause it was a overweight woman talking about how bad her periods were. And well...They were talking about my syndrome, PCOS. When she was talking bout when she was diagnosed, and how the doc told her that it may cause infertility...my heart sank, like hers did. I know that...you know people w/PCOS can have kids, but i dunno...I'm so scared. I hadn't thought of this in weeks. But now I feel the same anguish I felt when it first sunk in. PCOS is heriditary...which...makes me think that its not...cause everybody else in the fam has kids. Well except for my aunt Isabel...it is rumored that she might not be able to have kids.

I dunno...but i better take a shower before Aaron calls back.

Shaking my Jelly

Me and Jay HAVEN'T broken up. I dunno how many times I have to suggest to break it off before he actually caves in. I'm just so pissed off and I'm agravated, frustrated...AHHHH!!! it seems to be going the same way with Aaron and his pissy mood. I'm tired of it!!! I just want a normal healthy relationship...thats all I ask!

So...I've started a diet...lol I know I'm laughing too! I've stuck by it for 3 days lol...yes! I didnt cheat...Mainly because I'm never really hungry. Besides I eat 6 times a day! The oatmeal sucks...I hate OATMEAL! Its for old people. And the broccoli soup sucks too! lol. Today I tried the belly ancing class...it was fun. We had a hoot watching ourselves making weird movements and vibrating lol. I've actually gone to gym regularly. I don't take naps during the day...well I took a 2-hr one today cause I only slept 4 hours last night. Weird stuff huh?

I had my first two quizzes of the smemester today...and I have to say that I did pretty good. I thought Lit was going to be the worst class I had but i actually like it. the worst class has to be american politics...The problem is that I actually have to show up. I hate that we're going over things that i already know like the back of my hand. It annoys the fuck out of me that I have to sit there in a crowded class...nodding off. Its HORRIBLE!

Death to my laptop

So...my check came in and...I blew 450 dollars on a PSP and PSP accesories...yes...very smart. I am addicted to the little thing...WHY!?!? lol. It can even go on the internet...wow. But anyway...I'm back with Aaron...yeah I know we're both NOT surprised. Nobody is! I dunno if me and Jay have broken up...but whatever...don't give a damn really. Hes got me fed up. Its much harder with him since I dont really feel much for him. It was good the first couple of days but then it was like ARGH! Shut up! Quit whinning! You're acting like a little kid! Ugh...

Me and Shani saw Underworld and Last Holiday. We went to TGIFridays that was alright...

My internet connection here at the dorm is so annoying!!! Its the laptop cause it works ok with Shani's dammit!!

I'm Lost!!!!

So It seems like Aaron only wants me around when its convenient for him. Ha... he called me a couple of days ago because his dumbass over worked himself and he tore a muscle. He was such an ass to me when I called him last week on Thursday...and now he expects me to lick his wounds? ha! I love him...but my pride...I have it and I'm not letting it go.

I KNEW that I was right about Jay. He's a come and go guy. He's been...ugh...not a boyfriend to me really. Ehhh...I'm not surprised. Hummm...but maybe if I hadn't pushed him away from me...this wouldn't be happening. He wanted to come spend the weekend with me at the dorm, but I said no. But whatever...i'll just ride this out.

Having 3 classes back to back starting at 8 in the morning was NOT a good idea! I was totally lost in my music class and my lit class...ahhh!!! I couldn't even stay awake in POL and lit. I think I will need tutoring for my music class...Most people there took band and know how to read music. Hummm...I dont know all these different terms. The prof said that we didnt nessesarily needed to know how to read music, but we needed to know the difference when we heard it. SOmehow I thought that it was Classical music history...I was mistaken.

My upstairs neighbors have gotten worse...with their crappy music that I hate. All I hear is this thump...at all times of the day. It is SOOO annoying. But what is good is that one of room mates left. I'm not saying that she wasn't a good one...whatever. But i'm just glad that our place is much much quieter now. Its pretty nice. Our new room mate...is older. She graduated in 97 or 98 from hs. yeah...big difference.

So...In total I bought 5 books and 4 CDs...totalling nearly 400 bucks. I'm upset...that could have been a sidekick and a psp...ARGH!

My head hurts...and I don't expect neither Jay or Aaron to call me...fuckin bastards. So I'm going to sleep now.

Same Drama

The day before I confessed my love to Esteban...Aaron told me that he had doubts, that maybe I wasnt the one, that we were rushing into marriage. I got upset and told him that if he needed space I would give it to him, but then he reassured me that he will always have doubts but that a girl like me, he wouldnt find twice. Which is true...I've put up with a lot of his shit. I was willing to go to Germany with him...I was willing to put MY LIFE on hold for his.

We broke up AGAIN on the 8th. Maybe its for the better, maybe its not. I'm handling it quite well actually. Maybe its cause he always does the same shit, but ends up coming back to me in a couple of weeks. He accused me of not knowing him through and through, "like a true girlfriend is supposed to by now" So he said. Its true...I dont know him that way he knows me. But that's because when I talk...I actually share stuff about myself...not like him with his secrets and hidden past.

Esteban promised to call me on his birthday to make up for last year, but yet again he let me down. Maybe its time for me to let go of him too. Its so hard to let go of the one person who made me completly forget about JC. My days with Esteban were wonderful...but I need to let go of everybody and just start all over. Starting over is so difficult...when you had so much and now youre left empty handed. When i invested a year and 4 months into somebody...so much.

I jumped on the ball rather quickly though. His name is Jay R...well his name is Johnny, but he's a Junior...lol get it? He's a sweet heart...but uhhh he'll be a come and go guy...not a here to stay. I dunno...we'll see I guess.

Welcome 2006

I havent updated in a long time...so here it goes.

I was so ready to tell Esteban how I stil feel so that I can just leave it behind and look forward. On the 26th I called him and he sounded happy. He's always so cute...adorable. I wished him a belated Merry Christmas, and told him that I needed to talk to him. He was out somewhere so I told him to call me later on that night. He hasnt called to this date. It hurts to know that he doesnt care.

We went to Virginia for new years...in a car, blah! I shouldnt be complaining because it was my idea to save some cash. My dad was pissed at me cause I kept on speeding. I was just trying to get home. It was a cloudless day, those make me nauseous in cars. But anyway, I got so wasted New years eve/new years day. I went to a party with my cousin. I was left alone with the vodka and down it went. Somehow I didnt feel it strong, but it did get to me. I drank way too much. All I remember is talking to a couple of guys. This football player called John was walking me around. And then next thing I know I was on the floor in the back yard throwing up a LOT. I was like, "Why didnt you take care of me?" to my cousin, and he was so pissed off lol. He was high...yup. And then the next thing I know was that I woke up on Charlie's bed (the guy that threw the party) and I was next to this guy named Miguel...my pants were undone...ahh! lol I had passed out, blacked out...ah...crazy.

Wednesday night I went out with Mario and Chickn...we met up with Ana R. and her sis, Reina there. It was a blast lol. Me, Mario n Chickn drank a whole bottle of Bacardi Rum, and Half a bottle of Grey Goose. lol it was good! so We were tipsy at Sobe like always. I made out with an ugly guy hahahaha. Never again!!! Aaron got mad at me cause I went, ugh he's so unfair sometimes.

Last night we had an '05 reunion at Hard Rock. It was nice, but me and Janeth were like ugh I like so and so...and this person either lol. She's awesome. I got to see Vanessa and its going to be a girl!!! Her name is going to be Alysa...well not sure on the spelling but whatever. I'm going to be an aunt! YAY!

Then after hard rock, we headed over to Mario's and got fucked up with Chickn, Shani, Estephani and her bf, Jose. And then headed over to 1415. It made me kinda angry when I was there. All those fine fine men that werent the least bit interested in women. They were like thug looking guys you know? Hotties...lol some reminded me of Marcos from high school hehehe. And then I saw a couple of chics that I knew...lol. This one girl that I went to prarie view with and this other chic. The other chic, I saw her since I came in and I was like I know her, I know her. But I wasnt going to go up to her and ask y'know? So she came up to me and asked me if I went to btw and I was like YEAH! and she was like, "Nice seeing you, I hope to see you again." lol. She's pretty, but I have my babe. Eventhough he got mad at me again. He was bitching at me on my vmail cause I didnt answer the phone.

After I got dropped off at Ana's house to pick up my car, I called Esteban...it was like 3:20am lol. And he was awake, he was just done talking to one of his many gfs hahaha. And I was like its now or never. So I told him...and I dunno...he doesnt want me lol...He said that he wasnt the same guy he was two years ago...and he kept on telling me things to discourage me. he was like, "I know that you're not like Arlette, or Valerie, you deserve better. I've changed because of those two bitches." and I was like, "Just forget about it. You dont have a responsibility to me. I just wanted to get it off my chest." Which is true...in a way lol. Then I started sobering up...and well I felt like an idiot.

Then we hung up and it was like 430. And well...I felt like crap so I was crying...and I called Aaron lol...and he didnt answer. but I left him a message crying talking about....well I gave him a guilt trip. As if I were crying cause of him when in reality I was crying cause of Esteban. ehhh I guess it all worked out. Lets see if he bitches at me tonight.

Hello 2006...