Kitosis state

I have a HUGE headache..it started when I was walking to the dorm from the gym and Jay sent me a message bitching at me for what not. It automatically made me ANGRY, so angry that I got a headache. I took 2 tylenol rapid release pills, and it worked for a couple of hours but now it is back. Yesterday and today, I've felt so sore and tired. I'm really dissapointed that I only lost one pound in 3 days...Damn that pretzel I ate on Saturday!

I've been noticing since I've been going to the gym that the bigger people that go to the gym...which I rarely see twice, DON'T sweat...they just don't, and they leave rather quickly. I know that since I'm fat I'm supposed to sweat more, and I do, believe me, but why don't these people. It makes me really angry...lol. I dont know why that bothers me but it DOES!

The whole family is supposed to be coming down this weekend for my cousins' birthdays. My mom doesn't seem to want to come, but she probably will. This means overeating for like two days...I'll probably just eat one damn meal a day, the one everybody will eat which will be the Pizza at MrGatty's and whatever we eat on Friday with my aunt, cause she always seems to over feed us when we visit her. Mayra's coming down on Friday which means we will probably go to Antro's that night. And...ugh...probably iHop as our tradition goes. I can't afford all this extra eatings. I mean...I LOVE greasy food, hence the beautiful round figure I'm in, but I am fine with this diet. I'm not hungry at all. But ONE thing I do wrong and my kitosis state goes kabloowey. Exactly why I only lost one pound in 3 days. I'm SOOOO pissed off.

I was trying to get some studying in last night but Aaron called. He started reading this book to me...and I dunno...lol it seems kinda corny but his voice was really soothing...It got me relaxed and really, really glad. Like some adoration towards him...I dunno how to explain it. But i liked it. lol. But then he got pissy and messed it up like always. So whatever...but aww...lol for that one single moment I was TOTALLY in love with him completly.

So i was channel surfing and I stopped at Discovery health. It attracted me cause it was a overweight woman talking about how bad her periods were. And well...They were talking about my syndrome, PCOS. When she was talking bout when she was diagnosed, and how the doc told her that it may cause infertility...my heart sank, like hers did. I know that...you know people w/PCOS can have kids, but i dunno...I'm so scared. I hadn't thought of this in weeks. But now I feel the same anguish I felt when it first sunk in. PCOS is heriditary...which...makes me think that its not...cause everybody else in the fam has kids. Well except for my aunt Isabel...it is rumored that she might not be able to have kids.

I dunno...but i better take a shower before Aaron calls back.

Shaking my Jelly

Me and Jay HAVEN'T broken up. I dunno how many times I have to suggest to break it off before he actually caves in. I'm just so pissed off and I'm agravated, frustrated...AHHHH!!! it seems to be going the same way with Aaron and his pissy mood. I'm tired of it!!! I just want a normal healthy relationship...thats all I ask!

So...I've started a diet...lol I know I'm laughing too! I've stuck by it for 3 days lol...yes! I didnt cheat...Mainly because I'm never really hungry. Besides I eat 6 times a day! The oatmeal sucks...I hate OATMEAL! Its for old people. And the broccoli soup sucks too! lol. Today I tried the belly ancing class...it was fun. We had a hoot watching ourselves making weird movements and vibrating lol. I've actually gone to gym regularly. I don't take naps during the day...well I took a 2-hr one today cause I only slept 4 hours last night. Weird stuff huh?

I had my first two quizzes of the smemester today...and I have to say that I did pretty good. I thought Lit was going to be the worst class I had but i actually like it. the worst class has to be american politics...The problem is that I actually have to show up. I hate that we're going over things that i already know like the back of my hand. It annoys the fuck out of me that I have to sit there in a crowded class...nodding off. Its HORRIBLE!

Death to my laptop

So...my check came in and...I blew 450 dollars on a PSP and PSP accesories...yes...very smart. I am addicted to the little thing...WHY!?!? lol. It can even go on the internet...wow. But anyway...I'm back with Aaron...yeah I know we're both NOT surprised. Nobody is! I dunno if me and Jay have broken up...but whatever...don't give a damn really. Hes got me fed up. Its much harder with him since I dont really feel much for him. It was good the first couple of days but then it was like ARGH! Shut up! Quit whinning! You're acting like a little kid! Ugh...

Me and Shani saw Underworld and Last Holiday. We went to TGIFridays that was alright...

My internet connection here at the dorm is so annoying!!! Its the laptop cause it works ok with Shani's dammit!!

I'm Lost!!!!

So It seems like Aaron only wants me around when its convenient for him. Ha... he called me a couple of days ago because his dumbass over worked himself and he tore a muscle. He was such an ass to me when I called him last week on Thursday...and now he expects me to lick his wounds? ha! I love him...but my pride...I have it and I'm not letting it go.

I KNEW that I was right about Jay. He's a come and go guy. He's been...ugh...not a boyfriend to me really. Ehhh...I'm not surprised. Hummm...but maybe if I hadn't pushed him away from me...this wouldn't be happening. He wanted to come spend the weekend with me at the dorm, but I said no. But whatever...i'll just ride this out.

Having 3 classes back to back starting at 8 in the morning was NOT a good idea! I was totally lost in my music class and my lit class...ahhh!!! I couldn't even stay awake in POL and lit. I think I will need tutoring for my music class...Most people there took band and know how to read music. Hummm...I dont know all these different terms. The prof said that we didnt nessesarily needed to know how to read music, but we needed to know the difference when we heard it. SOmehow I thought that it was Classical music history...I was mistaken.

My upstairs neighbors have gotten worse...with their crappy music that I hate. All I hear is this thump...at all times of the day. It is SOOO annoying. But what is good is that one of room mates left. I'm not saying that she wasn't a good one...whatever. But i'm just glad that our place is much much quieter now. Its pretty nice. Our new room mate...is older. She graduated in 97 or 98 from hs. yeah...big difference.

So...In total I bought 5 books and 4 CDs...totalling nearly 400 bucks. I'm upset...that could have been a sidekick and a psp...ARGH!

My head hurts...and I don't expect neither Jay or Aaron to call me...fuckin bastards. So I'm going to sleep now.

Same Drama

The day before I confessed my love to Esteban...Aaron told me that he had doubts, that maybe I wasnt the one, that we were rushing into marriage. I got upset and told him that if he needed space I would give it to him, but then he reassured me that he will always have doubts but that a girl like me, he wouldnt find twice. Which is true...I've put up with a lot of his shit. I was willing to go to Germany with him...I was willing to put MY LIFE on hold for his.

We broke up AGAIN on the 8th. Maybe its for the better, maybe its not. I'm handling it quite well actually. Maybe its cause he always does the same shit, but ends up coming back to me in a couple of weeks. He accused me of not knowing him through and through, "like a true girlfriend is supposed to by now" So he said. Its true...I dont know him that way he knows me. But that's because when I talk...I actually share stuff about myself...not like him with his secrets and hidden past.

Esteban promised to call me on his birthday to make up for last year, but yet again he let me down. Maybe its time for me to let go of him too. Its so hard to let go of the one person who made me completly forget about JC. My days with Esteban were wonderful...but I need to let go of everybody and just start all over. Starting over is so difficult...when you had so much and now youre left empty handed. When i invested a year and 4 months into somebody...so much.

I jumped on the ball rather quickly though. His name is Jay R...well his name is Johnny, but he's a Junior...lol get it? He's a sweet heart...but uhhh he'll be a come and go guy...not a here to stay. I dunno...we'll see I guess.

Welcome 2006

I havent updated in a long time...so here it goes.

I was so ready to tell Esteban how I stil feel so that I can just leave it behind and look forward. On the 26th I called him and he sounded happy. He's always so cute...adorable. I wished him a belated Merry Christmas, and told him that I needed to talk to him. He was out somewhere so I told him to call me later on that night. He hasnt called to this date. It hurts to know that he doesnt care.

We went to Virginia for new years...in a car, blah! I shouldnt be complaining because it was my idea to save some cash. My dad was pissed at me cause I kept on speeding. I was just trying to get home. It was a cloudless day, those make me nauseous in cars. But anyway, I got so wasted New years eve/new years day. I went to a party with my cousin. I was left alone with the vodka and down it went. Somehow I didnt feel it strong, but it did get to me. I drank way too much. All I remember is talking to a couple of guys. This football player called John was walking me around. And then next thing I know I was on the floor in the back yard throwing up a LOT. I was like, "Why didnt you take care of me?" to my cousin, and he was so pissed off lol. He was high...yup. And then the next thing I know was that I woke up on Charlie's bed (the guy that threw the party) and I was next to this guy named Miguel...my pants were undone...ahh! lol I had passed out, blacked out...ah...crazy.

Wednesday night I went out with Mario and Chickn...we met up with Ana R. and her sis, Reina there. It was a blast lol. Me, Mario n Chickn drank a whole bottle of Bacardi Rum, and Half a bottle of Grey Goose. lol it was good! so We were tipsy at Sobe like always. I made out with an ugly guy hahahaha. Never again!!! Aaron got mad at me cause I went, ugh he's so unfair sometimes.

Last night we had an '05 reunion at Hard Rock. It was nice, but me and Janeth were like ugh I like so and so...and this person either lol. She's awesome. I got to see Vanessa and its going to be a girl!!! Her name is going to be Alysa...well not sure on the spelling but whatever. I'm going to be an aunt! YAY!

Then after hard rock, we headed over to Mario's and got fucked up with Chickn, Shani, Estephani and her bf, Jose. And then headed over to 1415. It made me kinda angry when I was there. All those fine fine men that werent the least bit interested in women. They were like thug looking guys you know? Hotties...lol some reminded me of Marcos from high school hehehe. And then I saw a couple of chics that I knew...lol. This one girl that I went to prarie view with and this other chic. The other chic, I saw her since I came in and I was like I know her, I know her. But I wasnt going to go up to her and ask y'know? So she came up to me and asked me if I went to btw and I was like YEAH! and she was like, "Nice seeing you, I hope to see you again." lol. She's pretty, but I have my babe. Eventhough he got mad at me again. He was bitching at me on my vmail cause I didnt answer the phone.

After I got dropped off at Ana's house to pick up my car, I called Esteban...it was like 3:20am lol. And he was awake, he was just done talking to one of his many gfs hahaha. And I was like its now or never. So I told him...and I dunno...he doesnt want me lol...He said that he wasnt the same guy he was two years ago...and he kept on telling me things to discourage me. he was like, "I know that you're not like Arlette, or Valerie, you deserve better. I've changed because of those two bitches." and I was like, "Just forget about it. You dont have a responsibility to me. I just wanted to get it off my chest." Which is true...in a way lol. Then I started sobering up...and well I felt like an idiot.

Then we hung up and it was like 430. And well...I felt like crap so I was crying...and I called Aaron lol...and he didnt answer. but I left him a message crying talking about....well I gave him a guilt trip. As if I were crying cause of him when in reality I was crying cause of Esteban. ehhh I guess it all worked out. Lets see if he bitches at me tonight.

Hello 2006...