Drunken call

Esteban,
You called me on thanksgiving at 230am...and youre going to tell me that youre sober. fuck that. I didn't even pick up and I already know that you were drunk. Is it that youre upset with your love life that you try to drown your worries with liquor I know, you know, we all know that that isnt going to work. if you want to build up some fucking courage to let me know you still have feelings for me then just come out and say it...promise I wont hurt you...I still care for you...tons!

My Main Source of Pain

Aaron,
you came back to me, but you abandoned me just like the first time. You were supposed to meet my family on Thanksgiving...Sometimes I feel like this as just some way to get back to me from when I said that I wouldnt marry you. You're a fucking asshole! You leave me again when its the worst possible time. I missed you, I waited 4 months, I suffered, for what? FOR NOTHING! I cry and cry knowing you left again and didnt say goodbye. I wish you could see how much I'm suffering. Why the fuck do you tell me that you still love me when you hurt me so much?

Jewish?

Last night I passed out like at 730. I was so tired that I wasnt even up to watch Nip/Tuck that i had missed on Tuesday. Mom called and I dont even remember what she had said lol. Then Aaron called at 1 am. He had just came from the bar. I was like what the hell? what the fuck were you doing there, you don't drink or smoke? He said he was playing pool. i dunno his attitude...is just weirding me out. And so I spoke out...yeah I guess I've changed a bit. I mean shit...i waited 4 fuckin months for him to come back...I'll be damned if I waited that whole time and let it all fall apart just like that! He was acting all nonchalant. I do matter, or I'm SUPPOSED to still matter to ur stupid ass! He hasn't said that he loves me since Wednesday...when he used to say it a million times a day!

ARGH! I'm so NOT taking him to my family's house on Thanksgiving if shit is going to go backto normal. He said he didn't want to speak of it, that he had to go to work the next day at 10... I wake up earlier than him! Gosh ya'll just don't fuckin understand how pissed off I was, and still am. I wanted to tell him off. I wanted to be back home, right in front of him just so that i could slap him! He made me that upset...

It was like an, "How dare you not give a damn about me!" *slap across face* situation. I made him finish school I made him go into the army...if he would have never met me he wouldn't have achieved so much. Damn it! I'm not some rag that you throw away, or at least I shouldnt be that to him! Fuckin prick!

On another note...

He said that he converted to Judaism, or however its spelled. It's like what the hell? Most Jewish people want to marry other Jewish people. news flash! I'm NOT Jewish.

He asked when i was coming home...what day. I said NEVER. I don't want to fucking see him anymore! Well i do, but right now I'm MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! He better fix this...

SHUT the F up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaron called Friday night...but i got all mad and he hung up on me. Oh! can you believe it? Our relationship is back on track hahahahaha Esteban called me last night. he was at work. I don't know what the hell he was thinking calling me when he was at work. It was like hey are you awake? He had just woken me up lol and then i was like its fine blah blah where you at? at work. lemme call you back. Wow longest most fucking conversation EVER! I honestly DONT understand why he calls me for meaningless hellos and byes with NOTHING in between. He pisses me off.

My aunt had surgery Friday. They cut her up from like 4 inches down her tummy from her boobs to her punany. lol it looks awful. But anyway I decided to go to her house and see the fam you know? So i spend less than 24 hrs there and I was FED up with my cousin Cristina. Gosh she is an OLD WOMAN trapped in a 9 year old's body. She was like, "you have your tongue pierced DON'T YOU?!?" UGH that was the last straw...like everything she had said the whole day was ok...whatever, but that just drove me CRAZY!!! I wanted to ring her by the neck! lol.

I told grandma about Aaron, but yeah we're not getting married next week that's crazy. I'll marry him in a year and a half and then move to Hawaii.

What a Drag

I went to sleep like at 2am, all mad cause Aaron didnt call. I knew that if he didnt call by 12 he wasnt goingto call. I couldnt really go to sleep cause I was mad and i didnt wanna have a heart attack in my sleep hahahaha. Nice way to go huh? I woke up like at 530 and I was half way asleep the whole time until 7 when the alarm went off. i turned it off and cursed the writing teacher to hell and went back to sleep. at 720 I woke up again, and cursed her again hahaha. I got up to pee and decided to might as well go to class. And i was actually contemplating on working my ass off this coming week to possibly catch up. But yeah right. I'll probably fail anyway. So yes i will drop it.

I walked outta the dorm and as soon as I got to the front the shuttle got there and nobody was waiting for it so i hoped on. I made my way up the stairs of the main building to class. I sat there for a while. The teacher arrived late 810 and we took our 60 question grammar test. me and Joanna were the first to finish. Everybody looked at us as if we were crazy, but whatever. We concluded that all the suck ups that sit in the front row hate us. lol. but whatever we show the same feelings towards them. Gosh they're so uptight...like shit! have a drink with me why dont you? lol.

We left and headed to the Cafe. We had breakfast and came back to my dorm. Shani came and we did laundry. We came back to the dorm and I got a call from the doc's office. my lab results were not in yet. Shani fell asleep and me and Joanna left to the Cafe again. lol we were embarrased cause it was the same guy from the morning that had swiped the card lol. We were like, we wouldnt be so embarrased if he wasnt cute lol. We had some Asian food. it was good but I wasnt really hungry I just wanted to waste some meals. hahaha.

Joanna left and I came back home. I was supposed to go to sleep but i got distracted by music on itunes. Then I called SBC to put back the net at home so that i could be on it next week. I have to register for classes ASAP. if not i'll have crappy ones hahaha. But they were acting like rude bitches and I paid 80 bucks of my parents bill for NOTHING! ARGH! So, we're leaving SBC now...for Time Warner...cable, digital phone and road runner.

Where's Aaron?

I doubt myself

I don't know how exactly to take all this in. And maybe I'm just complicating things because i can and I'm not living in the moment. Aaron being back...changes things. I'm no longer moping around and I'm actually showing up to class.

It's 530 in the morning...I haven't been sleeping much these past three days. I managed to clean my room tonight. and I'm 20 pages away from finishing the novel for history class that's 430 pages long. I was waiting for Aaron to call, but after 12 I gave up. Figured he was tired and fell asleep. It dawned on me that it was going to be worse in the months and year to come.

I love Aaron
Of course I love him...
I LOVE HIM
I LOVE HIM...
I LOVE HIM!

He knows me more than I know myself...
He's good to me
he's sweet to me
he's so smart, caring, amazing (in bed hahaha)
he's one of kind

If I let him go, I might never find that again

Hummm...well I solved my own problem didnt i?

No...love cant just support something by itself. [i want some breakfast hahaha I haven't eaten or slept in a LONG time]

Tom said, "its rare that true love actually happens you know. You shouldnt let go of it when its in your grasp. You should hold onto it and never let go." I'm just scared that it's going to end up like Jason's marriage. he had a tour in Iraq and when he returned he divorced his wife. His wife said she had waited too long, and the spark wasn't there anymore. I love Aaron, but am I going to still love him after he's been gone for a year and a half? I'm scared.

Mi casa, Tu casa

Aaron called again last night. He said he bought a house by my mom's house, then I said, "Why's you buy a house? youre not even going to be around to enjoy it" then he said "Don't you remember when i told you I was going to buy you a house?" i do remember that clearly. i was in orientation, but he said he was going to buy a house here in SA, not back home. Besides, I never took that comment seriously.

We talked more about the no-baby possibility and he said that he was ok with it, and that we would "fuck like rabbits till we get pregnant" hahaha...yeah sure. He said that even if I didnt get pregnant, he would be ok with it because he loves me enough...blah i think its bull shit. I know how much he wants kids...

Gosh...I love Aaron so much...

I don't know if I can be prepared to be an army girlfriend.

He's Finally back...

Like an hour ago, I received a call from Aaron...yes Aaron.

We didn't say much to eachother. it wasn't a long conversation. I told him about my doctor's visit that was almost 3 weeks ago. He said, "We'll find the best doctors. I promise"

He arrived Saturday. He said that he was going to be home for two weeks. I'll be home next week. Then after that...he's going to Fort something for 6 months and then Iraq for a year and then Hawaii...I don't see Cindy any where near there.

Maybe I shouldn't be so glad that i heard from him...

I'm a little confused.

I'm grumpy

Ugh I'm in such a crappy mood and its probably because of the fuckin' pills and the lack of sleep. I am so fucking tired of school already. i wantto just quit and take my lazy ass to get a rich man. hahhaha, or any man with a decent job for that matter. I managed to pull an all-nighter twice without actually studying...yht of ippeee!!!! Any kind of light makes my head freakin' hurt so yeah I'm not so happy about that. i'm going to enjoy staying in my dark cave that i call a room tomorrow. I just want to rest. i dont feel like dealing with life all together. I just wanna shut out the world hahaha.

So who knows if this weekend is going to pan out the way we all planned. Ehh...I don't mind staying home, and just waiting until i finish my freakin' prescription. Drew was telling me that I turned into vampire hahaha which makes sense. The sight of light makes me wanna go back inside. It makes my head hurt a lot. Last night my head was throbbing, but i had to keep the light on cause i needed to read for my politics class. Fuckin' politics class. The only reason i'm passing is because my prior work with AP governent & youth and government. Cause to tell everyone the truth I've only cracked open that book no more than three times.

I was in History class and it so happened that we had to be put in pairs to answer two questions. And we're in the civil rights movement at the moment...ugh. i was paired up with a white girl that was probably never in her life that close to a hispanic person that wasnt cleaning after her. So the way we were answering the questions...I was in dissagreement and then i was like whatever just write whatver the fuck you want. So then she finished writing whatever and she was revising. I answered one of the questions...and she kept on scratching out what i had answered.

So she takes out a piece of paper. i thought oh she's going to rewrite it, but what she does is write her name and mine. She starts rewriting, and then she erases my name. She covers the paper with her arm like if i don't notice. so I'm like ok whatever. So i move over a seat, in disgust. lol. i'm serious i was just disgusted by her. if you wanna pull that shit, then just let me know. So I decide to write my own shit then. (the quiz we had taken prior wasn't going to count unless we had answered these questions).

Ugh...she's just pissed off cause nobody stays in class once the quiz is over. What she should do is just have the quiz at the end of the class. Or somehow derive some kind of system that works. She should make the SI do something...ugh I can't stand her! With her I-Know-Everything attitude. She never wears the right size so you can see her stomach...which is NOT pleasing to the eye. its not that she's fat or whatever...she's what people call "thick" but she wears things that are not her size which makes her look bigger than she is because she has a muffin top.

Blah! I'm just really pissed off and grumpy and i wish my next class is like RIGHT NOW so i can get that stupid test over with! Its not as if i studied so i might as well just take it now and pray for the best.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY WHEN YOU HURT ME SO

This weekend was Shani's bday celebration #1. It was alright I guess...I've had way funner weekends here in SA. I was either really impatient, annoyed, grossed out, or frustrated. We went to Antro's since we've become regulars. But Ryan and Ricka didnt enjoy the trance music and left.

Sunday afternoon after I took the medicine the doc prescribed me, I felt nauseous. But I felt better after an hour. We headed over to Mamma Margie's and desperatly tried to finish my nachos, but couldn't. Then off to the Airport we dropped off R & R.

On the way there, Esteban called me. He finally got a cell phone hehehe. After that phone call that was less than 5 minutes I had the biggest smile ever...and nobody could wipe it off of my face. I miss him so much. But we're only friends and that...hurts me SOOO much. It pains me that I cant just up and tell him, not that with our short conversations there much time for anything, much less a heart to heart.

i checked today for my History test grade, and guess what? it was a 91!!!!! YAY!!!! I deserve a something hahahaha. That's my first A EVER! LOL and its so funny to me...I didnt even study, and I was like the 5th one out cause i was super sleepy. So that brings me up to a B- in the class.

Somebody has been calling me from an Unknown number just now. Why do people block numbers? I mean with me at least. Its not like if I'm going to call back anyway. I was in Shani's room the first two times, it was 12 something I didnt expect a call. Then the third time...I was walking in and I answered...I was like, "Hello? Hello?" and I heard a guy's voice say something, but i couldnt really make out what it was or who it was. So I hung up. Then 10 minutes later he calls again and I start getting mad so I was like, "Why are you calling me, and you don't say anything!?!" and i hang up again. It done pissed me off.

Who was it? I doubt it was Esteban or Oscar or even Dave. What if it was Aaron? man...that bastard better answer the next time he calls. I havent given out my number in a long, long time. John was the last person i gave my number to actually...wow. I'm not much of a lady-casanova anymore.

My Doc Visit

I went to the OB/GYN today. She told me that my ovaries dont work...THEY DONT FUCKIN WORK!

My Mom called and I started bawling, sobbing. She told me that we could go to other doctors to see if we could get another opinion, but this was my second opinion already. She said that with the power of God, I could have children...How dare she mention God?!? HOW DARE SHE?!? God forgot me already. god wouldnt put me in this predicament. She was like maybe I could even offer my body for your babies...then it wouldnt really be mine, they would be hers with my genes. The whole beauty of being a woman is being able to have children growing inside of you, feeling everything from kicks to their hiccups.

I feel like my womanhood has been taken from under me by surprise...

I despise women that abort
I despise women that leave their newborns in dumpsters to die
I despise women that dont care about their children
I despise women that women who regret conceiving their children

At least they can have children...