You called

Aaron,
I'm so sorry that I missed your call...I feel like shit. i got it two weeks after you called...I'm so pissed off at myself and cried for days about it...I miss you, you asshole! I want you here with me...life just seems even harder without you around.

ARGH! Posting!

I have tried to post an entry twice already and this thing doesn't let me. What a Bitch. My internet connection isn't working correctly with this cable and it pisses the fuck outta me.

I've been talking to John these past couple of days...

Last night I was talking to him and he was so...caring...so sweet. I was telling him about my anemia and my irregular E-drop...uhhh he asked. lol. I was telling him that according to my doc I am weaker without my little green pills...blah blah he made me promise that i would get them next time I went to Houston...and that he was going to call me three times a day for me to remember to take them...I thought it was really sweet...

I wrote in my other blog...that I hated being just friends with him...he read it and he sent me a message saying how do you expect us to have a relationship when youre over there... I got BURNED mad. and I told him, I'm just expressing my thoughts...I'm not forcing you to do a damn thing. I was SOOOO pissed off that he would say that...of course he said other things but thats all I needed to say...blah I'm mad...I'm pissed off

I want my stupid room mates' friends gone...It really pisses me off that they bring a shit load of people over as if this was a half way house...no no this is my dorm too. They make so much fuckin noise pisses me the fuck off...I have a damn quiz tomorrow...I'm not trying to be a slacker this time around.

Wishing it was him

For some reason when I took a shower I was having this feeling that I was going to get a call...and exactly as i thought, when I came back into my room I had missed a call...I didnt recognize the number...i was kind of excited, thinking it was Aaron, but I was crushed when JR answered. He was all bitching at me because I hadn't answered his phone calls in the summer. Haha I don't want to pursue anything with him beyond friendship, but he wants to. I'm not attracted to him, personality-wise. He's a nice guy, but he's NOT what I want and I don't want to waste his time and my time...but i can't tell him straight out. I'm kinda like...aww poor guy, but I know what is right is that I should just tell him the truth. But Lately when I've told guys the truth, I've been slapped in the face (not literally). I've been told that I was a bitch by a guy twice in the matter of 2 weeks...just for being truthful...for speaking my mind. Fuck sugar coating it...

First Day

Tomorrow will be my first day of classes I'm kinda scared...its a 20 minute walk hahaha can you believe that? My first class is like the farthest building...the main one. Me and Shani walked around to see where our classes were. We saw the inside and stuff...its weird my Freshman comp classroom is VERY small, maybe for like 50 people. The other ones are HUGE though...crazy stuff...Its Bananas...hahaha Tommy Lee cracks me up. TR days are easier...my classes are right down the hall from eachother. That's great for my lazy ass...hahaha.

Over There

Why can't I just forget Aaron? Maybe because I feel like thats the only guy that will pay attention to me...I know he still loves me and misses me wherever he's at...but I need him here not over there. I have nothing else to say...

A lot to do

I woke up today cause of a call from the officer handling my case...my dad still stands firm on that he doesnt want to press charges...he believes in God punishing...I dont believe that bullshit. Our stupid justice system is so stupid...I live in a state that gives death penalties left and right but wont punish two 16 year olds for stealing a girls car. All I have left is my little yellow bunny with praying hands...that always made me miss Esteban.

Sometimes I wish i hadnt broken all my connections...Chad gosh that man loved me so much and he would walk on water for me if he had to...he would have taken the law into his own hands...I'm just feeling violent right now...

I received my parking permit...ehhh I felt weird...now i have to go to the trouble in returning it.

I went to the movies with Ana and Vanessa and Peter, they didnt get there on time so I went to Soundwaves accross the street and I gotthe new Staind CD hehehehe...it was a sign that i should get it hahaha. i don't know. I just felt like it. 15 bucks, maybe I should have bought it elsewhere. I'm still waiting for the Nip/Tuck DVD it should be out in like 10-12 days. I have to watch it before the 3rd season starts in September. But anyway we watched Four Brothers...I liked it it. Lots of guns lots of violence...so great...i cried *tear* it was sad in some parts. it was fun; Magic Johnson STINKS. its cheaper though so yeah...

Earlier in the day i went to have lunch/dinner/breakfast with mario and mayra...hahahaha at Jack in The Box. i kinda felt like doing a sit down place, but we were pressed for time. The burger was DRY...but we still ate it, but just time lol.

Tomorrow I have to go to Best Buy to see if I can fix my PC and to buy a new printer, I'm going to go get a haircut, call best buy to send my back ordered cam to UTSA, i'm calling UTSA fiscal servies to see how I can take off my holds, Calling UTSA FinAid to see how that is going, calling Reagan...ughhh I asked them to send a final trascript...and did they? NOOO!!! stupid asses!

Slow Reaction

Last night I wrote:

Sometimes I feel as if I am at the end of a dark tunnel running towards the light but never getting there…maybe I'm not really running, I'm power walking haha. Right now I don’t know how to react towards anything…I talked to John and he apoligized once again…he tried to act as if he's a GREAT friend. If you ask me I think he's faking it. I don’t give a fuck though it doesn’t faze me one bit anymore. He asked me are you still going to talk to me when you leave? And I'm like we'll see…and then he was all like, "knowing you…It was nice knowing you my number is…and my sn is…blah" and I'm like youre stupid…in my head though and I tell him, "my laptop screen is fucked up" and thgen he acts happy again and says, "I guess I will have to be calling you up while youre gone. If you don't mind that is" and I was like, "I would mind if you call me just because I got mad at you the other day. I'm not about to be your fuckin' pity case alright?" then he was like I'll talk to you later I'm gonna go play basketball.

Ugh whot-eva! I have a shit load of things to do and to buy before I go but I havent done it and I cant do it after cause I don’t have a car so…yeah. I'm supposed to go out with Vanessa and Ana tomorrow, going to the movies and junk. Maybe I will take my bro since he wants to see 4 Brothers too. I will have to see whats up. I want to buy some shoes before I go, but is it really imperative that I buy clothes at this moment? I mean it is college…who gives a damn what I look like…I'm going to show up in my pajamas fuck it…Its not as if I'd get prettier by the clothes that I'm wearing…same old eww me.

I'm still hoping that Aaron will call, and that Esteban will call…ugh I'm just a hopeless romantic. I need to snap out of it really…Can’t I ONCE for one entry can I write about me being happy? I guess I never really record the times when I'm happy, but the times that I'm sad.

Ana n Yoly called me and the phone was on silent so I didn’t answer. Hahaha Yoly was all like, "I'm Eduardo, youre a hot mama, I just want to eat you up" hahahaha it made me laugh theyre so retarded lol. They were inviting me to hang out before I leave…sucks that I cant go with them…probably the next time I will see them is on Thanksgiving, or Christmas break. We will have to see how it goes.

So much crap

so many things happened to me in a span of 24 hours...I was chillin in SPIsland and I get a call from HPD...my car had been stolen. On the way back to Houston we get a speeding ticket...I arrive at the place where my little honda is at and its tottalled...cant even turn on. it was grafhittied (SP?) in marker inside, the whole car is scratched up, broken mirrors, all 4 sides and top of car was dented in, right door wont close...and the list goes on...Officer arrives and he tells me I have to go to court to get them to go to jail...they were 16 so they get a slap on the hand for their first offense...bullshit. and if I want to sue for damages I will have to go to civil claims court. Dad doesnt want to so nothing is going to be done...

while I was waiting for the wreker to get to the place to pick up my car and take it to the shop mom called but I didnt have signal...she left a message. As I was listening to the messages there was 2 new messages. One from my mom and the other from Aaron...why I never received that call or picked up? I dont know...it was on the 4th of August. He said he missed me...what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?!? I cried in the rain for about an hour. This whole freakin day when I was in SPI all I could think about was him. Maybe it was something telling me something...I cant believe that I missed his call...I'm getting teary now...

Manny called me on the way to houston...He doesnt remember that night when he was acting a fool...I cut the conversation short...didnt really feel like talking to him for a long time.

Esteban called me too...somehow since it was my car that was stolen all I could think about was him at that time...he loves cars...but we only spoke for like 10 minutes while I told him the story of my car... then his line clicked...he put me on hold for a LONG time...dumbass. and then just to click over to tell me he would call me back. It was probably his new love interest that he was telling me about...that skank.

Then Dave called me from San Antonio...he's awesome. I might hang out with him first semester of school. he is going to be working at the mall accross from UTSA...we'll lunch date like he said hahahaha. He's dorky.

After that I got into it with John. He got mad and started saying all types of bullshit. He didnt say it straight out but I knew what he meant by the things he said. He's pissed...cause of things I cant mention, but the point of the story is that he thinks that all I'm not worthy of a relationship with somebody and that all I'm good for is a night...if you know what I mean. I was so hurt...I cried and I was embarrased because I was crying, but I cant help it that I'm so fuckin sensitive. I sobbed...and had that silent part in the middle you know what I'm talking about? I erased his number from my phone and his texts and everything...Now to erase him outta my memory.

I'm not saying that I wont speak to him again...I may be a bitch but I'm not that much of a bitch to not forgive somebody about something while they acted when they were mad....or am I? I will have to wait and see about that because I'm not sure.

Then I talked to my friend Sam...he's such an ass...hahaha but because of him being an ass I stopped crying...he said you met trash throw it away...and blah blah I dont remember...

Now I feel numb and sick...I wanna leave but my plans are now delayed to saturday...

Should be asleep

I should be asleep its pretty late, but it seems as if I have become and insomniac, which is fine I suppose. I do go out at night most of the time. I dont need to be awake during the day anymore. My lil bro is starting at his new elementary school tomorrow. He's going to be a Magnet kid uh! oh! just like his big Sis! I got in a big argument with my mom yesterday. She wanted me to go to my bro's school to get his school supplies when she had just gone the day before. I was still awake at 8 am but fell asleep. I odnt usually wake up until 1 pm on a regular basis. So, I didnt really see the big deal with me going to sleep. I woke up at one, I have an alarm hahahah and the comes in busting through the front door and she was like blah blah blah I DON'T NEED YOU! sO I went back inmy room and slept again. I mean...obviously she doesnt need me. i was going to get the school supplies they didnt close until 3. I dont know what the big deal was. She doesnt need me huh? Well we'll see how it goes when I'm gone. Ha I bet they wont even remember my name...

I dont know what to do about the John situation. In a way I feel I should apoligize and tell him that I will see him on Friday. I dont want to see him...like I said he will only want to have sex... and it shouldnt be a big deal but it is to me. I know He's not the best...maybe cause I was so used to Aaron...Shit...Aaron was a big time freak. In a way I'm like damn I should fuck him on Friday he's a HOOOOOTTTTTIIIEEE, but then again I'm like fuck that I dont need sex...haha. I'll think about it tomorrow.

Army Research

I did my research yesterday. Basic training for the army is 9 weeks. That means that Aaron wont be back home until late September. That makes me feel so...bad. I have waited a month and now i have to wait another. I didnt think i would miss Aaron so much but I do and now I dont know what the hell to do. Every number that calls me and I dont recognize I think its him, but realistically (SP?) its not him and I'm just making up stories in my head. I've made so many mistakes in my life but...when youre making them, you dont realize it and thats what screws you over. I want to be able to welcome him back home with open arms, but I wont even be in Houston when he comes back.

Somehow i feel as if I made the right decision in not getting married with Aaron...thats what my head tells me and my heart tells me that I'm a stupid retard for letting him leave the way he did and then my head's saying Aaron always comes back to you doesn't he? and I'm confused. I was never really sure if I actually loved Aaron or if I was just addicted to him, until now. I realize that he was a BIG part of my life. He made my world go round but I just treated him like dirt but it was only to fight back. Ehhh we were both at fault. Our relationship was the weirdest and I didnt expect it to change. I dont want a guy that I can push around...I can NEVER tell Aaron what to do which pissed me off and made me happy at the same time. I made him change so much though. I forced him to go to school and to do something with his life. I didnt actually think he was going to do something about it but he went back to school and thats awesome. Maybe its my fault that he's in the Army now. But hey it was his dream...so I should be proud of myself and proud of him, right?

I cant help but miss him...Its driving me crazy. John...and people of the summer were and will only be people of the summer. People to keep me from going insane from the lonely days stuck in between four walls. There has only been 4 important guys in my life and John isnt one of them.
JC was the first guy that ever paid attention to me
Chad was the first guy that loved me
Esteban the first guy that I loved
Aaron the only guy I've loved and hated at the same time

Bastard

I havent posted in the past few days...nothing has really happened, but I'll start with Today

I was talking to John and he wanted to see me on Friday...I said no because he would only want to fuck...and I dont feel like it really...uhhh I wont touch that subject too closely. So he got PISSED he said oh go have fun with your new guy blah blah. and I was like huh? and he was like you rarely want to see me, you only see me when you say so...(recently Its been that way and I've rejected every attempt that he's done in order to see me) and it not as if I wanted to cancel...its just that sometimes theres family things or other things...blah. And he said I dont want to talk to you ever again...basically in a nut shell. God...it hurt me so bad. I saw him last night...and two nights before that. gosh...I was pissed cause he was pissed and then I made it worse...AHHHH!!! he sucks ass!!!

On another note...I saw Raul and Jairo...awww it felt SOOOO good to see them again...They made me feel better about the whole separation of me from the clique. they said, "People come and go. You make new friends. We cant really changed what happened. We stood by them for a couple of months after you left, but then we realized that you were right and that when they started hanging around other people they changed. We cant really blame ourselves for that." Ohhh I missed them so much...!!! Raul is going to UT Austin (kinda made me feel stupid) and Jairo's going to TSU.

Family Vacation

So last night my mom told me that she wants us to go to South Padre Island. The thing is that she wants only me, my bro, her and my dad to go. And well i'm sorry but I cant spend two three days with my dad. he annoys the fuck outta me. And if I wear the "wrong" thing he gets pissed. I just can't do that ughhh. I asked her if i could invite somebody along and my dad is firm on his ground to just make it a family activity. HA like if we've ever been a family.

Today i received my room assignments, but its weird that we are missing one person. I heard the waiting list is up to the hundreds to live there. Its weird...I'm a hispanic, Shani is Black and the other chic Jessica is white. She is super skinny. Poor girl needs to be fed hahahah. She's from Clear lake...ugh. I dont even want to think about it, but I will try my best to get to know her first and then judge. Well...i feel like I need to get to know her. She seems nice so far.

Last night I was talking to Manny. Obviously he was high, probably on bars. He was acting so retarded. he was telling me all this nonesense. he was like youre so pretty, youre beautiful, youre fine, youre gorgeous. And he wouldn't stop. And then he was like, "the other day that i saw you, i wanted to kiss your lips. I wanted to...uhhh...taste your body with my lips. I...uhh...I know that you are on a different level...and blah" I felt so embarrased...for him and for me. And i was txting john at the same time. So then I got fed up with his stupid behavior, so I hung up on him. He didnt wanna go to sleep so I just hung up. then he called back and i rejected his call. He left me a message, "hey...uhh...I miss you. alright. bye" what a dumbass. That whole situation made me feel uncomfortable.

A lot to blog

Friday
Shani arrived really late like 45 minutes late. I was kinda pissed off but I sucked it up. It was just so hot and I dont have the patience to be waiting. Then Vanessa called and wanted us to pick her up from band practice. She lived by Maritza so it was cool I guess. So we picked her up and left to BCW to meet up with Ana. There she let us know that she didnt have housing at UTSA so she wasnt going. Which kinda made me feel bad...crippled my leaving. I wanted her to go...So then Peter was being a pain in the ass so we left to go home. We arrived and Mom was chillin. We rested for a lil' while and then called up Victor to go shopping with us. We took off at around 730 went to Walmart, then Anna's, then target. I didnt see the fine cute guy there. Figures it was the afternoon shift. We bought our stuff there, then we didnt want to go home still so we went to Old Navy and then to Target...we were tired. so we went to blockbuster rented: boys dont cry, the diary of mad black woman, virgin suicides & cursed. we watched them the whole night...

Saturday
we talked about 3 hours about stuff you know? and then my uncle got there and he was pissed off. Victor had taken the car keys and my uncle needed to go to work. I took him back home and then I returned and we wantched the ending of Virgin Suicides & Cursed. Ughhh those movies were SOOO boring, pointless and stupid. then we drank coffee to try to stay awake. it was hard. I took a shower and dropped off Victor. and me and Shani waited for my mom to get there. She got there quick and then we were off to Claire's. We waited FOREVER, but there was only one person there so I had to understand you know? So she got her cartilage (SP?) pierced. we broswed around...but then got tired rather quickly. So we had only spend ONE hour there. hahaha we got home and crashed until 530. Then I didnt wanna get up...hahaha but got up and drove to Hard Rock. We got there and Mario hadnt gotten ready yet. So we waited...and while we waited Esteban called me. i was like huh? wow. hahaha I told him about Aaron, and he opened up about his flavor of the season as I put it. It kinda hurt me. And it kinda made me wanna give him a visit and smack the hell outta him. I cant slap sense into that poor man...boy whatever!! hahahah. Then we sat down with Antonio and AB and some girl...as soon as Mario got there they left to Celebration Station. I guess Antonio thought that Rebecca was coming along. Ughh yeah history...we should leave that behind
Chicken called and we ended going to the club with him which was fun i suppose...it wasnt as fun as it was the last time. we met a couple of people. they were all friendly hahahah. anyway then we went to Ihop and I found out that Kiki is going out with HOOOOTTTT guy David. Damn her and her nice and pretty self!!! hahahah Its alright I didnt really expect to see them again. But whatever. Chicken was drunk off his ass and he didnt even know who he was talking to. I was just there on the sidelines...since me and Kiki stopped being friends a LONG time ago. I looked and felt blowed... hahaha we sat far away from them though, in the smoking section. When we were coming out of iHop these guys were hollarin' at Shani it was fuckin funny. hahahaha she got skurred. and they got out at the same time too which was weird. I just got in the car as fast as I could. I didnt want part of anything. Then when we were driving home manny called. it was like 430 that dumbass. He was trying to take advantage of the situation cause I wasnt right. Dumbass!!!