smell

is it weird that the movie theatre smelled just like Steven? idk why i remember his scent but that was it for sure.

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Nevermind

I filmed a just now, but as I was editing I noticed how pathetic I looked. So, I just deleted it. I rather be pathetic while writing than while you see my face.

I don't usually use my VAIO unless I need to download something or update my ipod. I was going to go through Juan and I's old conversation logs a couple of weeks ago, but I didn't. So, today I was going to update my iPod. I opened iTunes and I noticed that my bro had downloaded stuff without my permission. I got worried because if he downloads the wrong thing my computer will crash, and EVERYTHING will be GONE!

I decided to copy the log onto my flash drive and then onto Google docs for safe keeping. I read the whole thing, and I cried a couple of times. I would read something that would make me laugh and then cry about it because I don't have him anymore. Or I would cry when he would say the most beautiful things to me. it was AWFUL. I tortured myself the whole day. I couldn't even finish reading it. I'm such a baby. I want to keep crying, and cry it ALL out of me.

however, Crying doesn't help. I'm tired of being a fucking retard. I'm fucking exhausted. I need to get on another fucking train...not a man train but a different outlet train lol.

Long Lost Footage : Haterade

Long Lost Footage : Shopping Day 10/06/09

One more day

I wish I could remember how it was...just for one more day


Oh Eisley is one of those bands that make you all types of depressed. lol.

Stress

I've been really stressed with life lately. I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job at work. I am doing a mediocre job with school. My professor is such a bitch, and I WISH I had read all of the rate my prof reviews because they are all very true. She likes to be a bitch and be-little people. Just because she is a "doctor" doesn't mean she can trample over everyone and be rude. So even if I get As in all of the tests I will still make a crappy grade.

I want to graduate so badly. I mean it makes me wanna cry that I suck so much.

Now that Esteban broke up with his gf, I have somebody to talk to on a regular basis, but its just not the same. I don't have any feelings for him so the comfort that he provides isnt as good as the comfort that a boyfriend would provide. I know that I do not have the necessary time to have a boyfriend, or the patience for one, its still always nice to have somebody there that's into you, and will do things for you.

Meh...at this point I don't think I'm able to catch a guy's interest even if I wanted to

Yeah, THAT superficial

Don't ask my why I went to Steven's page today. I just like to be noseyyyyy. Anyway, I don't really look at his pictures. I mean I already know what he looks like...

Anyway, when we were together I gave him a silver cross. It was pretty bad ass if I say so myself. I was going to have it engraved with the word "mucho" because we used to use that word quite often when we would tell each other we loved each other. I didn't because when I was there I was informed that it would take up to 3 weeks to get it back. I think I wanted to give it to him for one of our anniversaries....anyway, I think that he stopped wearing it after we broke up. I mean I put everything he gave me in a box...and I have no idea where it is now lol. I wanted it out of sight. So, I guess I could understand why he didn't.

I think he started to wear a stupid onk on a string after that...which at the time pissed me the HELL off. I was like, "I spent money on that so that he could wear it! Maybe he should just give it back!" I don't think I asked for it, but I wanted to.

Back to the point.

I went to his more recent pictures, and he has it on. The most shallow, retarded thought came to mind, "Does he think of me when he wears it?" Isn't that the MOST shallow thought ever. But then I thought, "the only thing I have out from him is the black vase that I love, but I don't think of him when I see it unless I really, REALLY think about it" buuuuut then again I don't have it out anymore since I moved. Its in storage boxes like the rest of my crap.

One day

I wish the day would come when my phone rings, I answer, I say, "hey baaaayyyby" and Juan responds, "how are you pocket"

Yeah. That's not gonna happen lol. A girl can dream right?

I've been obssessing over him more than usual. Its ridic. Esteban says its because of guilt. Guilt that I can't seem to get rid of because for once in my life I had foiund somebody who cared about me like no other

Snap out of it

As everyone and their momma know, I am stuck on Juan. I go through the dumbest thoughts in my head everyday. I try to stalk him somehow...when I really can't...and probably never will. I never had the guts to pass by his house after it all happened. I would purposely try to avoid that exit at all costs.

I was speaking to Esteban about it, and he said, "I feel like you thought he was so perfect, and for once you were the one that fucked it all up. And that is why you are always beating yourself about it. Thats why you cant get over it. He probably wasnt as perfect as you made him seem"

He also made a valid point, "Whenever Matthew lied to you about something that small you didnt wanna speak to him again. Why was that? because you didn't love him. Maybe Juan didn't love you either" I never really think about that before and now that he brought it up its like a dagger to the heart. It didnt even cross my mind. Now thats all thats on my mind.