I'm not...

I'm not going to think about him
I'm not going to think about him
I'm not going to think about him anymore
I'm not going to think about the way he looked
I'm not going to think about how I've almost forgotten the sound of his voice
I'm not going to think about how he used to cut his own hair in the bathroom
I'm not going to think about how he wanted an English Bulldog
I'm not going to think about how he was in love with his car
I'm not going to think about how I "shared" him with his "boyfriend" John
I'm not going to think about when he included the word "faggetry" into his everyday terminology
I'm not going to think about how most of his clothes were from Vans or skater stores I had never even heard about
I'm not going to think about how he got drunk and told me about 2 girls 1 cup and how I was then scarred for life
I'm not going to think about how he tried to make me jealous with random sonic car hops
I'm not going to think about when he wanted to buy these red rims from a 350z
I'm not going to think about how his mom used to cook him burritos and he burned himself because it was too hot
I'm not going to think about how "Reppin' my Block" came on when his alarm went off
I'm not going to think about how much I obsessed over his perfectly crafted cupids bow
I'm not going to think about how he made fun of me for laughing with my mouth closed
I'm not going to think about how I thought he was the strongest person on earth
I'm not going to think about how he would always call me at 9 pm
I'm not going to think about the size of his nipples lol
I'm not going to think about his obsession with sharing a snowcone
I'm not going to think about our plans for December 07
I'm not going to think about how he nervously laughed when he too said, "I love you"
I'm not going to think about how we said we were going to watch Beowulf, but we never got around to it
I'm not going to think about how I always thought we were the only two people on earth
I'm not going to think about how we had talked about the price range for engagement rings
I'm not going to think about how he went to Miami instead of Houston for my birthday
I'm not going to think about how hes doing now
I'm not going to think about how he used to respond to every text/call I ever gave him
but now he doesnt anymore so he must have gotten sick of me.

Sane or insane

Sometimes I think its healthy to talk to yourself - have inner conversations with yourself. And also I think its ok to have conversations when you're pretending to talk to somebody. Or maybe I'm just crazy but the Sims did it so I must be ok.

I do this a lot when I haven't had much closure with a certain situation or a certain somebody. I feel like when I poretend that I'm talking to them I let stuff out, explain myself or say something I should've said. I feel better afterwards, but then I do it again the next week. I usually di it wheb I'm in the car by myself. Peopl usually think I'm on the phone or something.

All I'm aying is that that's normal right? At least I'm not making up a fantasy reality in my mind and try to live it out every day of my life.

Now the emotions come?

Today, my dad arrived from el salvador. While we waited for his delayed flight I tried to down some yummy starbucks soy green tea latte and an expresso bar which I looovveee, but I couldn't. My stomach couldn't take it. I wanted to barf and shit myself at the same time. Gross? Yeah I know. Imagine living it!

There was a family sitting right across from us that looked like straight up monkeys. I know that it sounds mean but my bro confirmed that I was right. Then I looked towards their direction and one of the guys gave me the creeper smile. I was disturbed. I admit that I was looking mighty cute today, but ugh it was nasty.

We were waiting at the airport for about 2 hrs and my dad finally came. He hugged us and we were on our way. In the car he shared many stories and he told us how he felt. And I actually felt really sad. I didn't feel sad because she had died but because my dad was upset. He said, "I wanted to be there with her so bad before she died. I rushed over just to see her there lifeless on a bed. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt." I felt like crying...the car was very quiet. My dad and I are very much alike...so for him to say things like that...idk its hard.

So, when I got home I felt bad that I didn't have one picture of her with any of us. She wasn't very important in my life or even in Peter's, but she was in other peoples. And I get that. 

Get over it!

Fuck you dude

Roadtrip in 6

Last week

Last week, my grandmother died from colon cancer. She died in El Salvador. Idk how I should feel. Honestly, I feel nothing. I don't feel sadness or hapiness. Just empty.

My dad called me last Thursday to get him a ticket to El Salvador. He sounded distraught and like he had been crying. I felt bad for him. Its not cool to lose your one and only mother.

I came to Virginia for our roadtrip and I stopped by my aunt's house. My mom said that she had been majorly depressed. Especially since she cannot even visit her grave site. I know that if she could have traveled she would have. I didn't know what to tell her I just hugged her. I didn't wanna say anything at all. One word might have started a whole lot that I am not equipt to handle.

I called my mom and she said that my cousins have been crying their eyes out. I get it. They spent half their lives with her in the dirt and poverty before they moved to the US. They have bonds where I do not.

Our relationship was strained and nonexistant. So should my reaction or lack there of be ok? I'm glad that I'm not even home to be around everyone. They might regard me as cold or unemotional.

Idk that's all I have to say